

Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP
My family has always said that I'm the straight-no-chaser kind of chick. Here's a visual. My mom once told me that when I was about three-years-old, we got on a bus and a woman said, "Oh, you're such a pretty little girl." My response? I didn't bashfully smile or hide behind my mother's dress. My immediate reply was an enthusiastic, "And you look like a clown!" (I mean…)
Adding to this instance, my mother has said she's pretty sure that my unapologetic outspokenness has probably made her look pretty rude throughout the years. If she was on one side of the room and I found my way to another, she would interrupt whatever someone was saying, just so she could hear—and perhaps "fix"—what was coming out of my own mouth.
Since I am pretty direct, that's why I don't fully get the point of faking orgasms. Well, let me clarify that. The very few times when I have actually done it, it was because I really wanted to hurry up and get the experience over with while not wanting to flat-out say that during the act itself. But even that comes with its own level of counterproductiveness and dysfunction (more on that in just a sec). But doing it for any other reason than not wanting to intentionally hurt someone's feelings never made sense.
Still, tons of people do it. Although orgasms should not be the goal of sexual activity (we all should embrace the journey just as much as the destination), it definitely should be a part of the experience as much as possible. But according to my findings, a lot of us—men and women alike—come up short in this department. Reportedly, 75-80 percent of women have never had a vaginal orgasm (that's an orgasm from intercourse alone) and 1 in 4 guys (25 percent) claim that they fake orgasms (will act like they came when they didn't) too.
A part of me can't help but wonder if a big part of the reason why the stats are what they are is because more of us are faking it rather than tackling the issue of not climaxing, for whatever the reason might be, head on.
Keeping all of this in mind, if you know that you fake it more often than not (or you highly suspect that your partner does), here are seven solid reasons why you should stop ASAP:
Faking It Isn't Good for Your Physical Health
There are certain proven things that an orgasm is able to do for a woman's health. It reduces stress; increases blood circulation; raises DHEA levels; soothes migraines; improves flexibility; strengthens immunity; boosts oxytocin levels (which bonds you to your partner, lowers levels of pain and also helps you to sleep better); gives your skin a healthy glow—the list is kinda endless.
And here's the thing—while some of these benefits will happen whether you have an orgasm or not, others will only come your way if the muscles that are in your vagina, uterus and anus contract and then relax. This means that you can't "fake your way" into all of these things. Some of them have to happen via a genuine orgasmic release.
So, really—why fake it when you could strive for a real orgasm and take your health to new heights?
Faking It Gives Your Partner the Wrong Impression
One time, while sitting in a counseling session with a married couple who were sharing with me the pros and cons of their sex life, the husband had a rather embarrassing a-ha moment. While he was bragging about how well he puts it down, his wife said that one of the things that irritates her is having to use her own spit to make herself wet. W-O-W. As I dug deeper, according to her, her husband rushes foreplay, doesn't like to give oral sex and is one of those bang-bang-bang dudes (they're the worst). To add insult to injury (so to speak), she'd only had an orgasm with one person and it wasn't her husband; it was an ex—an ex that she ended up cheating on her husband with, by the way.
There are sooooo many morals to this particular story, but the one that pertains most to this topic is when you fake an orgasm, you give your partner the impression that they are fully satisfying you sexually when they (probably) aren't. And how can they change or fix anything that they don't know is wrong in the first place?
Faking It Is a Form of Manipulation
Manipulation is evil. Anyone who wants to give pushback on that is probably a manipulative individual. I am firm on what I think about it because it's a cryptic form of trying to control someone. That said, I can't tell you how many wives have bragged to me about how faking orgasms has gotten them a new pair of shoes or convinced their husband to go against his better judgment on a decision.
Mind you, it's not just having sex that accomplished this (which can also a form of manipulation); it's him believing that his spouse is as into him as he is into her, her waiting until his mind is mud and then asking him to do something he probably wouldn't agree to if he wasn't coming down from his own orgasmic high.
I've read all kinds of reasons why women fake it. One of the top is using it as some form of mind control. Intimacy and manipulation should never be used in the same sentence. It taints the beauty of sex on so many levels. Ugh. Just ugh.
Faking It Oftentimes Reveals Deeper Relationship Issues
If you'll pretend that things are great in the bedroom, what keeps you from pretending in other ways when it comes to you and your man? Although sex really should be treated like the "icing" rather than the "cake" of any relationship, when two people are not sexually fulfilled with one another, it can oftentimes reveal that something else is…not going so well in other areas. Maybe it's a lack of communication, a lack of trust, an innate fear to be totally open and honest—it could be all sorts of things.
Bottom line, pretending to be happy or content in your relationship when you really aren't is doing more harm than good to it. Whether you're pretending inside of the bedroom or outside of it.
Faking It Can Set You Up to Cheat
Some of you might remember a few years back when the whole Ashley Madison drama broke out. You know, when the dating service that specifically catered to married folks or people in exclusive relationships got hacked. Well, one thing that some scientific research discovered was that most of the cheaters fell into two categories—people who were bored or sexually dissatisfied or people who were unhappy in their relationship overall.
I'm not stupid. I know that there are some folks who are totally content with their sex lives with their partner and still they cheat. That's another article for another time. But remember that wife I mentioned earlier who committed infidelity in her marriage with a previous partner who sexually pleased her more than her husband did?
Another downside to faking it is it can have you fantasizing or reminiscing about someone who makes you happier—sexually or otherwise—than your partner does. And, if you feed into that too much, it can set you up to try and turn that fantasy into a reality.
Faking It Might Taint Your Views of Sex Overall
Someone once told me that she's been faking it ever since high school. She is headed towards 50 at this point. You know what else she's told me? She can't understand for the life of her how I enjoy sex, let alone how I've been able to climax. To her, sex is a means to an end and/or something that she gives up because her partner expects it. When I asked her how she learned to fake it (which can also reveal a lot), she first learned by watching porn (I used to work with a porn ministry…lots of porn actors fake it!). She tried it out and it seemed to work with her first partner, so she thought to herself, why fix what isn't broken?
The problem with her philosophy is 1) it's pretty unhealthy to let porn "teach" you anything about sex (kinda like you shouldn't let rom-coms or Disney movies teach you about love) and 2) faking all of your life can profoundly damage your view and experience with intimacy.
Can you imagine going your entire life without having a real bonafide earth-shattering orgasm? Yeah, me neither. But when you fake it all of the time, you put yourself at risk of never knowing what you and your partner are truly capable of. Of what the hype about sex is really all about (and it's totally worth the hype!).
Faking It Is Living a Lie
An ex of mine used to say the funniest thing about faking orgasms—"Faking it is a form of witchcraft." Witchcraft is magic, sorcery and bewitching influence and charm. If you add these definitions to faking it, I guess it all depends on who you're having sex with. Yet, even if witchcraft is up for debate, I will tell you one thing that it is for sure—it's a lie. At the very least, a lie is told in order to give someone the wrong impression; at worst, it's designed to deceive.
Here's something that I find to be interesting about the motive for lying, in general. Some people do it because they don't want to disappoint the person they are lying to. Others do it because they lie so much that falsehoods become their own reality. Others lie because one lie has now snowballed into other lies and they need to save face. Then there are those who lie because the truth makes them feel uncomfortably vulnerable.
I don't know about you, but I can see how all of these could apply to faking orgasms. The irony is that any sex therapist or expert will tell you that unless people (especially women) are willing to be open with their partner and let their walls down, an orgasm will probably never happen for them.
Bottom line—all the lying does is keep things fake and frustrating. In the bedroom and out. My advice to people who fall into this particular category—try telling the truth, to yourself and to your partner. See where that gets you.
It just might set you free in some pretty mind-blowing ways (wink, wink) and make your relationship so much healthier in the process too!
Featured Image by Getty Images.
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Queen Latifah On Her Journey To Self-Acceptance: 'I've Been Trying To Maintain My Freedom To Be Me'
Actress and rapper Dana "Queen Latifah" Owens is defying societal standards by refusing to be confined in a box regarding her personal and professional life.
Owens, who has been a part of the entertainment industry for over three decades, is widely recognized for her empowering songs and the variety of acting roles she has obtained throughout her career, among other things. The list includes Living Single, Set It Off, Chicago --with which she earned an Oscar nomination-- Just Wright, Girls Trip, and most recently, The Equalizer series on CBS.
Owens is also very tight-lipped about her personal life. However, in 2021, The Last Holiday actress showed appreciation to Eboni Nichols, who is reportedly her partner, and their son Rebel after receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award.
Since then, Owens has revealed why she doesn't want to be defined as anything but herself and how she maintains her sense of freedom. In a resurfaced video from theGrio Awards, Owens opened up about those topics when she accepted the Television Icon Award for her past contributionsIn a clip uploaded on theGrio's Instagram account last week, Owens explained that she often had to fight to be herself because "the world" kept trying to put her in a box based on what society thought a woman should be.
"My whole life, I feel like I've been trying to maintain my freedom to be me. And the world is trying to put these things on me to stop me from being who I am," she said.
Further into the speech, Owens explained that although many would have their own opinion about her from what the media spews out, she would continue to be herself by wearing "beautiful gowns and dresses," playing in the dirt, participating in basketball games with men and loving who she loves because that's what makes her happy.
The Beauty Shop star also added that despite her celebrity status, she would continue to show respect for others because that's who she is as a person and how she was raised.
"So I wear these beautiful gowns and dresses because I want to because that's part of me. I play in the dirt. I play basketball with the boys because that's me,” she stated. "I love who I love because that's me. I love all of you who have supported me. I give you your respect. I don't have to be above you because that's me. I know me."
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