Jada Pinkett Smith Talks Autonomy & Reveals The Truth About Betrayal In Her Marriage
Traditionally, marriage is associated with a loss of identity, infinite sexuality, exclusivity and letting go of your personal desires in order to serve those of your partner; but according to the latest episode of Red Table Talk, tradition isn't what kept Will and Jada's 20+ year marriage afloat, autonomy was. Jada Pinkett and Will Smith have held it down for more than a decade as one of Hollywood's most famed couples. After meeting in 1994 and later rekindling their relationship during Will's divorce proceedings with his ex-wife Sheree, the two have remained tight-lipped about their relationship until now.
When Jada released her wildly popular Facebook series, Red Table Talk, the show addressed a number of questions about the previously private couple that we've all been dying to know the answers to, and this week's episode did not disappoint. In the past, the hosts have discussed everything from their rumored involvement with Scientology to porn addiction, but this week, the Smith family took a seat at the Red Table to tell the truth about polyamory.
Joined by world-renowned couple's therapist, Esther Perel, Jada and her mom Adrienne led today's Red Table Talk with a candid conversation about infidelity that might make you look at your marriage differently. At the beginning of the episode, Jada recited a statistic that revealed that 57% of men and 54% of women have cheated on their partners. While the general consensus is that the reason someone has been unfaithful is because they are unhappy at home or have a sh*tty moral compass, many times, infidelity is much more complicated than that. Jada explained:
"You might be married to someone that is just an innate adventurer, like there's just certain kinds of desires within that have nothing to do with you, per se. But they are personal desires that need to be explored in some manner. And even if it's not necessarily an exploration that lasts forever, it's an exploration that needs to happen to get through a passage of some kind."
The hosts also agreed that while infidelity can cause emotional turmoil, it is not always a justification for divorce. In fact, according to the hosts, there are many other disloyalties that can take place in a relationship that can be even more detrimental than cheating. While Jada said that there had been no infidelity in her relationship with Will, she explained that there had been other "betrayals of the heart" that had taken place within their marriage that were just as heartbreaking as adultery. She explained:
"I'm asked a lot about, is there infidelity with your relationship with Will and I'm like, no, but there have been other betrayals of the heart that have been far bigger than I could even think in regards to an infidelity situation. When you talk about contempt, resentment, neglect, it can just tear your world apart."
According to the 47-year-old actress, the key to rewriting your relationship narrative is breaking free from the idea that marriage should only look one way. While Jada and Will had initially built their relationship on the traditional idea of what a husband and wife should look like, they soon learned that the image they had created was not at all reflective of who they were as individuals. Jada revealed that ultimately, autonomy was the secret that allowed her and her husband to press the reset button on their relationship:
"That's an important concept; specifically for me in regards to redefining my marriage as a life partnership, was the necessity of autonomy for myself and for Will, and finding the core of us that wanted to be together outside of the constraints of the traditional ideas of marriage because they weren't working for us. We went on that journey of that life partnership to find that autonomy and to find the true authentic bond outside of obligation. I don't want you to be obligated."
"What part of this is the part that you actually want and the part that you actually want to be devoted to? And what part of this do I want and want to be devoted to outside of what we've been told we're supposed to be obligated to?"
In theory, two halves can make a whole, but life has taught me that relationships work a little differently. When it comes to choosing a partner, you should both be whole, first.
The hosts also reminded the audience that being a partner in a marriage is not the same as playing a role in a relationship, because you could potentially wind up playing a part that you never even auditioned for. Jada says that focusing less on her duties and responsibilities of a "wife" and focusing more on her needs as an individual was how she and Will were able to promote their marriage to a life partnership, and since then, their relationship has never been stronger. Last year, Will echoed this sentiment when he said:
"What we realized was that we were two completely separate people on two completely separate individual journeys and that we were choosing to walk our separate journeys together."
Take a page out of Jada and Will's book, hit the Heisman on infidelity by embracing autonomy. Every day, you have a new opportunity to grow together with your partner when you reimagine what your relationship looks like for you both as individuals.
Check out the full episode below!
Featured image by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images