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7 Signs You've Evolved From 'Being Chosen' To 'Doing The Choosing' In Relationships
“When you heal, you go from wanting to be chosen to doing the choosing.” This quote came to mind one day while journaling. It had been almost two years of doing the work to heal my inner child wounds. For almost a decade, I spent most of my teenage and young adult years unconsciously looking for someone to rescue me. Someone who would show up for me “full-time” the same way I wanted my caregivers to show up for me full-time.
Yes, I love my parents, and yes, my parents did the best they could with what they had but they weren’t always able to attune to my needs in the way that I needed them to consistently. It was not until I found myself in a cycle of trauma bonds and a pattern of unhealthy relationships that I realized that I was seeking to be chosen.
After experiencing one of the worst heartbreaks of my life, I realized that it couldn’t just be everyone else. There had to be something in me that was making me a match for these experiences. After working with a therapist and doing some inner child work, I realized that I had spent so much time in these unhealthy relationships because I was looking for someone to choose me.
By them choosing me, I was hoping their validation would finally make me feel good about myself. But I realized time and time again after every failed relationship, the reason why I wasn’t being “chosen” had nothing to do with me not being “good enough." It was because I wasn’t choosing myself.
I kept getting into relationships constantly abandoning myself, giving other men the loyalty that I needed to give myself. I would disown my boundaries and shapeshift into whoever they needed me to be to receive love from them.
If they wanted a girl who didn’t “nag” or “complain,” I made sure that I kept my feelings to myself. If they wanted a girl who would turn into their mother, I would make sure that I spent the majority of the relationship fixing and rescuing them from their problems so I didn’t have to deal with my own.
I realized that I had to come face to face with my inner child wounds and grieve what I never received from my parents. It wasn’t until I was able to allow myself to feel that discomfort that I put myself in a position of power to finally give myself the things my wounded inner child was looking for in other people.
Evolving beyond the point of wanting to be chosen to doing the choosing does not happen overnight, but with inner work healing is possible. And how do you know you've entered your healing era? Here are 7 signs that you are shifting from that mindset and a pathway to healing:
1.You have identified your needs and built your confidence in getting those needs met:
When I’m working with my clients 1:1, I constantly remind them that the key to your healing is not only identifying your needs but building your confidence in getting those needs met by giving them to yourself. If you are not aware of your needs, you will become a slave to someone else's standards. And you see where that may lead you, right? When you work on giving your needs to yourself, you're building your confidence in them by being a living example of the standards you would like to see in others.
If you want someone who is honest, when was the last time you were honest with yourself? If you want someone who is consistent, when was the last time you followed through on a promise you made to yourself? Once you start to identify your needs and build your confidence in them, you will start to see that it is possible and you’ll know that it’s possible because you’re a living testimony of it. When you pour into yourself in this way, you will be able to confidently recognize these characteristics in someone else without having to guess. It increases your level of discernment when you’re choosing a partner.
2.You honor your boundaries by standing firm in them:
Boundaries define who we are. They are where we end and another person begins. Boundaries are not barriers to connecting but are simply healthy limits to ensure that we can maintain a healthy sense of self in a relationship with another person. So many people get into relationships trying to melt into another person, disowning their boundaries and standards just to say they have a connection with someone. Nevertheless, a healthy connection has a healthy separation between two people.
Rather than enmeshing with each other, two people in a healthy relationship honor and respect each other's differences in order to preserve the relationship, not push each other away. When you are in a relationship and you do not honor your boundaries, you are not allowing people to see you clearly and experience true intimacy with you. This is why so many of us may find ourselves in unhealthy relationships because the longer you disown your boundaries, the more you hinder the right people from showing up in your life.
3.Your mindset is shifting during the dating process:
When you meet someone new, you are no longer trying to figure out if this person likes you. You’re no longer altering your appearance to please them or ruminating on if this person sees a future with you. When you make this mindset shift, you take your power back. You shift your focus from altering yourself to be “liked” to actually giving yourself and other people the opportunity to see you for who you truly are.
You are also giving yourself an opportunity to see the other person clearly for who they are. You’re paying attention to what qualities they have that may be compatible with you. You’re spending less time ruminating and altering yourself and more time assessing if you like them, rather than focusing on if they like you or trying to change them.
4.You’re more confident in who you are:
When you’re healing, you are embracing who you are authentically. Instead of wearing a mask and performing for love, you’ve taken the time to truly get to know yourself and be unapologetic about it.
5.You are actively healing your inner child wounds:
When you’re healing, you take the time to heal any inner child wounds that may be sabotaging your relationships. Not having boundaries, not accepting people for who they are, and disowning your values become a thing of the past. Although our inner child may have used these coping strategies to ensure our survival in childhood, it’s realizing that your survival is no longer dependent on your parents and it is your responsibility to find healthier ways of connecting. You start to challenge what you’ve always considered “normal” and start to assess if the unhealthy patterns and behaviors you fall into empowering you to get the type of relationship you want.
6.You’re more in tune with your values:
Our values define what is important to us at each stage of our lives. Think about when you were younger, you may have valued things such as playing with friends, creating a hobby for yourself, and going to school. As you get older, your values change as you change. Now as an adult, you may value working long hours in your career or you may value spending more time with family. When we are in tune with our own values, we give ourselves an opportunity to find people who share similar values as us, rather than trying to change or alter people into valuing the things that we value.
Ten times out of ten, our values cannot be compromised. Our values guide our decisions and lead us in the direction of the type of life we want to live. When we are in tune with what is important to us, we can confidently let go of people who may not value the things we value.
7.You offer yourself more grace and compassion:
Healing is hard work. You are discovering all of these parts of yourself that you were completely unaware of. As you are healing, you learn to give yourself more grace and compassion. You understand that you are not always going to get it right and instead of chastising or punishing yourself; you are able to compassionately hold yourself accountable and work towards making a different choice in the future.
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Featured image by Artem Varnitsin/EyeEm/Getty Images
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This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
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Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
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