Every week, I see yet another 'rest in peace' status on my social media feeds. Sadly, they also happen to be for people that are around my age. Because of this, I have developed a very 'YOLO' approach to life. The crazy part of it all, I was raised to be the exact opposite. Let me set it up for you.
I was raised by a parent that, for reasons unknown, developed a very skewed outlook on life. As a child, I was raised to often be in fear, not just of my surroundings but of stepping outside of 'the box' in general.
Like most kids, I had a very large imagination and expressed my desire to grow up and work in certain career fields like acting or even becoming a lawyer. While the average parent would encourage such hopes and dreams, I was instructed that 1) acting wasn't a real career path and 2) that becoming a lawyer was way too hard.
So, I developed this thing where I would accomplish goals for the sake of proving people wrong. Whether it was going out for varsity cheerleading squad in high school or taking the necessary steps to actually get into law school, I found myself living for the approval of others.
Around the age of 25 (yes it took me that long), I slowly started to see that I was doing this thing called life all wrong and that my life was mine to live the way I wanted to live it. Thank you therapy!
It started with my desire to travel. Before 2012, I had never stepped foot beyond the East Coast, let alone to another country. I saw friends that traveled often and knew it was something that I wanted to try, so I did. I applied for my passport and the rest was history.
I started with a cruise and then a trip to Cancun. There was so much outside of that little comfort zone I was told to stay in, and I had to keep going. I then found myself traveling internationally at least twice a year.
To date, I've traveled to over 30 countries.
Next, was my desire to try more thrill-seeking, adrenaline-pumping experiences. There was always a little Evel Knievel inside of me, I just had to set her free. First, there was jet skiing and parasailing. I loved every single second. Fast forward to present day and I've added skydiving, paragliding, and diving in the Great Barrier Reef to that list.
Now, my career. While I am still very much a licensed attorney in good standing, that's not what I choose to do these days. Luckily, it is a career that I can return to as long as I remain active. Instead, I've decided to follow my love of writing and traveling. I've touched 6 of the 7 continents, interviewed famous people, and have even been able to try new experiences like glamping (glamorous camping).
In the last two years, I have seen and done things that many people would only dream of doing. All because I found the courage to live.
If someone would have asked me if this is where I saw my life going less than 10 years ago, I probably would have laughed. So often we are conditioned to live by "society's rules", that we wind up losing out on our own happiness. For me, that's no longer an option.
While life isn't perfect, I can say that I am 100% living the way I want to and that's what's most important. Don't be afraid to step outside of that box, you never know what's waiting on the other side.
Featured image by Shutterstock.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
I always had the desire to move abroad, but I didn't know how people would react and I didn't know what steps to take to do so. I knew that practicing law abroad was out because I would need to take an overly expensive exam to do so. I was good on that.
I had several friends that moved abroad after college to teach English in Asia. Again, this was right after college when most people are still trying to figure out life but still put money in their pockets. So, it made sense. But what about someone who has been in their career for the last 7 years? A career that you put so much time, money, and effort trying to get?
I knew I would get several side-eyes for my decision, but I could no longer stand to be in the rat race that I was in. After lots of research, praying, and chatting with friends who had done it—I knew it was what I wanted to do.
I settled on going to South Korea because I didn't have a teaching degree that other countries require and they had the best benefits package for those without credentials. Yes, it was a significant pay cut from what I was used to but the cost of living made it worth it. Plus, my apartment, utilities, and healthcare were covered, which was something I definitely wouldn't get at my regular job. I would make about $2,000 each month plus receive a nice pension for each year that I carried out a contract.
I initially went through a recruiter, but that didn't work out. I posted in a Black expats in Korea Facebook group, asking if anyone had any other leads and, minutes later, another woman messaged me about a program she was working for that had a great reputation. I reached out to the rep and somehow, someway within weeks I was hired to become an English teacher in Korea.
It took some time to explain this to my mother, mostly because she's never been one to understand my need to travel the world, but after a few months, it clicked that my mind was made up and nothing could stop me from going. Lucky for me, the time that I would need to be in Korea to start was right around the same time that my lease was up at my apartment. Talk about divine order.
I officially left the states on July 20, 2017.
I was anxious, nervous, and excited. So many emotions were running through me all at once. I had watched several YouTube videos to get an idea of the Black experience there, but I took it with a grain of salt because each experience is what you make it. I was assigned to teach in two elementary schools in a city about an hour outside of Seoul. I instantly connected with the kids and knew that I was where I was supposed to be.
Sure, there were rough days and the language barrier was tough but prior to going, I spent time on my own learning their language too so that I could show them that me being there wasn't a one-sided thing; it was for us all to learn from each other.
During my one year abroad, I was truly my happiest self. I was refreshed and glowing. I traveled often, bonded with an amazing group of Black women who kept me sane, and learned more about who I was as a person.
The plan was to stay longer than a year, however, I had a minor situation with a racist business owner that left a bad taste in my mouth. This happened around the time that we had to give notice if we would renew our contract. As things go, I was over the situation within days but it was too late to change my decision.
I moved back to the States on August 8, 2018. I've been back a little over a year now. I miss my life abroad often. While I'm not 100% back in the rat race I was in before, I miss the freedom and peace of mind that I had while being there. Not having to worry about bills, or keeping up with the latest styles and trends. I could unapologetically be myself there.
I am making the most of my time at home, but I also see myself making a move abroad again. Something keeps calling me back and I just can't stay away!
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock.
"Lose the weight and you'll be great," they said. "It's all about getting physically healthy and feeling better."
While shedding the pounds would bring a healthier me and a wardrobe that I had dreamed so long to have, what they didn't tell me about was the constant mental battles that I would encounter. Even 10 years later.
You see, I was overweight all of my life. As a child, I was constantly teased for being heavier than most of my peers. While the teasing hurt, I chalked it up to kids being kids. After all, I teased a few people myself. Kids would ask things like why is your stomach like that? Or they would point out and even pinch my chubby cheeks.
My weight was mostly due to eating lots of fast food and quick-fix meals. It's not that I necessarily overate, but I was never taught how to eat healthily and I wasn't the most active kid. As early as elementary, I took notice of my size in comparison to my peers; it was even more evident when they would come to school with new outfits from Limited Too. I begged and begged for the chance to buy clothes from there, but as reality would have it, they didn't fit me.
Things got worse as I got to high school. Not only were kids teasing me, but I also had my mother constantly pointing out that I was bigger than most girls in my class and for that reason, boys would never like me. It hurt like hell. But, I didn't know what to do to change it.
Fast forward to undergrad.
During my junior year, I went through a pretty bad breakup that sent me into one of the worst bouts of depression I've ever faced. The pounds packed on mostly due to not getting out of bed and emotional eating. At only 5 foot 4, I found myself weighing around 230 pounds. I was the heaviest I'd ever been and at that point, I was convinced I would be heavy forever.
The desire to get healthier didn't come for another 3 years, during my second year of law school. Surprisingly, my first thought wasn't to get in the gym to lose the weight, but to first get a breast reduction. I was convinced that the bulk of my weight came from my breasts being too big for my frame. Little did I know, the consultation would be the wakeup call I needed to get my health in check. It was there, at the age of 22 that I learned I was morbidly obese and for insurance to cover my surgery, I would need to lose at least 70 pounds first.
I thought the doctor was out of her mind. It wouldn't be until a year later that I'd take the advice to heart and start to take my health seriously.
In early 2010, I began incorporating regular exercise into my everyday routine. I learned to start making better food choices and even cooking at home. By the end of that summer, I had lost nearly 40 pounds and was determined to keep going. And well, keep going I did.
Seeing my body change week by week, month by month kept me going. Going into clothing stores and walking away with jeans a size smaller than my last visit was the exact push I needed to not let all my hard work go down the drain.
Over the next few years, I would lose around 80 pounds. But, unlike many who lose a significant amount of weight, I was also able to tone up and eliminate a lot of loose skin. In addition to steady cardio 4-5 times per week, I was incorporating strength training alongside it that helped me to build muscle as well.
After reaching what I thought was a plateau, I knew I wanted to push myself even further. A friend suggested that I try my hand at fitness competitions and being the overachiever that I was, I was more than up for the challenge.
I put my body and mind through 12 intense weeks of training and dieting to get in the best shape ever. A few days before the competition, I learned that I had officially dropped 100 pounds total since the start of my journey. I felt unstoppable and went into the competition with the confidence of a winner. I came away with a 3rd place finish and couldn't have been happier, at least in that moment.
What I didn't understand was that a competition body wasn't something that was meant to be achieved for everyday life. Sure, I looked amazing and had rock hard abs. But the regimented food schedule, missing events with friends, taking all kinds of crazy supplements, and spending hours in the gym daily were an extremity.
After going on to do a second competition and bombing due to exhaustion, I decided that the stress that comes along with maintaining a competition-ready body was no longer for me.
That's when the battle started.
Once the strict dieting stopped, my body began to fill out a little. Sure, it may have only been 5 pounds at most and mostly water weight, but I would constantly compare myself to my "stage body". Even though I was nowhere near what I used to be, I was self-conscious to no end. In my mind, I was slowly turning back into who I was before I set out on my journey. So much so, that despite losing all the weight, I was afraid to wear certain clothing. I was embarrassed by my loose skin and my stretch marks started looking more visible than normal to me. All of this was playing with my mind, despite working my ass off to get in the best shape of my life.
For that reason in April 2014, I walked away from my last stage competition and I'm never going back.
I've decided to live life to the fullest these days by traveling and experiencing new things. This includes eating lots of new foods. My happiness isn't rooted in my weight, but in how much life I've lived. Since I've stopped competing, I've gained about 30 of the 100 pounds back and some days, it's mentally tough to accept. There's this closeted fear that people are looking at me like, "Dang she fell off." I get it, people's opinions shouldn't matter, but let's keep it one hundred. I'm human and social media is real.
While people tell me that I look great, it still doesn't feel right. I'm working out regularly and trying to eat decent, but it's hard to come to terms with the fact that I may never see that competition body that I once achieved.
It's an everyday battle to accept the body I see in the mirror now. I'm in no way saying I hate myself, but there's just a certain pressure that looms to get back to where I once was.
I'm still figuring it all out and what works for me in the lifestyle that I live today. It's almost like starting over, just with a different canvas. What worked then doesn't necessarily work now and that's ok. It's all a part of the process. I did it then and I'm sure I can do it again. I just have to practice the same patience I did the first go-around.
I'm finally learning to do this thing for me. Not for the approval of my peers, my mother, or anyone else for that matter and that's the most beautiful part of it all.
If you've experienced something similar, how did you overcome the battle?
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
