Quantcast
This Is Why You Have Trust Issues
Getty Images

This Is Why You Have Trust Issues

If you can't trust yourself, how can you expect to trust anyone else?

Love & Relationships

Do you feel anxious or find yourself constantly on edge thinking about your partner being unfaithful to you? Are you constantly looking for ways to control your partner’s behavior and who they associate with to “stop” them from cheating? Do you find you have a hard time trusting your partner even if they haven’t given you a reason not to? Chances are, you have trust issues. And if you do, you’re definitely not alone.


In order to learn more about trust issues, we spoke to licensed relationship therapist Eboni Harris who defines trust issues as “difficulty trusting a person due to past betrayal, manipulation, or abandonment.” And while trust issues most frequently come up in relation to romantic partners, trust issues can show up in familial, platonic, and professional relationships as well. She adds, “Trust issues are also not always about infidelity. It can also be concerns around being left for someone else, being disrespected, or someone getting what you desire/'deserve' from your partner.”

Read on to learn more about what causes trust issues, how to deal with them, and how to navigate relationships with a partner who has trust issues.

Examples of Trust Issues

Indications of trust issues can differ based on personal experiences, Harris says. She adds that one example can be, “checking the phone of a significant other every time there is an opportunity even though you haven’t had a reason to suspect anything."

Signs of Trust Issues in Relationships

Signs also include:

  • “Suspecting your partner of foul play every time they are not physically in your presence even though nothing has ever happened to lead to the suspicion;
  • “Attempting to control your partner's behaviors, relationships with others, and how they spend their free time;
  • “Anxiety when your partner does not immediately respond to a text message or a phone call;
  • “Resonating with statements/phrases like: ‘Don’t trust anyone,’ ‘People are inherently bad,’ ‘Trust is earned,’ ‘You can’t fully trust anyone,’ ‘People are selfish and only look out for themselves,’ etc.”

Causes of Trust Issues 

Trust issues are usually an amalgamation of trauma. Eventually, those experiences act as evidence to the person with trust issues that people can indeed not be trusted. It is oftentimes not just the event that causes the trust issues but instead the damage done in the wake of the trauma. Harris explains, “How traumatic events are processed or addressed after the event tends to have lasting effects. If you address a traumatic event with your partner or parent and they don’t believe you, gaslight you, or put no effort into helping you understand it, you start to question your own gut or reality of events.”

Without the opportunity to process or gain clarity and understanding about what you’ve experienced, you are left without the ability to trust yourself. “If you can’t trust your own gut or sensibilities, it can be impossible to trust others,” Harris concludes.

Trust Issues In Healthy Relationships

While “trust issues in a healthy relationship” can seem like an oxymoron, a healthy relationship can thrive even with trust issues present. It’s all a matter of self-awareness. Harris explains, “If the person with trust issues understands the source of their issues and how it shows up in relationships, they can put some processing time between feeling an emotion and the emotional reaction. This allows space to not put the weight of the trust issues on your partner and understand that the severity of the emotions you feel are not fully caused by your partner.”

The partner without the trust issues also must possess a level of self-awareness in the partnership as well as a sense of understanding. Possessing those traits will help the other person to navigate emotional reactions without taking them personally. “It is important to validate the emotional experiences of your partner while not taking responsibility for their emotions.”

Harris also says it’s important for the partner to remember their role. It’s one of support, not one of fixing. “If you are the partner of someone with trust issues, it is important to stay in the role of supporter. You are not meant to fix someone else’s issues. The best thing you can be is honest, consistent, and transparent but that may not stop the emotional reactions or what may feel like irrational concerns.”

It should be noted though that having trust issues oftentimes results in unhealthy relationships due to the fact that people struggling with them tend to face challenges in building and maintaining healthy, long-term relationships. “It is the role of the person with trust issues to do their work to overcome the insecurities and not project them onto their partner.”

How To Deal With Trust Issues

“Addressing trust issues starts with identifying the source(s) of the trust issues,” shares Harris. “What are the traumatic experiences you have from childhood and/or previous relationships? Remember you are looking for experiences that created feelings of betrayal, manipulation, or abandonment even if it wasn’t directed toward you. You may also look at burdens/beliefs that may have been passed down from previous generations.”

Harris then suggests that a person seeking to do inner work on their issues with trust should learn healthy coping skills to better manage emotional reactions and soothe anxieties around trust. She continues, “This is an important step because as you start working on previous traumas, a lot of unhealed wounds will be uncovered and you want to know how to care for the wounds until they are healed.”

The last step, Harris advises, is to heal those traumatic experiences you previously had. Take your time and be consistent. For this step, consider working with a reputable mental health professional to act as your guide through your healing process.

Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.

Featured image by Getty Images

Don't Miss These Epic Cyber Monday Deals By Black-Owned Brands

Many of us, at some point during this year, made it a point to be a bit more frugal and devote more dollars to that savings account in the name of adulting. But today isn't one of those days, sis! Cyber Monday is here, and the deals today are something serious! As we all know, Cyber Monday is the last opportunity to grab hold of the tremendous post-Thanksgiving sales right before the Christmas shopping season goes into full swing. It's the perfect time to take the plunge on pricier items that are finally on sale or to get the bulk of your end-of-year shopping in for a steal. The only thing that could be better than scoring an epic price slash on a dope haul is knowing you're supporting hard-working Black woman entrepreneurs in the process. After all, what's better than buying Black?

Whether you've got the bulk of your holiday gifts accounted for, or have barely made a dent in your shopping list, we can't stand to see you miss out on these incredible discounts being dished out by some of our favorite ElevateHer brands. From Uoma Beauty's epic 80% off sitewide discount to Forvr Mood's very rare candle sale, here's a list of all the best deals to get your hands on before Cyber Monday is out!

Uoma Beauty - Get Up To 80% Off The Entire Site, No Code Needed



Melanj Hair - Get Up To $60 Off Hair Extensions



Ami Colé - Use code "Holiday" for 20% sitewide.


Peak + Valley - Enjoy 25% off all products with code "blackfriday"


Salt.xo- Shop 40% Sitewide No Code Needed


Grace Eleyae - Buy One Get One Free on Apparel, Products, and Select Accessories

Milano Di Rouge - Get 25% Off Select Styles, No Code


Aseye Studio - Take 30% Off Sitewide For Cyber Monday



Sucré Couture - Up to 45% Off Sitewide


Andrea Iyamah - Take An Additional 25% Off


Forvr Mood - Enjoy 30% Off All Candles With Code "CyberMonday30"


Kingston Goods - Enjoy Free Standard Shipping + 50% off duvet covers with code COZYSZN


The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
8 Kinds Of Sex Every Couple Should Have In Their Rotation

When it comes to sex, you can never have too many tricks up your sleeve. A long-term relationship can quickly become boring, and nothing kills desire faster than boredom. When people get comfortable in long-term relationships, they often lose their spark. Relationships are like monthly subscription services. You get the first month for free, but after that, you have to actually start investing in order to continue to reap the benefits.

Keep reading...Show less
'Black Panther: Wakanda Forever' Reminds Us That Angela Bassett Is Still Owed An Oscar

In a world much fairer than the one we currently occupy, Angela Bassett shelves would be adorned with multiple Oscars. While watching the latest installment of the Black Panther franchise, I was reminded of the sheer brilliance and excellence of the actress who has blessed audiences with her boundless talents for over three decades now. I wasn’t the only one captivated by Bassett’s performance, with some people even going as far as to suggest that Bassett might garner award recognition for the role.

Keep reading...Show less
The Best Healing Rituals For You Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Healing rituals are key to thriving in this human experience. If you are not regulating your emotions, taking the time to process, and giving your spirit time to renew and heal, then you are often carrying emotional heaviness from one experience to the next. Healing rituals are a way to give your mind, body, and soul the attention it needs and craves, and to put yourself in a better position to live your best life. When you take the time to heal within, positive transformations occur without.

Keep reading...Show less
black-family-dinner-table-grief-loss-during-holidays

The holidays are widely known as a time for celebration. It is a time when many people gather together to engage in community, cultivate connection and experience the joy of togetherness. Hallmark movies play on most TV screens and the dinner table is spread to serve people in abundance. A season that is often widely known for joy, can simultaneously be a season of grief for many. There are folks who will go through this holiday season with someone they love missing from the dinner table. A stocking that would usually be found hanging over the fireplace will be out of sight. No one talks about the heaviness of death and loss during the holidays.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
Latest Posts