Why Are My Orgasms So Damn Inconsistent?

The only thing better than an orgasm is an orgasm every time.


Really, y'all. At this point, who hasn't heard that 70-75 percent of women are unable to experience a vaginal orgasm? What I wanna know is how many women are able to "see the mountaintop", each and every time they have sex, period? That's the real story. Because I'm here to tell you that even though I do happily and gratefully fall into the "other 25 percent", it has been super fascinating to me how I've been able to orgasm (not just vaginally but any kind) quickly and easily AF on some days while then wondering if I made it all up in my head on others—and most times, this self-evaluating would happen with the same partner—well, partners.

2020 took a lot from us and 2021 is already showing its ass. If there's one area where I think it's time that we took even more of our power back, it's as it relates to consistently climaxing. If you've read, even a little of my content on here, you know that I'm a firm believer that pondering the right questions is what can help us to get to the solution of almost any problem. And when it comes to this particular query, I really do believe that the (honest) answers to the following five questions can get you off of the orgasm-roller-coaster ride so that each and every time can be…just what you want it to be.

Are You into Him Enough?


There is someone on Twitter, who has a pretty big following, who professes to be a sex therapist. Yet the more I read her content, I'm not so sure because she is extremely focused on the physical side of only. Case in point—something that she thinks is utterly ridiculous are soul ties. Listen, even if you don't personally believe that the sex you have with folks creates a spiritual and emotional connection with them (check out "Soul Ties Are A Thing: Is Your Sexual Past 'Haunting' You?"), I'm not sure how anyone can debate the scientific proof that oxytocin (a natural hormone in our body that sends various messages to our brain) is triggered during sexual acts and makes us feel closer to the ones we're having sex with. Automatically so. That's how it earned the nickname "the love hormone". Plus, both men and women alike will admit that sex is so much better when they actually have some sort of bond with the person who they're engaging with.

With all of that being said, let's start here. When you think back on the times when you have had an orgasm, how did you feel about your partner at the time? And when you weren't, how did you feel about them then? There are plenty of wives out here who will tell you that when they are in sync with their hubby, it's super easy to hang from the chandeliers; oh, but when he has totally pissed her off, there's a disconnect that even the best sex techniques aren't able to fix.

Feeling close to, safe with and cherished by your partner is a foundational part of having orgasms more consistently. If you aren't, reflect on if this is how you (currently) feel in their space—both in and out of the bedroom.

Do You Feel Safe Enough?


Speaking of safe, still to this day, the person I've had the most vaginal orgasms with is someone I was absolutely not the most physically attracted to. Not by a long shot. So, how did he earn that coveted title? I adored him on a friendship level which caused me to trust him enough to not physically tense up or mentally overthink. And when a woman feels safe with a man, there really is no limit to what she is willing to do for—or with him.

It's kind of sad that the only thing a lot of us qualify as being "safe" is whether or not someone will put us in physical danger. Believe you me, as someone who has felt neglected and emotionally abused (both in my family and with certain so-called friendships and relationships), being in the company of those who make you feel emotionally secure feels like nothing else can. So, on the sexual tip, if you're not always seeing fireworks with your partner, this is something else that you should get down to the bottom of. Does he make you feel protected? Does he make you feel like you are more than enough (secure)? Does he make you feel like you can totally get your guard down? Does he make you feel like he can handle your vulnerabilities and insecurities? Does he make you feel like what happens between the two of you remains there and that you are not being compared to anyone else or judged?

Some women don't even think this deeply about their sexual experiences. Oh, but they should. Because the reality is there would probably be a lot more orgasms going on if emotional safety was treated with the utmost importance that it deserves.

Are You Wet Enough?


It's no secret that we cum more when there is direct clitoral stimulation. Well, in order for that to happen, we've gotta be willing to open up. Literally.

Sometimes, the reason why we are able to have an outstanding night one day and a yawner the next is because we are more adventurous on some days than others.

If you've automatically decided to only do missionary in the dark before things even get started or that trying a position that you've never done before is totally out of the question, this could be yet another reason why you're not having orgasms as often as you want them to.

For the almost three years that I've been writing consistent for this platform, I've touched on orgasms and sex hacks quite a bit (check out "What Is A Super Orgasm & How Can I Have One?", "How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?", "15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level", "10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently" and "How To Have Mind-Blowing Multiple Orgasms. Tonight, Chile."). A part of the reason is because I'm all about people having the best sex ever. Another reason is because, no matter how much any of us may think that we already know about coitus, there is clearly more to learn. Being open about trying new things can also help you to orgasm more consistently because it loosens you the heck up. An open mind and open well, you know, are the perfect combo for climaxing more consistently. How open are you, chile?

Are You Relaxed Enough?


There's no way to get around the fact that when it comes to having a vaginal orgasm, some of it has to do with the way you were born. What I mean by that is it's true that the closer a woman's clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for her to climax via intercourse. Yet do you know what else really gets things going along? Lubrication. I don't care if it's naturally from your va-jay-jay or you need a little help in the lube department, the wetter you are, the better sex is gonna be for you. The main reason why is because, especially during intercourse, there is a lot of friction going on. Too much of that, without some "wetness" to take some of the stress off of your vaginal walls, can result in discomfort rather than sheer pleasure.

Here's the thing about this particular point. The more aroused you are, the greater your chance from getting wetter will be. This means that if you've got a guy who sucks at foreplay, that could hinder your orgasms. Not only that but if your hormones are imbalanced, you are going through menopause (which plays a role in your hormones being all over the place), you are dehydrated (no joke), you're breastfeeding, you smoke, you're on certain medications (ones that treat depression, for example) or you're stressed TF out—this also could prevent the rain from coming down, down below. And a vagina that is like the Sahara is gonna really struggle with having an orgasm.

Out of all of the questions that I'm sharing here, this one has a potential medical component. If you're noticing that your wetness is super inconsistent, it certainly can't hurt to make an appointment with your physician. In the meantime, again, lube is our friend. Shoot, even when there's not an underlying condition, lube can be that. #wink

Are You “Open” Enough?


There is not one doctor or sex expert who will disagree with the fact that sex is better for all parties involved with everyone is relaxed. When it comes to us specifically, when we're not chilled out, it can cause us to tense up—not only can that prevent an orgasm, it can actually make sex pretty uncomfortable, if not flat-out painful.

For some of us, relaxing means having a soak in the tub. For others, it could be enjoying an alcoholic beverage (whether it's hot or cold). Some of us would prefer a puff-puff-pass experience. Maybe it's engaging in some orgasmic medication or taking a whiff of an aphrodisiac essential oil. Hell, some of us need to take a damn nap first. The point is, the calmer and more at peace you are, the easier it will be to get aroused and to experience an orgasm. If you're skipping this step, no wonder you're not having as many climaxes as you would like!

Are there other things that could be standing between you and more orgasms? I'm sure there are. I also believe that if you've had them with your current partner before and you simply want it to be more often, getting a five out of five score on this can help to make that a sure thing. So, put some serious thought into all of what I said, OK? Because the only thing better than an orgasm is having one all of the time. Whew, chile.

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