Parenting isn't the easiest job, and as your kids get older, the task becomes a lot more challenging; especially once you get into the teenage phase. I don't know what it is about your kids once they reach their adolescent years, but it seems like they do a complete 380 (yes, I said 380).
In the blink of an eye, your precious little baby that you held in your arms and never wanted to put down all of a sudden hardly wants to give you a hug. The memories of them as little ones gives me baby fever at times.
With my oldest son (the teenager), I didn't feel like his mom at the beginning.
I don't know if it was because I had him so young, the fact that his grandmothers treated him like their child, or the fact he called me by my name and called my mom, "Momma." Either way, it wasn't until I had my youngest son that I began to feel like I had become a mother.
Yes, that was very hard for me to admit, but I can only tell the truth.
Fast forward to a time where my baby is now a freshman in high school, I'm finding it difficult to get him motivated about his education, chores, and just about anything else for that matter. When I was younger, it was known that we had to clean up because Kim Pace didn't play. There was never a discussion or a thought to pout about cleaning the bathrooms, washing dishes, and making sure our rooms were cleaned. On the education side of things, I wasn't pushed to make straight A's, but I always had that inner drive in me to do better than best.
This mentality is rubbing off into my parenting and the expectations I have set for my kids.
In my household, anything below a B is not allowed because I feel like in this day and age, young black boys must be pushed to become successful black men. Lately, I don't know if my pushing is having a positive or negative effect on my boys, mainly the oldest one. Recently, his grades have plummeted below my standards. Hell, he's even had F's and that's a HELLLLLL NOOOOO!. I feel that he would probably have more of those grades if I wasn't staying on top of him to study.
As a mother with a demanding career and a tunneled mindset, I try my hardest to stay current with my kid's school work, but it isn't always easy. Thankfully, the local school system requires their teachers to send frequent emails and/or text messages to alert us when there are tests, quizzes, projects, and etc. Although I love the notifications, I can tell my son does not feel the same because he can't get over on me.
After speaking with some people, I'm starting to question if I'm being too hard on my kids.
My biggest fear as a parent is that if I'm not hard enough on them then they'll end up not living their full potential, and if I'm too hard on them, they will not reach their full potential.
Basically, I'm finding myself in a place of "I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't." I've actually come to a point where I don't know what to do. Push harder or ease up?
My parents never pushed me to do more than just receive a high school diploma because in their day and time, that was the average goal to get a "good job." As far as grades, they just wanted you to pass. They might question a D, but they weren't upset about it because "you passed." Despite their low expectations for us, me and my other siblings put it in our own hearts and desires to further our education, either with college or a trade school.
My parents' idea of success and method of pushing education was not wrong or right, and out of five children, only one chose a different path. Although we all reached their minimum expectations of success, none of us ever experienced the fulfillment in being in an actual career. Even though I taught for five years and now I'm an adjunct professor, neither of those career paths offered me personal satisfaction. Now I'm working harder on my writing, poetry, and building my brand, which gives me my ultimate fulfillment, but it took me a long while to figure this all out, and I had to do it on my own.
In the same way I had to figure it out, I will have to let my babies figure it out too. But what am I supposed to do now?
Much of how we begin to operate as adults is according to the way we were raised and what our parents instilled in us. By that logic, I should instill hard work, determination, tenacity, and persistence in my own two sons. The problem is, my method seems to be not going in either ear of my oldest child. All I get is rolled eyes and the "I wish she shut the f-ck up!" look, which causes me to question if I'm being too hard and expecting too much.
Parenting is the hardest job.
At the end of the day, blame falls on the parent for the decisions that your children make no matter how we try to say it doesn't. There is going to always be something we could have done better or not done at all. I can truthfully say that I am at a loss right now, but I don't see myself easing up on either of them any time soon.
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"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Now, while it’s another message for another time that if this type of sex-related craving feels impulsive or out of one’s control, it could be a sign of someone who is leaning into some level of sex addiction; however, that is not what we’re going to unpack today. Today, we’re going to look into what could be going on with you if it seems like, lately, you’ve been having a greater desire for sex, and you can’t quite pinpoint why.
Because, just like, say, a craving for a particular type of food oftentimes reveals something that is going on with you physically or mentally — sex cravings tend to bring certain things to light in those same areas, too.
Let’s dig in…
Hormonal Shifts
GiphyAlthough I don’t have social media accounts, I do tiptoe out there to see what’s going on — and boy, do I roll my eyes whenever I hear folks act like being over 40 is old. SMDH. It’s especially annoying when I hear about it in the context of sex because, believe it or not, there are a lot of late perimenopausal and menopausal women who are “gettin’ theirs” more than some of these 20 and 30-year-olds are (just ask them).
One reason is that the fear of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, for many, is now in their rearview mirror. Another is because some are taking a form of hormone therapy to treat the changes that their system is going through — and when you’re getting more estrogen, progesterone, and/or testosterone into your body (in order to level things out) — HUNNAY.
For other women, even consuming phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) like peaches, garlic, berries, spinach, and cabbage can make them want sex more than when those aren’t a part of their diet. Bottom line here, a shift in your sexual hormones can definitely cause you to desire sex more than you have before (or have in a while).
Ovulation
GiphyBack when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit, something that I used to tell “my daughters” all of the time is when you know that you’re ovulating, that’s when you need to be hypervigilant about using wisdom when it comes to the sex-related decisions that you make. I’m thinking that most of you get why: your body was designed to feel its horniest when you’re able to get pregnant — and that is during your time of ovulation.
That’s why it really is a good idea to keep up with your cycle and, if a baby is not something that is on your priority list right now, you either avoid having sex during that time of the month or make sure to use some form of birth control. Chile, even women with low libidos can find themselves wanting to hang off of a chandelier or two when they are ovulating. It’s nature’s way.
A Healthy Diet
GiphyIf you happen to be someone with a sluggish sex drive and you know that you spend most of your time in a drive-thru, there is probably a direct correlation there. No joke. There is plenty of research out in cyberspace to support the fact that a wack diet and low sex drive have a lot in common. While processed foods and unhealthy fats can throw your (sex) hormones off, foods that are filled with zinc, vitamins B12 and D, and iron can ramp up your desire for intimacy.
This is why many people who decide to make a lifestyle change as far as their eating habits are concerned are oftentimes surprised by how much sex is on their minds and how much easier it is for them to orgasm because of it. While a part of it can be due to a boost in their sexual confidence, a lot of it has to do with consuming foods that will literally feed their libido (in a healthy way).
More Exercise
GiphyPlainly put, exercise makes you hornier. Not only does it boost your testosterone levels, (consistently) working out also lowers your stress levels and gives you a boost in the self-esteem department. On top of that, exercise makes you more flexible, builds up endurance, and increases blood circulation which can turn around and intensify your climaxes as a direct result. In fact, this is oftentimes why people will want to have sex right after a workout session.
While we’re here, let me also share that too much of a good thing can end up being counterproductive. What I mean by that is, that although it is wise to exercise on a regular basis, make sure to not overdo it. Something known as overtraining syndrome can result in fatigue, insomnia, and irritability; no one can really have amazing sex when all of that is going on.
Being a Certain Age
GiphyWhile it used to be said that the sexual peak for men is in their teens and for women, it’s in their 30s (some believe it’s because after 35, it’s more challenging for women to get pregnant and so our biological clock plays a role in it all), some research believes that coming to that conclusion isn’t fair because aging affects people differently. For instance, while on one hand, people in their 40s tend to see a dip in their sex hormones, as we’ve already discussed, hormone therapy (for both men and women) can level some of those issues out, if not increase some people’s sex drives altogether.
Adding to that, it should also go on record that some studies indicate that women between the ages of 27-45 actually have a stronger desire — or craving — for sex than women between the ages of 18-26. So honestly, there goes the myth that being younger (automatically) means that you’re hornier. #Elmoshrug
Certain Medications
GiphyIf you used to have a higher sex drive and you’re currently on an antidepressant, that could be why your desire for copulation has decreased. Some studies say that as much as 40 percent of people who are on these types of medication end up having a lower libido (by the way, antihistamines and beta-blockers can have this effect, too).
On the other hand, if you’ve been taking a prescribed drug to increase your sex drive (perhaps like Vyleesi or Addyi), then it would make sense that you may have an increased libido level. Other meds that may have a similar effect include birth control pills (since they alter your hormones), medications that help to treat Parkinson’s disease, along with dopamine-related drugs.
Less Stress
GiphyIf, on the days when you don’t seem to have a care in the world, you also desire sex more than usual, that’s not a coincidence either. Thing is, when you’re all stressed out, that can cause the stress hormone known as cortisol to work overtime and, when that happens, that can end up suppressing your sex hormones which can deplete you of sexual urges. Ironically, there is a flip side to this because when you engage in sexual activity, that actually elevates feel-good (and bonding) hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which can also de-stress you.
So basically, if you’re craving sex, you probably aren’t very stressed out (right now), and if you want to stop being stressed out, you probably should have some sex (some protected sex, if you don’t want to be stressed later up the road…if you know what I mean).
Having an Amazing Sex Life
GiphyTo me, this one right here should be a given because when something is both good to and for you, why wouldn’t you want more of it? So yeah, if you have a great sex life with someone, it’s common sense that you’d want to engage in that act with them as much as possible. Hey, not to mention the fact that orgasms activate your brain in a way similar to a drug high does.
So, if while reading this, you’re thinking about sexting your bae to make arrangements to — eh hem — satisfy your craving, I say go for it! To “greatly want” to connect with your partner in order to have some fulfilling and satisfying sex? What in the world could possibly be wrong with that?! Not a damn thing.
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