Everyone has at least one habit that feels so much like second nature that you may not even notice you’re doing it.
Drinking and regular alcohol consumption is one common activity in particular that most people engage in to take the edge off a long day, celebrate a special occasion, or commune during a social setting. But for some, this casual act can have a negative impact on their daily motivations, producing a dependency that may no longer be manageable.
Hitting the pause button on your boozy endeavors could give your body the reset and rest from those fruity cocktails — and there’s no better time than the top of the year to kick those new habits into gear.
Dry January, a 30-day challenge where people abstain from consuming alcohol for the entire month of January, ushered in a time to take new leaps into better habits to improve one’s wellness overall. It's the time of year to swap out your usual night out for a cozy night in with a cup of tea that has proven to offer major benefits like an improvement in mental health, boosting your mood and energy levels, weight loss, financial savings, and getting better sleep.
Sipping your worries away may seem like an effective way to cope with the pressures of our daily lives, but can gradually exacerbate underlying depression and anxiety. Taking time away from cocktails and glasses of wine can help put your true needs and desires to drink into the right perspective to ask yourself: do I need this or do I want this?
Now that Dry January has come to an end and our social lives are defrosting, you might be ready to discover the joys of sober socializing on your own terms. And to help, we’ve tapped Khadi Oluwatoyin, founder of Sober Black Girls Club, for insight on how to take your Dry January habits and turn them into a lifestyle you can ‘cheers’ to.
After graduating from law school in 2018, Khadi noticed a drastic change in her drinking consumption. “Even though my basic needs were being met, I was unhappy,” she shares with xoNecole. “Nothing felt good enough. I drank to numb my feelings until I decided to see a therapist in 2019.”
Through therapy, she discovered that she was dealing with depression and had been using alcohol to self-medicate. “My therapist advised me to stop drinking as alcohol exacerbates depression, but at that point, I couldn't stop,” she recalls. “I had become dependent on it.”
Khadi’s time in therapy gave her insight into the root causes of her drinking which served as a coping tool for her depression, low self-esteem, and her hyper-focus on high achievements and accolades. “I took pride in working multiple jobs and holding multiple positions all while tackling a rigorous course load. I had no concept of rest, play, or self-care,” she shares.
“Working as a new attorney and no longer being wrapped up in the busy life as a student, my sense of identity was shaken when I entered the 9-5 workforce,” Khadi adds. “I felt lost, and the amount of free time I now had made me extremely uneasy. I drank to escape the uncomfortable feeling.”
Armed with this new awareness, Khadi was inspired to put the bottle down and get real about the experiences that led her to believe that her worth was dependent on her productivity, fueling her need to overdrink.
Since then, Khadi shares that her life has seen many improvements following her commitment to a sober lifestyle, with the biggest change being in her self-image and outlook on life. “Sobriety has changed the way I think about myself and others. It has shown me the importance of authenticity and self-compassion,” she says.
Today, Khadi finds her self-worth in spending time with friends, dancing, taking on new hobbies, traveling, and walking in her purpose. With her online platform, Sober Black Girls Club, Khadi aims to support other women like her to consider the beauty in sober living and form a sense of connectedness outside of consuming alcohol.
While taking a step back from drinking cold turkey can be challenging within itself, it’s important to know that any change starts with small steps and giving grace to yourself when you feel like you’ve come up short of your goal. Seeking professional help before attempting to quit on your own, reaching out to your community, and finding the right tools is always the best place to start. But if you need the extra push, here’s what Khadi advises:
Strategies for Sobriety: Tips to activate in order to maintain a sober lifestyle
“Practice self-care like never before and find like-minded community. Meditation is common among those who practice sobriety, but you can also engage in self-care by taking warm showers before bed and journaling at the end of the day. It is also vital for people practicing sobriety, especially early on, to find a community of support. Community is essential for enjoying sobriety, rediscovering who you are, and connecting with others who understand what you are experiencing.”
How to manage cravings or resist being triggered by a desire to drink:
“The ‘4 D’s’ method — delay, distract, destress, and decatastrophize — is a classic common way to beat cravings. Since cravings rise and fall like waves, if you can delay a slip or relapse for 20 minutes you will generally find that cravings dissipate on their own.
“Cravings pass quicker when you engage in an activity for a few minutes. Destress, by taking deep breaths can keep you calm and rational when cravings hit. And decatastrophize by challenging false, catastrophic thoughts and reframing them into more accurate ones.”
Advice to those looking to take the leap into their journey toward sobriety:
“There is no such thing as failure. Courage, gentleness, and love will help you overcome any obstacle. Find a community that aligns with your goals and values. Understand that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to getting sober and that sobriety is an addition, not subtraction, to your life.”
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Serena Williams Hits Back At Skin-Bleaching Accusations: 'I’m A Dark, Black Woman, And I Love Who I Am'
Serena Williams is clapping back at skin-bleaching accusations. During a makeup tutorial for her beauty brand, Wyn Beauty, the tennis legend took the opportunity to address the "haters."
“And then I put just that neutral color, that is actually my skin color, and no, for you haters out there, I do not bleach my skin,” she said. “There is a thing called sunlight, and in that sunlight, you get different colors.”
The rumors started after the mom of two posted a video of herself and her husband, Alexis Ohanian, at their daughter's school play. In the video, she appeared to look a few shades lighter. During her response, she revealed that she was volunteering at the play and wore stage makeup.
“Yes, I’m calling you out on this because it is ridiculous that everyone’s like, ‘Oh, she bleached her skin,’" she said. "I’m a dark, Black woman, and I love who I am, and I love how I look and that's just not my thing.”
The 23-time Grand Slam champion also said that she doesn't judge anyone who bleaches their skin as she "stays in my lane."
Serena has always had style on and off the court, and even collaborated with Nike with her own collection Serena Williams Design Crew. However, the tennis champ has now pivoted into beauty.
Wyn Beauty was launched in April 2024 with at 10-piece collection of lip, eye, and complexion products. The brand was inspired by Serena's time on the court and the packaging is reminiscent of a tennis ball due to its chartreuse color.
“Throughout my career, I was always searching for makeup that looked good after hours on the court, mixing products myself and creating my own formulas while traveling the world,” she said in a statement. As she continues to make a name for herself in the beauty industry, I'm sure we will see a lot more looks from the tennis star.
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Feature image by Marc Piasecki/WireImage