Every time I have a conversation with a friend or I'm interviewed about relationships and I mention that there is something unique that I've learned from each person I've had sex with, I get a reply along the lines of "C'mon. Every single guy?!"
Yep. Every single one.
I know most people don't believe me. I think it's because I've never sat down in an open forum and broken down what my takeaway was from all 14 of those dudes. Hmph. There's no time like the present…right?
Why do I feel that this is a relevant thing to do? The answer to that question is about a book long, but here's the gist—I firmly believe that each of our bodies is sacred. I also know that oxytocin—the hormone that makes us bond to the people we have sex with—is very real. Plus, nothing that happens to us (especially something as profound as sexual activity) is empty or pointless. There is something that can be gained from each and every experience. Something that can change us for the better—if we allow it to.
So, my hope is that after I conduct this brief rundown of the 14 physical and 14 emotional things that I gathered from each person I slept with that it will encourage you to see the good, bad and indifferent sexual adventures of your own life as moments. My hope is that you will be open to seeing that just like sex is a physical and emotional experience, every experience you have has carved out something sexual and emotional that you probably still carry with you—even now. These were my experiences:
Sexually, he taught me that first-time sex isn't all that painful, messy, or scary so long as your partner cares about you. Emotionally, he taught me that when you come from a broken family dynamic, you should heal before getting into a relationship—with anyone.
Sexually, he taught me that just because a man goes down on you, that doesn't mean you're special to him. Emotionally, he taught me that a man can always make time to cheat on his girlfriend; even if that means hiding you in his closet whenever she comes over.
Sexually, he taught me that men are just as vulnerable about trying new things as women are. He also taught me that the 69 position is awkward as crap. Emotionally, he taught me that a man who is content with just being in your space, sex or no sex, is the sexiest kind of man there is.
Sexually, he taught me that not all men like to receive oral sex even if they enjoy giving it (weird but true). Emotionally, he taught me that if a man doesn't want anyone to know that you're sleeping with him, he isn't worthy of sleeping with you. Point, blank and period.
Sexually, he taught me that men can be in love with one woman and sexually sprung on another (men really do compartmentalize more than we do). Emotionally, he taught me that being sexually sprung doesn't equate to there being a true emotional connection.
Sexually, he taught me that uninhibited sex will give you memories (and chills) to last a lifetime. Emotionally, he taught me that there really is such a thing as the perfect man at the wrong time; that you really can "pluck fruit" before it is ripe.
Sexually, he taught me that some men try to turn women out for the sake of their own ego more than a woman's own pleasure. Emotionally, he taught me that a guy's first time can totally damage his ability to be intimate if he's not careful (in this case, his brother locked him in a bedroom with a grown woman and wouldn't let him out until he had sex with her; he was 12 at the time).
Sexually, he taught me that fine-and-still-some-mo-fine doesn't necessarily make a great sex partner, and a man's height and shoe size have NOTHING to do with the size of his genitalia (he was well over 6'6"). Emotionally, he taught me that if you tell a man you don't want something serious, you'd better mean it. Time, sex, and intense experiences usually won't change what he mentally signed up for from Day One.
Sexually, he taught me that some guys will do certain things with certain women that they won't do with their own girlfriends or wives (I'm still unpacking this one). Emotionally, he taught me that no matter how much a man may like you, if he doesn't love himself, he's going to do you harm. One way or another. Eventually.
Sexually, he taught me that sex with a narcissist is some of the worst sex on the planet, no matter how good it feels (some of y'all will catch that later). Emotionally, he taught me that if you only make decisions to please another person, you're going to resent them, and to some degree, hate yourself before it's all over.
Sexually, he taught me that a freak is sometimes not worth the headache. Emotionally, he taught me that some men don't know how to relate to a woman outside of the bedroom.
Sexually, he taught me that some of the best sex doesn't come with an orgasm, just a strong connection. Emotionally, he taught me that a lot of men are far more emotionally-unstable than many women are; their signs are just a little more cryptic.
Sexually, he taught me that if you say "no" it's rape. Even if you've said "yes" to that same person before. Emotionally, he taught me that a lot of men who rape have been raped—they just don't want to admit it to themselves.
Sexually, he taught me that size doesn't matter nearly as much as most women think it does (our vaginas are only 2-3" and the average penis is 5" erect). Emotionally, he taught me that you can't talk yourself into loving someone, no matter how awesome they are. Either you're feelin' them or you're not.
Here's the thing.
If I lumped all of these experiences together, if I didn't pull each one apart, not only would I run the risk of repeating the same lessons over and over again, but I wouldn't have been able to honor each journey.
That's a part of the reason why I'm not big on the whole "casual sex" way of thinking. My mind, heart, and body are too purposeful for any sexual experience to have no rhyme or reason. I lived it. I've learned from it. It matured me emotionally and better prepared me…sexually.
I bet if you pulled out a piece of paper and jotted down what your sex partners have taught you both sexually as well as emotionally, you'd walk away sharing the same sentiments. It could do wonders for how you process your sexual past and help you determine how you choose to live out your sexual future.
So thanks, fellas. There's a lot of y'all I would've done differently—by not doing you at all. Yet, I'm thankful for the experiences that made me who I am. I'm someone who now knows that every sexual experience contains a sexual and emotional component, which is exactly why we should do our best to always choose our sex partners wisely.
Originally published on November 30, 2018
Featured image via Gyfcat