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The Self-Care Of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends
Our girlfriends are our chosen tribe. They pull us out of funks. They bring the wine when we've had a tough workday. They celebrate our babies and birthdays and new hairdos with the fervor of a winning football team. Our girlfriends don't fear telling us when we're wrong and they walk with us as we get it right. So, what happens when your girlfriends exhaust you with perpetually poor life decisions?
Most would agree that the mature thing is to sit them down and say, "Hey, you're wearing me out. I've given all the advice I can give. Your choices are harming you and as a result, I am exhausted and I do not want to stand by and watch. So, I need a break." Being honest, though intimidating at times, is the best way to deliver not-so-great news. But for those of us who feel that being honest and attempting to set boundaries has not worked, ghosting seems to be the next best thing.
As a 30-something with almost twenty years of healthy friendships to celebrate, I wasn't 100% sure what to do when one of my girlfriends started to drain me. I was past the age of talking smack but I wasn't quite seasoned enough to know how to take a break from a friend whose lifestyle was...well, toxic.
For the Living Single fans, I am the mediator spirit of Synclaire and the sarcastic humor of Khadijah, rolled into one. I don't want to see anyone downtrodden or harmed. Ever. However, I have a cap for drama. Recently, a close friend pushed that cap and my mediator spirit almost flatlined.
We've been friends for over a decade. Even though I knew her relationship with her boyfriend was toxic, I didn't say much in the first couple of years. I kept my opinion to myself until she asked for it. I chose to be unequivocally honest. I let her know that from the information she presented and what I witnessed, her boyfriend does not respect her and that he does not value the fullness of who she is. Fast-forward years later and she has not let him go.
The drama has continued and intensified.
I found myself at a crossroads. I don't have the capacity to coddle someone who is not willing to make healthy choices. I was consumed with her problems to the point that I was putting my own major life decisions on the back burner. Perhaps I was a bit arrogant to think that I could help. I now know that I am not equipped, called, or certified to continue being her ear on this matter. I'm just not and that's ok.
So, I stopped answering her phone calls. I needed a break and I took one. I went ghost. Ghosting my homegirl offered me peace of mind when I was just struggling not to curse her out. And, you know, yes, perhaps it's better to be straight up but when you're all tapped out, you'd rather just distance yourself. It's a reality.
While ignoring her attempts at communication and journaling myself through the experience, I realized that I had allowed too many people - not just my friend - unlimited access to me, to my schedule, to my spirit, to my listening ear under the banner of "being a good friend."
Exercising my right and ability not to answer my phone when I do not want to has been one of the most freeing ways I've cared for myself this year. The right not to go into crisis mode when my friend texts me six paragraphs about the same boyfriend who has been cheating on her for years felt like a radical act, staking my claim to freedom.
Sometimes, we're so caught up in establishing and loving our tribe that we build codependency into our relationships without realizing it. (Yes, it can happen even after college.) We want to ensure that we're there for one another and that we exemplify what a good friend should be but that can often lead to us overextending ourselves. And overextension can lead to a mess of problems, including but not limited to, resentment, pettiness, isolation, and disinterest.
Some crosses aren't ours to bear. Some problems aren't ours to try to fix.
Being a good girlfriend to our girlfriends does not mean we are their saviors, therapists, or pastors. It simply means that we commit to doing life with one another in as healthy a way as possible.
In just the first week of not interacting with my girlfriend, my sleep was less restless and I could think with more clarity and focus. Her troubles were taking up less emotional space and I could begin to redirect that energy to my own path.
Once I was able to find the peace of mind I'd been missing, I called to let her know I would not be in contact for a while. I didn't say how long and I didn't blame her. I kept the focus on me, letting her know I had a series of huge life decisions I needed to tend to and would be out of contact. She accepted that graciously.
While our girlfriends are all of the wonderful things, there is room for evaluation and repositioning. Being a good girlfriend doesn't mean blindly accepting harmful behavior.
Loyalty to a fault is not admirable or commendable. It's unhealthy and a disservice to all parties involved.
I'm not yet equipped with the language, energy, or desire to jump 100% back into a relationship with my friend. I'm just not. So, the best thing I can do is love her from a distance and take care of myself until I can.
Featured image by Getty Images
Originally published on August 26, 2019
- The Self-Care Of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends - xoNecole ›
- I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend - xoNecole ›
- The Truth About Life After A Toxic Lover - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs You're In A Codependent Friendship - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Telling Signs That You're Dating A Serial Ghoster - xoNecole ›
Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
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When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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