

Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with some women who said that they were tired of online gender wars when it comes to relationships. I simply said, “It’s not a ‘war’ if what it’s doing is calling people to a state of accountability, and if it’s getting to a point where women are telling men what they need, men are doing the same, and both sides are listening, that can only be beneficial in the long run.”
Sex is not exempt here. Yeah, it really is time out for men and women (in general) thinking that simply showing up, butt naked, is all that’s required for their partner to have, not just a good time but a deeply satisfying one.
That’s why today’s article is all about sex as it relates to men specifically — things they do, things that happen with them, and things that they like. My thought process is that the more we know about them, the more in tune with them (and their needs) we will ultimately be. Ready?
1. Yes, Some Men Fake It
Just recently, I was talking to a male friend of mine about men faking orgasms. When he told me that he’s done it, more than just a few times before, and I asked him why, he said, “Because a lot of women think they are killin’ it and I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”
It would appear that he’s not alone. Reportedly 1 in 4 men have faked orgasms before due to things like what he said along with not wanting to disappoint their partner if they want to stop sooner or wanting to get things over with for…all kinds of reasons.
I know some of y’all might not want to believe this one but, if some of us can pull off an Oscar-worthy faking-it performance, why would we think that some men can’t do the same? Hmm…
2. There Are Three (Physical) Things That Turn Men on the Most
It’s no secret that men are stimulated visually more than just about anything else. However, if you’re wondering what parts of a woman draw them in the most, a popular survey revealed that, hands down, it’s the face, followed by a woman’s butt and then her hair.
When I asked another male friend about the hair thing he said, “Healthy natural hair especially is super sexy. It sends a nurturing message that men are drawn to — whether men realize it or not.” Definitely some food for thought.
Something else that’s fascinating about this survey is it confirms something that a lot of my male doula clients tell me: “I don’t know why women think that we’re hung up on stretch marks and breasts that aren’t as firm as they used to be,” one man told me. “A woman who brought a baby into the world is sexy as hell and a natural body is always for the win!” There you have it. Straight from the source.
3. Men Appreciate Affection More than Some People Think They Do
Something that comes up in my counseling sessions with couples quite a bit is how much husbands wished their wives would touch on them more — not just sexually either. One husband shared with me, “Just because men, especially Black men, don’t talk about how hard it is out here, that doesn’t mean that it’s not. There’s nothing like coming home and getting my head rubbed, my neck kissed, or having my wife cuddle with me on the couch…especially if she lets me watch something that I actually want to see. We as men want to feel safe sometimes too and touch gives us that. That’s why it’s sad that people assume that ‘physical touch’ just means foreplay. It doesn’t. Even cuddling in bed can meet a need that a conversation can’t.”
He ain’t lyin’. Check out The New York Times piece “The Power of Touch, Especially for Men” when you get a chance. It confirms how much physical touch is king to a man and his intimacy needs.
4. Penises Get Bigger During Fellatio
Honestly, it can’t be said enough that all of the rah-rahing about needing a big penis in order to feel satisfied is borderline ridiculous (yep, I said it). With the average penis being somewhere around 5.5” erect and our most intense vaginal nerves being 2” inside of our vagina, a man who is attentive and smaller in size can get the job done just fine (check out “BDE: Please Let The ‘It Needs To Be Huge’ Myth Go”).
Yet if for some reason, you want to see how big your partner can get, fellatio appears to be the great revealer. Yep, there is plenty of intel out in cyberspace to back the fact that a man’s penis is in its greatest form, size-wise when it’s receiving oral attention. Just one more reason to check out “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm” and then take it seriously. Very seriously.
5. Men Want to Go Down on Women More than They Do
Although there are always going to be some people who will take a hard pass on oral activity (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?” and “Okay. So, This Is Why Oral Sex Is Probably Not Satisfying You (Fully).”), I will forever die on the hill that you should only be okay with not receiving if you’re not expected to give either. In other words, if you’re with someone like DJ Khaled (the real ones know)…that's a PROBLEM.
That being said, if you’re someone who thinks that most men don’t like partaking in cunnilingus activity, I’d be super curious about what brought you to that conclusion. The men in my world are more than happy to please their partner in that way; plus, there are studies to support this claim as well.
For instance, check out “Study finds straight men want to perform oral sex on their partner more often” whenever you get a chance. Because going down on a woman significantly increases the chances of her experiencing some sort of orgasm, that is a huge part of the reason why men are such a fan. “Because really, Shellie, if she’s not gettin’ hers, why should I feel good about gettin’ mine?” That’s what one of my male friends said to me regarding the topic. If you ain’t got a man on this kind of vibration — sis, what is you doin’?
6. Men Also Reciprocate Oral Sex Less than Women Do
On the other hand, while doing some research on oral sex for another project, I found it interesting that some studies said that men are less likely to reciprocate oral sex. Meaning, if a woman goes down on them first, they will pass more often on returning the favor.
I ran this up the flagpole with a few men in the social media space and the general consensus was what one of them said: “If we’re into you, you’re getting it regardless. If it’s more casual, once we get a nut, oftentimes we just lose interest. Not to mention the fact that we go into sex knowing if going down on a woman is on the menu or not. Plus, it can’t be said enough that if she’s a pro on the head game, sometimes we need some re-up time before returning the favor.” Interesting.
7. Men’s Nipples Are As Sensitive As Women’s Are
While in a session with a married couple who’ve been trying to get out of their current sex rut, something the husband said to his wife was, “I wish you would give my nipples as much attention as I give yours.” He’s got a valid point because the reality is that men have the same nerves, glands, and tissues in their nipples as we women do. So, if nipple play gets you off, it’s a fair assumption that your man will dig it too (you won’t know until/unless you try!).
8. Yes, Men Like It When You Talk Dirty to Them
If you’ve heard somewhere that the brain is the largest sex organ that we have, it’s true. This is a part of the reason why the thought of having sex with one person can be the ultimate turn-off while the thought of doing the same things with someone else can be the ultimate turn-on. And since our brain is where we process words and it’s where our libido comes from, are you really surprised that men like “dirty ones” being said to them?
In Medium’s article, “Why Men Love Dirty Talk? Based On Science,” check this out:
“There are two area in hypothalamus, the preoptic area (involved in mating area) and the superchiasmatic nucleus. Men preoptic area is over two times larger and contains two times more cells than women…”
“Larger hypothalamus for men means more circulating testosterone to stimulate the desire of sex. Men’s brain[s] are also responsible in determining both sex drive and sexual pleasure. This is why dirty talk can be so arousing to man.”
A husband once told me in a session that dirty talk can be a great way to release stress because there is so much that a man has to worry about on a daily basis that dirty talk can be a form of escape. So, if you’re someone who has been minimizing the impact that it can play in your own bedroom — while you should run it past your partner first to confirm how he feels about it — please don’t (minimize, that is).
9. Men’s Views on Kissing Are Kind of All over the Place
I’ve consistently been talking to people about sex for over two decades at this point and if there’s one thing that continues to ring true, it’s that men prefer to experience long and deep kisses with women they are totally into (emotional connections included). However, I did peep an eHarmony study that said about half of men will have sex with women without kissing (only 10 percent of women would), that kissing is much more important to women and that guys prefer wetter, tongue-thrusting kisses much more than we do (one guy told me that it’s because it mimics sexual intercourse). Oh, and that they will put up with a bad kisser more than we will as well.
Bottom line on this one, ask your partner their thoughts on all of this data. Their answers might surprise you.
10. Men Have a G-Spot Too
If you never knew what the G-spot’s “real name” is, it’s the Grafenberg spot and it’s located 1-1.5” inside of the vaginal opening in the area that faces your belly button. It’s usually described as feeling like a small button or walnut and it’s popular because, when it is stimulated, it triggers strong sexual arousal.
Thing is, men have a G-spot too. It’s basically their prostate which is located within their rectum. While the reason why that spot is so sexually pleasurable is still being “investigated,” the amount of nerve endings that are around that area probably plays a big part. Yep, we’ve actually got an article on this too. Check out “I Found My Man's G Spot And He Almost Lost It” for some additional points (and pointers).
11. There Are Definitely Certain Sex Positions That Men Prefer
Several years back, Men’s Health published an article entitled, “What Your Favorite Sex Position Says About You.” I thought it was interesting that it said that while the missionary position is romantic, it’s not very adventurous and that women being on top is more about men caring about pleasing their partner than just about anything else.
However, as far as mass surveys go, are any of us surprised that doggystyle continues to reign supreme as far as positions go (with missionary and cowgirl being in second and third place)? Apparently, the view along with the deep entry make it the perfect go-to every time.
One of my boys (male friends) said that a woman’s legs over a man’s shoulders shouldn’t be overlooked either: “Deeper penetration with a limber woman is always a win in any man’s book. Ask him. Any him.”
12. Men’s Orgasms Last Between 5-20 Seconds
When it comes to women and mountaintop seeing, while it used to be assumed that our orgasms lasted somewhere between 3-15 seconds, it’s now thought to be somewhere between 20 seconds and two freakin’ minutes.
For men, it’s more like between 5-20 seconds which is why some of them actually DON’T prefer to climax with their partner; it’s because, once they are finished, the continual stimulation can go from arousal to uncomfortable (hey, if you’ve ever had a partner try to keep stimulating you for a long time after you’ve had an orgasm, you get just where these guys are coming from!).
13. Men’s Ejaculate Can Really Go the Distance
Honestly, I didn’t even plan on adding this one until I read an article that reminded me of the scene (from Insecure) when Daniel came into Issa’s eye during fellatio (remember that?). Although I definitely knew that you can get an STI/STD from oral sex (please remember that!), I never even thought about if you can get it from getting ejaculate into your eyes (hmm…). Apparently, the technical term is ejaculation inter conjunctiva, the chances of it giving you an STI/STD are very low although you can get pink eye from the bacteria that may be within your partner’s semen.
And that led me to wonder about what the chances are of this happening on any level (shooting ‘n all). Bottom line, some ejaculate can travel over six feet and move at almost 30 MPH, so…if face action is your thing, always keep all of this in mind.
14. Uncircumcised Men Give More Vaginal Orgasms
I remember seeing a Twitter clapback for the ages that consisted of a woman trying to clown uncircumcised men for having "turtlenecks” while a man showed a diagram of different women’s vaginas that had a variety of skin amounts when it came to their vulvas and clitorises. Yeah, we all need to lay off of teasing people based on how they were born.
Besides, studies actually reveal that if you’re looking to increase your chances of experiencing a vaginal orgasm, you’d be better off with an “uncut” man anyway. That’s because the extra skin tends to stimulate the most intense nerve endings inside of your vagina. Hmph. If you add to that the fact that uncircumcised men typically have more intense orgasms than circumcised ones too — yeah, you might not want to clown one until you’ve actually had one.
15. Blame Science for Why Men Fall Asleep Right After Sex
There is one thing that (some) women wish men would do more and another that (some) women wish men would do less — both need to be blamed on science, not men. The first is crying. No, it’s not always or automatically a sign that men need to get more “in touch with themselves” if they don’t cry more often. The reality is that more testosterone and less prolactin in their systems are a huge part of the backstory.
As far as why they don’t want to have a deep conversation or stay up and watch a rom-com after gettin’ it in? The uptick of oxytocin, vasopressin, and (interestingly enough) prolactin following an orgasm all work to lull men to sleep. Also, since sex is a major de-stressor and fear-reducer, it’s easier for men to feel more at ease following sex which is why oftentimes the sleep that they have afterward is what they consider to be some of their favorite.
____
There you have it — 15 things about men when it comes to sex that, now that you know (or have been reminded) could make for some better sex or at least some interesting conversation if you forward this to him. A win in my book either way, chile. Enjoy!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
We've All Heard Of Marriage Red Flags Before. Now Check Out 6 Divorce Red Flags.
Red flags. When it comes to relationships, there is nothing like knowing that there are glaring warning signs that are literally trying to tell you something, and yet, because of how you feel about someone, you choose to totally ignore them. Indeed, as author Steve Maraboli once said, “They ignored all of the signs…Pretended not to see the flags…You can break your own heart loving some people.” Geeze.
And this is why, when it comes to getting married, dating/engaged couples definitely need to pay attention to some potentially serious marriage red flags — lifestyle incompatibility; poor communication; financial instability; sexual incompatibility (you don’t have to have sex to know this by the way — couples need to discuss their intimacy needs and wants regardless); inability to compromise; any forms of abuse or addictions and/or unrealistic expectations.
Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
I promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
Someone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
I ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
Several years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
Last one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
____
I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image LumiNola/Getty Images