They approved me for three vacation days (not consecutive, sigh) and said that if I wanted the rest of the time off, I'd have to find someone else to cover my shifts. I worked in a hospital pharmacy on the night shift. Nobody ever wanted to work my hours. I hardly even want to work my hours. So, I took matters into my own 40-year-old hands and called in sick from Brazil. I'd earned paid vacation as part of my compensation package, so why did I always have to beg to use it?
This was a long-time problem for me that repeated itself over and over again with every job I'd had. I made IVs for hospital patients. Sure, my job was an important part of providing patient care. But I needed time off. And so do you.
Everybody needs time to rest from work and replenish their mental energy.
Courtesy of Stephanie Perry
It turns out that during my wonderful trip to Brazil, I met two millennials from San Diego who put me on to a new work philosophy. They worked jobs that were always hiring. So, they worked and saved up their money to travel long-term. And then they'd quit and travel to places where their money stretched further than it would at home. When they ran out of money, they went back home and got new jobs. I knew immediately that this was what my near future would look like. At least for a year or two.
I went home to Delaware and back to my hospital job -- short a few sick days -- with a new mission. I needed to save up enough money to travel around Southeast Asia for a year.
Fifteen months later, I was on a plane headed to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
I broke into a serious sweat the day I went in to give two weeks' notice at work. But I'd already paid for my flight, so there was no turning back. Once I took some deep breaths and told my supervisor September 15 would be my last day, it was smooth sailing.
Elephants in ThailandCourtesy of Stephanie Perry
For a year, I backpacked around SE Asia right alongside the 21-year-olds from the Netherlands who seem to be everywhere. I slept in dorm rooms in hostels and once volunteered on a cricket farm for free room and board. I had adventures that, at 41, I used to think were out of my reach. I bathed elephants in Thailand. I took a three-day motorbike tour in Vietnam. And I met people who showed me kindness and generosity like I'd never imagined.
The trip was both harder than I expected and more fulfilling. Sure, I got to check things off my bucket list. But I also learned how resilient and resourceful I can be.
And the sabbatical gave me time to dream.
Most days during that year, I set an alarm so I could drop what I was doing and watch the sunset. When I worked night shift, I often slept from sun up to sun down, especially in the wintertime. But that winter I was on a beach in the Philippines watching the sky put on a show like I couldn't believe.
A sunset in the PhilippinesCourtesy of Stephanie Perry
When we're always busy and always tired, our minds don't have a chance to play. We don't have the time to ask ourselves if we are who we want to be or set goals for our future that make our hands shake while we write them.
I quit my job just to see the world without someone else being in charge of whether or not I could go. But somewhere during the trip -- maybe while I was riding in a tuk-tuk in Cambodia on my way to see the Temples at Angkor Wat -- it became about more than travel.
I was free to BE anywhere and DO anything I wanted. And what I wanted was to keep it going.
I traveled from country to country until my money ran out -- exactly 52 weeks later. I went back home to Delaware and even got offered my old job back. But I knew that the next job I took wouldn't last long. I had to get back on the road. So, I took a different job for a few weeks while I set up my next adventure. I used that time to find better ways to stretch my newly earned money, and I found a few ways to support myself while I travel. And then I quit that job too.
I don't regret quitting two jobs to travel. And I don't regret taking time off of work to explore myself. And most importantly, I'm so glad I don't have to regret never taking the chance in the first place.
Featured image via Stephanie Perry/Instagram
Originally published on November 19, 2019
You won't always have the funds to take a trip on short notice, visit the spa weekly or pay someone to clean your home. We often sacrifice our time and energy to meet deadlines at work, take care of our loved ones, or work multiple jobs to make ends meet. Sometimes, we go through difficult experiences that test our resilience and strength.
While a soft life might seem like a pipe dream for some, it's important to remember that we all have different definitions of what a soft life looks like. For some people, simply being able to experience leisure and enjoy the simple pleasures in life is enough. For others, the soft life means a life of luxury.
No matter how you define a soft life before you can have one, you must work on your mindset and create habits that will help you maintain the lifestyle long-term. Here are a few ways you can do that:
1. Schedule "me time."
"Me time" is intentional time you spend nurturing yourself and restoring your energy so you're not running on empty. This is essential to sustaining your well-being, but it's one of the first things we'll sacrifice. Sometimes we'll notice that we have free time on our schedule and immediately think of how we can use that time to be productive. Someone will ask us to help them, and we'll say "yes" even though we want to spend that time doing something for ourselves. Think of "me time" as going on a date with yourself. Don't cancel your date! If you have to cancel, make sure you reschedule. Remember, "me time" isn't your free time.
2. Cultivate new beliefs about rest.
If you tie your self-worth to how productive you can be or grew up in an environment where you were called lazy for relaxing, you may feel guilty when you aren't busy. Rest shouldn't be the response or reward for overworking yourself. Making time for restshould be a staple part of your daily routine. If you find yourself overworked, even when unasked, try setting boundaries and limits with yourself. For example:
- No working past 6 p.m.
- No working on weekends and holidays.
- Take three breaks during the workday.
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3. If you don't have to struggle, don't.
Struggling doesn't always make the journey worthwhile or the destination meaningful. You don't have to struggle to have an empowering, "relatable," or inspirational story. We aren't all dealt the same cards, so if you currently have access to things that make it "easier" for you to accomplish something or achieve your goal, take it—don't feel guilty. Choose ease.
4. Let people help you.
This is a big one. If you have well-intended people in your circle of trust willing to help you, let them help. Some of us fear letting people help us because we don't want to be a burden, we fear coming off as incompetent, or we don't want people to throw us needing help back in our faces. Life is hard. Trying to figure everything out on your own is overwhelming. Find the courage to be vulnerable and accept help when it's being offered. If you have people in your life who make you feel like a burden or you're in one-sided relationships, it may be to re-evaluate whether you want to continue investing your energy with those people.
5. Speak to yourself kindly.
We spend a lot of time talking to ourselves. What does your inner voice sound like? Does the voice inside your head tend to be negative and critical? If it is, that's okay. Negative self-talk is something that starts in childhood. Statements like "you're so dumb," and "what would even possess you to do something so stupid" can get ingrained in our psyche. But we have the power to interrupt that voice and replace it with one that's compassionate and kind. If you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk often, try placing affirmations around your house and say them out loud when you see them. It may be uncomfortable at first, but over time you'll become used to associating yourself with positivity. Also, take time to examine where those negative thoughts came from and do the work to let them go.
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6. Stop trying to be humble.
I hate when people say, "I don't want to gas you up" or "don't let it get to your head." People always try to remind people not to get too full of themselves. Why? Humility means "not proud or haughty; not arrogant or assertive." It doesn't mean you don't take time to not compliment yourself and bask in all the great things about you. Tell yourself you did a good job today. Tell yourself you look good. That way, when people reiterate those thoughts to you, you're not shocked and it doesn't feel foreign to you.
7. Focus on what you can control.
Sometimes we worry about things we can't control, like other people, the future, and the past. We worry about things that might not even happen, ruminate, or how we wish things would have gone. We can't stop worrying, but we can try to interrupt these thought patterns and focus on calming methods.
8. Stop trying to be the hero.
It isn't your job to heal, fix and rescue everyone from themselves. Sometimes we play the role of rescuer in our friendships and romantic relationships because it gives us something to do. Sometimes we fall into that role to avoid facing what's most important, ourselves. We end up losing ourselves and straying further from our own healing and happiness attempting to save other people. Find the courage to focus on rescuing and keeping yourself.
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9. Prioritize joy.
Indulge in things that make you smile or make you feel genuinely happy. Dancing to your favorite song, watching an episode of your favorite show, reading your favorite book, or wearing your favorite shoes. Savor those fun and peaceful moments.
10. Accept that you are worthy and deserving.
You don’t need to do anything to deserve the soft life—it doesn’t have to be earned. When we believe we are worthy of a life guided by ease and comfort, we will reject things that don’t align with that vision and make decisions that get us closer to maintaining that lifestyle.
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And, though I have yet to plan a wedding myself I imagine even the smallest details become some of the gravest stressors. One little detail that many of us may not consider when planning a wedding or even dreaming of one is tradition. Because if nothing else, weddings are often steeped in tradition. I think these traditions, and whether or not to participate, can prove even more challenging to decide on if you and your betrothed aren’t a traditional pair or are on the more modern side of things. Being a modern gal, in a traditional world, can be frustrating. As a modern woman, I also find that the difficulty lies in really and truly not falling into the binary. I’m somewhere in the middle — I do enjoy the benefits of some gender roles and I do enjoy some tradition.
So what’s a girl to do? First, you can know more about each of these traditions before you jump through hoops when the goal is to simply jump the broom. While there are some people who enjoy full-out tradition regardless of how they came to be, I’m not judging either way. Pinky promise. But for those who fall somewhere in the middle, being informed may be the key to ruling some of them out.
1. Getting the Father's Approval and the Giving Away the Bride Tradition
Both of these practices are rooted in the same patriarchal concepts of possession over women. Historically speaking, single women were viewed as property and their fathers "owned" them until they were married to another man. Asking for a woman's hand in marriage was a tradition born out of the necessity of the father approving the marriage and ensuring that the man asking for her hand could provide a good future for the daughter. In other customs, asking for a father's approval was also a way of establishing some sort of arrangement, like a dowry in exchange for "ownership" of the daughter. Giving away the bride at a wedding ceremony was seen as the person, usually, the father, walking the bride down the aisle and "giving her away" to the groom at the end was a form of blessing the unity.
While it can be a sweet gesture to ask for permission to marry your betrothed from their father or for a father to "give" the bride away at ceremonies, it’s not entirely necessary. Both practices have evolved with the times, offering some creative freedom for ways to include important family members during the ceremony. For example, some brides opt to have their mother or even both parents walk them down the aisle as an honorable gesture for what they mean to them in their lives.
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2. The Tradition of the Bride Wearing White
Wearing white as a bride has been a tradition in Western culture that has spanned hundreds of years. And why do brides wear white? If you guessed that it's because wearing white is derived from purity culture, you were right. Traditionally, white was symbolic of virtue and purity and represented a woman's chastity upon walking down the aisle and meeting her betrothed. Again, the white dress is beautiful and I wouldn’t necessarily mind keeping this particular tradition for my own vain reasoning. However, if you don't want to wear white because of what it represents or because you want to veer away from tradition, wear whatever makes you feel your best.
3. The Bridal Bouquet Tradition
This is going to blow your mind! But, you can do without your bouquets. Really both you and the squad. The purpose of a bouquet traditionally is that of a deodorizer for your B.O. The bridal bouquet came to be to mask the smell of body odor, obviously well before we had deodorant in the 20th century. This tradition is beautiful and does add a certain touch to weddings, but also floral arrangements are typically very pricey. Even the most bougie of deodorants is cheaper than bouquets, which run you anywhere from $80 - $200, according to Brides. Alternatively, if you don’t want to forgo floral arrangements on your big day completely, you might opt for artificial flowers, feathers, or something else in the form of your bridal bouquet.
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4. The Tradition of the Bride's Family Paying for the Wedding
Much like the first two points on this list, this tradition is predicated on women being the property of men. First, their fathers and then their husbands. Women were seen as chattel to trade, and because the most beneficial marriage arrangements were made if and when the bride’s family was able to pay a suitable dowry to the husband-to-be (and his family). This is what I mean when I say marital arrangements were more often about financial gain for the parties directly involved and not love until relatively recently. This differs from now where the financial gain is also commercial – fancy rings, extravagant venues, etc.
5. The Wearing a Veil Tradition
Wearing a veil is yet another sexist and really odd, insignificant way of signifying a virginal or pure woman. Interestingly enough, an expert at Brides’ indicates that this is one of the first and oldest “bridal ensembles.” Wearing a white veil in combination with the white gown was the visual embodiment of delivering a bride to her groom as a "modest and untouched maiden." For the woo-woo girls, you might be interested in the fact that it was also thought to keep evil spirits at bay – particularly from attempting to rain on the bride’s parade.
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6. Having a Wedding Party
The point of having people at your wedding was simply the need for witnesses. Back in the day, multiple witnesses (specifically 10 at minimum) were required for a wedding. Over time, this requirement evolved into a more fun, celebratory committee of peers known as the wedding party – made of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Though this is not the most costly arrangement since the parties typically pay for their own dresses – you are paying for flowers and even going through the motions of dealing with other people which can add to the intense planning process.
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Getting to and around New Orleans
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Getting to New Orleans is easily accessible as most major domestic airlines fly into Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport (MSY), which is located about 15 miles outside of New Orleans. Once in the city, you have several options on how to get around and keep the good times rolling. If you stay in the French Quarter or on Bourbon Street, it is relatively easy to get around on foot, even during major events like ESSENCE Fest. The Mercedes-Benz Superdome is a 6-10-minute drive or 20-30-minute walk from either location.
Renting a car is also an option for getting around in New Orleans. If you plan to stay outside Downtown, renting a car may be the best option. However, parking can be a disaster Downtown or near Bourbon Street. There are parking decks and street parking available, but be extremely cautious of parking restrictions, as they are heavily enforced and you don’t want to find your car booted or towed. You can expect to pay anywhere from $25-$40 per day for parking in New Orleans. Use the app SpotHero, to find available parking garages, and sometimes you can even reserve in advance.
Another scenic option for getting around New Orleans is their streetcar system. The system has four lines that run along or intersect with, the French Quarter, Canal Street, and the Business District. Be sure to have exact change or you can purchase a Jazzy Pass for around $1.25 that can also be used on buses. You will also find ride-share services like Uber and Lyft in New Orleans.
What to do in New Orleans
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You will be spoilt for choice when it comes to places to eat, things to do, and places to see in New Orleans. While Mardi Gras and Bourbon Street may be synonymous with New Orleans, there is more to the Crescent City than multi-colored beads and “Hand Grenades.” New Orleans is a melting pot of cultural influences, which makes this dynamic city incredibly unique, downright delicious, and outrageously fun to explore. Music is the heartbeat of New Orleans. After all, jazz originated in this city. Explore the Tremé Historic District, the very first African American neighborhood in the United States, which is also home to Congo Square, the birthplace of Jazz, and Armstrong Park - aptly named after jazz legend and trumpeter, Louis Armstrong.
This can all be done with a one-stop-shop tour with the Black Heritage & Jazz Tour where you not only explore the music scenes, old and new, of New Orleans, but you also learn insights about Voodoo, Creole architecture, The Freedom Fighters, and unfiltered stories about slavery. Speaking of slavery, learn more about its harrowing history at Whitney Plantation. Unlike some other tours, this tour is curated to highlight the enslaved people who lived there. There’s no skirting around the truth or sugar-coating; this tour gives it to you real and raw.
If you want to satiate the epicurean in you, check out the No Secrets Food & Cocktail tour, or a range of other tours including the LGBTQ History Tour, as New Orleans is home to one of the first gay neighborhoods and first gay bars in the United States, the Ghosts of the French Quarter Tour, if you’re feeling brave enough, or you can personalize your own private tour. For art lovers, a visit to Studio Be is a must when visiting New Orleans. Local artist, Brandon Odums (aka BMike) takes you on a soul-stirring journey, in a 35,000 sq ft warehouse, with works of art depicting the stories of Black revolutionaries, leaders, and icons, Black culture in New Orleans, and his iconic larger-than-life murals and installations.
There is plenty to explore in New Orleans, but take a moment and get lost in the pages of mystery and history at Baldwin & Co. or Community Book Center, two Black-owned bookstores in New Orleans. And, while Magazine Street has nothing to do with flipping through pages, it has everything to do with shops, eateries, art galleries, and museums that beckon to be explored. Head over to Frenchmen Street for all the live music action. Frenchmen Street gives you those Bourbon Street vibes, with fewer crowds, more authenticity, and a little more coziness. There are over 20 bars, venues, and restaurants within a two-block stretch on this street.
Where to eat in New Orleans
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From pralines to Po-boys, beignets to seafood boils, New Orleans is easily one of the top food capitals in the U.S., and the iconic food scene here will take you on one epic gastronomic journey. Kickstart your morning at Café Beignet with pillowy beignets peppered with powdered sugar and complemented by a delicious cup of café au lait (coffee with milk). Café Beignet is a delicious, less crowded, alternative to Café du Monde and many argue their beignets are better. You be the judge. If you are looking for something with a little more sustenance to fuel your day, try Surrey’s crab meat omelet or shrimp and grits, or Katie’s grits and grillades.
For a brunch served with a side of swimming and a dab of drag, The Country Club is your place. They have a pool you can take a dip in and they also host drag show brunches every Saturday and Sunday, but you must make reservations, which are sometimes booked months in advance.
When in the Big Easy seafood is a must and trust, you won’t find a shortage of it! Check out Drago’s Seafood Restaurant or Felix Restaurant & Oyster Bar for some of New Orleans’ best-chargrilled oysters. If your palette prefers a little down-home, Southern soul food, Neyow’s Creole Cafe and Cochon deliver. Classic creole food is on the menu at Café Sbisa. Not only that, being established in 1899 makes Café Sbisa the third oldest fine-dining establishment in the French Quarter, and as an added bonus, it’s Black-owned.
On the other hand, sometimes you’re just in the mood for a mouthwatering, juicy burger and Port of Call yields the title bestowed by Tripadvisor diners as the #1 spot for the best burgers in New Orleans. To satisfy your sweet tooth, indulge in delicious pralines, New Orleans’ signature sweet, from Bernard’s Pralines or Loretta’s.
Where to stay in New Orleans
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Stay in the heart of the French Quarter at Hotel Monteleone, a luxury New Orleans Hotel. This location is super convenient to get around and has everything at your doorstep and within walking distance. Want to stay on the world-famous Bourbon Street? Hyatt Centric and Royal Sonesta are excellent choices. Hyatt Centric offers a chic and contemporary vibe juxtaposed to the age-old structures surrounding the building. Royal Sonesta boasts timeless elegance and is the perfect rest sanctuary after a long day of adventuring in the city. With exposed brick, a rotating art gallery, eclectic flair, and a location just three blocks from Bourbon Street, The Old No. 77 Hotel is one of New Orleans’ trendiest hotels.
The Chloe Hotel, with 14 sophisticated rooms, is an excellent choice if you are looking for more of a boutique feel, dripped in Southern charm and character. The Chloe is about three miles from Bourbon street, so you’re close enough to the action but far enough away when you’re looking for an escape from the busyness. Travelers looking to support Black-owned businesses in New Orleans can stay at NOPSI Hotel. NOPSI is an iconic building built in the Roaring 20s and later converted into a luxurious hotel with a rooftop pool and stunning skyline views. NOPSI is just three blocks away from the vibrancy of the French Quarter.
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