Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Something that I get from my (late) father is a deep adoration for information, no matter how “random” it might be. And so, since I spend A LOT of my time writing about sex and relationships (not necessarily in the order), it’s always fun to discover what science has to say about intimacy. For instance, something that I’ve mentioned in sex-themed articles before is that our sense of smell plays a bigger role in sexual arousal and pleasure than it’s typically given credit for.
Not only does science reveal that the keener your sense of smell is, the easier it is for you to climax, but it also states that around ovulation, you’re more drawn to the natural scent of a man. Not to mention the fact that research also reveals that when a man takes in the scent of a woman’s (healthy) genitalia, his testosterone levels naturally increase.
And this is why I oftentimes say that one of the best things about sex is it’s an activity that thoroughly incorporates all five senses: taste, touch, sight, hearing, and yes, smell. And that is why I wanted to share 10 scents that are proven to make it easier for you to not just get into the mood for sex but orgasm once you’re in the process of participating in it.
Back in the day, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last.” The first one that made the list was vanilla, and, as you can see, it’s on this one too (carpolobia and jasmine were featured as well). Am I being redundant? Eh. Perhaps a little. However, it should go on record that an aphrodisiac is something that is designed to arouse you — and while that definitely can make it easier to orgasm (and have a more pleasurable sexual experience all around), today, we’re looking into scents that can make it easier to climax, specifically. Because, as I’m sure we all know, you can be aroused all day long, and you can even enjoy copulation with someone…that doesn’t automatically mean you’re gonna see any mountaintops, though.
Okay, so vanilla. It’s funny because, as I was reading a recent review for Tom Ford’s Vanilla Sex perfume, I thought about how so many people tend to think that vanilla sex is ho-hum when the scent of vanilla is anything but. One reason is that the sweetness of vanilla not only helps to reduce anxiety, but if your partner struggles with moments of impotence or erectile dysfunction (ED) or simply lasting long enough to get you what you need to orgasm, vanilla has the ability to address all of these issues too. Awesome.
Speaking of sex-related issues some men may have, if yours is dealing with infertility, the African plant carpolobia is one that might be of assistance for him. Speaking of your man, whether he decides to chew on this plant (in stick form, like a licorice stick) or apply it as an oil (whether it’s on your body or his own), carpolobia can also improve his sexual performance and even increase his stamina. And since it can take (on average) twice the amount of time for women to orgasm as it does men, well — I’m pretty sure why you get why I just had to add this scent to the list.
Even though a lot of people like patchouli because of the way it smells, don’t sleep on the fact that it’s great for your skin. Between its antifungal and anti-inflammatory properties, it’s good for you if you’re looking for an all-natural way to treat acne, dermatitis, and dandruff. Patchouli’s also bomb if you want to relieve depression, suppress your appetite, speed up the healing process of a cold, or even soothe an upset stomach.
On the climaxing tip, patchouli is another oil that will reduce anxiety (there are plenty of studies that link anxiety and stress to inhibited orgasms). Plus, it can help to sharpen your concentration, and since you also need to be focused (on the moment) in order to climax, that makes it highly beneficial to sexual fulfillment, wouldn’t you say?
As a spice, saffron contains anti-inflammatory properties and antioxidants that can do everything from improve your heart health and vision to reduce depression-related symptoms and make it easier to fall and stay asleep at night. Some other cool things about saffron are it contains cancer-fighting properties, helps to reduce blood sugar levels, and it can make PMS symptoms more bearable as well.
Orgasm-wise, if you add the spice to milk (or your favorite milk alternative), it can intensify your orgasms (check out “Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream”). Scent-wise, you can use this in the form of an essential oil; its spicy smell will help to reduce sexual dysfunction in both men and women. And since one thing that qualifies as “sexual dysfunction” is the inability to orgasm — welp, there you have it.
When it comes to the topic of essential oils and aphrodisiacs, I’d be shocked if you ever came across an article that didn’t mention jasmine. It’s fragrant. It’s seductive. And it’s the kind of scent that women really like to wear, and men really like to smell. Aside from that, if you’re looking for the kind of oil that will improve your moods, lower your stress levels, boost immunity, fight off infections, or even bring relief to PMS and menopause symptoms, it’s jasmine to the rescue.
Since jasmine can also cause your system to mimic many of the actions that come with having an orgasm (including increasing your heart rate and body temperature), that’s why it’s a top-tier essential oil and scent as far as climaxing goes.
Ginseng is an herb that you can also wear as a scent (like infusing it with your favorite carrier oil or simply purchasing it as an essential oil). In the health benefits department, it helps to lower blood sugar levels, gives you more energy, boosts cognitive function, and decreases bodily inflammation. Also, if flu season always seems to get a hold of you, there are studies to support that ginseng can make getting over the flu faster and easier.
When it comes to orgasms (red), ginseng has been associated with treating erectile dysfunction (ED). Another cool thing about ginseng is if you’re a woman who has a hard time getting off due to menopause, ginseng can help to bring your sexual arousal back. Yay!
The fruity-floral smell of ylang-ylang has all sorts of antibacterial, antifungal, and anti-inflammatory properties. These can help to bring relief to chronic body aches and pains; plus, they can help to treat a variety of fungal and bacterial infections.
Sexually, something that makes ylang-ylang stand out is the fact that it not only has the ability to reduce the feelings that are associated with anxiety, but it also can improve your self-esteem. This is both awesome and quite relevant, considering the fact that there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that the higher your sense of self-worth is, the easier it is for you to enjoy sex — and climax, too.
What doesn’t lavender do? Lawd. I mean, if you’ve got eczema or acne, use lavender. Got trouble falling asleep? Use lavender. Seeking some all-natural asthma relief? Use lavender. Wish your hair was stronger or longer? Use lavender. Perimenopause or menopause-related hot flashes getting on your very last damn nerve? Yep — you guessed it: lavender.
Wanna climb the walls tonight? Try some lavender. The reason why it can help you to get off is because it has a way of reducing stress while increasing sexual desire at the same time. And since stress has been proven to keep women so distracted that it can literally prevent an orgasm from transpiring — the less stressed you are in the bedroom, the absolute better.
Citrus oil is wonderful on a myriad of levels. For instance, lemon oil is great for treating morning sickness and depression-related symptoms, improving the quality of your skin, reducing pain, and treating yeast infections naturally. Orange oil can help to improve the quality of your workouts, help you to lose weight, and put you into a better mood.
If you’re postmenopausal, the aromatherapy of citrus oil can help you to “get your groove back.” And since lemon and lime juices can help men out in the ED department, some believe that the scent can be just as effective.
People who enjoy earthy pine-like scents will oftentimes choose a type of perfume that contains the fungus oakmoss in it, whether they realize it or not. When it comes to its health benefits, this is a type of scent that experts are still discovering new things about, although many say that it has potent antimicrobial, antioxidant, and anticancer properties and that it can help to do things like break up congestion, soothe a cough and make it easier to breathe if you are dealing with a cold. Some also say that it can bring forth relief to digestive issues and it can even help to calm your nervous system.
As I bring this to a close, oakmoss is worth at least trying out in the bedroom because it’s starting to gain some respectable popularity when it comes to being able to increase arousal, particularly in women. So, if you want to bring something unexpected into your boudoir tonight, oakmoss should go on the very top of your list.
There you have it. Ten scents that not only smell alluring; they can get you that orgasm that you both desire and deserve more often, too.
Whew. Essential oil shopping, anyone?
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Uh-huh. I already know that some of y’all read the title and then circled back and read it again because you probably thought that a word (or two) was missing or something. Nope. Believe it or not, there are plenty of links out in cyberspace that tackle the topic of why nice guys seem to finish last, and some women really do revel in men being miserable.
And honestly, y’all, sometimes I have to give Instagram and TikTok a break because, real talk, there is also a lot of content out on the World Wide Web that basically cosigns on the same points, too (now how sad is that?).
Okay, but why is that, though? What in the world is wrong with a man who is out here enjoying his best life, and why do a lot of ladies, at the very least, think that nice guys are (yawn, yawn) boring? Hmph. I’ve got my own theories — believe that. And so, let’s get into what research reveals, what a few of my thoughts are and then please, hop into the comments to offer up your insights too.
As far as the title goes, let’s tackle the happiness thing first.
(Some) Women Don’t Like Happy Men. Now, Why Is That?
To tell you the truth, before even getting into this, I can vouch for it being accurate because some people are so entitled and self-involved that, so long as their own needs are getting met, they don’t care if the other individual is suffering or not; I have watched enough interviews, read enough articles and worked with enough couples to know this is indeed the case. Yet according to a particular study, the reason why a lot of women are “into” unhappy men is actually a bit more, let’s go with the word “shallow,” than that.
You see, reportedly, while men find women who smile to seem more submissive and vulnerable, women think that men who aren’t smiling come off as having a stronger sense of pride, which could mean that they are more masculine or competent. Strangely enough, women who participated in this same study also thought men who looked ashamed (yep, ashamed; probably because that plays into the whole bad boy image thing) to be more appealing, too.
Let’s unpack this, shall we?
As far as men finding women with happy faces to be more inviting, I guess that explains (even if it’s subconsciously) the whole “random men telling us to smile” thing, huh? For the record, whenever guys ask me why some of us don’t respond to that very well, I’ve shared that my opinion is, whether Black men realize it or not, telling us to smile can feed into the “angry Black woman” stereotype — because just because we’re not smiling, that doesn’t mean that something is wrong.
And so, a stranger telling us to do something can be off-putting because…we don’t know you. Simply saying “hello” or asking us how we are will typically garner a more positive result. But hey, that’s just my opinion. *Elmo shrug*
Anyway, as far as women thinking that a man who doesn't smile is more of a masculine one — I mean, when I look at pictures of men who are not smiling, oftentimes it does convey a message of sexiness that can be hella appealing. At the same time, though, a man who smiles comes off as hella sweet and super endearing…so, I guess it’s all about what you’d prefer in a man, right (by the way, why can’t it be both)?
Now, I will say that if you prefer a man who comes off as melancholy or you think that a guy who is animated or excited a lot is “sassy” (does everyone get that sassy means bold and disrespectful, not effeminate?), you might want to do some self-reflecting on that — because that has more to do with you than him, sis.
The reason why I say that is because, well, it’s like an article that I once read that said a lot of people would choose unhappiness over uncertainty and that’s rooted in remaining in the energy that is familiar instead of trying something new. So…on the relationship tip, if you find yourself in patterns with men where neither one of you is very happy and/or there are low-grade levels of drama a lot of the time, you might want to ponder that 'unhappy over uncertainty' thing.
Oh, and if you’re someone who doesn’t so much prefer unhappy men, it’s just that you don’t care if they’re unhappy or not so long as you’re good — that’s called being selfish, and you’d be better off single than anything until you can get that together. A healthy relationship includes reciprocity of needs and wants being met. If one of you is lacking in that department, a dysfunctional dynamic is what you’re a part of. And even if it’s not immediately, eventually, both of you are gonna end up unhappy because of it.
(Some) Women Ain’t into Nice Guys. Is That a Fact or a Myth?
Nice guys finish last. Again, we’ve all heard the saying before. I’ve even written on the topic before, coming to my own conclusion that while they might finish last, they also tend to finish best. However, it wasn’t until I did some Scriptural deep diving that I realized that you’d be hard-pressed to find the word “nice” in any translation of the Bible except for The Message. However, what you will find is the word “kind” — take “love is kind” (I Corinthians 13:4). Now put a pin in that for a moment.
So, the research on women not liking nice guys. One study revealed that while men find nice women to be attractive, women? Eh, not so much. The article said that women find nice men to be a bit of a “womp-womp” and less sexually appealing. The conclusion drawn was that guys (mostly strangers) who were responsive oftentimes came off as either potentially manipulative or too eager to please. Some women also found them to be less dominant.
Another article I checked out said that women found men who drink and smoke to be more attractive than men who didn’t, especially when it came to short-term and/or casual sex situations. The same article said that the entitlement and self-importance of narcissistic people tend to turn folks on (chile) — at least initially.
Yet another article featured a psychologist who said that many women like the “un-nice guys” because they enjoy how unpredictable they can be.
And then there was a study that I personally found to be interesting: a lot of women, once they are ready to settle down, prefer a nice guy; however, while they are dating, they find nice guys to not be as sexually appealing.
Know what I got out of all of this? Women like the adrenaline rush of men who don’t fall into the “nice guy” category when it comes to dating, sex, and anything that has an expiration date. Oh, but when it comes time to settle down, and they are looking for dependability and stability, oftentimes, it’s exactly the nice guys they are after.
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Hmph. No wonder many men are so sensitive about being “friend-zoned” and I get exactly why. Sounds to me like a lot of women use nice guys (more than actually love them), and that’s not cool. Know what else it sounds like? Like a lot of women aren’t very nice to themselves if they think that a nice guy isn’t an awesome person out the gate — and I’m kinda-sorta preaching to the choir when I say that because, while there is indeed something mysterious and alluring about men who aren’t very…agreeable, they can also take a lot out of you in the long run and not in a good way.
Because how can you build anything of value that will see the distance if the person you’re involved with isn’t very nice — or better yet, KIND.
- Kind people are attentive.
- Kind people are honest.
- Kind people listen well.
- Kind people tend to be generous.
- Kind people act responsibly.
- Kind people hold themselves accountable.
- Kind people are respectful.
- Kind people are reliable.
- Kind people are open about their feelings.
- Kind people care about others’ feelings.
If you read all of that and the first thing that comes to your mind is, “I get that, but they’re not the most fun, spontaneous, or sexually satisfying as the other guys” — eh, that’s not really true. It’s just that media, bad friends (or good friends who give bad advice), and whatever “programming” we’ve had from the former sex partners we’ve experienced has us believing that crap. Yet the reality is that you don’t need a non-committal ass in order to orgasm.
In fact, kind men are gonna care about you “pre-sex,” “during sex” and — get this — after sex. Days and weeks after sex. Not only that, but they’re gonna have sex WITH you, not just AT you — meaning, a lot of men get off on you getting off for their ego not so much your satisfaction. That’s why they don’t stick around very long. Their interest leaves with their ejaculate. That might be an “ouch” yet it’s true.
Besides, I promise you that, just like the happier you are within yourself, the more you will want to be with a happy individual, the kinder you are to yourself, the more you will want to be with a kind man. Not after you’ve been torn to shreds (emotionally) by men who weren’t nice or kind — right now. In the present moment.
It’s not shocking that a lot of women aren’t thrilled at the thought of a happy man or a nice guy. “Alarming” is the word that I would choose because, again, in order to have a healthy, happy, and thriving relationship, you are going to need to be happy within yourself and nice to yourself, and so is the man who you’re involved with.
If that doesn’t sound very appealing to you — well, a hoodie that I once saw (that I turned into a T-shirt because I totally dug the message — immediately comes to mind: “What you need isn’t love…it’s therapy” because two things that love consist of is internal happiness between two people and niceness and kindness towards each other. Full stop.
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Y’all, I won’t lie — sometimes I will see a Black woman with a texturized TWA (teeny weeny afro), and I will have to talk myself out of pulling out my clippers and going back to the days when I had one. Not only was that look super cute on me (if I do say so myself), but because I have cut my own hair, shoot, most of my adult life, it’s a look that is also really easy to manage. So, why don’t I just do it? Because this journey of learning about my hair via growing it out has been a metaphor for me on so many different levels.
Now, I must admit that the “downside” to knowing how to use shears is I don’t have nearly as many inches as I would’ve if I had more self-control when it comes to turning trims into cuts. However, for the past several months, there has been a different level of progress thanks to 1) taking an iron and biotin supplement); 2) being way gentler with my ends, and 3) adding bond builders to my wash days.
And that last one? When I tell you that it has been a complete game-changer for my hair in just about every single way that I can think of? That’s why I had to pen a piece on it: to help some of y’all out if gaining more inches is a personal goal for you in 2024. Because if one thing has gotten me closer to my own wishes for my hair, bond building, one thousand times over, is it?
Why Bond Builders for Hair Are a Haircare Game-Changer
What Exactly Are Bond Builders, Anyway?
I oftentimes compare hair to silk. The reason why is because, while on one hand, it’s hella strong (it is literally comparable to steel), at the same time, when it’s not provided the things that it needs, it can be extremely fragile, too. On the fragility tip, for instance, because I am borderline anemic and my periods can be a real trip on the blood loss tip during the first couple of days, I used to underestimate the need for an iron supplement.
As far as how iron affects my hair, without it, I can shed more than the standard 50-100 strands a day. Hair follicles? Did you know that there is such a thing as hygral fatigue? It’s when we end up damaging our hair follicles by applying too much moisture to them. And our tresses’ cuticles? Between heat, styling, hair dye, relaxers, and not giving our hair enough hydration, that can lead to breakage, split ends, and other drama that, unfortunately, is oftentimes irreversible — which means we have to cut our hair because there’s not much else that can be done. *le sigh*
And y’all, that last part is where bond building comes in.
Basically, bond builders are hair products that are loaded with structural proteins that help to both repair as well as strengthen the bonds that are within the hair fibers of your hair cuticles. What’s really cool about them is, unlike a lot of the hair products that claim to do stuff like fix split ends (there’s no such thing, for the record), bond builders actually penetrate your hair cuticles in order to restore some of what’s been lost deep within your hair strands.
As a direct result, your hair ends up becoming stronger (even after the first use), so that it’s less brittle, fragile, and prone to breakage.
Although it’s a bit of a complex process, probably the easiest and quickest way to explain how bond builders actually work is they strengthen your hair by “breathing new life” into the three bonds that make up your hair: the ionic, covalent, and hydrogen ones. The healthier those bonds are, the healthier your hair will be. Cool, right?
How To Know if Your Hair Needs Bond Builders
Okay, so you might be curious about who ultimately benefits most from bond-building products. Although honestly, everyone probably could on some level, many hair experts recommend bond builders to individuals who chemically treat their hair (including dyes) and those who use heat on a regular basis. Although I personally don’t fall into either category, the reason why I still apply bond builders on my wash days is because my hair is high porosity.
This means that my cuticles are lifted, which makes it easier for my hair to absorb moisture (good) and also makes it more vulnerable to losing moisture just as quickly, which makes it easier for my hair to get damaged quicker (not good). By applying a bond builder to my locks, my cuticles are smoother, which reduces frizz and makes my hair easier to manage while also keeping moisture in my hair for longer. I’m telling you, if someone wanted me to do a free commercial for bond building, I totally would! Few things have benefitted my hair so extremely as bond builders in a very long time.
Repair Bond + Resculplex Repair & Protect Leave-In Treatment
As far as the brand that I use, I’m a fan of Marc Anthony’s line. I started out with his Repair & Protect Leave-In Treatment and have added a couple of other products along the way. When I tell you that my hair IMMEDIATELY feels softer and stronger after spraying it with his conditioner and that it remains that way for days on end? I’m telling you, bond builders have totally changed my life as far as the quality of my hair goes.
Now, because I’m still relatively new to the whole bond building, I can’t offer much insight on other bond-building products. What I do know is bond building is gaining in popularity, so new ones seem to be popping up on a daily basis. So, if you want to read up on some other ones, Real Simple featured a few in an article that they published on bond builders close to around this time last year. You can look into it here.
What To Know About Bond Builders Before Adding It to Your Routine
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If more and more, bond builders are something that you think you’d like to try, just to make sure that I offer up as much information as possible, I want to leave you with three things to keep in mind.
1. There are three main things that bond builders will offer your hair. If you’re still trying to figure out if bond builders are a personal necessity, just remember that it’s great for 1) reducing breakage, 2) retaining moisture, and 3) bringing healing to overprocessed hair. That said, if none of these things is much of a struggle for you, bond-building products are likely to be unnecessary.
2. Not all bond-building products are created equal. When it comes to what I use, I think I was lucky because I know other people who had to go through quite a bit of trial and error before finding a bond builder that was ideal for them. And because some are (way) more expensive than others and/or they can have a sticky residue or odd smell, just be prepared to do some (not the cheapest) experimenting before committing to a particular product.
3. Bond building comes in different forms. There are bond-building shampoos, bond-building conditioners, bond-building masks, and bond-building serums. What I use is a mask and leave-in conditioner because, even when it comes to bond builders, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, especially since they are full of protein (and too much protein can also dry out your hair and lead to breakage). So, as you’re figuring out which route you want to take, try to avoid overkill.
There you have it. A roaring endorsement of something that can help you retain length by keeping your hair strong from root to tip. Literally. Keep me posted (via the comments) on how bond building ends up working out for you.
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I’ve said in other articles where I unpack the benefits that come with different kinds of herbal tea that I’m a huge fan of this type of beverage. If you’re not, I’m hoping that this article may convince you to become one because the reality is that tea comes with all kinds of proven health benefits. The reason is that whatever properties are in the herbs that you choose to make your tea from, that is going directly into your system — and since a little bit of raw honey or a teaspoon of brown sugar can make the experience that much sweeter…why not take advantage of all of the things that tea has to offer.
Take today, for example. Were you even aware of the fact that there are certain types of tea that will help to slow down the aging process so that you can extend the shelf life of your skin and your system altogether? Hey, it might sound too good to be true on the surface, but if you’ll give me just a few moments of your time, I’m pretty sure that I can convince you to indulge in at least one cup of tea this week. Ready?
1. Black Tea
Did you know that black, white, green, and oolong teas are all related? Yep, they come from the leaves of the camellia sinensis plant. What makes them different is how they are processed. What makes black tea unique is the cells inside of it have been exposed to oxygen for an extended period of time. As far as health benefits go, black tea contains flavonoids that help to strengthen your heart, lower your blood sugar levels, and increase longevity. If you happen to have high cholesterol or a history of strokes in your family, black tea can reduce those issues too.
And what about aging? Some studies say that the flavonoids and polyphenols in black tea provide an “anti-wrinkle effect” when it comes to your skin. Plus, it can help to keep your gut in great shape which, indirectly, can help you to age more gracefully as well.
2. Jasmine Tea
Jasmine tea comes from the jasmine plant. It’s filled with antioxidants and is able to do everything from improve your brain function and reduce oral decay to help you lose weight and keep certain types of cancer cells from multiplying. Another cool thing about jasmine tea is, if you’re looking for a bit of a pick-me-up during the day, it can help to improve your mood.
Jasmine tea can also help to slow down the aging process because it contains something known as sesquiterpenoids; they have anti-aging properties as it relates to your brain, heart, and skin. Plus, jasmine tea has the compound EGCG in it, which helps to reduce stress levels, and since stress actually accelerates the aging process — well, anything that you can do to keep your stress levels down, the better off you and your system will ultimately be.
3. Elderberry Tea
Another type of tea that is packed with antioxidants is elderberry tea. Since it also contains properties that help to decrease oxidative stress, reduce inflammation, keep UV rays at bay, and keep your heart healthy — it automatically qualifies as an anti-aging type of drink. Some studies also indicate that elderberry tea can fight obesity, and since that’s just one more thing that is directly related to speeding up the aging process, being intentional about keeping your weight in a healthy place is always a wise move.
4. Hibiscus Tea
The hibiscus plant creates a vibrant color that looks a lot like cranberry juice. The antioxidants in it will help to fight inflammation, lower your blood pressure and cholesterol levels, fight off bacteria, and detox your liver. This is also another tea that can help you manage your weight as well as your blood fat levels so that you are able to decrease your chances of ending up with heart disease later down the pike.
Since hibiscus tea is full of beta-carotene, a pigment that can inhibit the aging process of your tissues and organs — it’s definitely the kind of tea that will help you age beautifully…both inside and out.
5. Oolong Tea
A traditional Chinese tea is oolong tea. It’s a great tea for diabetics. It’s a tea that keeps your brain and heart in good condition. It’s a tea that brings relief to eczema. The plant compounds in the tea can also help to reduce bodily inflammation and reduce depression-related symptoms. And since it does have caffeine in it, if you’re looking for a “midday spike” that features more benefits than coffee, oolong has you covered there, too.
Word on the street is that the antioxidants in oolong tea can brighten the skin, reduce fine lines, and even decrease the appearance of age spots — all good to know if you’re on a mission to keep a youthful glow to your skin for as long as you possibly can.
6. Clove Tea
Listen, if you ever find yourself with a toothache from the pits of hell, put some clove oil on it. I don’t know anything that numbs the pain as quickly as it will! A part of the reason is that cloves have the ability to powerfully disinfect the bacteria that lead to tooth decay in the first place. Aside from that, cloves can also help to clear up congestion, soothe a sore throat, decrease skin irritation, regulate blood sugar levels, and improve the health of your liver.
When it comes to aging gracefully, cloves also have antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties that make it more difficult for aging signs to creep into your skin as well as your organs.
7. Ginseng Tea
There are some pretty powerful antioxidants in the herb known as ginseng. What they do is help to boost cognitive function, reduce inflammation, fight fatigue, and increase energy levels and it can even help to naturally treat erectile dysfunction in some men. As a bonus, if the flu season seems to come for you each and every year, ginseng tea has been known to shorten the lifespan of the flu, too.
Oh, and if you want your “black not to crack” for as long as possible, ginseng can also help in that department. That’s because it is able to reduce oxidative stress and boost the production of collagen — at the same time. Dope.
8. Rooibos Tea
A tea that derives from South Africa, rooibos tea is a caffeine-free tea that contains properties that help to fight off free radicals, has antioxidants that are good for individuals with type 2 diabetes, and it’s able to lower your risk of cancer. Another dope thing about rooibos tea is it has the ability to raise your leptin levels. That’s a hormone that helps to monitor your food intake, which means that this tea is beneficial if you’re trying to shed a few pounds.
When it comes to aging gracefully, rooibos tea makes the cut because, especially if you use it as a topical skin rinse, it has properties in it that can help to fade the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles over time, when used consistently (a couple of times a week for a few months).
9. Goji Berry Tea
Goji berry tea is a tea that’s made from steeping little red goji berries. A particular antioxidant that it has in it is zeaxanthin; it’s great at keeping your vision strong, fighting off free radicals, and reducing oxidative stress. Goji berry tea is also top-tier because it boosts immunity, fights off cancer cells, and stabilizes your blood sugar levels.
This tea makes this particular list because of two other age-related things. First, it has properties in it that help prevent sun damage and fine lines and wrinkles. Second, did you know that sleep deprivation is directly associated with accelerated biological aging? That said, goji berry tea can actually help you to fall and stay asleep at night — the more rested you are, the better you will look and feel.
10. Green Tea
And finally, there are almost countless reasons why you should add green tea to your overall healthcare regimen. The antioxidants in it help to prevent cellular damage. It helps to burn fat. It can boost your brain power. It helps to fight tooth decay. It even increases longevity — and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!
The reason why I’m rounding this article out with green tea is that, as far as aging goes, not only are there studies that cite green tea can help to keep your brain from aging, but it also contains properties that can repair damaged skin tissue; this means that your skin can look fresh and radiant for longer by consuming green tea. In fact, beauty-wise, green tea is so supreme that I wrote an article on several ways that you can use it for that purpose. Check out “You'll Totally Fall In Love With These Green Tea Beauty Hacks” when you get a chance.
You know, Eartha Kitt once said, “Aging has a wonderful beauty, and we should have respect for that” — and I totally agree. So, I hope you get that the takeaway here isn’t to run from aging; after all, if you’re blessed, it is inevitable. My point is to apply these teas to your diet so that you can age, both inside and out, in the best ways possible.
Drink up and enjoy!
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Charge it to the fact that I am such a fan of music, but whenever I’m out shopping, I tend to pay attention to what stores are playing. And if there’s one song that seems to show up just about everywhere, it’s a light rock classic by Don Henley and Patty Smyth entitled “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.” I promise, even if you don’t know it by the title, you’ve heard it yourself, at least a dozen times in your lifetime — and whether that kind of music is your “scene” or not, the reality is that the words are true.
Even now, in real time, I’m dealing with two clients who love each other very much, and still…they are gearing up to file for divorce. Why? One reason is that, although the love is very strong, the type of love that the husband has for the wife is very different from the kind of love the wife has for her husband (hers is more of a friendship/agape love). Another reason is because, over time, their values have become very different (get someone who complements your life; it makes all of the difference in the world). And still, another is the wife feels that, if she were to stay, she’d be choosing to remain stagnant as an individual because the kind of life he wants isn’t the kind that she desires…anymore.
Because I am super Team Covenant, for me, in many ways and on many levels, it's all tragic. Divorce is indeed like a death. I am a survivor of it from my own parents. I am watching two children who I love very much currently go through it. And as a marriage life coach for over 18 years now, although I’ve been able to help more couples stay together or even reconcile after divorce, my “record” is not spotless. Yet you do live long enough, and you see that, sometimes, no matter how much love is present, if you want to go the very far and beautiful distance of “’til death parts us” on a literal level — you need more than just love to make that happen…no matter how romantic or even idealistic the notion might be.
Let me explain, in a bit more detail, just where I am coming from.
What It Means to Actually Love Someone
Have you ever thought about what it actually means to love another individual? I promise that if you rely on social media to define it for you, you’re about to be set up for a mighty fall because easily 60-70 percent of the content on there is self-centered, unrealistic, and very feelings-and-nothing-else driven. What I mean by that last point is folks seem to think that love is ONLY a feeling when it is actually so much more than that.
For starters, love is a daily choice. Yep, ask any married couple who has more than a decade under their belt, and they will be quick to tell you that no matter how much they love their partner, sometimes they don’t “feel” like they do, and so they have to push past their feelings and remember that they chose that individual, they made sacred promises in the form of vows to that person, and so they must choose to honor them. THAT IS A FORM OF LOVE.
Know what else love is?
Love is being someone’s strongest support system, greatest advocate, and biggest hype man or woman. That requires a lot of patience, a ton of prayer, and quite a bit of believing in someone because, if they were perfect, why would they need any of that? Yeah, another thing that’s sad about what many people think about love is they expect the person who they say “I love you” to, to be whatever version of love that they conjured up in their mind — and usually that is very idealistic, which is extremely unfair.
Yeah, it’s mighty interesting that if you look to the Good Book for love definitions, things like “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son…” (John 3:16) are what immediately come to mind and yet humans? They don’t wanna wait for nothin’, and they definitely don’t think that they should sacrifice anything. Wild.
Another thing about love is it transforms. Not "changes someone" (some folks think they are supposed to use love to manipulate, and that isn’t love at all) — it transforms them. And that takes time. Contemporary Christian artist Michael W. Smith once said, “Transformation in the world happens when people are healed and start investing in other people.” Transformation plays a role in the healing process. Here’s the thing about that, though: if people didn’t have anything wrong with them, what would they need to heal from? Transformation invests in others; in order to invest, you must give — not just take.
Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti once said, “If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.” Transformation is about understanding someone without trying to change them. Unfortunately, far too many people fail miserably at this. And yet, how arrogant is it to be out here thinking that it’s your job to change someone? Who are you to appoint yourself to that? Do you even understand the person who you’re trying to change? Or are you only coming from the angle of who and what you want them to be? That’s not understanding; again, that is manipulation.
To be honest with y’all, I could go on and on about what love is, yet this is an article and not a book. For now, I’ll just say that I think it was important to amplify those three talking points because they are the “angles of love” that oftentimes go overlooked. That’s why I wanted to lay some foundation on what genuine and mature love looks like before getting into why sometimes love is enough because it’s its own pandemic: the amount of people who call what they are in with or towards someone “love” when it's actually…anything (and sometimes everything) but.
Five Things That Should Come with Being in Love
Okay, so with all of what I just said, you might wonder how you could actually hit the three love points that I shared, and it still not be enough to keep a relationship going — at least, a healthy and purpose-filled one. That’s a really great question. So, because love is so vast…let’s keep building with five things that should be happening, MUTUALLY SO, when two people are actually in love with each other.
1. You’re becoming a better person. There is a Leo Buscalgia quote that I’ve shared before (more than once, actually) that I absolutely adore. It says, “As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I, in a love relationship, do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” And honestly, the quote says it all. If you think you’re in love with someone, yet you AND they are not becoming better as a direct result of the love experience, something is definitely awry. At the end of the day, if you believe that “God is love” (I John 4:8&16), love should definitely be improving you and him in a myriad of different ways and on a thousand different levels because a spiritual relationship with the Divine does just that. No wiggle room.
2. Your life is moving forward, not back. On the heels of what I just said, love shouldn’t have you out here living in a state of stagnation. Love is to liberate you and make you feel like you can release what is holding you back so that you can run toward what will improve your quality of life. That said, if since you’ve been with “him,” you can’t name three things that have shifted, drastically so, when it comes to how your life is progressing, that is a bit of a red flag as well. Love is to fuel you into newer dimensions, not keep you in hamster wheels of cyclic (and typically counterproductive) patterns.
3. You are receiving peace and being a conduit of peace too. I can’t believe how many people on social media get triggered whenever they hear that someone wants to be with a peaceful and peace-filled individual. What in the world? Peace, in a relationship, is about harmony. Peace is about tranquility. Peace is about being on one accord, having a strong and solid friendship, and feeling calm in another person’s presence. Peace is not turmoil. Peace is not stress. PEACE IS NOT DRAMA. A lot of people out here? They think that because their relationship is passionate or intense that love is present. More times than not, the answer is “no.” As a woman by the name of Mary Helen Doyle once said, “Choose love and peace will follow. Choose peace and love will follow.” If that is not your personal reality with your significant other…you’ve got some serious thinking to do.
4. Your views on love and relationships are maturing. Have you ever known a relationship that is childish? There’s no other way to put it. The two people involved are always trying to one-up each other. When they’re mad, they’ll go days without speaking. You find yourself watching a soap opera online that you didn’t ask for because one or both of them are constantly being passive-aggressive about each other’s mess on their social media pages. Ugh. Remember how I said that peace isn’t drama? Yeah, true love isn’t either. In fact, one of the main things that love does is provide you with a safe space to be held accountable so that you’re able to grow in areas where you wouldn’t have otherwise. If your “love relationship” isn’t maturing you…that’s another flag on the play.
5. Sex is the “icing” not the “cake.” A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What If The Sex Is Great? But The Relationship Sucks.” And yeah, this point? Listen, oxytocin — the natural hormone that bonds you to the people you are physically intimate with — can have you out here thinking that just because a man makes your body feel good that he’s good for your mind and spirit too (check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”). In other words, sex can be deceptive, which is why I don’t like the term “make love” (check out “I Absolutely Hate The Phrase 'Make Love.' Here's Why.”). Truly, it can’t be said enough: sex does not MAKE love; sex CELEBRATES a love that is already in place. People who are truly in love know this.
Okay, so this is already quite a bit to think about, right? It’s also essential and relevant because, before you can come to the conclusion that love is not enough to keep your relationship going, you need to make sure that love is what you’re actually experiencing. IS IT?
Now, let’s get into the main reasons why this article has the title that it does.
It’s Damn Near Impossible to Love Someone You Don’t Respect
I’m pretty sure that, at one point or another, we’ve all heard the saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Y’all, that is absolutely how I feel about providing this kind of content for singles — and to me, “single” is individuals whose tax records say that they are. Because no matter how much you may care about someone, again, ask anyone who’s gone through a divorce, and I’m pretty sure they will tell you that breaking up (no matter how difficult it may be) will spare you a lot more heartbreak than ending a marriage will. And so, with that being said, one reason why love may not be enough to try and stay with someone you are seeing (in a dating or even engaged dynamic) is if you don’t respect them — or they don’t respect you.
Scripturally, when it comes to how wives are to treat their husbands, I always think it’s amazing that women are told, not to prioritize loving their husband but respecting him (Ephesians 5:33). If you go to I Peter 3:2 (AMPC), it defines respect in this fashion: “…to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].” (Did y’all see “prize” in there? I DID.)
Ask any man worth his salt, and he’s gonna tell you, I believe without hesitation, that the way he feels love is by feeling respected. So, when you take all of those words in I Peter into account, do you respect your man? And if you don’t, why don’t you? I promise you, with every ounce of my being, that if you don’t respect him, it’s only a matter of time before your relationship either ends or becomes highly dysfunctional because respect is paramount in a healthy, loving dynamic.
And yes, you deserve to be respected as well.
- When a man respects you, he is honest with you.
- When a man respects you, he values opinions.
- When a man respects you, he honors your boundaries.
- When a man respects you, he doesn’t “hit below the belt” in disagreements.
- When a man respects you, he is careful in how he treats you.
- When a man respects you, he prioritizes you.
- When a man respects you, no kind of abuse transpires (including neglect).
Hmph. When you marinate on all of this, one might say that you can’t be loved without being respected. While on some levels, that’s true — believe you me, I have dialogued with many couples over the years who love each other yet they don’t respect each other’s boundaries or they don’t fight fair. And that’s because one or both of them weren’t taught to prioritize respect.
I will say this, though: even if you do love your partner, if you don’t respect them and/or they don’t respect you, love is not going to be enough. Not to go the distance in a mutually beneficial kind of way, it’s not.
LOVING Someone Doesn’t Mean That the Two of You Are COMPATIBLE
Yep, I’m gonna bring some Scripture back into this. Back in the Garden of Eden, when God decided to bless Adam with a helpmate, the Classic Amplified Version of Genesis 2:18 described her to be this: “Now the Lord God said, ‘It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.’” Suitable means “appropriate” and “fitting.” Adapted means being able “to adjust oneself to different conditions, environment, etc.” Complementary means “the quantity or amount that completes anything.” Complete, in this context, speaks to “having all parts or elements; lacking nothing.”
Y’all, there are a couple of men who I loved, but it didn’t work out. I was mad at first — and yet, in hindsight, it was never meant to be. Why? Because I was not the right kind of helper for them, and they were not the right kind of protector and provider for me. There were things about us that didn’t “fit.” There were areas where we weren’t willing to be flexible in order to make the relationship work. When it came to our values, perspectives, and goals, significant things were lacking.
And that’s why I tell couples who come to me prior to marriage that they need to take COMPATIBILITY into serious account before saying “I do.” Compatible literally means “capable of existing or living together in harmony” — and I can’t tell you how many married folks have either been at their entire wit’s end or have ultimately called it quits due to this being such an issue.
It can be what seems like something “minor” at first too. For instance, don’t underestimate if you’re the kind of person who likes a spotless home and your partner’s house isn’t the cleanest. Don’t think it’s not a big deal if you’re an extrovert who likes to go out a lot and your partner seems like he barely even likes people (I know a married couple who have suffered, greatly, over the years because of this). Don’t go into denial if you’re a spontaneous person and your partner is very much “married” to routine.
Some of my male friends? We are very close, and I adore them; they adore me, too. We ain’t ugly either. Yet we are close enough to know and accept that the way we do life as individuals, there is no way we would be harmonious as a couple. Yep, sometimes love isn’t enough because the two of you simply aren’t compatible (or compatible enough) to go the distance.
Being with Someone You Love Isn’t the Ultimate Goal. Being in a Healthy Relationship Is.
As I wrap this up, one more point. A hill that I will forever and a day die on is far too many people put being happy over being healthy. Hmph, I’ll even take that a step further and say that far too many folks think that it’s someone else’s responsibility to make them happy when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Besides, if you don’t even know how to keep yourself happy all of the time, how the hell is someone else supposed to pull it off? Ridiculous. And you know what? When two people are able to see things from this perspective, when they are able to fully grasp that 1) happiness is about inner work, 2) happiness comes and goes, and 3) being healthy is what should matter more — then they can find another person who feels the same way. And that is a solid foundation to build on.
Definitely, two healthy people get that when it comes to being in a long-term relationship that is thriving and flourishing, having someone to love who loves you back is pretty awesome. However, what keeps the relationship together is ensuring that the dynamic is HEALTHY.
So, am I saying that you can love someone in a very pure and genuine way and the relationship be unhealthy? 1000 percent. I’m not speaking of extreme things like abuse, either. I mean…a word that oftentimes comes up whenever healthy is mentioned is “vigor.” Vigor speaks to strength, power, and ability. And if, by being involved with the person who you love, you are not getting stronger, becoming more powerful, and feeling more capable of becoming your best self as you are doing the same thing for him — there are elements about the relationship that is the opposite of healthy: unhealthy, and that means that love isn’t enough. In fact, you should love each other enough to let each other…go. So, that you both can be joined by those who will support and encourage you to become a more…vigorous individual.
Whew, this was a lot. I know. It was also necessary. Because it’s time (past time, really) that we stop romanticizing love to the point that we lose sight of what its purpose is: the fuel needed to keep a healthy relationship going. And hopefully now, all of these words later (LOL), you are able to see that certain things have to be in place, outside of love, for things to not only work…but work well.
“Sometimes love just ain’t enough” is both a mouthful and the truth.
Choose wisely, sis. Love yourself enough to do that…please.
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Divine femininity is something that I’ve been aware of for quite some time; however, it was not until I was in the process of selecting a life coaching school in order to earn my PCC that I found myself deep diving, even more, into what it was all about.
The reason why is because “the principal” of my school (which is what I refer to her as) told me that she sensed that divine femininity was going to become a big part of my focus during this particular season of my life — and interestingly enough, my townhouse going up in flames (talk about “beauty for ashes,” chile) played a direct role in it.
Since I am a “signs and wonders” kind of person, I applied some of what she said as I became both a student of life coaching (on another level) and what divine femininity is all about.
And just what is divine femininity? It’s interesting because some of the answer to that is based on who you ask. Personally, I believe that the easiest way to define it is it’s the feminine side of divine power that is marked by certain character traits that would be considered “signature femininity.” For some, that looks like what a “goddess” would move like. For me, it looks like what provides a balance to masculine energy in some very distinctive and impactful ways.
And while divine femininity has the ability to manifest itself in a myriad of different ways, today, what I want to tap into is how you can apply some of its traits to the gateway of your womb (your vagina) — because goodness, y’all, if there’s one thing that is powerful, sacred and definitely something that defines femininity on a whole ‘nother level, it’s the part of the body that brings forth life, not just literally…metaphorically too.
So, if you’re ready to honor your vagina by bringing it into more of a divine femininity kind of energy and atmosphere, here are seven traits of divine femininity that can help you to accomplish that very thing.
I won’t lie. It’s kind of interesting that when it comes to learning what signature divine femininity traits are, not very many authors can agree on how many of them exist. I know that my first introduction to the concept at all was probably Queen Afua back in the day and her bookSacred Woman: A Guide to Healing the Feminine Body, Mind, and Spirit (the real ones know). Anyway, if there is one trait that virtually everyone can agree on is creativity.
Since being creative is all about bringing something new into existence, and one thing that women can do is birth life, that tracks. However, remember how I also said that wombs can be a metaphor? Even outside of children, we as women have the ability to “birth” all kinds of things — always remember that.
And how can you be more creative as far as your vagina (or vulva) is concerned? When’s the last time you tried a new pubic hair look or trend (check out “Yep. Pubic Hair Has Trends (And Specific Needs) Too.”)? When it comes to sexual pleasure, when was the last time you tried a new sexual position? If you’re wanting to keep your vagina in great shape, have you even attempted to use a yoni egg before?
As far as this particular divine femininity trait is concerned, the main thing to focus on is bringing “newness” to your vagina — it’s about reading and researching things that just might benefit her in ways that you never would’ve considered before.
Something that we see in an emotionally healthy and spiritually sound mother is a woman who is very nurturing and loving. One definition of nurture is “to feed and protect.” Another? It is to “support and encourage.” At the end of the day, being nurturing is all about offering whatever will assist something or someone in being able to flourish and thrive.
When it comes to your vagina, what are you feeding “her” (check out “The Foods Your Vagina's Been Craving,” “10 Fall Foods That Are Really Good For Your Vaginal Health,” “This Is How To Eat Your Way To A Wetter (Yes, Wetter) Vagina,” and “Here’s What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Eat LESS Of”)?
How are you intentionally and proactively protecting her? Are you selective about your sex partners? Do you use condoms until/unless there is mutual exclusivity that’s established? Do you get tested for STIs/STDs on an annual basis (every six months if you’re engaging in casual sex)?
Do you support her by washing her properly (check out “Are You Washing Your Vagina Correctly? You Sure?” and “Love On Yourself With These 7 All-Natural DIY Vaginal Washes”) and getting her the type of underwear that she needs (check out “These Are The Kinds Of Panties Your Vagina Actually Prefers”)? Do you encourage her to live her own best life by giving yourself vaginal self-examinations, just to make sure that everything is “running smoothly” down below?
A part of the reason why I penned “Vaginas Are Like Plants. Here's What I Mean By That.” for the platform was to remind us all that nurturing our vaginas is essential — critical even. She takes good care of you, right? Acknowledge that by nurturing her right on back.
Hands down, if there’s a top area where I see a ton of hypocrisy when it comes to relationships (and oh, there are plenty to choose from), it’s forgiveness. Because while some folks are out here acting like others aren’t “worthy” of it, at the same time, they want that kind of mercy to be bestowed upon them. Listen, I will tell you from very up close and personal experience that if you want to see karma (or sowing and reaping; however, you personally choose to frame it) up close and personally, try not forgiving someone. The way that thing will boomerang on you when you need it most? It never ceases to amaze me.
When it comes to not forgiving, I’m speaking of self-forgiveness, too. And when it comes to your vagina, specifically, not forgiving your vagina could include things like making poor sex decisions, not taking good care of your vagina (and vulva), and even not pampering it as you should. All being unforgiving does is harbor some level of bitterness and resentment — and that can make it hard to love yourself and others as deeply and fully (and consistently) as you should.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times. One of my favorite definitions of forgiveness is by best-selling author Gary Zukav: “Forgiveness is accepting that the past can’t change.” What you should’ve done that you didn’t do? You can’t do anything about that. All you can do is learn, move forward, and do better. This includes the lessons learned surrounding your vagina. Please make sure that you do.
It’s kind of interesting that, when it comes to the words “lust” and “sensual,” (most) people think that they only refer to sex when that isn’t the case. Lust can be rooted in a strong sexual desire, yes; however, it can be a strong desire for anything, period — person, place, thing, or idea. And sensual? Being sensual is about being pleasing to all five senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, and smell. While there is oftentimes at least a hint of sex that comes with that, something (or one) can be sensual without it.
So, keeping the sensual definition in mind, how can your vagina become more sensual? Let’s start with how much do you know about your vagina? Even outside of sex, do you take care of the “touch and sight” senses by holding up a mirror and feeling around — not just for potential health issues but just so that you can feel comfortable doing so? Do you know what different scents mean at various times of the month (check out “Ever Wonder What Different Vaginal Smells Mean? I Got You.”).
If you’ve ever been curious about what your vagina tastes like — hell, it’s basically a haven of probiotics on steroids. Try it. No one has to know. And as far as hearing goes (because I bet you were wondering how I was gonna tie that in) — try listening to some more when you’re bathing, relaxing, or pregaming for sex. There are studies to support that it can provide the same sensations as sexual pleasure. As a diehard music fan — I can totally get where they are coming from.
At the end of the day, kindness is rooted in benevolence, and being benevolent is all about expressing goodwill and doing things that will ultimately benefit other people. If you look at this from the angle of being kind to yourself, this would include actions like loving yourself, comforting yourself, speaking highly (in a self-confident, not arrogant way) of yourself, believing in yourself, and fully accepting yourself. So, when it comes to your vagina, specifically, based on all of the definitions that I just provided — are you kind to her? You sure?
Out of all of the things that I said, I really want to encourage you to hone in on the “comforting” and “fully accepting” part. “Comforting” in the sense that sometimes yeast infections, bacterial infections, itching, and irritation happen. Sometimes, a poor decision might result in an STI/STD. Sometimes, you may not be putting as much proactive self-care into your vagina (and vulva) as you know that you should. Rather than get angry with yourself and/or at your vagina about that, comfort her.
Literally do things that will help to soothe her, like taking oatmeal baths, participating in apple cider vinegar soaks, applying carrier oils (like coconut, carrot seed, and sweet almond) that will help to bring relief to your vulvar skin — things like that. And as far as accepting her — I mean, that’s pretty much a complete sentence.
Just like snowflakes, no two vaginas are just alike, and there is no “wrong” way to have one as far as appearance goes, which means that your vagina (and vulva) was designed to be the way it’s supposed to be. You are able to boost your self-esteem (including your sexual self-esteem) by making complete and total peace with that very fact.
A sign of being a woman who thrives in your divine masculinity is you are able to cooperate with other people. Chile…CHILE. I could do an entire article on this alone. Anyway, when it comes to your vagina, a great definition of cooperate is “to work or act together or jointly for a common purpose or benefit.” And by keeping this in mind, this is why I write articles like “Okay. Let's Make Some Vagina Resolutions This Year.” for the site. It’s basically a reminder that your vagina is just as relevant as the rest of your body, and so it deserves to have some plans made for it too.
So, when it comes to being… “vaginally collaborative” — take a moment to think about what you can do for your vagina that will help to accomplish some benefits for it — well, her. You know, a personal motto that I live by is if your mind, body, and spirit aren’t in agreement about a particular choice that you are about to make concerning a person, place, thing, or idea, you should pause because it’s a “trinity” that is designed to work in harmony.
And so, I encourage you to apply this way of thinking to your vagina. Whatever you’re about to do — is it going to help you and your vagina to accomplish some resolutions or goals that you’ve already set? Can your mind and spirit get on board? If not, it’s not truly a collaborative effort, and it is definitely something that you should rethink…before it’s too late.
Even though most of us think of offspring whenever the word “fertile” comes to mind, it’s super important to remember that the word also speaks to abundance, productiveness, and fruitfulness. Personally, I like the word “fruitful” because that’s all about doing things that will prove to be beneficial, useful, worthwhile, successful, and rewarding for you.
When a woman is walking in her divine femininity, she is laser-focused when it comes to making “fertile moves” when it comes to her lifestyle. And as this comes to a close, whether you desire (more) children or not — your womb and your vagina need you to also be conscious about doing what will be worth their while…what will ultimately prove to be more than short-term rewarding.
An author by the name of Danielle LaPorte once said, “The divine feminine is the warrior and the healer in a womanly package.” A warrior shows great courage and a healer shows great compassion.
Your vagina needs both. Your vagina deserves both. You can give it both.
As you learn more about how to move in your own divine femininity, Black woman, please make sure that you do.
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