I can remember the way it felt the first time it hit me. Like I had been running for miles and was finally able to get a drink of water, like I was eating my first home cooked meal after have been starved for too long, like a crash without a wave – a rush of euphoria.
It built up in the lowest part of my womb, fighting to leave me so that I may arrive. I had no idea I had it in me, not for another soul at least. For so long, that feeling was something I could only achieve alone. Past lovers tried their hardest to beckon it from me, hoping that it would respond when they called its name, “Come." It never did, I never did.
There was something about sex that felt like such a performance and an orgasm always felt like a spotlight shining as opposed to an inviting space where I could arrive at my leisure, not when I was told. I don't think past lovers understood that the way that he does. I gave disclaimers about my inability, my partners would nod their heads in understanding, but the acknowledgement would discontinue being mutual once their ego entered the picture and took center stage.
Oh, men and their challenges.
They looked at me like one. Frantic fingers would press my clit far too hard. Frantic movements in general, it was just…no. I understood why some would fake it, because my lack of an orgasm seemed to be taken so personally by them, as if my body was his own.
Despite what my language might suggest, I was content with sex without orgasms. For a long time, and even now, what I enjoy about sex is the ride itself. I love the way it feels to be filled, how lips and tongues intertwine, arms and lips. How we build just to break. How a want evolves into a need. The little sounds that exits his mouth that mingle with mine into a perfect duet. It's the experience itself for me, not the very end. Until him.
I felt something different in the air between us from minute one of meeting each other. We spoke like we knew one another for years. Our back and forth was instant and magic, our attraction undeniable, our chemistry magnetic. The vibe was right, the timing.
About a week after our first date, we were engaging in one of our nightly calls during my after class commute. Late at night, on the bus with prying ears to hear, I expressed to him how much I wanted him, how I didn't want to hold back out of hope that he'd desire me the more I made him wait.
I wanted to have sex with him.
We agreed that if we took it there, it would be a monogamous exclusive thing despite just officially entering the “talking" stage. I bit my lip. We played together on the phone later that night with my hand between my thighs. With his voice in my ears, giving me direction, calling its name, he gave me my first orgasm. I was able to let go in a way that I hadn't before in the presence of another. He wasn't physically there, but in a way, it felt he was. I tightened and came undone and, with him, it was only the beginning.
The second, would come in another week. I was working on an assignment late Sunday evening in the library with one of my classmates. My hair was tucked away underneath my obligatory winter beanie. I wore my panther pride proudly through my university hoodie and sweats. I wanted him then, but I wanted it to be under different circumstances. I wanted to be vampy, a showstopper. But I couldn't help that I wanted him when I wanted him. So after I finished my essay, I left the library, headed to his house, and I was his.
The seduction was like nothing I ever experienced, perhaps because it wasn't seduction at all. It was comfort, it was vulnerability, it was intimate.
The first time we saw one another naked was during an hour-long shower where we talked about life and listened to music. There was nothing sexual about it whatsoever, to the point where I wondered if we were indeed going to have sex at all. But as I moisturized my body with oil, he stopped me suddenly with a kiss that demanded my attention before leading me back to his bedroom. Then he took me. My gasp permeated the quiet of the house. I had never felt so full. Never. He lifted my legs and dipped his head so that he could meet my lips as we exchanged breaths and moans on one another's tongues. I didn't know I was coming until it hit me.
A combination of the sensuality of our act, the intensity, and how perfectly he fit within me made sex feel like nothing I ever felt before. He was like nothing I ever felt before. I let go. He didn't speed up his stroke at my center's fluttering, instead he kept steady in his movements. Slow, deep, purposeful strokes. My legs were on his shoulders, he bit my calf muscle, and moaned in response to feeling me grip around him. “There we go baby," he whispered against me. And I fell, surrendered to it and him completely. I was his.
In one night he changed my mind about orgasms. He showed me the glory of how it feels to pulsate around someone and writhe through waves of pleasure while touching another person in an act of deep intimacy. It happened so quickly and so effortlessly, without a strategically placed finger or a beckon for it at his lips. It was pure passion and my willingness to surrender to the spotlight I had always shied away from, a spotlight I drew closer to solely because he didn't ask it of me. He got me. He taught me that surrender does not mean I have been conquered.
He taught me that sex was a walk, not a race.
Not something to be determined, to be pressured, cornered, and made to feel like I must “arrive" in order to meet my partner's needs. I felt safe to let go to the extent that I did, because with him, it was not about need or ego. It was selfless, giving, dancing, bathing, it was love. I had never had a vaginal orgasm with someone before him, and he had me so addicted I didn't want to ever go back.
“Come for me." It only answers to him calling its name. It does, I always do. As you may know, an “I love you" soon followed.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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'Boomeranging': 4 Signs It's Okay To Rebound To Your Old Job
Stories like Nelly and Ashanti's second go 'round at love prove that wanting that old thang back isn't always a bad thing. And this even applies to jobs. Recent research shows that 43 percent of people who resigned during the Great Resignation in early 2021 admitted they were "better off at their old job," and 41 percent felt they "quit their job too quickly." Other reports show that about a quarter of employees “boomeranged” to their old jobs voluntarily last year.
But just like in relationships, there are key things to consider before going back to a former employer. I mean, there was indeed a reason you left, so going back might be one of the worst mistakes you've made—twice.
Let me help you out with this one. Here are four major signs it's a good idea to rebound or "boomerang" to your old job:
1. There's new management.
This is one of the most important signs that going back to an old job is a good idea. If you left the job due to toxic, inexperienced, or burned-out management, you might have a better experience with new people in leadership. At least you can start over to build a fresh perspective and connection. A 2019 study found that 57 percent of professionals have left a job because of their manager, and 14 percent have left multiple jobs because of their managers.
Schedule an informative coffee or virtual meeting with an HR professional at your old company or have lunch with a former colleague to get a sense of the new management.
If you don't really have those types of ties to your old job, keep tabs on their latest developments by following their company's LinkedIn page, setting up Google alerts, or checking for news releases about updates from the company.
2. You can take on a role you'd wanted previously but couldn't get back then.
Budgets change along with the times, so maybe this time around, there's room to pay you what you're worth in a higher position. Check job boards, LinkedIn, or other online platforms to see what opportunities are now available, and utilize the experience you once had at the company to sell why you'd be perfect for that role. Harvard Business Report found that 28% of “new hires” were boomerang hires who had resigned within the last 36 months last year. It also found that boomerang employees were more likely to be managers than non-managers.
3. They're finally offering remote or flex schedules.
If you left because you wanted to prioritize time with your children, you felt like you didn't get enough time off after childbirth, or you need to take care of elder family members, this is the perfect reason to consider going back. After the pandemic, more than 40 percent of workers in three industries worked remotely. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics report from October 2024, of 61 detailed industries, 44 had more than 10 percent of their workforce working remotely in 2021. In 2022, the top four industries in 2021 still had over 46 percent of their workforce working remotely.
While there has been news that companies, particularly in tech, are forcing people to go back to the office, while some are requiring employees to go in a few days per week, many have begun fully embracing remote work, changing their tune from years back. In an effort to retain a workforce who has expectations of work-life balance, flexibility, and wellness prioritizing, remote work is now something competitive companies embrace, and that could include your former employer.
4. Your old job was more fulfilling or more of a culture fit than your current one.
Sometimes, money and titles aren't everything. Maybe you had more autonomy at your old job, you were treated with respect, or you felt more accepted and free to be yourself at that company. The new job might have offered more money or a title raise, but the office culture just isn't that great.
If you left your previous job simply to try something new or you were offered more money at another company for a promotion and you're finding that that wasn't the best move, it might be a good idea to reach out to your old HR manager. Maybe they miss you, too.
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