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Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)
Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with some women who said that they were tired of online gender wars when it comes to relationships. I simply said, “It’s not a ‘war’ if what it’s doing is calling people to a state of accountability, and if it’s getting to a point where women are telling men what they need, men are doing the same, and both sides are listening, that can only be beneficial in the long run.”
Sex is not exempt here. Yeah, it really is time out for men and women (in general) thinking that simply showing up, butt naked, is all that’s required for their partner to have, not just a good time but a deeply satisfying one.
That’s why today’s article is all about sex as it relates to men specifically — things they do, things that happen with them, and things that they like. My thought process is that the more we know about them, the more in tune with them (and their needs) we will ultimately be. Ready?
1. Yes, Some Men Fake It
Just recently, I was talking to a male friend of mine about men faking orgasms. When he told me that he’s done it, more than just a few times before, and I asked him why, he said, “Because a lot of women think they are killin’ it and I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”
It would appear that he’s not alone. Reportedly 1 in 4 men have faked orgasms before due to things like what he said along with not wanting to disappoint their partner if they want to stop sooner or wanting to get things over with for…all kinds of reasons.
I know some of y’all might not want to believe this one but, if some of us can pull off an Oscar-worthy faking-it performance, why would we think that some men can’t do the same? Hmm…
2. There Are Three (Physical) Things That Turn Men on the Most
It’s no secret that men are stimulated visually more than just about anything else. However, if you’re wondering what parts of a woman draw them in the most, a popular survey revealed that, hands down, it’s the face, followed by a woman’s butt and then her hair.
When I asked another male friend about the hair thing he said, “Healthy natural hair especially is super sexy. It sends a nurturing message that men are drawn to — whether men realize it or not.” Definitely some food for thought.
Something else that’s fascinating about this survey is it confirms something that a lot of my male doula clients tell me: “I don’t know why women think that we’re hung up on stretch marks and breasts that aren’t as firm as they used to be,” one man told me. “A woman who brought a baby into the world is sexy as hell and a natural body is always for the win!” There you have it. Straight from the source.
3. Men Appreciate Affection More than Some People Think They Do
Something that comes up in my counseling sessions with couples quite a bit is how much husbands wished their wives would touch on them more — not just sexually either. One husband shared with me, “Just because men, especially Black men, don’t talk about how hard it is out here, that doesn’t mean that it’s not. There’s nothing like coming home and getting my head rubbed, my neck kissed, or having my wife cuddle with me on the couch…especially if she lets me watch something that I actually want to see. We as men want to feel safe sometimes too and touch gives us that. That’s why it’s sad that people assume that ‘physical touch’ just means foreplay. It doesn’t. Even cuddling in bed can meet a need that a conversation can’t.”
He ain’t lyin’. Check out The New York Times piece “The Power of Touch, Especially for Men” when you get a chance. It confirms how much physical touch is king to a man and his intimacy needs.
4. Penises Get Bigger During Fellatio
Honestly, it can’t be said enough that all of the rah-rahing about needing a big penis in order to feel satisfied is borderline ridiculous (yep, I said it). With the average penis being somewhere around 5.5” erect and our most intense vaginal nerves being 2” inside of our vagina, a man who is attentive and smaller in size can get the job done just fine (check out “BDE: Please Let The ‘It Needs To Be Huge’ Myth Go”).
Yet if for some reason, you want to see how big your partner can get, fellatio appears to be the great revealer. Yep, there is plenty of intel out in cyberspace to back the fact that a man’s penis is in its greatest form, size-wise when it’s receiving oral attention. Just one more reason to check out “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm” and then take it seriously. Very seriously.
5. Men Want to Go Down on Women More than They Do
Although there are always going to be some people who will take a hard pass on oral activity (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?” and “Okay. So, This Is Why Oral Sex Is Probably Not Satisfying You (Fully).”), I will forever die on the hill that you should only be okay with not receiving if you’re not expected to give either. In other words, if you’re with someone like DJ Khaled (the real ones know)…that's a PROBLEM.
That being said, if you’re someone who thinks that most men don’t like partaking in cunnilingus activity, I’d be super curious about what brought you to that conclusion. The men in my world are more than happy to please their partner in that way; plus, there are studies to support this claim as well.
For instance, check out “Study finds straight men want to perform oral sex on their partner more often” whenever you get a chance. Because going down on a woman significantly increases the chances of her experiencing some sort of orgasm, that is a huge part of the reason why men are such a fan. “Because really, Shellie, if she’s not gettin’ hers, why should I feel good about gettin’ mine?” That’s what one of my male friends said to me regarding the topic. If you ain’t got a man on this kind of vibration — sis, what is you doin’?
6. Men Also Reciprocate Oral Sex Less than Women Do
On the other hand, while doing some research on oral sex for another project, I found it interesting that some studies said that men are less likely to reciprocate oral sex. Meaning, if a woman goes down on them first, they will pass more often on returning the favor.
I ran this up the flagpole with a few men in the social media space and the general consensus was what one of them said: “If we’re into you, you’re getting it regardless. If it’s more casual, once we get a nut, oftentimes we just lose interest. Not to mention the fact that we go into sex knowing if going down on a woman is on the menu or not. Plus, it can’t be said enough that if she’s a pro on the head game, sometimes we need some re-up time before returning the favor.” Interesting.
7. Men’s Nipples Are As Sensitive As Women’s Are
While in a session with a married couple who’ve been trying to get out of their current sex rut, something the husband said to his wife was, “I wish you would give my nipples as much attention as I give yours.” He’s got a valid point because the reality is that men have the same nerves, glands, and tissues in their nipples as we women do. So, if nipple play gets you off, it’s a fair assumption that your man will dig it too (you won’t know until/unless you try!).
8. Yes, Men Like It When You Talk Dirty to Them
If you’ve heard somewhere that the brain is the largest sex organ that we have, it’s true. This is a part of the reason why the thought of having sex with one person can be the ultimate turn-off while the thought of doing the same things with someone else can be the ultimate turn-on. And since our brain is where we process words and it’s where our libido comes from, are you really surprised that men like “dirty ones” being said to them?
In Medium’s article, “Why Men Love Dirty Talk? Based On Science,” check this out:
“There are two area in hypothalamus, the preoptic area (involved in mating area) and the superchiasmatic nucleus. Men preoptic area is over two times larger and contains two times more cells than women…”
“Larger hypothalamus for men means more circulating testosterone to stimulate the desire of sex. Men’s brain[s] are also responsible in determining both sex drive and sexual pleasure. This is why dirty talk can be so arousing to man.”
A husband once told me in a session that dirty talk can be a great way to release stress because there is so much that a man has to worry about on a daily basis that dirty talk can be a form of escape. So, if you’re someone who has been minimizing the impact that it can play in your own bedroom — while you should run it past your partner first to confirm how he feels about it — please don’t (minimize, that is).
9. Men’s Views on Kissing Are Kind of All over the Place
I’ve consistently been talking to people about sex for over two decades at this point and if there’s one thing that continues to ring true, it’s that men prefer to experience long and deep kisses with women they are totally into (emotional connections included). However, I did peep an eHarmony study that said about half of men will have sex with women without kissing (only 10 percent of women would), that kissing is much more important to women and that guys prefer wetter, tongue-thrusting kisses much more than we do (one guy told me that it’s because it mimics sexual intercourse). Oh, and that they will put up with a bad kisser more than we will as well.
Bottom line on this one, ask your partner their thoughts on all of this data. Their answers might surprise you.
10. Men Have a G-Spot Too
If you never knew what the G-spot’s “real name” is, it’s the Grafenberg spot and it’s located 1-1.5” inside of the vaginal opening in the area that faces your belly button. It’s usually described as feeling like a small button or walnut and it’s popular because, when it is stimulated, it triggers strong sexual arousal.
Thing is, men have a G-spot too. It’s basically their prostate which is located within their rectum. While the reason why that spot is so sexually pleasurable is still being “investigated,” the amount of nerve endings that are around that area probably plays a big part. Yep, we’ve actually got an article on this too. Check out “I Found My Man's G Spot And He Almost Lost It” for some additional points (and pointers).
11. There Are Definitely Certain Sex Positions That Men Prefer
Several years back, Men’s Health published an article entitled, “What Your Favorite Sex Position Says About You.” I thought it was interesting that it said that while the missionary position is romantic, it’s not very adventurous and that women being on top is more about men caring about pleasing their partner than just about anything else.
However, as far as mass surveys go, are any of us surprised that doggystyle continues to reign supreme as far as positions go (with missionary and cowgirl being in second and third place)? Apparently, the view along with the deep entry make it the perfect go-to every time.
One of my boys (male friends) said that a woman’s legs over a man’s shoulders shouldn’t be overlooked either: “Deeper penetration with a limber woman is always a win in any man’s book. Ask him. Any him.”
12. Men’s Orgasms Last Between 5-20 Seconds
When it comes to women and mountaintop seeing, while it used to be assumed that our orgasms lasted somewhere between 3-15 seconds, it’s now thought to be somewhere between 20 seconds and two freakin’ minutes.
For men, it’s more like between 5-20 seconds which is why some of them actually DON’T prefer to climax with their partner; it’s because, once they are finished, the continual stimulation can go from arousal to uncomfortable (hey, if you’ve ever had a partner try to keep stimulating you for a long time after you’ve had an orgasm, you get just where these guys are coming from!).
13. Men’s Ejaculate Can Really Go the Distance
Honestly, I didn’t even plan on adding this one until I read an article that reminded me of the scene (from Insecure) when Daniel came into Issa’s eye during fellatio (remember that?). Although I definitely knew that you can get an STI/STD from oral sex (please remember that!), I never even thought about if you can get it from getting ejaculate into your eyes (hmm…). Apparently, the technical term is ejaculation inter conjunctiva, the chances of it giving you an STI/STD are very low although you can get pink eye from the bacteria that may be within your partner’s semen.
And that led me to wonder about what the chances are of this happening on any level (shooting ‘n all). Bottom line, some ejaculate can travel over six feet and move at almost 30 MPH, so…if face action is your thing, always keep all of this in mind.
14. Uncircumcised Men Give More Vaginal Orgasms
I remember seeing a Twitter clapback for the ages that consisted of a woman trying to clown uncircumcised men for having "turtlenecks” while a man showed a diagram of different women’s vaginas that had a variety of skin amounts when it came to their vulvas and clitorises. Yeah, we all need to lay off of teasing people based on how they were born.
Besides, studies actually reveal that if you’re looking to increase your chances of experiencing a vaginal orgasm, you’d be better off with an “uncut” man anyway. That’s because the extra skin tends to stimulate the most intense nerve endings inside of your vagina. Hmph. If you add to that the fact that uncircumcised men typically have more intense orgasms than circumcised ones too — yeah, you might not want to clown one until you’ve actually had one.
15. Blame Science for Why Men Fall Asleep Right After Sex
There is one thing that (some) women wish men would do more and another that (some) women wish men would do less — both need to be blamed on science, not men. The first is crying. No, it’s not always or automatically a sign that men need to get more “in touch with themselves” if they don’t cry more often. The reality is that more testosterone and less prolactin in their systems are a huge part of the backstory.
As far as why they don’t want to have a deep conversation or stay up and watch a rom-com after gettin’ it in? The uptick of oxytocin, vasopressin, and (interestingly enough) prolactin following an orgasm all work to lull men to sleep. Also, since sex is a major de-stressor and fear-reducer, it’s easier for men to feel more at ease following sex which is why oftentimes the sleep that they have afterward is what they consider to be some of their favorite.
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There you have it — 15 things about men when it comes to sex that, now that you know (or have been reminded) could make for some better sex or at least some interesting conversation if you forward this to him. A win in my book either way, chile. Enjoy!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."