Why Are My Orgasms So Damn Inconsistent?
Really, y'all. At this point, who hasn't heard that 70-75 percent of women are unable to experience a vaginal orgasm? What I wanna know is how many women are able to "see the mountaintop", each and every time they have sex, period? That's the real story. Because I'm here to tell you that even though I do happily and gratefully fall into the "other 25 percent", it has been super fascinating to me how I've been able to orgasm (not just vaginally but any kind) quickly and easily AF on some days while then wondering if I made it all up in my head on others—and most times, this self-evaluating would happen with the same partner—well, partners.
2020 took a lot from us and 2021 is already showing its ass. If there's one area where I think it's time that we took even more of our power back, it's as it relates to consistently climaxing. If you've read, even a little of my content on here, you know that I'm a firm believer that pondering the right questions is what can help us to get to the solution of almost any problem. And when it comes to this particular query, I really do believe that the (honest) answers to the following five questions can get you off of the orgasm-roller-coaster ride so that each and every time can be…just what you want it to be.
1.Are You into Him Enough?
There is someone on Twitter, who has a pretty big following, and who professes to be a sex therapist. Yet the more I read her content, I'm not so sure because she is extremely focused on the physical side of only. Case in point—something that she thinks is utterly ridiculous is soul ties. Listen, even if you don't personally believe that the sex you have with folks creates a spiritual and emotional connection with them (check out "Soul Ties Are A Thing: Is Your Sexual Past 'Haunting' You?"), I'm not sure how anyone can debate the scientific proof that oxytocin (a natural hormone in our body that sends various messages to our brain) is triggered during sexual acts and makes us feel closer to the ones we're having sex with. Automatically so. That's how it earned the nickname "the love hormone". Plus, both men and women alike will admit that sex is so much better when they actually have some sort of bond with the person who they're engaging with.
With all of that being said, let's start here. When you think back on the times when you have had an orgasm, how did you feel about your partner at the time? And when you weren't, how did you feel about them then? There are plenty of wives out here who will tell you that when they are in sync with their hubby, it's super easy to hang from the chandeliers; oh, but when he has totally pissed her off, there's a disconnect that even the best sex techniques aren't able to fix.
Feeling close to, safe with, and cherished by your partner is a foundational part of having orgasms more consistently. If you aren't, reflect on if this is how you (currently) feel in their space—both in and out of the bedroom.
2.Do You Feel Safe Enough?
Speaking of safe, still to this day, the person I've had the most vaginal orgasms with is someone I was absolutely not the most physically attracted to. Not by a long shot. So, how did he earn that coveted title? I adored him on a friendship level which caused me to trust him enough to not physically tense up or mentally overthink. And when a woman feels safe with a man, there really is no limit to what she is willing to do for—or with him.
It's kind of sad that the only thing a lot of us qualify as being "safe" is whether or not someone will put us in physical danger. Believe you me, as someone who has felt neglected and emotionally abused (both in my family and with certain so-called friendships and relationships), being in the company of those who make you feel emotionally secure feels like nothing else can. So, on the sexual tip, if you're not always seeing fireworks with your partner, this is something else that you should get down to the bottom of. Does he make you feel protected? Does he make you feel like you are more than enough (secure)? Does he make you feel like you can totally get your guard down? Does he make you feel like he can handle your vulnerabilities and insecurities? Does he make you feel like what happens between the two of you remains there and that you are not being compared to anyone else or judged?
Some women don't even think this deeply about their sexual experiences. Oh, but they should. Because the reality is there would probably be a lot more orgasms going on if emotional safety was treated with the utmost importance that it deserves.
3.Are You Wet Enough?
It's no secret that we cum more when there is direct clitoral stimulation. Well, in order for that to happen, we've gotta be willing to open up. Literally. Sometimes, the reason why we are able to have an outstanding night one day and a yawner the next is because we are more adventurous on some days than others.
If you've automatically decided to only do missionary in the dark before things even get started or that trying a position that you've never done before is totally out of the question, this could be yet another reason why you're not having orgasms as often as you want them to.
For the almost three years that I've been writing consistent for this platform, I've touched on orgasms and sex hacks quite a bit (check out "What Is A Super Orgasm & How Can I Have One?", "How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?", "15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level", "10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently" and "How To Have Mind-Blowing Multiple Orgasms. Tonight, Chile."). A part of the reason is that I'm all about people having the best sex ever. Another reason is that, no matter how much any of us may think that we already know about coitus, there is clearly more to learn. Being open about trying new things can also help you to orgasm more consistently because it loosens you the heck up. An open mind and open well, you know, are the perfect combo for climaxing more consistently. How open are you, chile?
4.Are You Relaxed Enough?
There's no way to get around the fact that when it comes to having a vaginal orgasm, some of it has to do with the way you were born. What I mean by that is it's true that the closer a woman's clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for her to climax via intercourse. Yet do you know what else really gets things going along? Lubrication. I don't care if it's naturally from your va-jay-jay or you need a little help in the lube department, the wetter you are, the better sex is gonna be for you. The main reason why is because, especially during intercourse, there is a lot of friction going on. Too much of that, without some "wetness" to take some of the stress off of your vaginal walls, can result in discomfort rather than sheer pleasure.
Here's the thing about this particular point. The more aroused you are, the greater your chance from getting wetter will be. This means that if you've got a guy who sucks at foreplay, that could hinder your orgasms. Not only that but if your hormones are imbalanced, you are going through menopause (which plays a role in your hormones being all over the place), you are dehydrated (no joke), you're breastfeeding, you smoke, you're on certain medications (ones that treat depression, for example) or you're stressed TF out—this also could prevent the rain from coming down, down below. And a vagina that is like the Sahara is gonna really struggle with having an orgasm.
Out of all of the questions that I'm sharing here, this one has a potential medical component. If you're noticing that your wetness is super inconsistent, it certainly can't hurt to make an appointment with your physician. In the meantime, again, lube is our friend. Shoot, even when there's not an underlying condition, lube can be that. #wink
5.Are You “Open” Enough?
There is not one doctor or sex expert who will disagree with the fact that sex is better for all parties involved with everyone is relaxed. When it comes to us specifically, when we're not chilled out, it can cause us to tense up—not only can that prevent an orgasm, it can actually make sex pretty uncomfortable, if not flat-out painful.
For some of us, relaxing means having a soak in the tub. For others, it could be enjoying an alcoholic beverage (whether it's hot or cold). Some of us would prefer a puff-puff-pass experience. Maybe it's engaging in some orgasmic medication or taking a whiff of an aphrodisiac essential oil. Hell, some of us need to take a damn nap first. The point is, the calmer and more at peace you are, the easier it will be to get aroused and to experience an orgasm. If you're skipping this step, no wonder you're not having as many climaxes as you would like!
Are there other things that could be standing between you and more orgasms? I'm sure there are. I also believe that if you've had them with your current partner before and you simply want it to be more often, getting a five out of five score on this can help to make that a sure thing. So, put some serious thought into all of what I said, OK? Because the only thing better than an orgasm is having one all of the time. Whew, chile.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Giphy
- How To Have Different Types Of Orgasms - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- My First Vaginal Orgasm Experience, What It Is - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Reasons Why Your Orgasms Are Inconsistent - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Why Can't I Orgasm During Sex? Inconsistent Orgasms - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 11 Different Types Of Orgasms Women Can Have - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
GiphyAbout five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
GiphySociety is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
GiphyThe reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
Giphy“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
GiphyOkay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
GiphyAs we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images