CurlBOX Founder Myleik Teele Overcame Infertility To Birth The Biggest Venture Of Her Life
Halle. Kerry. Janet. Kandi. Tyra. So many power women are making major boss moves and having children later in life. And many millennial women are finding themselves creating their own businesses, while focusing on stacking major coins before wedding gowns and Pampers. Between career-climbing, traveling, paying salaries, or managing teams, making time to find a suitable boo to build a family with can be more than challenging for go-getter boss woman.
By the time you've mastered your business glow-up, the so-called prime time to have a child has passed, and in comes the frustration, the statistics about infertility, the shade of "Why you ain't married yet?", and the push to consider very expensive and trying options for becoming a parent.
Beauty industry powerhouse Myleik Teele knows this struggle all too well and is no stranger to pressures of the dating and mating game. The founder of CurlBOX and savvy friend-in-your-head who leads the very successful #MyTaughtYou podcast and international retreat thought she'd be the consummate single girl. "I was single for a really long time because I wanted to dedicate as much time as I possibly could to my business," Teele told XONecole EIC Necole Kane in a 2015 interview. "I think that maybe around a couple of years ago, I started to say, 'OK, I don't want to do all of this, have all of this, and have nobody to share it with. I've been on like 25 honeymoons by myself. This makes no sense.'"
Her work life was where she wanted it to be but she admittedly had been neglecting another area of her life: love. Her priorities were shifting, and as they did, it brought into question what a full life looked like to her. Teele would have no idea just how much motherhood would shape into being her answer.
"Every year, I typically do my annual physical around my birthday so that I just don't forget to do it. On my 35th birthday, I [went] to the doctor to do my annual everything. The doctor that I was seeing at the time was literally like, 'So, what are you going to do about having a child?'" Teele recalled during a recent podcast. "I was like, 'I don't know.' I guess I never seriously thought about it. At the time, I don't really think my love life was shaping up to really give it anymore thought. This doctor was just like, 'Well, I understand that you haven't thought about it, but at your age, it's time for you to at least start thinking about maybe you want to freeze your eggs, because your time is going to be limited.'"
She mentioned the idea to a friend who encouraged her to look into it, and so, like many searching for answers, she took to Google. "I went to an informational class and at the class [they tested AMH levels]," she says. "Every woman is born with a certain number of eggs in her body and every woman's eggs deplete at a different rate. This test is supposed to help you figure out where you stand."
After the test, Teele found out that her levels were well below what was considered the norm for women her age.
"I think [the test administrator] was like, 'Yours are at .04, or something.' It was basically like you are underneath the underneath. At that point, I was devastated for a couple of days. Whether or not I want a child---because I don't think I had decided---to [feel] like that option is taken from you---it was a miserable feeling. I will be honest, it was very miserable."
But, like in business and many of her podcasts where she gives women that kick-in-the-butt advice to keep going, Teele walked it like she talked it.
She'd made a way out of no way with curlBox, fulfilling a void in the market and creating something that had not successfully been done, full-scale before. With the same vigor, she chose to try other avenues and boost her chances to have a baby through hormone treatments.
"I tried, and it was very expensive. I spent $12,000 buying all of these shots and stuff, giving myself five shots a day and the doctor's like, 'Basically your fertility is low…' I went through a really dark period because I was like, just like you said, I just did all of this stuff and only to find out that I may not have the opportunity."
"I'm not going to beat myself up about this. I'm not going to feel defeated as a woman."
"I had a conversation with a friend and I realized that if this is the worst thing that happens to you in your life, you're actually doing well," she said optimistically. "I started to think of all the different options. You can do a donor egg, you can get an anonymous person's egg, have it fertilized, and you can have a whole pregnancy experience. There are even studies that show that once a baby is inside of you, carrying your blood and mannerisms, that is your child. You can also adopt. A lot of successful women I've interviewed have adopted children."
As Teele went over her options, she decided to take a breather to regroup and took a solo trip to Paris. "[During the trip], I read Diane Von Furstenberg's book, The Woman I Wanted to Be. I felt sad but liberated and [realized], you know what? I'm not going to beat myself up about this. I'm not going to feel defeated as a woman."
Shortly thereafter, she met her beau, who, she admits, had to deal with the aftermath of her egg-freezing experience. "I can't imagine what it's like to be newly dating a woman who's constantly talking about her eggs and lack thereof and children and stuff like that. That experience made me be ultra-honest in my relationship about coming to a conclusion on whether or not I was going to have kids. Normally, you're dating someone and it's like, 'Well, it's whatever. We have time,' [but] I think that whole experience let me know, you need to decide. You need to make up your mind."
She let go of the shame and chose to empower herself through open communication and emotional transparency. Then, it happened: In June 2017, she got pregnant naturally.
"Out of nowhere, a pregnancy test presented what I believed to be, the greatest challenge of my life. I launched into, 'How do I master each day of this pregnancy? What's happening inside my body? What's the best prenatal pill?' I'll read every prenatal review of a prenatal pill on Amazon and compare. What doctor is going to be the best in Atlanta? Should I have a water birth?" she says. "After I hung up the phone telling my partner, who happened to be out of town at the time, I raced to Barnes & Noble to buy every book on pregnancy they had. The cashier was ringing me up and she was like, 'Wow, are all of these for you?'"
But despite all the prep, Teele miscarried. "The day that I miscarried, I happened to have therapy. Because I was in so much pain, we did the therapy by phone. I told her what was going on and when she asked me how I felt, knowing that I could be 100-percent honest with her, I said, 'While I am very disappointed, I am also relieved.' I could not get off the crazy train and all of a sudden, the crazy train came to a screeching stop."
Just a month after her miscarriage, Teele discovered a positive revelation coaxed by the intuition of a friend. "I got back from [a] work trip and I got a text from a friend, Courtney, the founder of The Mane Choice. She asked if I was pregnant, and I side-eyed my text. I was like, 'What are you trying to say?' She said that she just felt like I was. I told her that while it wasn't completely impossible, it was highly unlikely. Hell, I just miscarried, and I had shared that information with her also. She then asked me if I had taken a test, I had not. I decided to take one the next day…[I thought to myself] I can just text her back and tell her she was wrong."
Myleik Teele/Instagram
The test was indeed positive, and this time, she decided to take it easy. No frantic book purchasing and less focus on controlling the process. However, the challenges didn't go away and neither did fear.
"Since I'm over 35 and had a miscarriage one month before conceiving this time around, I was considered high-risk which required tons of doctors appointments during the first trimester and third trimester," Teele wrote for Medium. "It wasn't until I hit the second trimester and the boy passed his 20-week scan with flying colors that I got some relief with the appointments.
"The fear of miscarriage after miscarrying seems to never go away."
"Everything I feared about becoming pregnant while being an ambitious entrepreneur is true. In the beginning, I slowed down and really wasn't able to accomplish as much in as little time and that did a number on my psyche. I didn't beat myself up at all, I just found myself feeling defeated some days."
The rest is history. Teele is now happily embracing her new role, and just one glance at her popular IG feed gives other young power women hope that they too can enjoy the miracle of giving life even if the odds might seem against them.
"A few days ago, I was thinking about how I'd always sort of imagined myself as a 'successful business person,' but never as a mom," she wrote in a recent IG caption under a photo where she lovingly embraces her son.
"The instructions are our instincts."
"With that being said, I had no idea what to expect… I spent the last nine months of my life equally delighted and terrified. … I felt a little fear move through me. Am I equipped to do this? And that's when the big lesson came for me. When God gives us the gifts, He whispers the instructions. The instructions are our instincts."
Despite facing her fair share of setbacks and uncertainty in the journey to mommyhood, Teele never gave up on the future that she saw for herself. She was as unrelenting in her path to becoming a mom as she was in her work and career.
For women over 30 who one day hope to be mothers, motherhood is not one size fits all. So whether you look into trying to conceive after miscarriage(s), freezing your eggs, adoption, surrogacy, or the traditional route by waiting for your Mr. Right - if it His will, it will happen. Sometimes when you least expect it. Teele's story is a testimony for women, proof that we can have every single thing that we want in this life and we don't have to sacrifice one area of our life in lieu of the other. God's plan is greater than man's.
To keep up with Myleik's new journey, follow her on Instagram, Twitter and/or subscribe to her MyTaughtYou Podcast.
Featured image by Myleik Teele/Instagram
- Pregnancy after miscarriage: What you need to know - Mayo Clinic ›
- 5 Ways Pregnancy After a Miscarriage Is Different | HuffPost ›
- When You Are Pregnant After a Miscarriage | Seleni Institute ›
- 23 Things About Pregnancy After Miscarriage | Pregnant Chicken ›
- Pregnancy After Miscarriage - Happily Eva After ›
- Getting pregnant after miscarriage | Mom Answers | BabyCenter ›
- Getting Pregnant After A Miscarriage: What You Need to Know ›
- After a Miscarriage: Getting Pregnant Again ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images