Why Staying Friends With An Ex Is OK (& Healthy)
It was Thanksgiving day and my boyfriend and I were cooking at our place for two very special guests. My five-year-old son, and his father...my ex. Most women would consider the idea of entertaining both men under the same roof to be absolutely insane, but I wasn't worried a single bit. My ex and my boyfriend had more than just me in common - they are also insanely mature. They also know I don't dismiss, discount, or eliminate men from my life based solely on the status of our relationship changing. This is what I come with and I don't apologize for it.
Toxic people have no place in your social circles and shouldn't have the honor of knowing you anymore.
But on occasion, you meet that person who you mistakingly mark as a lover first. In the end, you realize that who that person was all along was a really good friend. You don't miss the sex, you don't miss the intimacy or romance - you just miss the friendship because it was genuine. For me, that old rule of never befriending an ex didn't always apply. Some of my closest friendships started out between the sheets. So what? My overly-welcoming vagina shouldn't be the reason I cancel everyone who ever graced her with their presence. Right?
To me, staying friends with some of my exes is a defining quality. I am this way, because I love this way and these friendships work because I'm conscious, genuine and honest - with myself and my partners. If staying friends with an ex is on your to-do list, here's a few pointers from a self-proclaimed master:
Define The Friendship
First of all, let's set some boundaries. Not every ex is worthy of friendship. That ex that cheated? The ex that constantly belittles you for letting him go? That ex that still tries to get back together with you? Those aren't the ex-lovers that can go into the "let's stay friends" box - at least not mine.
Being friends with an ex should hold the same requirements as staying friends with your college roommate. When the friendship hasn't changed just because the core motivator was removed, that's a sign that this is a legitimate friend and not just someone your holding onto for unhealthy reasons.
Your Friends Are My Friends
If you're not single, and you're still friends with an ex, then a new obstacle takes center stage. Your partner might feel a way about the possible competition. The best way to calm worried nerves is to let them decide for themselves by introducing the ex to the current. Let them see that there is no chemistry between the two of you that he should be worried about, and see maybe why you wanted to stay friends in the first place. If the idea of introducing the two of them makes you want to cower and hide - then maybe you're kidding yourself about that ex after all.
Understand It Won't Always Be Kosher
Staying friends with an ex isn't just an interesting experience, it's also a little taboo. So, the mere idea of it may send possible suitors running for the hills. In most circles, staying friends with an ex is a red flag, so you'll have to do a little work to make sure it's not a red flag for a new partner. If they voice their legitimate concerns, take them seriously. Have that conversation as many times as needed. But in the end, follow your gut. Unhealthy friendships can ruin healthy relationships - but the opposite is also true.
Don't Entertain Flirtation
Maintaining a friendship with an ex or anyone you were once romantically attracted to gets a lot harder if lines are blurred. If you're friends - real friends - then that means you are not options for each other's dating roster. If you guys want to occasionally sleep together, then call it what it is - polyamory. But if you genuinely wish to keep that friend a friend, keep flirting out of the equation. If you can't digest this friendship without a side of sexual tension, then you probably need to get real about what this friendship really is (i.e. a crush).
When An Ex Becomes A Crutch
If you've been single for a while but you have a million male friends you messed around with at some point, then I'm sorry to say, you're walking around on crutches. Being single, in all of its agony and glory, is meant to be a space for you to reflect on you and sit with yourself so you understand who you are - unbothered by commitments or emotional pulls.
If your goal is to not be single one day, you might need to fully embrace this phase no matter how long it lasts in order to move onto coupledom. Bear in mind that not having a man to text late at night about your problems allows to you check in with yourself about them instead. But if you have an ex on reserve speed dial for those moments, then the purpose is kind of defeated.
Activity Buddy
Staying friends with certain exes was something that took some time to figure out for me. But one defining quality stands out. We have things in common. Real, tangible things in common that are not happy hour or Netflix and Chill. So, if we want to hang out, there's usually an activity in mind. A band that only he and I would find so fascinating, or an event within our mutual industries. Going to hang out all the time just to get drinks and talk feels a little too much like dating for my taste. If we're still friends, there has to be a defined purpose in order to avoid a slippery slope.
Take The Time, Do It Right
One thing that absolutely must happen if you are to befriend an ex is space and time. Even if there are no hurt feelings involved, deciding to be friends should be approached only after a cool-down period. Say outright that you would like to be friends, real friends. Then take a month or maybe even two to get some space. That time is super necessary in order to create a clean slate and shake off any vibes that might be carried into a platonic friendship.
Champagne For Real Friends
Here's an easy way to tell if your friend-ex is really a friend. Tell him about your dates. This is what friends do, they talk about their dating life. If I told my female best friend about my last sexual encounter and she responded by shutting her eyes and saying, "Eh...too much information," I would think she lost her mind. Being friends means knowing about each other's lives - not just the elements we can handle. If your ex launches into defense mode or unfairly criticizes your new boo - that's not a friend, that's just another hater.
If you can't be real friends, it's time to say goodbye.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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It’s been nearly twenty years since India.Arie’s crown anthem, “I am not my hair,” gave Black women an affirmation to live by. What followed was a natural hair revolution that birthed a new level of self-love and acceptance. Concerns around how to better care for our hair birthed an entire new generation of entrepreneurs who benefitted from the power of the Black dollar. Retailers made room for product lines made for us, by us, on their shelves, and we further affirmed that though our hair doesn’t define us, it is part of our unique self-expression.
Today, that movement has turned into a wig uprising where Black women are able to experiment with colors, styles, and more without causing irreparable damage to our hair. It could even be said that we’ve arrived at a new level of acceptance: one that does not equate love of oneself to one’s willingness or lack thereof to wear her hair the way others deem acceptable. Not even other people who look like us.
However, as with Blackness itself, the issue of Black women’s hair is layered.
On the surface, it’s nothing more than a matter of personal preference. However, in a deeper dive, issues of texture, curl pattern, and of course, proximity to social acceptance, as well as other runoff streams from the waters of racism and patriarchy, rear their heads. The natural hair movement, though a wide-reaching and liberating community builder, also gave way to colorism and often upheld mainstream beauty standards.
Sometimes, favoring lighter-skinned influencers/creators with very specific hair textures, the white gaze leaked into our safe space and forced us to reckon with it. Accurate representations of natural hair in various states of being—undefined curls, kinks, and unlaid edges—are still absent from brand marketing. Protective styles, though intended to provide breaks from styling for our sensitive hair, have become a mask to help our hair be more palatable. A figurative straddle of the fence in order to appease the comfort of others in the face of our hair’s power.
And then there’s the issue of length.
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As a woman who has spent much of the last decade voluntarily wearing her hair in many variations of short hairstyles, from a pixie cut to a curly fro and a sleek bob, what I’ve gleaned throughout the years is that there is a glaring difference between how I am treated when wearing my hair short than when I opt for weaves, extensions or even grow it out slightly longer than my chin.
The differential treatment comes from women and men alike and spans professional and personal settings, including friends, coworkers, and industry peers.
What has become abundantly clear is that long hair is often conflated with beauty, softness, and any number of other words we relate to femininity in a way that short hair is not. That perceived marker of the essence of womanhood shows up in how I am received, communicated with, and complimented.
Even more so than texture, length has a way of deciding who among us is deserving of our attention, affection, and adoration. Whether naturally grown or proudly bought, the commentary around someone’s look or image greatly shifts when “inches” are present.
When it comes to long hair, we really, really do care.
In an effort to understand whether I had simply been misinterpreting the energy around my hair, I decided to take my findings to social media. I began with two side-by-side photos of myself. In both pictures, my hair is straightened; however, in one, I am wearing my signature pixie cut, and in the other, I am wearing extensions.
I posited that treatment based on hair length is a real thing, and what followed was confirmation that I was not alone in my feelings. “Long hair, like light skin, button noses, and being thin are all forms of social capital,” one user commented. “Some Black women enforce the status quo too, why wouldn’t we?”
Courtesy
This also brought to mind the many times celebrity women (like most recently Beyoncé's Cécred hair tutorial) have done big reveals of their own natural tresses in an attempt to silence any doubt that Black women are able to grow their hair beyond a certain length. Of course, we all know that to be true, so why do we still feel the need to prove it so?
The responses continued to pour in from women of all skin tones, who felt that hair length played a role in people’s treatment of them. “When I have short hair I always feel like people don’t treat me like a woman, they treat me like a kid,” another user commented. “When my hair is long I get a lot more respect for some reason.”
From revelations about feeling invisible to admitted shifts in their own perceived beauty, Black woman after Black woman poured out her experience as it relates to hair length. Though affirmed by their shared realities, knowing that reactions to something so trivial have become yet another hair battle for Black women to fight was disheartening. Though we continue to defy gravity and push the bounds of imagination and creativity by way of our strands, will it always be in response to the idea that we are, somehow, falling short?
Unlike more obvious instances of hair discrimination, the glorification of longer length is sneakier in its connection to Eurocentric beauty standards. Hair commercials, beauty ads, and even hip-hop music have long celebrated the idea of gloriously long tresses while holding onto the ignorant notion that it is inaccessible for Black women.
Even as we continue to fight to prove our hair professional, elegant, and worthy in its natural state to the world at large, we’ve also adopted harmful value markers of our own as a community. It’s evident in how we talk about who has the right to start a haircare line and which influencers we easily platform. It’s evident in the language we use to identify those with long hair versus short hair. And it’s painfully obvious in how we treat one another.
It makes me wonder if India.Arie’s brave rallying cry, almost two decades old in its existence, will ever actually hold true for us. Or will we just continue to invent new ways to uphold the harmful status quo?
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Feature image by Willie B. Thomas/ Getty Images