How do I know it’s that? Because it’s only become an issue over the past 2-3 years (since perimenopause can last anywhere from 4-10 years…that’s how I’ve connected those dots) my belly wants to look bloated far longer than PMS these days. Plus, whenever I do gain a couple of pounds, my stomach is exactly where things go (le sigh).
And just why is that? Long story short, as women inch closer into menopause, their estrogen and progesterone levels start to fluctuate all over the place — and that can make it easier for the body to accumulate and store fat. Plus, if you add to that the fact that we lose muscle mass and things like night sweats and mood swings can make it harder to rest (which means that our cortisol levels tend to also be off the charts) — well, yeah…our bellies have a high chance of revealing all of this.
Is there anything that can be done? The good news is, yes. By incorporating the following 12 tips into your lifestyle, I can vouch for the fact that you can keep your menopause belly in check while also making your (other) perimenopause symptoms more manageable.
1. Eat Healthy Fats
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Although I get that it might sound counterintuitive to eat fat if you want to lose fat, there is a method behind the madness. For one thing, fatty foods are able to keep you feeling fuller for a longer period of time. Also, they can lower your cholesterol levels, provide you with a boost of energy, help your system absorb the nutrients that it needs, and yes, help you to lose weight.
When it comes to that last point, there is actually a saying that states that “fat helps you to burn fat.” The key is to consume what is considered to be “healthy fats,” including salmon, avocados, eggs, nuts, and dark chocolate.
2. Then Eat (More) Protein
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Remember how I said in the intro that losing muscle mass comes with going through the stages of menopause? Well, when you up your protein intake, that helps to build more muscle. Some other benefits that come with protein consumption are it helps to stabilize your metabolism, reduces hunger cravings, and it plays a role in helping you to burn more fat, too.
Foods that are high in protein include red meat, poultry, eggs, quinoa, chickpeas, black beans, and dairy (or dairy alternatives like oat milk, almond milk, and flax milk).
3. And Some Anti-Inflammatory Foods
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I won’t lie to you; it really does suck that some of the best-tasting foods can also cause inflammation in your system. Foods like fried ones, sugar, red meat, and white-ish, including white pasta, white rice, and white pasta (yep, all of the fun stuff). The reason why inflammation is problematic as all get out is that, once it hits the systematic level, that significantly increases your chances of being diagnosed with diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, Alzheimer’s disease (wild, right?), and yes, obesity.
So, while we’re talking about foods that are good for you, also grocery shop for ones that fall into the category of being anti-inflammatories. Foods like dark leafy greens, cherries, almonds, olive oil, and tuna certainly qualify.
4. Consume More Vitamin C
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Did you know that there is a direct link between body fat and a low amount of vitamin C in your system? No joke. What’s even wilder is if you’re not getting as much of this nutrient into your system, your waistline is one of the first places where the “evidence” could very well show up — not to mention the fact that a vitamin C deficiency can also result in drier skin, bleeding gums, vision issues, and bad moods.
So, if you don’t eat a lot of citrus fruit, berries, cantaloupe, spinach, or peppers, definitely take a vitamin C supplement. Oh, and try to keep it below 2,000 mg a day. Even though your body will get rid of the vitamin C that it doesn’t need, too much of this nutrient can definitely lead to an upset stomach.
5. Sip on Some Oolong Tea
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Is herbal tea something that you enjoy? Yeah, me too. As you’re in the process of building up your collection, make sure that you’ve got some oolong tea around. Aside from the fact that it’s loaded with antioxidants, it can lower your diabetes risk, it can help to keep your heart healthy and strong and oolong tea has a solid reputation when it comes to weight management. One reason is because it’s great at increasing your metabolism, which is also something that can take a bit of a dive during perimenopause and menopause.
6. Exercise
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There is no way that you’re going to be able to take weight off and keep it off without doing some form of exercise. Cardio helps to burn fat, while strength training helps to give your body some definition and build muscle mass. And what if the thought of going to the gym several days a week is a total turn-off? Walking, participating in online yoga classes, jogging around your neighborhood, using free weights, and even playing with your children all qualify as exercises that will help get rid of belly fat.
However, if you’d like some specific exercises that will help to get that menopause belly where you want it to be as soon as possible, check out Prevention’s “17 Best Exercises to Burn Belly Fat, According to Personal Trainers”.
7. Monitor Your Stress Levels
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I have shared many times before that some pretty serious health issues are directly tied to stress: asthma, diabetes, depression, heart disease, and, yes, obesity. Know what else I read a while back? Currently, over 2 out of 3 women are considered to be either overweight or obese, and when you think about how stress-filled a lot of our lives are…how could the connections not be made?
Because cortisol can throw your metabolism off and decrease the muscle mass that you’re already losing during perimenopause and menopause and because that, too, can contribute to belly fat — well, that’s just one more reason to reset boundaries with any person, place, thing or idea that is stressing you out. For so many reasons, it’s just not worth it, sis.
8. Inhale Some Clary Sage
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Any time that I pen a health-related article, if I can find a way to incorporate essential oils, I will. Today, it’s clary sage because there is a direct correlation between inhaling it and losing belly fat. For one thing, it can help to regulate your moods. Another benefit of clary sage is it can help to reduce your stress hormone (cortisol) and, again, that means less fat accumulation including when it comes to your belly area.
9. Research Caralluma Fimbriata
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If you’ve heard of Caralluma Fimbriata before, I am 1000 percent impressed. For those who haven’t, it’s an herb that helps to manage your serotonin (a chemical that sends messages throughout your body) levels. What does this have to do with belly fat? Well, some studies reveal that when you take in this particular herb, it can get your serotonin levels to suppress your appetite and ultimately reduce belly fat; that’s why many diet pills have it listed as one of their ingredients.
10. Up Your Iron and Calcium
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Although you might’ve read or heard somewhere that once you stop having a period, you won’t need as much iron (because you’re not losing as much blood anymore), there is some scientific data that pushes back on that. For instance, one study reveals that iron and calcium, together, can help to keep your bones strong once that time of your life transpires.
When you add that to the fact that some intel also says that iron supplements can help to regulate a high-fat diet while calcium helps to regulate how fat is processed in your body — if you know that you’re not getting enough iron and calcium, now is the time to be more intentional about doing so.
11. Get More Sleep. And Rest.
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Perimenopause and menopause are a real mutha when it comes to trying to get a good night’s rest. A huge reason is due to night sweats, which are another result of estrogen and progesterone acting like they are on a roller coaster ride at Six Flags. And if you don’t make sure to get at least six hours of sleep every night, that can cause you to pack on some pounds because 1) it causes you to eat less, 2) it stabilizes your metabolism, 3) it gives you the energy that you need to consistently exercise, and 4) it can help to keep your stress levels down — and since there is scientific research to back up that stress can directly lead to abdominal fat accumulation, that is something to take special note of.
While we’re on this topic, also make sure to REST too — and yes, there is a difference. While sleep helps your mind and body to rejuvenate and refuel, rest helps even your soul to calm down and refresh itself. When you do things like stay off of electronics, read (an actual book), listen to nature sounds, pamper yourself, and take a day off to do absolutely nothing, that also decreases your cortisol levels so that weight gain is harder for you to experience.
12. Don’t Diet
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As more time goes by and more research is being done, many physical and mental health professionals are coming to the conclusion that diets aren’t the way to go when it comes to losing weight. Instead, to get the long-term results that you seek, it’s important to focus on the reasons behind what got you to the weight where you are and the lifestyle changes that need to happen in order to get the results you seek. So, as I close this out, it’s important to keep in mind to not rely on diets to get your belly fat under control; this includes doing trendy things like taking Ozempic.
I personally know several people, who aren’t diabetic, who are relying on it to drop a few pounds, and not only is that causing a shortage in the drug for diabetics who actually need it, but it’s also frowned upon when used in this fashion. In fact, you should only take it if a medical professional has advised you to. Instead, old-fashioned eating right and exercising is the healthier way to go — for your overall health and well-being and to get that menopause belly where you want it to be.
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Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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Them: “She was always trying to talk about how young people only have sex on their minds, and she would pray for their obsession with it. When we all told her to be quiet because she basically got married at 12, she shut up real quick.”
I bet she did. It’s real easy to “not understand” what you personally don’t have to deal with. Yeah, I wonder if she had waited until even 25 to get married if she would be preaching the same sermon about sexual sobriety. Ah, and sermon. Yeah, that’s a nice segue, too, because if there is another place that is notorious for being in the pulpit about sexual promiscuity while ironically encouraging singles to be consumed, if not obsessed, with finding a spouse, it’s the Church — well, many churches.
Where am I going with all of this? I ain’t got no lies for you. The Good Book says that the truth is what sets us free (John 8:31-32), and there’s no time like the present to tackle something that is quite relationally rampant and yet, interestingly enough, doesn’t get addressed nearly enough: emophilia.
Never Heard of Emophilia Before? Chile, I’m Not Surprised.
GiphyBack when I was in college, I went to school with someone who was always talking about getting married and who God told her was her husband. Looking back, it’s kind of comical (and sad…yes, both at the same time) to think about just how many men she claimed that was. It’s also kind of buck that, all these years later, she’s had multiple husbands (and yes, she put “God on them” every single time) while enjoying taking digs around the fact that, according to her, my body count is much higher than hers (I’m currently sitting at 14; I never asked what hers was).
Yep, even though it’s been years since I’ve “added a notch” and although she’s had three husbands while I’ve had none, she still thinks that my sexual partners are “worse” than her many husbands. Nevermind the fact that (since she’s bringing God all up in it) Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and, well, I’ll let y’all read I Corinthians 7:10-11 (as far as remarriage goes) — I’ve been more promiscuous, and so she will always find that to be far worse.
Is it, though? Or do a lot of people just not know that, similar to how porn isn’t just about sex because it can also mean an excessive amount of something, promiscuous can also mean “consisting of a number of dissimilar parts or elements mingled in a confused or indiscriminate manner” — and that’s why emophilia is a thing. And just what does it mean exactly? EMOTIONAL PROMISCUITY.
To me, this isn’t anything new (although I used to use a different word for promiscuity here; that’s another message for another time). When you grow up in Church culture, if you’re truly paying attention, you notice that emotional promiscuity is a fever pitch in many congregations. It’s like folks want to get married so badly (or have been programmed to think that they should) that “this guy…no, this guy…oh, my bad, THIS GUY is my husband” — and you’re so used to hearing people say it that you kind of go numb (or at least, develop a deaf ear).
And when you sit and watch how a lot of prophesying (or is it prophe-lying?) plays out, folks approached marriage like their spouse was an ingredient or something — just add a man as you stir him into your fantasy of a long-term relationship — and so they weren’t really prepared for what marriage required. Why? Because they didn’t really love the person; it was more like they were in love with falling in love. And because of that, their marriage became hell, and as a result, they try to go all Flip Wilson (the real ones know) on it with some “the devil made me do it”…when it was more like one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Hell is truth seen too late.” (Thomas Hobbes)
Goodness. Just imagine how much drama and/or pain could’ve been spared if folks were introduced to emophilia — again, emotional promiscuity — as soon as they were taught sexual promiscuity, especially since, again, one definition of promiscuity is putting parts together without any type of order or in a way that causes nothing but chaos and confusion (and won’t that preach)?
Okay, so is emophilia the same thing as being a love addict? Great question. Actually, they’re very similar, although a love addict has a tendency to become very fixated on a person to the point where all of those songs about not being able to breathe or live with someone make all of the sense in the world in their eyes. Love addicts also are the type of people who feel like they don’t have much value unless they are in a relationship.
Emophilia comes from a different angle. These are people who, as one mental health expert put it, like the feeling of falling in love (more on that in a sec) and, because they enjoy the “hit” of it so much, 1) they can think that they met “the one” after just one date; and/or 2) they can easily find themselves feeling this way about multiple individuals, and/or 3) they tend to find themselves attracted to (or caught up in) the wrong types of folks: narcissists and highly-manipulative individuals definitely top the list.
Why? Well, for one thing, they move so fast that their discernment isn’t very keen, and two, they move so fast that they don’t make the time to step back, self-reflect, and heal before getting into a new situation with someone else. To them, they just chalk it all up to their pursuit of love and just move on to the next person — for as long as it takes. And honestly, that is pretty unhealthy. For a few reasons.
Starting with believing that “falling in love” is a responsible approach to love in the first place.
I’ll explain.
“Falling in Love” Isn’t Really a Thing, Though
GiphyI’ve shared in other articles that Albert Einstein once said, “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” For the record, I believe the full quote is, “Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do, but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.” What he’s pretty much saying here is you don’t “fall” in love; love is a choice. And I agree.
However, let’s roll this back a bit. To fall is to drop, usually involuntarily. And as much as our culture is totally irresponsible when it comes to the word “love” (for instance, I can’t stand the television show For My Man; they constantly abuse the word. Love doesn’t make us do crazy things. Love doesn’t provoke reckless and violent behavior. Love isn’t criminal. Humans can come up with some very toxic behaviors; it’s not in the name of true love, though), the reality is that love doesn’t happen involuntarily. When you’re speaking of the I Corinthians 13 biblical version of love (love is patient, love is kind, love puts others first, love endures), if you really believe that God is love (I John 4:8&16) and if you think that love is an action and not just a feeling (and it is) — then no, it doesn’t “just happen.” Love is a series of decisions — with words and actions that follow. So no, y’all, you cannot actually “fall in love.”
What you can do is fall into attraction; you can be attracted to someone involuntarily (unintentionally, unconsciously), and sometimes that feeling can be so euphoric that you might be tempted to use the word “love” to define it — yet c’mon: does it even make mature sense to say that you did something as grand and life-altering as LOVE SOMEONE without intention or conscious? To me, that sounds like something a child would say. Give yourself more credit. Give love more credit, too.
And that’s why this part of the article has the heading that it does. It doesn’t matter if a saying is popular (a lot of popular stuff is dead wrong); it matters if it’s correct, and “falling in love” simply isn’t. Do I believe that you can be in love? Yes. Even then, though, not by yourself (check out “Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Difference”); the literal definition of “in” proves that (because in means “with”). Perhaps, if this was stated more, there would be less unhealthy relationships, less divorces, or more folks who took responsibility for who and how they loved instead of chalking it up to just being frivolous and emotional. You deserve better. LOVE DESERVES BETTER.
And that is a huge part of the reason why emophilia is hella problematic. It’s because everything that I just said, bucks it at every single turn. It wants people to think that you can just fall, over and over again, for the wrong people (for you), and you don’t need to take any type of personal accountability for it because…that’s just how love is — that’s just what being in love is like. Emophilia will have you out here being so emotionally promiscuous that you remain in the pattern of confusion by joining parts of yourself to pieces of others…when they simply don’t belong there.
And sadly, because emophilia is such a thing, it will encourage you to fix all of this by “falling in love,” yet again, when the actual thing that you should do is figure out how you became an emophiliac in the first place — so that you can stop “falling in love” and actually walk wisely and soberly into true love instead.
5 Ways to Break Free from Being an Emophiliac
GiphySo what if you saw yourself in at least a part of this and you’re ready to free your own self from emophilia. What should you do? For starters, here are five tips.
1. Take accountability for what got you here. If you are a fan of the “fall in love” phrase, it’s going to take a while to reprogram your mind from thinking that things “just happen” to you when it comes to relationships. So take a moment. Do some real soul-searching and journaling about why you like the concept of falling so much, if you’ve got a pattern that is counterproductive, and what you honestly think that needs to be done on your part. Oh, and if you know that you have an “unhealthy type” that you are drawn to, research their traits too.
2. Do some reading, researching, meditating, and praying about what love actually is. Real talk, this one is a lifelong journey. Just know that if folks even applied the I Corinthians 13 version alone, they would mature in love exponentially. When it comes to love, what I will say for now is love is something that betters your mind, body, and spirit and does not compromise in that way. If you are “loving someone” and you’re not getting these types of results or if your love isn’t making them better…it isn’t love. Attraction, maybe. Elation, perhaps. Love? Nah.
3. See a therapist (or relationship life coach). There are some clients I have who would probably admit that they are an emophiliac (or at least one in recovery) if you asked them. Most of them are single and some of them will randomly make an appointment with me just so that I can share with them what I see from the outside looking in. Listen, there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional if you’re trying to “unlearn to relearn” when it comes to all of this. I applaud it. More folks should.
4. Be abstinent for a while. You know the saying: If you want something different, you have to do things differently. For an emophiliac, all they know is going from person to person or relationship to relationship. You can’t really heal from this type of mindset unless you take some time away from what’s causing it in the first place. A season away from emotional promiscuity will help you to learn how to find other things that can make you feel good — other than a man, a relationship, or “falling in love.” That way, you can know when the love is real instead of the attraction being (potentially) deceptive.
5. CHOOSE. LOVE. I don’t care what this weird ass culture tries to cram down our throats: love doesn’t just happen to us; we choose it. Daily. Married people choose each other. Daily. If you’re dating someone, you are choosing them. Daily. This perspective is what brings integrity into love, longevity into love, and honor back to love.
That said, one thing that comes up when it comes to the topic of promiscuity is “casual” and love deserves so much more than words like “accidental,” “offhand” and “not premeditated.” If you’re going to really love someone, choose it; don’t be promiscuous about it. You deserve better. Love deserves better.
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For some of you, "emophilia" may be your something new for the day as far as the word. Yet, now that it’s been unpacked, if it’s something that you can relate to, more than just a lil’ bit, there’s no time like right at this very moment to stop being emotionally promiscuous…so that you can learn how to love the right way…the best way…the chosen way.
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Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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It's important to bring up that super unfair comparison because, when it comes to a particular dating trend that’s on the list of being a really big dating trend right now, it’s both men and women who are looking to get in on it — and if it’s good for one gender (within reason), in all fairness, it should be seen the same way for the other (again, within reason).
So, with that said, whatever it is that I’m about to share on the topic of age-gap dating, just know that I have no bias; I simply think it’s important for men and women, younger and older, to take a very realistic approach to this kind of dating…because as with pretty much everything in life, it has its pros and some, well, cons too.
Popular Doesn’t Automatically Mean Best
GiphySomething that has kind of always fascinated me about our culture is how so many people will abandon all common sense and logic, just to do something that is considered popular. Well, at the end of the day, that’s pretty much what a trend is: something that is currently done by a lot of people for…whatever the reason. When it comes to dating trends, specifically, oftentimes, they are “birthed” out of surveys from dating sites or apps. When the people who conduct them notice that something is overwhelmingly preferred, encouraged, or supported, then it becomes a trend — and that’s just where age-gap dating came from.
Long story short, Bumble kinda-sorta-recently did a survey and discovered things like 63 percent of folks don’t factor in age when it comes to dating, and 59 percent of women said that they would date a younger man; those are pretty large numbers, and so, there ya have it: a trend.
I will say that although the study wasn’t super-duper specific about when an age gap is considered to be too much of one,Glamour published an article a few years back that said, 10-plus years between two people is enough to start causing some issues if one is not careful (more on that in a sec). And so, before you decide to get out here lookin’ for a youngin’ or a more — eh hem — mature man, just because it currently seems like everyone else is open to it, consider if 10 years — backward or forwards — is something that you would want to deal with; especially long-term.
If you’re not sure, keep reading. Hopefully, I will provide some things for you to ponder.
Difference in Age Means Differences Everywhere
GiphyI’ve got people in my world who have big age gaps in their relationships. I’m talking about more than just 10 years. One example that immediately comes to mind is a married couple who has 15 years between them; the wife is older. On some levels, everything seems cool and copasetic. Oh, but there are nuances. Like she can be very condescending when it comes to what he finds to be fun and entertaining. Plus, their sex drives are not even close to being compatible now that she is well past menopause. It’s interesting because, rather than acknowledging that a lot of all of this has to do with their vast age differences, she prefers to see him as being immature. He’s not immature, sis. He’s just a lot younger than you are.
So, when it comes to age-gap relationships, that’s the first thing that you should think about: are you willing to deal with the differences that will probably come about, simply because you are at different stages in your lives due to your different ages?
Example: Because people say that I don’t look my age (‘preciate it), it’s not uncommon for folks to try and set me up with someone who is in their early 30s. For the most part, I’ll pass. For one thing, I intentionally decided that I didn’t want to have kids a long time ago, and I don’t want to have that discussion/debate with someone who may feel otherwise (quite possibly because they don’t have kids or want more of them). Also, I’ve worked with people, in the lane of relationships, for quite some time now.
Men before 35? For the most part, I encourage their focus to be on themselves and building their life (because a lot of guys don’t hit their professional and financial peak until their late 40s or early 50s). As for myself, I’m pretty settled, so I don’t want to be a hindrance when it comes to them up and moving a few times or switching career paths. Do that babe. You should.
I could go on and on when it comes to this particular point. The bottom line is dating someone who has a semi-significant age difference from you and then having a problem with the differences that come along with it is like really enjoying the summertime and then expecting winter to act like it…just because you do. Feel me?
Age-Gap Dating Requires Being a (Patient) Student. And Teacher.
GiphyWhenever people talk to me about the hours that they spend (or is it waste?) arguing with folks on social media, something that I will oftentimes say (for instance) is, “Some of those folks weren’t even born when Freaknik happened. Let them come to the wisdom and insight that you have, due to your age, on their own.” Same thing goes for age-gap dating.
When it comes to these celebrity relationships, so many of them switch up like they change their underwear, so I won’t even give specific examples. If you surf or scroll on a daily basis, though, you know that there are some older women dating younger men and older men who are dating younger women who show all the signs in the world of heading for a real roller coaster ride because…they are simply at two totally different points in their life.
For instance, when you’re in your 20s, it’s not automatically a red flag that you want to go to the club often. Oh, but when you’re in your 40s, you can be tempted to tell them that it is — even though you did the same thing when you were their age. You know, just because you’ve “been there and done that” before, that doesn’t mean you should look down on them because they haven’t (yet).
Yeah, that’s another challenge about age-gap dating and age-gap relationships: you tend to think that you should be someone’s parent instead of their partner.
So, do I think that age-gap dating can never work? No, that’s not the case. What I will say is if you’re not a very flexible person, you are about to be pissed, often. Because when you’re with someone who has a different view of things that you do, and a part of it is because they are a different age than you are, you’ve got to be willing to teach some things that could help them to grow and also learn some things that could help you to become a better person — whether they are the older one or not.
Take two of my clients where, again, the husband is younger (by nine years) and the wife is older. He says all of the time that if he had not come into her life, she would’ve aged faster because she owns the fact that she’s not naturally a very adventurous person. At the same time, because of her influence in his life, he’s better with time management, which has helped him professionally, because she’s a huge planner (something that she learned to become due to “fumbling some balls” back when she was younger). See what I mean: the student as well as the teacher.
Does this apply to all relationships? It should. I’m just saying that when age-gap dating comes into play, lessons tend to pop up often and sometimes, very unexpectedly, simply due to folks being at various places and stages due to their age alone. If you can’t fathom dealing with that, age-gap dating is probably not something that you should get involved with.
Casually Doing It Can Tend to Backfire
GiphyOkay, so what if you’re someone who wants to do some age-gap dating on a casual level? What could possibly go wrong there? Well, from reading some of my other articles (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”), you’ll already know that I’m not big on the meaning of casual: apathetic, careless, off-hand, without serious intention. Me? Especially at this age, I have zero energy or interest to be dealt with on a casual basis (whew, chile). And what if you’re the one who wants to take this approach? I mean, you’re grown, right? Do you.
I will just give the heads up when it comes to, say, wanting to have a casual sexual situationship with a younger man, while there is more content out here that says while 20-somethings may be having more sex, it’s the people in their 40s who are actually enjoying it the most (which means that it shouldn’t be assumed that the young guys do it better), science is science — and science says that testosterone levels are at their highest when a man is in his 20s. Meanwhile, for us, we are reportedly able to have the most consistent orgasms while we’re in our 30s. Where am I going with all of this?
I actually didn’t become sexually active until college. My first love was younger than I, and goodness, when didn’t he want to hump my leg? The college period was like a sea of raging hormone vessels with free rooms in the form of dorms. Chaotic and damn near diabolical in hindsight. LOL. And a big part of that is because guys have testosterone surging, and we as women are hella fertile. Getting off stays at the forefront on some level (at least for most of us).
The challenge with that is a lot of people who are hormone-driven may not necessarily be relationship-minded. And once you hit your late 30s-40s, after a couple of months of mind-blowing sex (perhaps), that could get old, especially if the sweet young thang doesn’t have much more to offer than that. And so…where do things have to go? That’s the thing about casual…usually nowhere. Again, by definition.
I will say that if you just read all of that and was like, “Okay…and still, what’s the problem?” — hey, do you, sis. I just think it needs to go on record that once you reach a certain point and place in life, casual experiences with younger men can damn near seem brutal — and you can’t really blame them if you got turned out, yet they barely respond to any texts that don’t have sex on the menu. #justsaying
Make Sure to Be Extremely Honest About Your Needs. And Expectations.
GiphyLet’s swing to the other side of this: you dating an older man. I know someone who is currently doing that as well. She’s in her late 30s, and he’s in his early 50s. He’s stable. He’s smart. She said the sex is bomb. Dating him is fun, spontaneous, and full of surprises. So, what’s the problem? He’s super set in his ways. His values are hella traditional (hers are not).
More than anything, though, she wants to get married, and he’s divorced, so he has more of a “been there, done that” take on it. Does he have a problem with being exclusive? Absolutely not. However, having another wife or more children? His kids are grown. He’s mentally and emotionally past that time, too. And so, at a bit of a crossroads, they are — both are invested, and yet, because they are in different seasons of life, they don’t want the same things.
That’s another thing to consider when it comes to age-gap dating — if you are looking for something serious or substantial, you don’t really have time to waste when it comes to getting your needs and expectations out on the table. That’s why, past the first date to see if there is potential for a real connection beyond just chemistry, when it comes to age-gap dating, you really need to get your needs and expectations out there (on both sides) as soon as possible because — and pardon the pun — time is definitely of the essence.
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A lot to think about? Yeah, perhaps. At the same time, is the age-gap something to be leery of? No. It’s just important to check your motives, be realistic, and not lie to yourself or the person you’re seeing about what you want to get out of it.
Because no matter how hot of a trend age-gap dating may currently be, you need to do what’s right and best for you…not merely what is…popular.
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Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
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This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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