I Am Not Your Ride Or Die: What We All Can Learn From Keri Hilson
"If he ain't putting his hands on you, don't leave."
"All men cheat, at least he is taking care of you."
"Well what did you say or do to make him hit you?"
"What you won't do, another women will."
Raise your hand if you've ever heard any of those statements. If you've ever said or thought any of them. If you have ever been told any of them. If you heard these words as a child directed to a woman who was heartbroken over what the man she loved did to her.
Hands down.
I've heard all of them.
I've identified with all of them.
I've empathized with the person saying these words at one point and I've been disgusted that anyone would think them at another.
I've grown.
I've been down those roads and I've watched other women do the same thing, so when I saw Keri Hilson's recent IG post, I was so happy that someone finally said what many won't.
As we grow older, we are taught to put up with bullshit to keep a man in our lives and in that case, we settle.
While we weren't looking, dating became a race of who can put up with the most and still wear a smile on her face. Who can be cheated on the most often without leaving? Who can be hit and disguise it the best? Who can I lie to without being left? Have the world tell it, love isn't love if it isn't painful or enduring. And really, who sold us that lie?
I've been the girl who has put up with b.s. I've accepted lies when I knew the truth for the sake of moving on and not hurting myself more by asking questions I already knew the answer to. I've been the woman who has chosen loving a man over myself. I've been the one who has followed paths that I knew led to disaster but kept walking because I didn't want to lose. I didn't want to be seen as a quitter. I didn't want him to hurt himself.
I didn't want someone else to have him, the man that I had helped become greater than he'd been when I met him.
I wanted to be the cool girlfriend. The understanding one. I wanted the reward that I thought was at the end of the illusion of a rainbow so I and, so many other women, stayed.
But just as Keri stated, if a man is not going to treat you right, no amount of "punishment," break-up/divorce threats, time apart, or counseling, is going to change him if he doesn't want to change.
It doesn't matter how understanding you act in the situation when deep down your heart is breaking. Nor the amount of phones you break, tires you slash, girls you fight. Either way, when you stay with a man that doesn't deserve you, you are sending him the same message: that you are weak and he can do whatever he wants. Despite your temper tantrum or lackthereof, you show him that are going to stay and he has no reason to change. He can buy a new phone, a new car, find a new woman to cheat on you with, and come back home to ride or die you.
So how do you compete in a world of women who have been taught that settling for less than you deserve is the norm?
The quick answer is: you don't.
What you do is simple. You love yourself and the people who deserve to be in your life will flock to you and give you the same beautiful positive energy that you exhibit. You continue being the woman God called you to be, loving yourself fiercely and loving others with the same ferocity. You let your partner know that you are not his or anyone else's doormat, that the love you have for yourself is so deep, it wouldn't even allow you to continue to be disrespected. You use your intuition to navigate through who is worth being with and who is only wasting your time. You don't allow one man's mistakes to stop a new man from loving or getting close to you.
You won't be with every man you thought was the one and you won't put up with the trauma and tragedy that comes with losing your self-worth by staying with a man who wasn't the one. But you will find the truest of love within yourself and maybe even a partner who sees it just as clearly.
I hope the next time anyone confuses you with a "weak woman," you show them just how strong you are by walking away.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Giphy
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images