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Camille is a lover of all things skin, curls, music, justice, and wanderlust; oceans and islands are her thing. Her words inspire and her power is her voice. A California native with Trinidadian roots, she has penned personal essays, interviews, and lifestyle pieces for POPSUGAR, FEMI magazine, and SelfishBabe. Camille is currently creating a life she loves through words, self-love, fitness, travel, and empowerment. You can follow her on Instagram @cam_just_living or @written_by_cam.
For as long as I can remember, I was never the little girl who dreamed of a wedding dress, a house with a white picket fence, or having babies.
And that’s not to say I don’t want those things, I do. As a daughter of immigrants, I was always motivated for excellence and highly career-driven. My father constantly instilled the importance of education and a high-earning career before starting a family. Simply because he had to repeat college in the United States as his international college degree was not recognized. And my father didn’t migrate to the U.S. for me not to succeed.
Nonetheless, I had always said after I graduated college and when my life was in order that I would adopt a child by the age of 30 if I wasn’t in a committed relationship and/or married.
Well, that was 17 years ago, and I will be forty-fine in December of this year. I am still single and currently in a season of navigating my emotions so I can have a healthy, loving, relationship with an ideal partner. I’m at the age where I am consciously considering what family looks like for me. This could look like me and a partner. Me, a partner, and a pet. A partner, me, and their kids. If you’re one of my lifelong friends and you’re reading this, you know damn well that I was never open to dating someone with children. But I am not getting any younger, and as my grandmother used to say, “Pick an' pick, until yuh pick shit.”
Given that I didn’t grow up in a healthy home environment or witness a healthy relationship and/or marriage between my parents, the idea of having my own children scares me.
And it’s more than likely that I can give birth to twins. I would like to consider myself the generational curse breaker in my family. Like, why would I subject an innocent child to these unhealthy family dynamics? Given today’s dating climate and the number of unhealed men is even more alarming, who am I having a baby with? One thing I do know – if there is a “he,” “he” is not passing down his unhealed trauma and baggage to my child. I won’t allow it.
With that said, I have recently come to the conclusion that I do not biologically want children of my own. I am open to being a bonus mom or adoption. I absolutely do love children, though. Especially toddlers. I always want to hold someone’s baby and love on someone’s child. I love being an aunt, godmother, older cousin, and role model to the kids in my family and my friend’s children. It would have to take a really special person, a man who is a whole (not just healed), to make me feel safe enough to even want to consider having a child with him.
Today’s dating and relationship scene is so exhausting. For a lot of women, it seems nearly impossible to meet someone to marry and start a family with. And there are so many women who truly desire to be a mother and want children to be a part of their lives. We live in a society that is moving away from tradition in many aspects. Relationships are being redefined, and so is how we choose to be parents.
Enter the concept of platonic co-parenting or conscious co-parenting.
It sounds like the pact you made with a good friend when you were kids. If neither one of y’all are married or have kids by a certain age, you would marry each other. But it’s a little more complex than that – platonic co-parenting is an alternative to being a single mother by choice, adoption, or choosing some random man’s sperm at a sperm bank.
xoNecole looks at what platonic co-parenting is and how it works and asks five single women their thoughts on platonic co-parenting. Let’s get into it.
What Is Platonic Co-Parenting?
I first got a whiff of this child-rearing with a friend thing onInstagram when political analyst and activist,Van Jones announced the birth of his second child with a friend via conscious co-parenting. Jones states, “After the COVID lockdown, I got clear that I wanted another kid. I discovered that my friend Noemi also wanted a baby. So we decided to join forces and become conscious co-parents.” He adds, “It’s a concept that I hope more people will explore and consider.”
According tothebump.com, platonic co-parenting is not a new concept, it has been around for years. Whether it is referred to as “platonic co-parenting,” “elective co-parenting,” “conscious co-parenting,” or “intentional co-parenting,” it simply means making a decision to start a family with someone and a joint commitment to raise a child without a romantic history, sexual involvement, or marriage.
Platonic co-parenting has been utilized in the LGBTQ+ community and is also becoming more common among single heterosexuals as there has been a major shift in how people define family and family structures. According toparents.com and data from Pew, more than 16 million non-married Americans are raising children with a live-in partner. The 2018 data from Pew also suggests that fewer people are having sex. Therefore, platonic parenting with a friend seems like a natural evolution to family building.
Logistics of Platonic Co-Parenting
What platonic co-parenting offers is an alternative model for family building. And I want to emphasize there is no right or wrong way to go about it. No two people’s circumstances are the same. But the common denominator is the strong desire for family, children, and raising a human together. Platonic co-parenting can take various forms and manifest differently depending on the people involved.
Finding a Parenting Partner:
When we think of finding a partner to co-parent with, it could look like two friends of the opposite sex deciding to have a child together. This entails joint parental responsibilities, sharing birthdays, and holidays, and living together or living separately. It could look like two friends of the same sex who already have children respectively, but they choose to live together as a temporary solution to financial strain. It can also be IVF (in vitro fertilization), artificial insemination, surrogacy, or adoption as well.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to starting a family with someone, whether it’s done through a traditional or non-traditional route. You can read how two friends of seven years in England went about becoming platonic co-parentshere.
Issues:
As with any life-changing event and/or arrangement, issues will always arise. Honest, strategic, and transparent conversations are required. According toWeightmans, a law firm in England, issues to consider with platonic co-parenting are:
- Living arrangements and logistics of the child moving between two households;
- Finances and financial responsibility;
- Parenting styles, values, and discipline;
- Religious beliefs and how the child will be raised;
- Childcare options and educational choices, and how these will be funded; and
- Healthcare and medical decisions including what should happen in an emergency situation.
- Naming the child, including their surname;
- The day-to-day work of caring for the child, especially immediately after the child is born. Will both parents live together? If so, where and for how long? And how will responsibilities for night-times, cooking, cleaning, etc. be shared?;
- Feeding and how this may impact any arrangements, especially in the first few months of the child’s life;
- How special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc. will be spent;
- Posting about the child on social media;
- What will happen if one parent enters into a romantic relationship, and how this will potentially change the arrangement, including the process of introducing the child to any new partner;
- How any potential conflicts will be resolved in the future and whether a family counselor or mediator will be consulted.
Parenting Plans:
It is without a doubt that platonic parenting requires legal counsel. A lawyer can assist with creating an agreeable parenting plan. Parenting plans can address legal considerations such as:
- Who will be recorded on the birth certificate as the child’s legal parents?
- Who will have parental responsibility for the child? And if it is not acquired automatically by one parent, how will parental responsibility be given to that parent?
- Should the parents enter into a parenting agreement recording the agreements that they have reached?
- If parents choose to live together for part or all of their child’s life, what are the legal considerations and implications of doing so? Especially if, for example, the house is owned by one parent. Do the parents need to enter into a cohabitation agreement as well as a parenting agreement?
- If a conflict arises, how would a court decide the arrangements for the child such as who they will live with and how they will spend time with each parent?
- If a conflict arises about specific issues such as religion, medical procedures, or schooling, how would the court approach these issues? See our article on specific issue orders.
- If one parent wishes to move away either in the U.S. or abroad in the future, how will a court approach such a move?
- It is important to note that one parent cannot move a child out of the country without either the consent of all other people with parental responsibility for the child or the approval of the court. Find out more about traveling abroad with children.
- Both parents’ legal obligation to provide for the child financially.
Benefits:
Weightmans also states platonic co-parenting can provide increased emotional stability for not only the child but co-parents as well. Given that the child and co-parents have access to a larger community of support and positive role models. It is also likely the child can experience positive communication between their parents and witness a healthy relationship due to the amicable arrangement. Parents can also benefit from shared financial and childcare responsibilities allowing for flexibility financially and personally.
Disadvantages:
There will always be disadvantages and/or conflict. It’s inevitable, and we are human. But it is how we navigate these disadvantages that make a difference. When it comes to platonic co-parenting, legal and financial complications definitely exist. Further difficulties arise when one parent chooses to move away or pursue a romantic relationship. The most evident disadvantage is the social stigma or misunderstanding in choosing a non-traditional family structure.
What Single Women Think About Platonic Co-Parenting
Now that you have an understanding of what platonic co-parenting is and how it works, let’s look at what five single, professional, young women think about this new family-building concept. Meet Alicia, 35, attorney; Brooke, 32, attorney; Ladini, 37, behavioral analyst; Jamila, 35, attorney; and Mimi, 35, licensed psychotherapist.
As a single woman given today’s dating patterns, scene, culture, and assuming you want children, is platonic co-parenting something you would consider? Why or why not?
“I would consider platonic co-parenting if I decided I was ready to have children. As a millennial, our lives are much more unconventional than previous generations. Parenting doesn’t have to be done one way. As a 35-year-old, I have developed many long-lasting platonic relationships. Raising a child with a platonic co-parent seems like a better option than being a single parent.” – Jamila
"Absolutely. It is my opinion that there are no guarantees in sharing caregiving responsibilities with any other individual, regardless of the nature of the relationship. I know people who co-parent adaptively after finding out they're pregnant post a one-night stand, and married couples who single parent due to having no to minimal support from their spouse.” – Mimi
“At first mention, it was an immediate no. But, as I did some research and applied more thought, absolutely. To me, it sounds like the perfect alternative. As we all know, relationships have their ups and downs, and raising children is no easy feat, so I feel that being able to choose from an objective place of true intentionality would be meaningful in its own way.” – Ladini
“It would be something to consider because, in the current times, I believe there are many social pressures for women to have children, but many of the women I know want to figure out the balance of having our dream careers and still parenting. Factors such as age, marriage, and careers are being juggled, and I think having alternative methods of parenting can allow for women to balance our needs and desires better without feeling like we had to give up parts of us.” - Brooke
“A few years ago, I made a pact with my male best friend; I told him, if I reached the age of 35, and we’re both single and childless, we should have a kid together. While I said it semi-jokingly, it was always something that played in the back of my mind. Fast forward to today, I’m 35, single, childless and he is married (laughs). My views have changed from when we first made the pact. When I create a child, I want my child to be created out of a romantic bond and relationship; I don’t want to settle on creating a family with a friend simply because time is ticking or the dating scene is just trash.” - Alicia
"When I create a child, I want my child to be created out of a romantic bond and relationship; I don't want to settle on creating a family with a friend simply because time is ticking or the dating scene is trash."
Drazen Zigic/Getty Images
Why do you think more women and/or men might consider platonic co-parenting as a feasible alternative to starting a family?
“Raising children is expensive. The cost of living is sky high, and the reality for a lot of people is that affording a child alone is not feasible. Having a reliable village to help raise the child is attractive.” – Jamila
“I think as societal pressures mount, people are attaching new meaning to the concept of family. With the emphasis on aging, I do believe that people (women) are made to feel like they are running out of time and as a result may be more inclined to make ‘pacts’ with trusted friends of the opposite sex.” – Ladini
“In the times in which we are seeing continued financial pressures and struggles, if we have established healthy relationships and have the same goals as parents, it can provide a healthy environment to raise children. We have seen statistics that steer people away from marriage and have children born in toxic relationships, and this could provide a remedy of having the new healthy home.” – Brooke
“People are fed up with the inventory when it comes to dating. When you reach your 30s, your life is a bit more stable, you have a solid foundation and you’re ready to build upon that foundation. However, after 20 first dates and no viable candidates for marriage or parenthood, you give up. I think more and more people are choosing the platonic co-parenting route because they desire family, they desire creating a legacy and if you can’t find that romantic partner, might as well be with someone you know, trust, and respect.” – Alicia
“This option offers an objective approach to fulfilling a desire that so many of us may feel we do not have control over. One may be financially and emotionally ready to take on expanding your family, but the time it takes to build trust with a significant other is overwhelming, let alone go into dating with that level of pressure is not appealing to anyone involved.” - Mimi
Given that some people don’t always grow up in a healthy environment whether it be single-family homes or a home with a mother and father, how do you think children of platonic co-parents might be affected?
“Maybe the same way children are affected in divorced families. I’m not sure.” - Jamila
“The only way that I feel that the children of platonic co-parents can be affected would be the absence of witnessing romantic, loving moments between their parents. Other than that, I think this situation can make for a very healthy upbringing.” – Ladini
“I think platonic co-parents would have to be comfortable with transparency and emotional intelligence because of the possible pressures from society as they view something different than the 'norm.' By building your own family, you also are given a second chance in a sense to create a safe environment for you and start a family to create healthy experiences of your own.” – Brooke
“If this is not an area that was discussed amongst the friends prior to the birth of a child, one can bring traumas and baggage from their past into the new situation. Everyone is raised differently, and if the co-parents do not discuss beforehand how they would like to collectively raise their child, it will cause issues that the child will have to be a witness to.” – Alicia
“I do not believe these children would be at any particular advantages or disadvantages as any other child developing in comparable macro social factors. Children accept their reality and this is the reason they are so vulnerable and at the same time resilient. Developing with two available parents is an undisputable privilege.” - Mimi
American society seems to be moving away from some traditions and/or societal norms, do you think women who truly desire to be a mother would be open to the idea of platonic co-parenting versus adoption or single mom by choice?
“Many women already choose to be single mothers because they want children. If they see it done successfully in other relationships, I could see them open to the idea.” – Jamila
“I do believe that women would be open to the idea. As the old adage goes, it takes a village. Although platonic love differs greatly from romantic love, one foundational component shared by both is having a strong bond and sense of loyalty. With that being said, choosing to have a family with someone who you have history with and a shared sense of values doesn’t sound like a bad idea.” – Ladini
“Yes, because when you have platonic healthy relationships, they can help cultivate that type of environment for the child and create a family dynamic so the mother doesn't have to do it alone without the traditional pressures we may hear when raising a child.” – Brooke
“Different strokes for different folks! I think more and more people are doing what works for them! Motherhood, parenthood is a beautiful thing, but it has to be with the right person, this is a lifelong bond you are creating. I think many women who desire motherhood are seeking out options that fit their lifestyles. It is a hard decision to make, but it is not one that should be taken lightly.” – Alicia
“Why not? With this option, you can have your own biological child with someone you truly care for and have a strong life-long relationship with. As humans, we are bound to evolve, and this is one of the many ways to find/seek fulfillment 'outside the box' sort of speak. As long as the two parties are consenting, what about it is so different?” – Mimi
"As humans, we are bound to evolve and this is one of the many ways to find/seek fulfillment 'outside the box' sort of speak. As long as the two parties are consenting, what about it is so different?”
Alessandro Biascioli/Getty Images
How I Feel About Conscious Co-Parenting
My thoughts? I definitely think platonic co-parenting seems like it would be a safer alternative on so many levels IF I truly desired to be a mother biologically. The elements of trust, consistency, commitment, understanding, emotional safety, transparency, shared values, etc. already exist with a lifelong friend based on an established history. Romantic relationships have their own challenges and adding a child makes it more complicated sometimes. Whereas if two friends intentionally decide to have a child together – it's almost like saying they can have the child and possibly not complicate parenting with the romantic aspect.
Given today’s dating scene and culture, it is more challenging these days for women to get to a secure place where these same elements exist romantically with the opposite sex. It’s a constant hit-or-miss type thing. Quite frankly it’s exhausting.
I, like many other women, desire a romantic relationship, to be in love and all the things. And some of these same women desperately want a child with a romantic partner. But if it’s not feasible for whatever reason – I can understand why women would choose platonic co-parenting or other non-traditional methods to start a family. Because these days women aren’t waiting on men anymore or wasting time waiting in general to live a fulfilled life. We create our own magic. We’re going to find a way to go after what we want and what our hearts desire. This includes motherhood and children.
As someone who is a legal professional and a business owner, I advocate for having an attorney for anything and everything. Situations always arise in navigating co-parenting. A neutral third party can assist with coming to reasonable agreements if the mother or father cannot. Similar to a relationship with a business partner and an operating agreement. It exists to navigate the nuisances, decision-making, and the challenges of owning a business together. Think of the business as a new baby or growing child.
As for children being affected by having platonic co-parents – I am not sure. I would hope that people who choose to be platonic co-parents have healed from their trauma and baggage before deciding to have a child together. I would hope they would both be emotionally available. I would hope they create a stable home as well as set the example for a loving environment for their child.
Based on the interviewee’s responses, there seems to be a strong consensus that platonic co-parenting just might be the new wave of family building. And I’m here for it. As an ever-changing society, we don’t have to agree with or accept platonic co-parenting. What we can do is respect individual choices. Let me reiterate there is no right or wrong way to define family or start a family. To be honest, look at how many people today are already engaged in some form of platonic co-parenting.
These people may be divorced or never married. They may have had a romantic relationship or not. A situationship or a friend-with-benefits type thing. Either way, a child was still born and those same two people decided to raise a child together. And the same legal issues, financial challenges, and parenting considerations still exist.
So, what’s the difference? If we as a society already accept those circumstances to be a societal norm, why not accept platonic co-parenting as an emerging norm for starting a family?
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I'm Emotionally Unavailable & Here's How I'm Dating While Learning To Feel My Feelings Again
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Exploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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By now, you have all heard of Ozempic, Wegovy,Mounjaro, andZepbound. These are the newest drugs on the market prescribed for weight loss and obesity. Deemed as the "cheat code" for summer body goals, celebrities like Oprah Winfrey, Al Roker, Whoopi Goldberg, Amy Schumer, Tracey Morgan, Elon Musk, and Chelsea Handler have gone public about their use of the medication to aid in their weight loss journeys. And their results are giving. I mean, have you seen Oprah lately? The woman is 70 years old, and she is serving and giving it all.
Before these drugs were reclassified as weight loss medications by the FDA, these GLP-1 drugs hit the pharmaceutical market solely as a diabetes medication. The side effect of the drug is suppressed hunger and reduced “food noise.” These medications help overweight and/or obese patients successfully lose 25% of their body weight or more. Continuous debates on social media and news outlets are trending on the success of the drug in the fight against obesity, but also on the medical dangers and long-term side effects of using these drugs.
Nonetheless, the demand for these weight loss drugs continues to skyrocket, creating mass shortages from manufacturers Eli Lilly and Novo Nordisk.
The demand for these types of medication has created an unprecedented effect when it comes to access for patients with a medical diagnosis or not. Health insurance providers only cover the drug with a diabetes diagnosis or through an authorization process, thus creating an expensive out-of-pocket cost to patients. The cost of these medications is not cheap. Any variation of these GLP-1 drugs ranges from $1000-$1,500 per monthly supply.
Times that by three, six, or nine months – that is the equivalent of a luxurious international vacation or a down payment for a new car. Primary care physicians and medical specialists are writing prescriptions with no hesitation. And patients are willing to pay whether it is a medical necessity or not.
My truth: I am a 39-year-old woman who was previously 49 pounds overweight. I was prescribed a GLP-1 medication to heal my body, and I feel no type of way about it.
But before I share my story and justify my reasoning for using a weight loss medication, let’s first examine the facts to provide perspective and understand the underlying causes of weight gain because no two individuals's health and wellness journeys are identical.
2015 - the last time I was 135 pounds
Courtesy of the writer
The Weight Loss Drugs Facts Presented By Oprah
On March 18, 2024, ABC Network airedAn Oprah Special: Shame, Blame, and the Weight Loss Revolution.The purpose of the interview is to release the stigma, shame, and judgment for individuals who are overweight and how they choose to lose or not lose weight. The interview provides a 360-view of the biology of obesity, the use of weight loss medication, and the pharmaceutical industry. Invited to the conversation are users of the drug, medical specialists, representatives from the manufacturing companies of the medications, and the CEO of Weight Watchers.
The audience is comprised of current and past users of a GLP-1 or semaglutide medication. Oprah begins her interview special by openly discussing her struggle with her own weight. She states, “For 25 years making fun of my weight was a national sport.” In 1990, TV Guide referred to Oprah as “bumpy, lumpy, and downright dumpy.” Oprah also openly admits she starved herself for five months to lose 67 pounds on a liquid diet, which she gained back in less than days.
What The Experts Say About Obesity
Oprah states that the American Medical Association defined obesity as a chronic disease 10 years ago. Dr. W. Scott Butsch, Director of the Obesity Medicine in the Bariatric and Metabolic Institute at the Cleveland Clinic shares in the interview that obesity is a complex disease. Think about genetics, environments, food, sleep patterns, and microbiome changes. He states that it is the brain that controls body fat, food intake, and metabolism.
Obesity is defined as dysfunction of the regulatory system – when you lose weight, it intentionally slows your metabolism down, and your body is built to maintain your weight. Dr. Butsch continues to explain that some people are prone to hold on to their body fat. Therefore, it is wrong to shame people about obesity as they are subtypes of the disease in the obesity spectrum.
2018 - probably 160-175 lbs.
Courtesy of the writer
Types Of Weight Loss Drugs
Dr. Amanda Velasquez, Assistant Professor of Cedars-Sinai Surgery and Director of Obesity Medicine & Center of Metabolic Health states to date there are seven medications available to treat obesity, including glucagon-like-peptide 1 hormone (GLP-1s). This hormone is produced by the gastrointestinal organ and GLP-1s mimic what the hormone does and does it better. This means reducing food noise, feeling satiety faster, and slowing digestion. For people who are living with obesity, their GLP-1 hormone isn’t working properly. With that said, the medication reprograms the gastrointestinal organ.
Data does show that obesity patients would have to be on medications for the rest of their lives as the disease does not stay in remission. However, Oprah maintains her weight by hiking, walking, running, weight training, and a healthy diet. It is important to note that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved drugs like Ozempic 20 years ago for type II diabetes. Dr. Velasquez further states the side effects of choosing not to take the medications are higher than the mild side effects of nausea and vomiting – obesity is a disease, not a character flaw.
Weight Loss Issues
2021- 170-180 lbs
Courtesy of the writer
Now that we are clear on the biology of obesity, let’s get into my weight issues. I was born 0.9 pounds as a premature twin baby. I graduated high school at 115 pounds, graduated college at 125 pounds, and graduate school at 128 pounds. Given these numbers, you can see I was never a heavy-set person. Picture runway model skinny with tig ol’ bitties. Yes, that was me. It wasn’t until I transitioned into a high-stress career that my lifestyle habits began to change. I began to gain some weight. I went from 135 pounds in 2016 to 150-something pounds in 2017.
At the time some of my friends would say, “I look healthy” or “you look good” given I was in my early thirties. Now, combine a high-stress career with mental health issues, emotional trauma, and a worldwide pandemic together. Add 32 more pounds to the weight I previously gained – your girl is now THICC at 182 pounds. Even though I carried this new weight well, it was too much for my height of 5 '4 and small frame. Not only did I know this, but I felt it too. It was the way my clothes slowly stopped fitting me and the heavy breathing. It’s true – the body really does keep the score.
Returning To A Healthy Lifestyle & A Medical Diagnosis
March 2023- 150 lbs
Courtesy of the writer
In 2019, I left mycorporate career which eliminated my main source of stress. As the pandemic came to an end in 2021, fitness clubs fully reopened. I returned to the gym and my healthy lifestyle habits seamlessly. Please note I have always been a gym-goer or someone who enjoyed working out and eating healthy since 2011. I went back to my normal workout routine – running, climbing the stair mill, lifting weights on my own, and enlisted the help of a personal trainer twice a week.
It wasn’t until January 2022 that I noticed that the weight was not moving despite my clean eating and disciplined efforts.
In February 2022, I decided to seek medical assistance from my primary care physician, gynecologist, endocrinologist, and holistic/functional medicine doctor. It took a whole eight months before I received a proper medical diagnosis and clarity as to why my body was not responding to my normal weight loss efforts.
The answer was rooted in trauma and ahormonal imbalance, which gave me an autoimmune disease – Hashimoto Thyroiditis.
A Heavy Decision
June 2023- 133 lbs
Courtesy of the writer
It was September 2022 when I decided to pursue functional medicine to heal my body. I detoxed for 8 months with Chinese herbs, a paleo diet, and daily workouts. And it was the end of October 2022 when my endocrinologist said to me, “I am going to help you.” He said, “Have you heard of Eli Lilly?” I replied, “No.” My endocrinologist went on to explain that Eli Lilly manufactures the newest diabetes drug Mounjaro. A medication that beat clinical trials against Ozempic and Wegovy.
This new medication helps patients lower their A1C, and glucose, promotes insulin sensitivity, and helps patients lose 25% of their body weight. Keep in mind this was my first time hearing about medications for weight loss in general. I never had to be on medication for anything in my life outside the normal cold, sinus infection, flu, birth control, and hormonal acne.
The idea of prescribed medication to lose weight sounded absurd.
We are constantly told by the fitness industry to eat clean, eat our macros, stay in a caloric deficit, and work out. However, the body is complex – what they don’t tell women is that the problem is very much hormonal, and a holistic approach is required. At first, I was against using the medication because I did feel like it was cheating. I felt a sense of shame and anxiety too. “What are my family and friends going to say?” was my first thought.
I am the type of person who believes in discipline, consistency, hard work, and making the right decisions always gets you where you need to be. BUT, what my endocrinologist explained to me was that my body stopped responding due to my hormonal imbalance. He further explained that Mounjaro will stimulate my insulin (FYI insulin is a hormone) to function properly so that my body can naturally lose and/or maintain weight.
What I needed was what my endocrinologist referred to as a metabolic reset. This is achieved by losing 25% percent or more of my body weight. I had waited a good three months to secure an appointment with this man. And he wasn’t just any endocrinologist – he was the director of an endocrinology and diabetes institute. So, I decided to appease him and told him to “write the script.”
The Journey To Healing My Body
Currently 137 lbs
Courtesy of the writer
After I was prescribed Mounjaro and before I administered my first dose, I went down the rabbit hole of looking at TikTok videos from users who were prescribed a GLP-1. I wanted to listen to their reviews, success stories, and experiences with the side effects. I wanted to see what their diets looked like and if they gained any weight after coming off the medication. What I found was that most people did lose the weight they needed to. I also found that women who have insulin resistance (my initial diagnosis) and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) were using GLP-1 medications too. They were also successful in achieving a healthier weight.
There were a few TikTok users who reported experiencing the known side effects of nausea, vomiting, bowel changes, and loss of appetite. When it came to diet, I noticed that either these people were not eating clean, unprocessed foods or they were barely eating at all. A lot of the content found on TikTok when it comes to diet was packaged, processed foods or fast food (i.e. Chipotle or Chick-fil-A salad). As for exercise, there were some people that worked out daily and others that did not.
With that said, my approach to using Mounjaro was completely different. I know myself, and my goal was to be healthy regardless of choices and sacrifices I had to make. I wasn’t interested in instant gratification, I was interested in longevity and sustainability.
Having started a holistic detox, I had previously adopted a paleo diet in conjunction with the medication. Organic meat, fish, vegetables, and fruit. I started to read food labels and if it had some long scientific ingredients – I wasn’t buying it. I also eliminated soy, dairy, sugar, caffeine, gluten, alcohol, white carbs, legumes, and inflammatory oils (seed and vegetable oils). I continued my daily workouts five times a week, controlled my stress, and adopted a new sleep routine.
Come November 2022, I injected my first dose of Mounjaro into my belly. I did experience changes in my bowels for one week as my body adjusted to the medication. It wasn’t enjoyable, but I survived.
I think I vomited a total of two times but I cannot confirm if it was a reaction to the detox phase I was in or the medication. By the end of December 2022, I had lost 15 pounds and by the end of February 2023, I had lost an additional 13 pounds. I continued to stay disciplined and consistent with everything I was doing. I was motivated by the results, more so because the medication wasn’t cheap and neither was the holistic detox.
By May 2023 I had achieved a metabolic reset by losing 25% of my body weight. My bloodwork showed an insulin level of below ten. The endocrinologist said going forward metabolic indicators are how flat my stomach is. Pay attention to my sugar and salt cravings – not the number on the scale.
Let me tell you my stomach is flatter than it used to be and I don’t crave any sugar or salt.
Courtesy of the writer
May 2024 will make it one year since I am Mounjaro free. And guess what? I have maintained my weight by strictly adhering to my paleo diet, lifestyle habits, and gym routine.
In May 2023, my weight was 137 pounds; in December 2023, I weighed 134 pounds. As of today, I currently weigh 137 pounds. I have achieved an insulin level (3.5) of a pro-athlete, which shocked my endocrinologist. In eight months, I will be 40 years old. I can run a mile in under nine minutes and three miles in under 35 minutes, and I lift moderately heavy for a girl.
I have no regrets about using a weight loss medication to heal my body nor do I feel any shame around my decision. My medical issues and circumstances are unique to me. I didn’t do anything different other than advocate for my health, seek the right answers, and execute accordingly.
For me, it is very rewarding to know that I am in good health thus far and the lab work shows. I am so grateful to have the information and resources accessible to me so that I could heal my body.
My physical transformation wasn’t just about losing weight – it was about getting back to myself. For years, all I wanted was to get me back. And that’s exactly what I went and did. I would say when it comes to navigating the decision to use weight loss medications to heal your body – listen to yourself first.
It’s okay to ask for help from your doctor – especially when it’s deemed medically necessary or if your body isn’t functioning properly. It’s not just about how you look and feel but it’s also about your general health too. Good health surpasses any negative opinions formed against you.
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How To Find Peace And Acceptance Amid Estranged Family Dynamics This Holiday
As a child, my favorite childhood memories happened during the holidays. Whether it was Thanksgiving or Christmas, my house was the house my aunts, uncles, and cousins came to.
Christmas in a Caribbean household is full of laughter and vibrance. I remember my father playing his soca, calypso, and parang on vinyl. I remember my brother and I wine down the whole living room. We loved to dance, and we liked to cut up. I remember my mother would start cooking from the night before.
I would wake up to the aromas of freshly baked bread, fry bake, ham, brown stew chicken, curry goat, callaloo and rice, dahl, macaroni pie, and roti---all the traditional holiday foods of a Trinidadian household. I had thoroughly enjoyed being around my family during the holidays. And I truly miss those days.
Navigating estranged family dynamics is a reality for many during the holiday season.
AleksandarNakic/Getty Images
As I transitioned into a young adult, the holidays started to look a lot different for me. Life happened – my uncle, brother, cousins, and I all moved out of state. So, while my mother’s house was still the gathering spot, not so much anymore. And it wasn’t because of physical distance. But because of distance, something else became more visible even though it was always there. My home environment was subject to strain and tension among family. Yes, I have already stated my mother, and I never had the best relationship. However, this type of strain was before I came into this world.
Some family members have gone for years without speaking, and to this day, I couldn’t even tell you why. What I can say is pride, jealousy, ego, and envy ruin every single thing, including familial relationships.
At the time, I was too young to understand. I was told to “mind my business.” But I will say the notion of family not speaking in my immediate family was and still is a generational and/or repetitive cycle. An off-and-on type of thing where nothing is ever resolved – but hidden and buried. When you’re a child, you don’t notice these things at all. As an adolescent, you notice but you avoid asking questions to not add fuel to the fire.
As a young adult, you take mental notes, but you avoid addressing the issue. And as an adult when you finally leave your home environment, it is then you start to fully understand. You realize certain behaviors that you were surrounded with were completely toxic, unhealthy, and definitely not normal.
I imagine there will be a few women who might feel triggered as they read this but surely will relate, as their family dynamics may be similar.
This holiday season, let's take a look at the true definition of estranged family and how other women, including myself, navigate the holidays with estranged family dynamics, create new traditions, and find peace.
What Is Family Estrangement?
Psychology Today describes family estrangement as something that occurs when at least one family member begins distancing themselves from another because of longstanding negativity in their relationship. Causes of estrangement vary – this includes abuse, neglect, bullying, unaddressed mental illness, lack of support, destructive behavior, and substance abuse. It could also look like a parent not agreeing with a child’s sexual orientation, choice of spouse, gender identity, religion, and/or political views. This includes sibling estrangement, too.
According to an article from The Conversation, 27% of adults experience family estrangement that either they or another family member initiates. The article further emphasizes family estrangement is a process that is ongoing and varies in degree.
It is voluntary, intentional, and based on ongoing issues. It is not a particular event or outcome. My therapist states, “In my professional experience, estranged families are often in adults that experienced developmental and/or childhood trauma by one or both primary caregivers and/or other relatives that may have been closer, or when they realized that these relationships are toxic, unhealthy, or damaging to them.
"These adults have set boundaries expressed verbally or with their behaviors for their well-being and mental health. Taking this decision can be difficult for many and tends to happen after years of trying to navigate the challenges, disappointments, and upsetting interactions. For some, having clear limits about how they will continue some sort of relationship, making these changes, and being consistent suffices. For others, this estrangement is absolute.’”
Estranged Family & The Holidays
When undesirable family dynamics exist, it’s never easy. It is difficult AF. Whether you are the person who initiated the distance or on the receiving end of it. And I want more people to understand this. Regardless of whether it is the holidays or not – dealing with estranged family dynamics can be a constant emotional torment that may never end. You’re constantly longing for a reality that could never be true. For something you do not have.
Over the past 13 years, I have always spent holidays with my uncle, cousins, and friends as I live out of state. Despite a non-existent relationship with my mother, a conditional relationship with my brother, and a stable relationship with my father, I managed to find family in friendship.
As a child, I always felt lonely within my immediate family. So, from an early age, I gravitated towards others as a means of survival. Whatever emotional needs that my immediate family was incapable of giving, I was able to get from uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends.
Even if you're experiencing family estrangement during the holiday, choose to make joy the center.
Image by Milko/Getty Images
Last year, for the first time in years, the holidays were not something I looked forward to as my parents divorced after 40 years of marriage. I just couldn’t get into the holiday spirit at all. What little family I was holding on to was officially gone. At least, I felt this way. How the hell do four people become somewhat strangers? I had to find a way to grieve and/or cope with my reality despite my family and friends' opinions. Because at the end of the day, it is my reality and mine alone. I had to realize my decision to not communicate with certain family was for my own protection from dysfunctional, hurtful, and unhealthy behaviors.
My process for coping involved journaling, talk therapy, and connecting with friends who have similar family dynamics to mine. But this year, during the holidays, I chose to make joy the center of my life.
Krystal, 35, V., 31, and Kendra, 37, share what the hardest part of the holidays is for them and how they have coped with their feelings and reality over the years.
Krystal: “Having to re-establish boundaries, particularly with certain family members. As much as I would desire to have a 'typical' family holiday that I can spend with my mother and brother, it's just not possible, and the anxiety is triggering knowing I have to reiterate that I have set my own traditions and should not nor will jump through hoops in order to make others happy when there is no respect, to begin with.”
V.: “The hardest part about holidays for me over the years were the times when I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with or spend the day with – it felt really lonely and isolating.”
Kendra: “The hardest is seeing the families around you come together. Seeing them be a family and a happy one at that. Being envious and wishing you had that. I still get that way occasionally, but it's a very small thought.”
Finding Acceptance & Peace In Estranged Family Dynamics
I am not sure that acceptance and peace is something that is truly absolute when it comes to one’s own family. As children, we are socialized with the notion of “family first” and “blood is thicker than water.” What if the importance of family is not those things? I think we ignore the percentage of people that have family dynamics that bring more hurt than love. But if peace is absolute, it definitely takes time to get there simply because we are human. We are meant to feel, and we feel every single thing.
You can be triggered by the smallest of things – holiday movies or seeing other families doing holiday activities together. Yet, secretly wishing that your family can be that family. However, it takes a level of self-awareness to catch your triggers and thoughts, and reprocess them.
For me, I found acceptance and peace by learning how to accept my family and making peace with who they are. Also knowing it’s not going to change. It’s not on me to fix or do anything because I am not responsible for the dynamics at play.
Here is how Krystal, V., and Kendra found acceptance and peace with their families.
Krystal: “Journaling and therapy are vital. Making sure I do not compare my family dynamics with other families during the holidays and reminding myself to be present as opposed to looking at the past or future. Holidays do not have to be negative if your family dynamics are not what you would hope for. But also allowing myself space to grieve and process because you need to give yourself grace.
"Moving on and establishing boundaries is a lifelong process, especially when you come from a culture (Hispanic) that pushes heavily on family first, even if they are narcissistic and toxic. You have to be willing to accept that some family will not accept your decisions.”
V.: “Lots of healing work around my childhood trauma, reprogramming, and compassion. While also discovering my needs and learning to vocalize and enforce my boundaries.”
Kendra: “My family is messed up, and I chose to kick them to the curb. I wish I had different circumstances, but I don't, and I accept that I don't like these people, that I want nothing to do with them. I am very happy with my decision. It takes a while for some to accept that or get the courage to be on their own. Don't be afraid. Just fly!”
Self-Care & Wellness During The Holidays
Social media and media in general portray holidays as the most joyous time of the year. We see this in posts, Reels, commercials, television, and movies. It’s all around us in public places, at restaurants, and at holiday parties. The messaging and emphasis is always on the concept of family, love, warmth, togetherness, and creating memories. Again, what they get wrong or neglect is the percentage of people who may be unable to enjoy the holidays because of their family.
This is where self-care and wellness practices come into play. People who are navigating unfavorable family dynamics have the right to put themselves first to protect their mental health. It is not an act of selfishness to choose not to be around family for the holidays.
The intention is not to offend or hurt other family members, even though outside opinions may view your decision this way. In an article published by Monarch Therapy, it is stated that you must honor boundaries, own your feelings, recognize triggers, be compassionate to self, and engage in a self-care routine when it comes to how someone deals with their family.
Acknowledgment of self and wellness practices are key to coping and healing. This looks like being mindful of your thoughts, allowing yourself to feel, processing your feelings, and creating a routine you enjoy. As I mentioned previously, I practice all of the above not just during the holidays, but daily. And I think this is what makes holidays easier for me even though I have my moments.
Self-care around the holidays for me is allowing myself to process how I feel regardless of how uncomfortable it is, choosing to be around people I feel happy and emotionally safe with, and doing whatever makes me feel good. Whether that is lighting my favorite scent candle, binge-watching my favorite holiday movies, or making my favorite holiday treats.
Krystal, V., and Kendra explain how they handle their triggers and what self-care looks like for them.
Krystal: “Making little traditions for myself and those around me who are supportive and whom I consider family, as well as making sure to keep myself open to doing new or non-traditional holiday activities, also help. Yoga and moving my body have always been important, so incorporating movement such as walking outdoors to see a tree lighting ceremony or a winter art festival are other forms of self-care I like to implement.”
V.: “Giving myself permission to always do what’s best for me and my mental health. Knowing that at any moment, I can choose to leave a space that I feel isn't serving me. Also, giving all the parts of me extra love and comfort.”
Kendra: “I do what I want. I have a great partner that I lean on if I need it, and vice versa. He's way more into the holidays than I am, so he tries to bring all the cheer that I'm not a big fan of. I like making others happy, so I’ll be all festive for him.”
Creating New Traditions
The holidays are strongly tied to tradition, values, and societal and/or cultural norms regardless of where you are in the world, especially in America. With that said, I find at least in America more and more people are getting away from tradition. They are choosing to celebrate holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas through non-conventional choices. There are a number of reasons for this, too.
However, in an article byThe Atlantic, it is stated that there has been a shift in American family values, and this is the underlying cause of family estrangement. We as a society fail to realize the rules of family life have changed in the last 50 years regardless of how we try to hang on to tradition. And for people who struggle with being around family around the holidays — they are opting to do their own thing and create new traditions for themselves willingly.
I am still navigating through what new holiday traditions look like for me as a single 38-year-old woman with no kids. Ideally, I’d like to travel to different countries to spend the holidays there, and I have before.
I spent Christmas in my parents' home country of Trinidad as a child and as an adult. In 2020, I spent Christmas with a friend in Jamaica for a friend’s birthday. I loved every second of it.
However, this year, I proudly decorated my fireplace with a mini garland, gold beads, and red and white mini stockings. I put up a mini-Christmas tree with gold, silver, and bronze metallics. So, I guess I will start there.
Krystal, V., and Kendra share what holiday traditions they are creating for themselves and their family.
Krystal: “I just had a child, so focusing on giving him and my partner and being able to pass on the experiences and traditions I would have enjoyed is big for me. I still want to maintain cultural traditions such as Three Kings Day, which now, with a child, I can find a way to make it our own. I had already implemented a holiday ornament to add to the Christmas tree yearly that represented the year and all that has happened as well as going to a winter festival or tree lighting festival is also essential.
"A new tradition we are starting this year comes from Iceland where you gift each other a book to read and spend that evening (usually done Christmas Eve but could be done anytime) reading together.”
V.: “Some new traditions I am creating for myself are reminding myself that it is just another day and the day has whatever meaning I choose to give it. And just like any other day, I can spend it with whoever I choose - whether that’s my birth family, friends, or no one but myself.”
The holidays do not have to be a painful or lonely experience for you. Know that you are never alone.
Image by PeopleImages/Getty Images
Kendra: “I surrounded myself with friends, and they turned into my family. I have a nice group of them. Thanksgiving, I go to a few houses, eat, drink, socialize, and I'm truly happy. My 'real family' isn't even a thought. Christmas, however, was ruined for me early on, so I don't celebrate in a traditional way. I don't do presents. I think it’s a tradition that should be broken. I will bake sometimes and give them to people. Mostly, I do the same thing as Thanksgiving.”
With all this in mind, I want to say the holidays do not have to be a painful and/or lonely experience for you. But I wholeheartedly understand that if you are still in the process of making peace within yourself surrounding an estranged family.
There is no doubt you are going to feel all the things. It is more than okay. And it takes time. Your truth is your truth. Your experiences are valid.
Please do not let anyone tell you differently. You do not have to feel obligated to do anything or go anywhere. This includes forcing yourself to be around family and responding to texts and calls from estranged family if you do not want to. You can choose to hold space for estranged family in a different way.
By doing so, you are choosing to protect your mental health and choosing not to relive unpleasant memories. Ultimately, you are choosing not to repeat an unhealthy cycle. Instead, you are creating new moments and memories for yourself.
When asked what advice Krystal, V., and Kendra would give to other women who are struggling with estranged family dynamics during the holidays, this is what they had to say.
"Life throws us so many things, especially us. We can choose to dwell, be pissed or we can choose to find the little good things."
Image by JulPo/Getty Images
Krystal: “Remember that it's okay to grieve what you do not have but to focus and stay in the present. You have made it this far, and no one should shame you for establishing boundaries and taking care of yourself. Above all else, therapy is something that even if you have dismissed in the past, give it a second chance.”
V.: “Tend to yourself – love on your inner child/inner teen, whatever part of you that may be feeling the most affected. Figure out what you need – whether that’s to attend or host a Friendsgiving because you want to celebrate with others, or making your own dinner and having a movie night because you want to feel comfort. Know that you are never alone no matter how lonely a moment may feel.”
Kendra: One of my favorite quotes from Viktor Frankl is, 'Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.' Life throws us so many things, especially us. We can choose to dwell, be pissed, or we can choose to find the little good things. Pick yourself up and do whatever it is you are wanting.
"Yes, it's better with people who love you and you love back. So love yourself first because everyone is worth self-love, then go out and find the people that love you and you love. Whoever it is. We are born into a family, but we choose who ends up being that family.”
The key takeaway here is to always remember you deserve to feel a sense of happiness, peace, and joy – holidays or not. This holiday season, I encourage you to partake in all the things that fill your heart with love, warmth, and goodness.
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They say you can’t heal in the same place that made you sick. And I couldn’t.
The year was 2019, and I knew I had to go. My spirit was calling me to be alone and to go alone. It was required in that season. A few months prior, I had quit my job. And it was late 2017 when I had met trauma.
I was completely broken, and every part of me hurt. I was no longer the lighthearted Camille that everyone loved and knew me to be. I remember a family friend saying, “You’re not the same.” And I wasn’t. I no longer recognized the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I needed major healing.
It was 2018 when I found the courage to seek mental health therapy. At that point, I knew there was nothing more that my friends could do for me. I was all cried out, and the silence was killing me. At the time, I was diagnosed with clinical anxiety, depression, and PTSD. How?
How did I let trauma take complete control of my life? But I had to forgive myself for all the things I did not know.
At the time, my therapist introduced me to journaling as a coping mechanism. Words ultimately became my best friend. In many ways, I would like to think that writing saved me. I am in love with words, and I always have been. My writing was and still is my safe space. It unlocked opportunities I never imagined – like writing for xoNecole.
And with this gift, I can now tell you a story about my own trauma, healing, self-discovery, and the journey to learning how to celebrate myself.
Starting a Healing Journey
In early Spring 2019, I was told by a Reiki healer that I was going to embark on a journey. She told me it was going to be lonely, but I was never alone. The thing is I never once mentioned to this woman my travel plans. It was August 2019 when I planned my solo trip to Europe. It was going to be 38 days alone on a continent I knew absolutely nothing about. By the end of summer and a nine-hour flight later, I touched down in London.
I fell in love with every single thing. I fell in love with everything I could see – colors, cobblestone streets, spiral staircases, adorned windows, architecture, garden terraces, nature, and people. I fell in love with everything I could hear – accents, language, history, and music. I fell in love with everything I could taste – wines, foods, and desserts. I fell in love with everything I could feel – ocean breezes, white sands, and well-designed buildings. I fell in love with everything that fed my soul. People, stories, and connections. I fell in love with myself.
I traveled to England, Portugal, Spain, France, and Italy. And with every conversation and every connection I made – I found healing.
I always say women have the ability to heal others naturally. It was here in my travels that I started to pay attention to the concepts of purpose, connection, energy, alignment, and universal signs. I began to truly realize not only my strengths and universal gifts but also how to use them too. I started to step into my authentic self. I began to realize who Camille really was. A free spirit with a heart of gold.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
A New Season
By the time I had returned from Europe, it was late Fall 2019, and I was a completely different person.
I spent most of my time pouring into myself. Self-development and self-love became key. Everything that I previously settled for in family, friends, and relationships – I went and gave to myself. Read that again. I became completely in love with who I was becoming, and I still am. I had let go of tradition, conditional beliefs, people pleasing, and living my life to make my parents proud.
I had let go of being a “straight arrow,” and the idea of having it all figured out. I outgrew tradition and cultural norms. Sometimes, those things can be so blinding.
I began to shift. I adopted and altered the things that aligned with my purpose and values.
I became risk-tolerant instead of risk-averse.
I canceled my fears.
I welcomed uncertainty, knowing I would always land on my feet.
This newfound level of confidence came out of nowhere. It was no longer a question of if I can do this. The question became, how can I do this? I stayed open to possibilities and opportunities in whichever form they came to me. I became selective and intentional with my time and energy, too. I went from being a 9 to 5 government employee, then a corporate consultant, to a small business owner not once but twice by 2021.
If you ask me who I am now, I would say I am authentically a creative. I write from my heart, and I speak from my core. My voice is my power, and my words hold weight. By trade, I am a paralegal and a business consultant.
How Trauma Shows Up in the Body
Even though I was able to heal my heart, my mind, and my spirit, I wasn’t quite done healing. And I didn’t even know it. In the last seven years, I gained weight. This was a direct result of a broken heart, emotional trauma, mental health issues, stress, and poor lifestyle choices. I was a good 50 pounds overweight, too. I knew something was wrong with my body when it stopped responding to my dietary and lifestyle efforts.
I started to advocate for my health in the winter of 2022 to get clarity and answers. I sought the care of medical specialists, asked the right questions, requested second opinions, and tested and retested my blood. Not one doctor could properly diagnose me, either.
When Western medicine failed me, I chose holistic medicine. What I learned and what I understood was that my physical health issues were a straight-up trauma response. I cried. I was always conscious about my health, and now I’m sick with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Yes, PTSD triggers and is linked to autoimmune diseases.
I remember thinking, “I did this to myself, and I have to fix it.”
I spent the majority of 2023 detoxing with Chinese herbs, making every lifestyle change possible. My body was holding on to dead weight – it had to go for me to continue to become.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
Celebrating Myself
Summer 2023 couldn’t come any faster. I completed my holistic detox with sacrifice and ease. While everyone saw just a “body transformation,” for me, it was an emotional release.
I was no longer reminded of what transpired. I cried again.
There were so many days, months, and years that I thought I would never get me back. And I believed it. I mean, who wouldn’t? Medical experts adamantly told me that there was nothing wrong with me. All I wanted was to feel like myself again. I missed me so badly.
I looked for me everywhere. I couldn’t find her until I paused and did the inner work.
I wouldn’t change one thing about my healing journey. It all had to happen so I could be in this current moment. And this girl right here – I know exactly who she is. I know what she stands for through and through. And I’ll never stray from that.
I’ve grown so much, yet in some ways, I’m rediscovering who this girl is again. It’s so intoxicating.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
Returning to Europe
I have always wanted to go back to Europe. Europe is a magical place to be. It's the energy, the people, and the lifestyle for me. But the timing wasn’t right. It took the wedding of a close friend of mine to make my return happen. I returned to Europe in August 2023. This time to Greece.
At first, I didn’t realize the significance of the timing. But make no mistake, this was alignment, a full circle moment, and a testimony to myself. I started a healing journey in August 2019, and I returned as a completely different person this year.
Happy, whole, and healed. Resilient and confident.
I knew I was meant to share a pivotal moment in my friend’s life and celebrate myself. My word for 2023 was joy, and I wanted all of it. More importantly, I deserved it.
I fell in love with everything all over again. Everything that I can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste, that is. I created moments and memories. And I felt each moment and memory deeply in new places and with new faces. Greece owed me absolutely nothing. Europe will always and forever have a special place in my heart.
My five-year healing journey taught me to always choose myself. I am grateful because my entire journey brought me home to myself. And one thing about me is that when I am in the right environment — I thrive. Always.
The journey to self-discovery is worth the uncomfortable moments and ugly crying. It’s worth the undoing, redoing, and reprocessing to finally come to a place of happiness, peace, and being comfortable in your own skin.
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An Unspoken Wound: How I'm Healing The Trauma Of Not Having A Relationship With My Mother
I used to be a child that sought constant acceptance, approval, and validation from my mother. I longed for the mother-daughter relationships that I saw on TV, in movies, or that my girlfriends had with their mothers. I would be triggered watching mother-daughter Lifetime movie scenes. Warm tears slowly rolled down my face as I watch rehearsed scenes of what a mother-daughter relationship should look like.
As a child, I remember feeling like I was not worthy of my mother’s love. I remember feeling jealous of the love my mother would show to my twin brother and cousins. But when it came to me, my mother seemed to treat me differently. Every difference of opinion seemed to create distance. Every conversation turned into an argument. And I could never understand why.
From the time I was in middle school or either high school, I looked for motherly love in other women – my older cousins, aunts, godmother, my girlfriends’ mothers, and colleagues. At one point, physical distance made our relationship more amicable. But as I started to undo conditioned beliefs, become my authentic self, and heal my inner child, my relationship with my mother went from strained to completely estranged over the years. Believe me — I have tried to fix things with my mother. The pain just lingers. This is never what I had wanted. And I still don’t want it to be this way. I mean, what daughter would want that?
It took time and therapy, but I had to protect my energy and make peace with my reality. I love my mom as any daughter would. My mother is the reason I stand on my feet and not on my knees. I am more than grateful for my mother and everything she sacrificed for me. Because of my mother, I present and carry myself well. Extremely well. I am strong, independent, respectful, confident, responsible, educated, eloquent, well-dressed, successful, compassionate, well-rounded, graceful, disciplined, and hard-working. She raised one hell of a woman.
The relationship we have with our mothers is seen as one of the most important relationships in our lives. It is this type of relationship that dictates your interactions with other people. It is said what happens in your childhood shows up in platonic and romantic relationships. It’s true. Most of the time, mother-daughter relationships are portrayed as healthy, secure, loving relationships. Women often say, “My mother is my best friend.” However, this isn’t true for some women. As women have become more transparent about generational trauma, it’s definitely not true. What is true is that more and more women are sharing their experiences with having a toxic mother.
And I think it’s time we elevate the conversation about toxic mothers. It was within the last year or two I learned that the psychological term for an unhealthy relationship with our mothers is called the "mother wound." Thanks to theInstagram page @motherwoundproject, women like me have a resource to understand, validate, and cope with our own mother wounds. Let’s take a closer look at what the mother wound is, the signs of the mother wound, and how to find healing.
What Is the Mother Wound?
According to Stephi Wagner, the founder of the Mother Wound Project, themother wound is all the pain we carry from our relationship or lack of relationship with our mothers. It is thegenerational pain and a intergenerational complex trauma inherited and passed down between grandmothers, mothers, and daughters. The mother wound usually affects women of color, women from immigrant families, or women living in poverty. This pain can stem from childhood, adolescence, or adulthood.
It is important to note that the mother wound is not gender specific – both men and women can have mother wounds. However, it is more common in mother-daughter relationships. The mother wound can also be described as a loss or lack of mothering. For example, your mother may have been able to provide physical needs but could not provide for your emotional needs. Causes for the mother wound can range from neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, and/or sexual abuse.
The Signs of Having the Mother Wound
Every mother's wound is different and is experienced differently. It can cause emotional and mental damage. For me, my mother wound showed up as wanting my mother’s approval, trying to please my mother with my academic accomplishments, shaming my body, thinking my mother didn’t love me, conflict avoidance, and having weak boundaries.
According toPsychology Today, signs of the mother wound can look like this:
"Never feeling they had their mother's approval or acceptance;
"Concerns about not being loved by their mother or not being loved as much as other siblings or family members;
"Difficulties in relating to the mother on an emotional level;
"Feelings of having to protect, care for, or shelter your mother rather than her protecting, caring for, and sheltering you."
And according to theMother Wound Project, other signs of the mother wound may be described as the following:
"You feel responsible for the feelings and happiness of others;
"You have a history of unfulfilling, difficult, or even abusive relationships;
"You are either afraid of conflict and find yourself avoiding it at all costs, OR You find yourself seeking out conflict for the wrong reasons;
"You believe deep down that you are 'unlovable' or 'hard to love';
"You have a hard time saying no, setting boundaries, or asserting yourself, especially when others may be disappointed or upset;
"You care too much about the judgments and opinions of others."
These negative feelings lead to reduced self-esteem in your childhood and as an adult. Ultimately, one can end up having codependency issues in their adult relationships or struggle with an attachment disorder.
Healing From the Mother Wound
For the longest time, I thought I was the only one who had a difficult relationship with their mother. By speaking my truth, I found that three of my close friends also do not have healthy relationships with their mothers. And honestly, there was so much comfort and healing in knowing I had a friend that could relate to my experiences. It’s not easy to talk about the pain of not having a relationship with your mom. You are often envious or feel a way knowing that your friends have what you desire. The type of mother-daughter relationship filled with open communication, transparency, love, affection, and friendship.
Most of the time, friends like this don’t understand or can’t relate. They say things like, “I can’t imagine not speaking with my mom,” “You only have one mom,” or “It’s still your mom.” And to someone who struggles with not having their mom in their life - it’s probably the worst thing you could ever say simply because that is not our truth.
An article byMindbodygreen states that in order to heal from a mother wound we must learn to re-mother ourselves and set boundaries around the relationship with our mothers. We have to create a new relationship with ourselves and learn to meet our own emotional, physical, and practical needs. This means acknowledging our pain and grieving that pain with our inner child. It is recommended to work with a therapist to process those feelings.
I first addressed my mother wound in talk therapy and journaling. I also worked through my pain in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a past life regression (hypnosis), and equine-assisted therapy (horse therapy). The memories and feelings I had to unpack were uncomfortable but necessary for me to heal. I had to come to the understanding that the women before me didn’t know any better and were doing what they thought was right. By acknowledging this, I was able to change my reaction and/or responses, show compassion, and forgive my mother.
Please note that the mother wound is not a clinical or medical diagnosis. The mother wound just cuts deep. It is something that many women struggle to heal from. And if you are trying to heal from the pain of having a difficult mother-daughter relationship, I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s going to take some time.
And it’s going to take remembering things you don’t want to remember. You’ll unpack a whole lot of feelings. There’s going to be some ugly crying too, but the pain will soften. You will still have your moments and internal battles, but you will find acceptance, comfort, and peace. I have found that women have the natural ability to connect through our pain and heal each other just by sharing our truths.
So, if you think you are suffering from a mother wound or have a broken relationship with your mother, you can and will find healing.
I did and I am still healing.
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