Not too long ago, someone asked me if there are things that particularly trigger me (that I have to work overtime not to show that they do) whenever I’m in a session with clients. Y’all, the list ain’t short (LOL); yet what tops it, hands down, is hurting individuals who try to justify the toxic parents they had, thinking that it’s “just how parents are,” when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Unfortunately, so many people grew up in a mentally, emotionally, and/or physically unhealthy environment that they don’t even realize just how dysfunctional it actually was…and that’s why many of them are repeating those same patterns with their own children.
How do I know that they don’t know? Take an article that I once read on Bored Panda’s site entitled, “50 People Are Sharing The Signs That Made Them Realize They Were Raised By Toxic Parents” as a stellar example. It provides live and in living color reminders that if you grew up with parents who couldn’t care less about your boundaries; treated you like you should be their on-call therapist (oversharing is toxic); kept you walking on eggshells; were controlling as literal hell; constantly played the victim (even when they were dead-ass wrong); would overreact when it came to damn near everything; competed with you; compared you to other people (including your very own friends); found some way to make everything be about them (lawd) and/or were energy or emotional vampires (and this list really is just a starting point) — yes, you had quite a bit of toxicity in your developmental space (especially if it happened on a consistent basis).
Keeping these 10 things in mind, today, we’re gonna deal with toxic mothers. One reason is that, for a myriad of reasons that I can’t get into right now, we live in a culture that tends to want to give them a pass far more than toxic fathers — although they absolutely should not be. Because when it comes to feeling safe and respected by your parents, both as kids and once you become an adult, no one should get a gender pass.
Yet again, since moms so oftentimes do, I thought it would be important to address how to “break the curse” if you happen to have been a victim and now a survivor of a toxic mother — so that you can break the cycle…once and for all.
What Are You Doing…Just Because Your Mama Did It That Way?Giphy
Is it just me or are you also noticing more videos where little children, who can barely even talk, are cussing folks straight out? SMDH. I recently watched one and the mom was in the background just a cackling away; it was borderline vile. Yeah, it’s another message for another time how folks are so obsessed these days with getting online attention/validation, that they will do literally anything — including humiliating their own kids (like that slap-eggs-onto-their-head “challenge”) or teaching them toxic behaviors.
And not to get too deep (because it’s an article all on its own) yet, the reason why most kids will subject themselves to those types of things is, aside from not knowing any better (because their parents are supposed to properly guide them), they want their parents’ validation and approval; that’s how we’re wired. And that’s why we have to be careful about what we teach our kids to do — and not do.
Because when they think certain things will make us happy, it creates patterns that create habits that they will carry well on into their adulthood…oftentimes without them even really thinking about if they actually should do those things or not.
So, take a moment to think about some of the things that you currently do that you know you got from your mother. Let me be more specific: think about things that you do that you’ve never even really stopped to consider if they are right or wrong, if they actually work for you and/or, if you do have kids, if they triggered you on some level when you were their age. Now ask yourself if you’re only doing them because that’s what you’re used to doing and nothing else (substantial).
Because as much as folks are out here talking about, “Well, that’s how my mama always did it,” a part of what comes with being a responsible and accountable adult, is you don’t say and do things because that’s all you know — you say and do things because they are what’s best and right for you and your family. Whether your mama did them or not.
Are You Ready to Draw Some Firm Lines in the Sand?Giphy
When I tell you that I’ve got some relatives and older adults, in general, who wouldn’t know a boundary if it kicked them…HARD? I mean, well into my 30s and 40s, they’ve acted like it was a personal mission of theirs to hear me state a limit and then see how quickly they could move past it. SMDH. For years, I would endure that nonsense because I also grew up in an environment that was full of spiritual narcissism and manipulation. What I mean by that is, they thought that so long as they found some snippet of a Scripture to justify their behavior, I should allow their words and actions to go on.
When you add that to the residual fear that I had of the possibilities of what could happen if I stood ten toes down on my nos, I would allow them to disrespect me. That is until I really took in the fact that they were literally…disrespecting me. And no, I don’t fall for the crap that you love me if you don’t know how to respect me in the process; that is actually gaslighting at its finest.
You don’t have to take my word for it either. Better Help once published an article on toxic mothers (that you can read here) that said that two ways to know that you had/have one is if she invalidates your feelings or disrespects your boundaries (whether as a child and/or as an adult) — which, at the end of the day, are basically one and the same. And really, why do you want to have an intimate relationship with anyone who intentionally disrespects you?
And before you try and defend her by saying something along the lines of, “I don’t think she knows that’s what she’s doing” (chile), here’s your way of confirming it: set some firm boundaries now. If she ignores them, is flippant about them, or tries to throw Scriptures at you to devalue them (like in order to honor her, you shouldn’t tell her “no”…which isn’t even remotely biblical) — guess what? She’s disrespecting you. And if you wouldn’t tolerate that from a partner or friend, how does your mother get a pass?
Not only that but, if you keep allowing the disrespect, what makes you think that it’s going to be easy for you to respect other people’s boundaries? And listen, I’m asking you that question from very up close and personal experience. It can’t be said enough that we oftentimes do what’s familiar not what’s right…so, if you want to be respectful of others, including your own children, you have to walk the talk — you have to require that others respect your boundaries so that you can learn how to respect the boundaries of those around you.
If you don’t, it’s easy to invalidate others’ feelings…even if it’s just because you end up (possibly inadvertently) taking your frustrations and feelings of suffocation out on them because you’re so sick and tired of your mother invalidating yours.
Do You Have Some “Healthy Mother” Mentors?Giphy
One definition of a bitter person is someone who speaks in gross generalities. One man hurt them and suddenly all men are trash. One friend betrayed them and now they live on an internal island. Their mother was toxic and now they’re afraid to have kids because they assume that they will be just like her.
If this is something that you can personally relate to (especially that last point), something that can help to heal you in the generalities/bitterness department is to surround yourself with some mothers who are more like the mom you wish you had or are like the mom you’d like to be someday. If you don’t, you could “program” yourself into thinking that everyone is like your mother is/was and that simply isn’t the case. Or you could end up acting just like your mom in ways that you actually, well, loathe.
As my own journey goes, my maternal grandmother died in her early 50s and my paternal grandmother couldn’t have been more self-consumed and negative (my dad couldn’t stand her and…on some levels, feared her). Interestingly enough, I had some pretty cool great-grandparents yet I had to look for some older women — women who could be walking proof that some women do provide a “warm and cozy” feel and nurturing environment — to teach me how a grandmother is actually supposed to be.
What that did was keep me from expecting my grandmother (and my paternal grandfather’s wife who also was a real trip) from giving what they either couldn’t or didn’t want to (when it comes to toxic people, it’s usually a bit of both). It kept me from constantly feeling angry, resentful, and like life had full-on gypped me in the grandparenting department.
Is it fair that I had to go looking for emotional surrogates to do what my blood should’ve done all along? Eh, probably not. However, I have stories for days on how “love family” can heal you in the very areas where blood family has done a lot of damage — in ways that you would never dream of…if you’re just willing to do a little seeking and remain open in the process. So yeah, it’s totally worth it to seek out some healthy mom (or grandmom) mentors.
Have You Gone to Any Type of Therapy? If Not, Why Not?Giphy
There’s a guy I know who, the more I hear about his childhood, the more confident I am that, not only would therapy help him, but he’s actually repeating certain patterns with his own children because he refuses to get some help. So many people think that so long as they pray and go to church, their childhood trauma will miraculously resolve itself — even though there are verses in the Bible like, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise” (Proverbs 12:15 — NKJV).
Y’all listen: since your mom was probably your greatest influencer and source of information while growing up, in order to break free from whatever dysfunction she handed down to you — shoot, in order to understand what actually was dysfunctional for you — it’s very wise to seek a professional who is trained to help you unpack and process it all.
Another example? I know some older women who are very verbally abusive with their grown children. It’s an occupational hazard for me to “coach folks,” even sometimes when they’re not paying me and so, most of them have told me that their own mother had a very sharp tongue that resulted in them having a sense of low self-worth.
When I ask them if they’ve connected the dots between that and how they speak to their own kids, they will usually say something along the lines of, “I’m not nearly as bad as she was” (umm, you don’t get to decide how you impact another person) and/or “God had delivered me” (umm, not if your kids are telling you that your mouth is off the chain). And when I then mention therapy as a way to make sure that they’re good, they act like I said that they should be institutionalized or something.
You don’t have the time and I don’t have the space to get into how unfortunate it is that so many people within our community have a very unhealthy perspective on therapy. What I will say is, as I’m currently in the process of getting certified to deal with trauma recovery (so that I can take my life coaching to another level), if you want a safe space to deal with your own issues in the area of having a toxic mother as well as be provided with skills to not repeat what you are a survivor of, therapy can help you to do that. It can give you a safe space to speak freely.
It can help you to identify your triggers. It can help you to create beneficial boundaries. It can give you coping skills if you “have to” continue dealing with those who caused you the trauma in the first place. It can also get you on the path of some real healing so that your own children don’t have to bear the brunt of your internalized pain.
I know some people who live by the motto of, “I heal myself” and/or “Church is all I need” — and to both resolves, what I will say is this: If you’re stuck in your pain or inflicting some part of that pain on others, you need to find some other methods of dealing. Therapy has proven benefits, should you decide to go that route.
Go into Your Own Form of “Witness Protection” If Need BeGiphy
For years, my friends have teased me about the kind of boundaries that I have. It’s not uncommon for me to change my number often. I can count on less than five fingers how many people have my address. I don’t deal with a lot of people who deal with folks who have dishonored my boundaries in the past — especially if I have made them aware of that being the case.
In fact, when it comes to some of my own family members, I’ve had to release many people who associate with those same individuals because folks keep trying to “fix” what I have no desire to — and they end up violating my boundaries and wishes as they strive to make what they think is best for me more of a priority than what I have already told them I’ve decided to do. Yep, in many ways, removing yourself from toxicity can feel like you’re in your own version of a witness protection program — oh, but it is so well worth it.
Does this mean that going to this kind of extreme won’t cost you? I mean, it’s cost me. There are funerals I have missed. There are people’s emails I’ve ignored. There are places I don’t go to anymore because, if my violators aren’t there, somebody who is friends with them is trying to revictimize me by putting pressure on me to do more work to “fix things” than the person who actually caused the harm in the first place.
Yeah, one day we’ll have to get into what you should do about people who are close to the individuals who’ve harmed you because, oftentimes, they can do a helluva lot more damage than even your abuser did (by the way, enduring a toxic mother is a form of abuse; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise).
You know, one time, when I did an interview about how firm my boundaries are, the person asked me if I was running away from my demons (so to speak) and letting them win by being as private as I am. My response was, “No. Some of the places where I no longer go had a dark energy to begin with. Why keep being in environments where you have to defend or explain your pain to people who are hellbent on defending or explaining why you shouldn’t do what you need to do to heal and move on from it?”
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the saying, “In order to get something you’ve never had, you have to do something that you’ve never done.” I agree. That’s why I recommend, taking some time to totally disconnect from your toxic mother — even if it’s just for a couple of months. When you’re able to get her voice out of your head, you can hear your own and that can help you to figure out what you need…not what she says that you need. Once you become an adult, she doesn’t get to make those kinds of calls. Once you become an adult, you don’t have to explain why to her either.
Case in point. There’s a life coach in my world who has a horrible relationship with her mother. For months, I made this very recommendation to her and she said that it was too extreme. One day, she hit me up to let me know that her mom went too far with something; in response, she told her that they needed to go a month without speaking. “Shellie, it’s like I can breathe again! That woman had me so on edge all of the time and I realized that it was nothing but fear that prevented me from doing that sooner. That and her always holding, ‘What if I die?’ over my head. She was killing me emotionally and now my husband and kids say that I’m so much easier to be around because she’s not consuming me all of the time.”
You can’t really expect a toxic parent to protect you; if they were able to do that, they probably wouldn’t be considered “toxic” in the first place. As a child, you probably didn’t have any power over your space. As an adult…now you do. And for the sake of yourself and those around you…you should take advantage of that.
This brings me to my final point for today.
Give Those Around You a Voice…About YouGiphy
If you were looking for my final tip to be that you should forgive your toxic mom, I’m hoping that goes without saying. Indeed, I’m a huge fan of forgiveness (which is why I wrote, “Are You A ‘Bad Forgiver’? Read This And See.”) because, I promise you, that when it comes to dealing with toxic people, while you’re thinking that weaponizing forgiveness is getting back at them, more times than not, they couldn’t care less (they’re too unwell to care). Forgiving them is about releasing the hold that they have on you.
Forgiving them is accepting that the past can’t be changed, no matter how much you wish it could. Forgiving them is about knowing what it can do to your physical, emotional, and spiritual health and well-being if you don’t (and it ain’t good — unforgivingness is so bad for you). And forgiving them is maturing yourself to a point where you can hear from others about places where you could stand to improve — so that you don’t end up becoming just like the source(s) of your pain.
Because here’s the thing: more times than not, your mother was/is toxic because her mom was as well…and quite possibly, the mom before that and the mom before that. And you know what? There’s a good chance that all of them said they wouldn’t do what was done to them when they have kids of their own.
Yet because they didn’t apply any of what I’ve already mentioned and because they didn’t humble themselves to hear where they could stand to personally improve…they just kept repeating the cycle and passing the drama and trauma down. And because everyone involved became some level of human wounds, everyone also became too sensitive to hear about the harm that they are causing others as a direct result. And now everyone and everything is a mess.
Here's the thing about that, though — if you’re indeed serious about not being the kind of mother that you had, there’s something you’ve got to do. You’ve got to be willing to listen to those who may tell you that your temper is short, that you are moody as hell, that you don’t seem to take correction well, that you don’t respect their boundaries or some other habit that would be filed under the definition of being “toxic.”
You’ve got to be willing to look into some dark places that your mother didn’t have the courage (or humility) to. You’ve got to be willing to be corrected by those who love you and want to see you win — because that is a part of the process too. Let those who care about you show you some areas where you could stand to grow and evolve. You won’t always like it; still, it can be a real game-changer and lifesaver, on so many levels; especially when it comes to your children (or future children).
Clearly, this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart (I mean, look at how long it is). And while this doesn’t cover all of the ground of how to not become the kind of toxic mother you had, I hope this article does 1) scratch the surface; 2) remind you that you are not alone and 3) give you some hope that you can end the cycle and become 10 times the mother that you had.
It’s not easy yet it is possible. There are too many women I know who are living proof.
Because they were willing to do the work. The kind of work that’s worth it.
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Featured image by Carlos Barquero/Getty Images
- Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members ›
- Here's How To Know If You've Got "Mama Issues" ›
- How I Learned To Create Boundaries With My Toxic Parent ›
- We’ve Said A Word About Toxic Fathers, But Who’s Talking About Toxic Mothers? ›
- You're Grown. Stop Letting Your Parents Treat You Like You're Not. ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
A dead bedroom can kill any relationship. In all long-term, committed relationships, couples experience various phases, from the initial passion to a more complex and enduring connection. Yet, as time passes, sex may decrease, which introduces an issue often referred to as "bed death."
According to Advance Psychology Partners, 'bed death' occurs when individuals in a committed relationship experience a decline in the frequency of sexual activity and fall short of the desires of both or either partner. It is sometimes labeled a "sexless relationship" due to the infrequency of sex. In the U.S., an estimated 20 million people find themselves in such relationships.
This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
Jeff Bergen/ Getty Images
"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
Westend61/ Getty Images
While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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Feature image by Vladimir Vladimirov/ Getty Images