Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether sheās giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Foxās Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-starās smooth, pristine vocals. Rileyās always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as āAnd I'm Telling You I'm Not Goingā in Dreamgirls on Londonās West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayerās āGravityā became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard āthe power of God.ā
Credit: Ally Green
Rileyās voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Foxās The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasnāt until recently that Riley began to feel like sheād found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But sheās not referring to the one she uses on stage. Sheās referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. āTherapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,ā the 37-year-old says. āItās not something weāre taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.ā
āTherapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. Itās not something weāre taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Rileyās manager, Myisha Brooks, sheāll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasnāt changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. āShe is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,ā Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. āI was shaking in [my therapistās] office,ā she tells xoNecole. āMy fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.ā
There wasnāt just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasnāt cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Rileyās big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
ā[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something thatās not fixing my problem. If anything itās making it worse.ā
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
Weāre only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. āMy new mantra is āhumility does not serve me.ā Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,ā she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. Itās about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but sheās still tired from the āexhaustingā day before. Instead, sheās spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. āIām not going to beat myself up for it. Iām not going to talk down to myself. Iām going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow Iām [back] in the gym,ā she says.
āMy new mantra is āhumility does not serve me.ā Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life ā in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business ā people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says thereās been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. āThis business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes itās unfair,ā she says. But, I have to say itās the love that keeps you going.ā
āThereās no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,ā she continues. āWeāre still niche. Weāre still not main characters.ā
"Thereās no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. Weāre still niche. Weāre still not main characters.ā
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992ās Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays donāt āhave to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.ā
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayerās āGravityā after being told she couldnāt sing it years earlier. āI wanted to do āGravityā on Glee. [I] was told no, because thatās not a song that Mercedes would do,ā she says. āThat was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.ā
As Scherzinger praised the āanointedā performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. āYou have to understand, I have really big names ā casting directors, producers, show creators ā that constantly tell me āIām such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.ā Hire me, then,ā she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, sheās been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020ās Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic āBig Girl Energyā and the reflective ballad āA Momentā on Riley, this new project hones in on the singerās R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled āAll Night.ā āYou said I wasnāt shit, turns out that Iām the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that Iām that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,ā she sings on the tentatively titled āLately,ā a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Rileyās vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
āI am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. Iām evolving as a human being, in general, so Iām way more vulnerable in my music. Iām way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I donāt stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,ā she says.
Credit: Ally Green
āEvery era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is āBig Girl Energy.ā Thatās the name of her company,ā her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. āItās just what she stands for. Sheās not just talking about size, itās in all things. Whether itās putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. Itās her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.ā
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. Sheād love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but sheād revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. Sheās determined that her previous setbacks wonāt stop her from dreaming big.
āI think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, Iām going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but Iām going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. Itās worth it for the happy moments,ā she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, itās because of the work sheās been doing in her personal life.
Sheād previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentineās Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. āI decided to post him on Valentineās Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,ā she says, half-joking before turning serious. āThe breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I donāt owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.ā
Credit: Ally Green
"I donāt owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.ā
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. Sheās not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but sheās more protective of him, especially because heās a father and isnāt interested in becoming a public figure.
Sheās traveling more, too. Itās a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma sheās developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. āI live in constant fear of being broke. I donāt think you ever donāt remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and Iām like, listen, if it goes, it goes. Iām not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.ā
After everything sheās been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. āI have to have a life to live,ā she says. āIāve got to have a life worth fighting for.ā
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Take orgasms, for example. Since Iām well aware of the fact that vaginal orgasms (especially) can be a real challenge for a lot of women, Iām constantly on the hunt for what can help to ābridge the gapā in that arena.
And thatās why I decided, this time, to forego science articles, vlogs, and online data and instead ask some women for myself about some of the things that they do to make having an orgasm, improving their orgasms, and their sexual experience overall something that is so much better for themselves.
So, grab yourself a light aphrodisiac snack (check out āEat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacsā) and dig into what 15 Black women told me gets them off, in a mighty big way, just about every time.
*As always, middle names have been used so that everyone can feel comfortable giving up the goodsā¦umm, so to speak*
1.Ā Rochelle. 37. Married for 11 Years.
GiphyāWhile yāall be out here talking about some kegels, what Iām into is my man giving me a hip massage. The key is to make sure you use some sort of massage oil that has menthol in it. Between the tingling of the menthol and him rubbing on your hips, not only is it really relaxing, but the āminty feelā opens your body up so that once intercourse begins, youāre less tense, and that makes having an orgasm so much easier to do.ā
2.Ā Karmyn. 27. Single.
āKiss him the way you want him to penetrate you. Literally, use your tongue as if it were a penis and move it in his mouth like you want him to move inside of you. The kissing will turn you both on, and if he follows your instructions, you should be able to orgasm with no problem."
"I learned this trick when I asked an ex of mine to explain what p ā sy feels like, and he said the best way to explain it is what a tongue feels like inside of [the] mouth. He shouldāve never told me that, boy! Itās been hell in these streets ever since!ā
3.Ā LaChelle. 43. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.
āIf youāre self-conscious about your body, get some lingerie that has cutouts in them. There is a lot of sexy stuff out here that can have you covering up the parts youāre not comfortable with while still giving him access to the āmain events.ā My man loves one of my lace one-piece teddies that has no crotch, and itās easier for me to orgasm because Iām not overthinking the entire time.ā
4.Ā Trinitee. 27. Married for One Year.
GiphyāWeāve only been married a year, but we werenāt exactly abstinent when we were just dating. So, we like to find ways to keep it fresh. One thing that we do is go āhotel hoppingā once a month. We find a new hotel and meet each other there. We try and do different hours of the day and come with a surprise in hand. Like he might bring a new sex toy, and I might have on some lingerie that heās never seen before. Then we text each other beforehand to talk about the best part of the sex we had from the last hotel we visited. The anticipation is foreplay.ā
5.Ā Wren. 33. In a Serious Relationship for Six Years.
āWhat works for me is doing afterplay as foreplay. What I mean by that is, taking a nap naked with my boo before any sexual activity is one of my favorite things. Being up under him, especially if heās spooning me, feels really good, sleeping together is very intimate, and ā thereās something about being awakened outta my sleep with kisses on my neck and back that almost makes me want to cum right then and there.ā
6.Ā Bevalyn. 40. Living with Her Partner for Four Years.
āGet on your back and have him kneel in front of you."
"Put your legs over his, and when he penetrates you, ask him to use one of his hands to apply pressure on your pubic bone ā the area right above your clitoris."
"As heās gently pushing down while heās inside of youā¦if you donāt cum from that, I donāt know what else to tell you, sis.ā
7.Ā Sophia. 38. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.
GiphyāShower sex can be a bit much, and I donāt trust a used jacuzzi. What we do is fill up our own inflatable pool and get it on inside of it. Itās perfect during the summer, late at night, because we have a tall fence. Just make sure that you bring some silicone lube to keep things slippery down there. An inflatable pool has been one of the best sex investments that we have ever made!ā
8.Ā Averie. 35. Single.
āWanna know if your man is as into giving you head as he claims? Right after he goes down on you, ask him to immediately penetrate you. If heās hard, heās totally into it, and if he catches you soon enough, youāll be in the perfect position to have a multiple orgasm. Donāt say I didnāt give you the ultimate cheat code.ā
9.Ā Victoria. 40. Married for 11 Years.
āShellie, you actually got me on the cinnamon kick when I read one of your articles that talked about applying cinnamon oil to my clit before oral sex. Since [then], Iāve been doing some research, and it says that cinnamon is also an aphrodisiac because it stimulates blood flow. So, Iāll also drink cinnamon tea throughout the day or share a cinnamon cocktail with my husband. Works like a charm.ā
Shellie here: Sheās right. I did say that. LOL. You can read for yourself: āHere's How To Have Some Really Great Fall-Themed Sex.ā
10.Ā Daniela. 28. Engaged for Six Months.
GiphyāEver been fingered backward? What I mean is, get on all fours and have him insert a finger or two from behind with his palm being flat. That way, the space in between your anus and your vagina will get a massage while your vagina gets penetrated. Thereās nothing quite like it.ā
11.Ā Saven. 32. Single.
āIce. Have him rub a little bit of ice on your clitoris and then immediately warm it up with his tongue. There is something about the drastic changes in temperature that gets me every time. And I mean, EVERY time.ā
12.Ā Ferynn. 30. Living with Her Partner for Five Years.
āI donāt know about you, but my man loves to put my legs up in the air. It was never really my favorite move until I read that behind the knees are an unsung erogenous zone. Whoever found that out was onto something because if he rubs back there while talking real crazy to me in a deep voice? Here I comeā¦HERE I COME!ā
13.Ā Vivienne. 30. Engaged for One Year.
GiphyāNever underestimate the power of a foot massage. Just make sure that he applies pressure in the middle of your foot where your arch is. It instantly makes me wet. I asked my doctor why and he said that itās probably because foot massages tend to increase blood flow, including where the vagina is. Either way, itās always a good night if I get a foot massage first.ā
14.Ā Michelle. 24. Single.
āIām a doula who owns my own exercise ballā¦for sex. When I first started showing couples the positions that women can get into to make labor easier, it got me to thinking that some of those positions could work for sex too ā and they do."
"Something about the movement of the ball takes the pressure off of the back for both men and women. It also makes getting into certain positions a lot easier so that you can enjoy sex for a lot longer.ā
15.Ā Carol. 31. Married for Five Years.
āMy husband and I have bets. If he wants me to make some of his favorite meals five days in a row, heās gotta make me cum five times in a row. If I want him to get me something thatās not in our budget, Iāve gotta attempt one of his sex fantasies. Weāre both competitive as hell, so it works for us because honestly, even when we āloseāā¦we win!ā
_____
Listen, I donāt know about yāall, but this was definitely worth my while. After all, aināt nothinā like some Black women who can speak from very-personal-and-up-close experience about what makes them happy ā especially if it can increase the odds of bringing some sexual satisfaction your way too.
Speaking of, if you want to share the wealth, drop some of your own orgasm-related tips in the comment section. The more of us who can woosah on the regular, the better, chile. Straight up. #havefun #lotsofit
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