This Is Why You Have Trust Issues
Do you feel anxious or find yourself constantly on edge thinking about your partner being unfaithful to you? Are you constantly looking for ways to control your partner’s behavior and who they associate with to “stop” them from cheating? Do you find you have a hard time trusting your partner even if they haven’t given you a reason not to? Chances are, you have trust issues. And if you do, you’re definitely not alone.
In order to learn more about trust issues, we spoke to licensed relationship therapist Eboni Harris who defines trust issues as “difficulty trusting a person due to past betrayal, manipulation, or abandonment.” And while trust issues most frequently come up in relation to romantic partners, trust issues can show up in familial, platonic, and professional relationships as well. She adds, “Trust issues are also not always about infidelity. It can also be concerns around being left for someone else, being disrespected, or someone getting what you desire/'deserve' from your partner.”
Read on to learn more about what causes trust issues, how to deal with them, and how to navigate relationships with a partner who has trust issues.
Examples of Trust Issues
Indications of trust issues can differ based on personal experiences, Harris says. She adds that one example can be, “checking the phone of a significant other every time there is an opportunity even though you haven’t had a reason to suspect anything."
Signs of Trust Issues in Relationships
Signs also include:
- “Suspecting your partner of foul play every time they are not physically in your presence even though nothing has ever happened to lead to the suspicion;
- “Attempting to control your partner's behaviors, relationships with others, and how they spend their free time;
- “Anxiety when your partner does not immediately respond to a text message or a phone call;
- “Resonating with statements/phrases like: ‘Don’t trust anyone,’ ‘People are inherently bad,’ ‘Trust is earned,’ ‘You can’t fully trust anyone,’ ‘People are selfish and only look out for themselves,’ etc.”
Causes of Trust Issues
Trust issues are usually an amalgamation of trauma. Eventually, those experiences act as evidence to the person with trust issues that people can indeed not be trusted. It is oftentimes not just the event that causes the trust issues but instead the damage done in the wake of the trauma. Harris explains, “How traumatic events are processed or addressed after the event tends to have lasting effects. If you address a traumatic event with your partner or parent and they don’t believe you, gaslight you, or put no effort into helping you understand it, you start to question your own gut or reality of events.”
Without the opportunity to process or gain clarity and understanding about what you’ve experienced, you are left without the ability to trust yourself. “If you can’t trust your own gut or sensibilities, it can be impossible to trust others,” Harris concludes.
Trust Issues In Healthy Relationships
While “trust issues in a healthy relationship” can seem like an oxymoron, a healthy relationship can thrive even with trust issues present. It’s all a matter of self-awareness. Harris explains, “If the person with trust issues understands the source of their issues and how it shows up in relationships, they can put some processing time between feeling an emotion and the emotional reaction. This allows space to not put the weight of the trust issues on your partner and understand that the severity of the emotions you feel are not fully caused by your partner.”
The partner without the trust issues also must possess a level of self-awareness in the partnership as well as a sense of understanding. Possessing those traits will help the other person to navigate emotional reactions without taking them personally. “It is important to validate the emotional experiences of your partner while not taking responsibility for their emotions.”
Harris also says it’s important for the partner to remember their role. It’s one of support, not one of fixing. “If you are the partner of someone with trust issues, it is important to stay in the role of supporter. You are not meant to fix someone else’s issues. The best thing you can be is honest, consistent, and transparent but that may not stop the emotional reactions or what may feel like irrational concerns.”
It should be noted though that having trust issues oftentimes results in unhealthy relationships due to the fact that people struggling with them tend to face challenges in building and maintaining healthy, long-term relationships. “It is the role of the person with trust issues to do their work to overcome the insecurities and not project them onto their partner.”
How To Deal With Trust Issues
“Addressing trust issues starts with identifying the source(s) of the trust issues,” shares Harris. “What are the traumatic experiences you have from childhood and/or previous relationships? Remember you are looking for experiences that created feelings of betrayal, manipulation, or abandonment even if it wasn’t directed toward you. You may also look at burdens/beliefs that may have been passed down from previous generations.”
Harris then suggests that a person seeking to do inner work on their issues with trust should learn healthy coping skills to better manage emotional reactions and soothe anxieties around trust. She continues, “This is an important step because as you start working on previous traumas, a lot of unhealed wounds will be uncovered and you want to know how to care for the wounds until they are healed.”
The last step, Harris advises, is to heal those traumatic experiences you previously had. Take your time and be consistent. For this step, consider working with a reputable mental health professional to act as your guide through your healing process.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images