How My New Partner & I Navigated Blossoming Into A Blended Family
I never thought I'd be a single mom. My daughter was 1 when her father and I decided to break up. The relationship wasn't worth saving. We knew we weren't compatible and that we were just two kids who had to become adults overnight. It was a struggle. After we broke up, I thought, Who would want me now---young, broke, and with a child?
Little did I know, God was laughing at me as I made plans to move forward with my life alone. Less than a year after breaking up, I befriended a guy who would later become my man.
I did very little dating before re-committing. Even though I wanted everything to happen organically, I became vocal about what dating would look like as a single mom. I was clearer than ever before about my wants and needs in a relationship. The top priority was finding someone who understood my role as a mother and cherished that.
It started with a simple conversation that included my expectations, priorities, and duties. (It's helpful to note that during the beginning of our courtship, I was awarded sole custody of my daughter. This made it very easy for me to maneuver through our relationship with very little resistance from her father.) After three years of dating, we combined households. He took on the full-time parenting role and our family was complete.
Sounds like a fairy tale, right? Well, our union wasn't without faults.
We grew up in two different cultures with separate ideologies of what parenting looked like. I was raised in a single-parent household with a strong-willed mama, while he was raised by two traditional Nigerian parents. I knew that the only way to make this work was to work together, so we did. We set rules of engagement and talked about what his role would look like.
My new bae did not have to compete with her father. He needed to grow into his newfound position, and I had to give him the agency to do so.
We were very candid about the growing pains of a new living arrangement, which I credit to having a powerful breakthrough in our relationship. After six months, we finally hit our stride as lovers cohabitating and as parents. We made decisions together, from her diet and bedtime, to how many hours she spent using electronics. Our goal was to raise her in a loving environment and having a shared vision allowed us to focus our energy on creating the outcomes we wanted to see.
Before he moved in, I asked my daughter her thoughts and concerns. She was three at the time but her age was not a factor for me. I wanted her to feel included in such a major decision. She was raised with the freedom to speak her mind and ask questions. This time was no different. Although she couldn't grasp the concept of us moving in together, she did understand changes were happening. She wasn't too keen on having another authority figure in the house. In fact, she was resistant.
There had never been a man in our house before then. (Truth be told, I wasn't used to living with a man, either. My father moved out when I was 9.) While she enjoyed our overnight sleepovers and vacations leading up to this point, those experiences weren't enough for her to fully convert. This was a huge problem for us.
We couldn't get to pure bliss if we weren't all on the same page. The solution started with intention and came to fruition with time. He took a concerted effort to win her trust and full respect.
He would help with her homework, and we'd all spend time together. Meeting her where she was and not where we wanted her to be allowed us to keep the peace in our household. We grew as a family and now he calls her his daughter. I couldn't be more grateful.
What's Next For Us
We're going into our third year of living together. Our blended family allows us to combine jollof rice and jerk chicken on special occasions while leaving room for the traditions that we create. My daughter is surrounded by love from both sides of our families and has a host of aunties, uncles, and cousins. I especially love how accepting his family was of us. They protect her like their own. I knew he was the one when I saw how he honored his family. I look forward to marriage and raising another child together.
Just give me a year or two. No rush.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock.
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Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy