Pretty much all of my life, someone has had something either very complimentary or super slick to say about my personal style. As far as the slick folks went, I always wondered why they cared so much. Especially ones like a particular friend of mine.
I'll explain. For a couple of years now, I've had a ring in my nose. The first time she saw it, her exact words were, "Did you pierce your nose?! Girl, you look crazy." Oh, but recently, I saw her and guess what she had? I don't even need to say it, right? Exactly. So, either both of us look crazy now or someone was being a pseudo hater once upon a time. I know what my personal vote is.
Anyway, this article isn't about me and my pseudo hatin' friends. Well, it's not just about me (and them). I just thought that since I can count on more than all of my fingers and toes when something like that has happened to me, I'd share some signs that you might also have friends who are a little green with envy—whether it's super-obvious—to them or to you—or not.
That way, you can spot envy for what it is, address the issue (if need be), and keep on feeling good about yourself! After all, if someone is envious of you, that is their problem—not yours. Here are signs your friend is envious of you.
They Copy You. A LOT.
Although some people think that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, personally, I don't. It's one of my pet peeves, actually.
Being friends with someone doesn't make them your Siamese Twin. Shoot, let me tell it, a part of the beauty of real friendship is being able to recognize each other's distinctions and, rather than feeling threatened by them or even wanting to copy them, you are able to celebrate them. Think about shows like Girlfriends or Sex in the City. Did Joan dress like Toni? Did Carrie look like Miranda? NOPE. And everyone was still dope.
If you've got a friend who 1) is short on compliments but 2) shows up rockin' your you-ness more times than not, what's up with that? Maybe ask. Nicely. Copying oftentimes has more to it than what meets the eye.
They Downplay Your Achievements
Healthy friendships? They are all about encouragement and support. That's because everyone involved wants to see each other win. This means that when good things happen, at the very least, there is a heartfelt "Congrats, girl!"—not radio silence, side-eyeing or backhanded compliments; ones like, "I mean, you've been in that position at work so long that they had to acknowledge you at some point, right?"
Good friends are just as excited for each other's come ups as they are their own. If this is a foreign concept to you as far as your besties are concerned, while it's not a 100 percent indication that your friends are envious, it's definitely not something to shrug off as being no big deal.
Meanwhile, They Are Constantly Trying to "One Up" You
You know the type. You start a blog and two weeks later, they've got a new website. You've got a T-shirt line and now suddenly they are fashion designers. You and your boo are exclusive and they're suddenly talking about marriage with the guy they're not even "official" with yet.
Or, it could be something more subtle like you trying to share some of your dreams and goals as they attempt to make their bucket list seem so much more fly.
It's one thing to be inspired by your friends. It's another thing for your friendships to be nothing short of competitions. If you feel like your friends are always trying to be "better" than you in order to prove a point to you, that is toxic. You know what else? They aren't truly your friends.
They Talk About Your Achievements to Others (But Never to You)
This one right here is the absolute worst. Do you ever hear about how good you're doing via someone else that your friend has been talking to? You know what I mean—getting texts from someone about your promotion or receiving a DM from a past boyfriend about some other kind of come up of yours. When you ask where they heard the update from, they mention your friend, yet when you're around that same friend, they don't say a word to you about how good things are going for you?
Be careful. If they can't be happy for you in front of you, that's a problem.
And as far as the people they are talking about you to? I'll just put it this way—there's bragging on friends and then there's gossiping about them. When you've got an envious friend in your life, usually there's a very fine line between the two.
You Can Never Just BE with Them
When someone is envious of another individual, it means they are discontent with themselves; they somehow believe that if they had someone else's looks, relationships, or achievements, somehow it will make them feel better. I didn't come to that conclusion on my own; it's a textbook definition. And when someone is that unhappy within, it's hard for them to be happy for anyone else.
One of the most undetected signs that a friend is envious of you is if, no matter what you say or do, they are still miserable—and somehow you've got something to do with it.
Life is hard enough without someone trying to make you feel responsible for their own self-worth and value. That said, if any of this resonated, confront the green-eyed monster in the eye by sharing with your friend(s) how you've been feeling. Don't go on the attack, but do ask them if there is a reason why it seems like there is tension, competition, or the inability to just relax and BE in one another's space.
If they're a good friend, they'll be open to the conversation. You'll be able to find some sort of healing and resolve.
If they aren't a true friend, well—they'll go on the defensive and either totally shut you down or try and flip the script. It won't be a comfortable experience (trust me, I've been there), but at least you'll get some confirmation that yep—you have a friend who was, at least a little bit, envious of you. And once you know what, you can realign your boundaries so that it doesn't have to affect/infect you any longer.
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The 5 Must-Have Friends Everyone Needs - Read More
The Self-Care of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends - Read More
8 Signs That You Might Be the Toxic Friend of the Group - Read More
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
