

6 Signs You're A Relationship Self-Sabotager
There's a guy I know who's the walking definition of intimacy issues. It's not just my personal opinion either. He knows it and readily admits it. No matter how many good women he meets or even dates, he seems to find some sort of way to ruin the dynamic, whether it's platonic or romantic.
If I were to put on my relationship coach hat, I'd say that his past childhood abuse (including sexual abuse) has a lot to do with it. Plus, I think a lot of us, as women, tend to underestimate what a man's first heartbreak is really like for them. Unlike many of us who are resilient when it comes to finding love after loss, many men may experience a first love and a spouse with maybe someone in between. This means three love relationships tops. So, if they don't properly heal from their break-up(s), that too can keep them at bay when it comes to…trying again. Ultimately, they are so scared of being hurt and/or fully trusting someone and/or giving their all that they would rather sabotage—meaning, deliberately destroy—the good that's happening than take a chance that it could all work out for their good.
The good thing about the man I'm referring to is at least he knows he's got an issue. If you're not sure—or you know someone who fits the bill but seems to be in complete and total denial about it—here are some pretty telling signs that "he" is not alone in the relationship sabotaging department. That you—or that someone you know—is right there along with him.
1.You Make Mountains Out of Molehills
Don't sweat the small stuff. It's a simple sentence that is packed full of wisdom. Unfortunately, relationship sabotagers always seem to miss the memo, though. Basically, unless their significant other is perfect—and that's according to the oftentimes totally unrealistic expectations they've set for them—a sabotager is going to constantly critique and nitpick until they pick their relationship totally apart.
To them, they're simply not settling for less but what's really going on is they aren't happy. As a result, they expect others to fill that void. When they are disappointed, they make small things big issues. Plus, since relationship sabotagers suck at forgiveness, it's like watching a few snowballs eventually turn into an avalanche. Or a molehill turn into a mountain.
2.You Look for Problems That Aren’t There
Typically, people who create problems where there really aren't any have some deep-rooted trust issues. It could stem from their childhood (check out "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries with Toxic Family Members") or a previous relationship that went badly. As a result, whether the sabotager realizes it or not, they are borderline paranoid. Basically, they look for signs that their current partner isn't who they say that they are or that the relationship isn't on the up and up.
They decide someone has betrayed them when there are no receipts; not a single one. There is no such thing as human mistakes; everything is a huge character flaw. If their partner is late, they're hiding something. If they hang up the phone when they walk in the room, they're sneaking around.
For a relationship sabotager, they don't know how to relax. They seemingly aren't "happy" unless they are manufacturing some sort of problem—or bracing themselves for one.
3.You Are All Problems and No Solutions
If there's one thing that irks me about social media (and trust me, there's plenty), it's that there's a lot of time devoted to complaining about stuff but not nearly as much energy devoted to coming up with solutions for the complaints. Instead of (more) people taking advantage of the enormous think tanks that are at their disposal, they'd rather bitch and moan. Problems? Oh, they've got time for those. Solutions? Now it's "crickets" in the atmosphere.
The same thing applies to relationship sabotagers. They'll tell their significant other something like, "I just don't feel appreciated in this relationship" or "Something feels 'off' between us" but when their partner asks them to expound or provide suggestions or recommendations to make things better, all the sabotager offers is a Kanye shrug or a blank stare.
People who are all problems and no solutions start off being draining and end up becoming toxic. Healthy individuals want nothing to do with toxic people. Period.
4.You’re a Walking Pressure Cooker
There's someone I used to be fairly close to that I had to end things with. As funny and bright as they were, they were also pop-offs—the kind of pop-offs where you never really knew when their storms were coming. Anything from a phone call to a tweet to something they heard at work could take them from 1-1,000 in under 30 seconds and, unless you were on their side, you ended up catching the heat too.
You know what another term for pop-off is? Emotionally unstable creatures. Although having a pretty bad temper is one sign of being emotionally unstable, so are moody individuals, folks who refuse to admit when they are wrong, people who have a sense of entitlement, commitment-phobes, folks who expect you to read their minds and meet their needs no matter how unrealistic they are and also individuals who refuse to look at things from other perspectives and points of view.
If you are this kind of person, just ask anyone who is close to you and they will tell you that dealing with you is a lot like being in the presence of a pressure cooker. No one wants to feel pressured all of the time. It's just one more way to completely sabotage your relationship.
5.You’re Constantly Wanting Him to “Prove” His Love
Speaking of pressure. Ugh. I'll personally raise my hand in this class and say that when you get to a point in your personal growth and development where you love yourself, you're not spending a lot of time conjuring up ways for someone else to "prove" their love to you. In the beginning of a relationship, you look for signs that someone's character is on the up and up but still, they don't have to really prove anything; they're either a good person or…they're not.
To me, the more productive approach is giving someone the space and time to express their love instead. In order for a man to do that, first you have to be lovable (some women make it hard to be loved because of all of the other stuff that we just discussed) and second, you have to allow things to evolve into love.
This brings me back full circle into why someone having to prove their love is a form of relationship sabotage. People need to prove themselves in order to establish the genuineness and validity of something. If the guy you are seeing knows that's what you are constantly looking for, not only does that basically mean that you don't trust him very much, but it also tends to feel like everything is a test. No one wants to be tested all of the time.
Be careful. If tests are what you're all about, you could be the one who ends up failing—miserably so—in the relationship department.
6.You Think All Men Are the Same
I believe that it's a man by the name of Larry Dixon who once said, "If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary." Agreed. And since all of us are unique with our own individual purposes to fulfill in this life, no two men are just the same.
Unfortunately, I hear more than a handful or two of women who speak to the contrary of this. One guy dogged them out and so their resolve is that all men will. One guy broke their heart, so they keep a wall up because they think that's every man's mission.
If you're the kind of person who goes into relationships with the mindset that every person is just alike, therefore, you're gonna treat them that way…not only are you being extremely unfair but you're setting your relationship up to fail no matter how awesome he is. How? Because you're probably gonna treat each guy like they're the same and, not only is that putting too much pressure on them, but, if they have a good sense of self, it will become offensive as well. Who wants to be in a relationship with an offender—of any sort?!
A wise man once said that if there's one thing all of your exes have in common, it's you. If you notice any of these patterns in your relationship, while it might be hard to accept, there's a huge chance that things keep not working out, not because of "them" but because you have a real knack for sabotaging things.
Which is it, sis?
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
An author by the name of Alexandra Katehakis once said this about orgasms: “Great spiritual teachers throughout the ages have stated that orgasm is the closest some people come to a spiritual experience because of the momentary loss of self. Why is this true? Because with spiritual sex, you move beyond orgasm into a connection with yourself, your partner, and the divine — recognizing them all as one.”
If it’s counterintuitive to what you’ve ever thought about orgasms, believe it or not, there are even pastors who have said that climaxing is the closest comprehension of heaven on this side of it: it is an extreme kind of bliss that is indescribable and is best experienced between two people who share a sacrificial kind of love for one another.
Although this might seem like a heavy way to intro this particular topic, because the O Method is an orgasm-achieving technique that centers around housing energy, embracing the mental practice of manifestation, and the attempt to achieve the best climaxes ever — it all works together pretty well if you ask me. If you want to take your orgasms to the next level, it’s important that you get out of yourself (to a certain extent), that you see the spiritual role that manifestation plays, and that you are open to trying new things. No doubt about it.
So, let’s learn more about what the O Method is all about and how it very well could be just what you’ve been looking for…even if you didn’t know it.
What Is the “O Method” All About?
Question: When’s the last time you’ve had an orgasm? Not just any orgasm — I mean a really mind-blowing one (I’ll give you a second to think about it). Now, what if you could manifest that experience to the point where it wasn’t a rare occurrence but something that happened almost every time that you and your partner had sex with each other? How absolutely awesome would that be?
That is pretty much what the O Method is all about — helping you achieve the kind of orgasms (and sexual pleasure, in general) that you desire through the practice of manifestation. And since your biggest sex organ is your brain, it would make perfect sense that even with all of the tips and techniques that you might learn to do as far as your body is concerned, honing in on what you think about is super imperative to sexual fulfillment, too. And that’s just where manifestation comes in.
What If You’ve Never “Manifested” Anything Before?
Before we get into a quick lesson on manifestation, I think it’s important to mention two things. One, for the cynics, there is a lot of truth in the fact that it’s got some solid spiritual basis to it because even the Good Book says that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). At the same time, that same Good Book tells us that faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26). So, while it is always a good idea to focus on good, positive, and productive thoughts, just thinking about them isn’t enough — at some point, you’ve also gotta get out here and DO something (bookmark that).
Okay, with that mini-sermon out of the way, whether it’s in the bedroom or not, manifestation is basically about focusing on something tangible that you desire, harnessing your energy in such a way that your words and actions are directed towards that longing until what you want, well, manifests. For the record, aside from this having a spiritual backing to it, in many ways, science cosigns on manifesting, too. There is actually a scientific process known as neuroplasticity that consists of reframing your mind so that your actions ultimately end up aligning with your goals — and that is another way to look at manifestation.
So, what if you’re someone who has never set out to do a manifestation practice before? No worries. Something that’s awesome about it is there are several different approaches that you can take.
Some people manifest what they want in their lives via:
- Journaling
- Visualization/Creating vision boards
- Writing down their desires before going to bed (so that they can “download” them into their dream state)
- Creating mantras and affirmations
- Applying the 369 Manifestation Method (you can learn more about that here)
- Meditating
- Learning more about what you want to manifest (which brings forth clarity)
This is important to keep in mind because, when it comes to manifesting the types of orgasms that you want to have, as you can see, you can try different manifestation methods until you find one (or ones) that you are truly comfortable with. One that can ease you into the entire process rather smoothly is something known as sex journaling.
How Sex Journaling Can Actually Help You to Have an Orgasm
As a writer, I’m a big fan of journaling. Mostly because it’s a way to get out some of your deepest thoughts and feelings so that you’re able to really process what is happening inside of you in a private setting. And when it comes to sex journaling, specifically, it’s all about centering yourself on the things sexually that you want to “unpack,” get clarity on or come to some revelations about. For instance, if there’s only been one partner from your past who’s been able to help you achieve the type of orgasms that you wish to manifest, journaling about what makes him different from the other guys can provide you with some solid ah-ha moments.
Or if you need help getting as specific as possible about the sexual experiences that you’re after, journaling can help to make that happen for you — because one thing that manifesting reminds us all to do is be as specific as possible.
Yeah, simply saying, “I want to have better sex” isn’t detailed enough when you want to get your energy to match with your desires — instead, describe how all of your senses should feel in the experience, along with why, that can get you so much closer to achieving your goal. Once those things are documented, you can segue into creating mantras and/or meditation that are based on them. Yeah, sex journaling really is an underrated superpower on a lot of levels (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”).
5 Tips for Making the O Method Work for You
Now that you know more about what the O Method is and how manifestation plays a direct role in its process, let’s talk about five ways to make the O Method truly effective in your own (sex) life.
1. Focus, FULLY, on your feminine energy. What do rose quartz, amethyst, moonstone (which is a Gemini birthstone as well; yes, I’m a Gemini), selenite, and rhodonite all have in common? They’re crystals that help you to go deeper into your divine feminine energy. Traits that are associated with this include compassion, creativity, kindness, gentleness, and sensuality (feminine energy is also accepting and forgiving). If you were to study energy from a biological standpoint, it’s about producing change, responding to stimuli, and having the ability to do what needs to be done (work). So, when it comes to manifesting the kind of orgasms or sexual experiences that you want, using things like your creativity and gentleness in your thoughts and actions can play a role in bringing balance to your partner’s masculinity, which can create a profound sense of pleasure — after all, opposites do attract.
2. Don’t hold back on what it is that you desire. Whenever I interview sex therapists, something that they all say is, a huge mistake that people make as far as sexual satisfaction is concerned is, they have walls up — not just with their partners but even within themselves. Sometimes, there is intimidation, fear, or even shame around what they really want to happen during sex to the point where they aren’t able to channel their energy fully in those directions in order to manifest what they want. For the O Method to work, you can’t let those types of negative emotions hinder you; the more you are able to articulate what you want and how you want it, the better chance you have of making it happen. So yes, get graphic. As graphic as possible.
3. Make manifestation a daily practice. Repetition is important when it comes to manifestation. That’s because the more you declare what you desire (a mantra), get still and think on it (meditation), or look at the “art” that you’ve created surrounding it (visualization), the quicker it becomes a part of you. So yes, make manifestation a daily practice. For instance, if one of your mantras is, “I am going to have intensely passionate orgasms, one right after the other,” don’t just state that 15 minutes before sex is going to happen. Wake up and declare it. Then say it on your lunch break. And again before turning in. The more your thoughts are “streamlined” in this way, the easier it will be for your body to follow suit.
4. Share this practice with your partner. If you were to do even more research on the O Method, one thing that most of the articles will mention is it’s a practice that you can do alone or with your partner. Indeed. However, I just want to make sure that you get into your psyche that great sex is, in part, about good communication. And so, the more comfortable you are sharing with your partner what you are doing as far as the O Method is concerned and what you ultimately want to happen as a result of the practice, the easier it will be for him to “match your energy” — both in and out of the bedroom. And when your partner is on the same page as you? That definitely increases the chances of attaining your sexual desires — exponentially so.
5. Stay in the moment. While I was reading one article on manifestation, I really appreciated something that the author said: manifestation isn’t some supernatural power. In other words, while it can be beneficial, it’s not like you can just think of something, and it instantly appears out of nowhere. Manifesting is a discipline, and it must be accompanied by action, consistency, and patience — this means that you must also practice mindfulness. Meaning, now that you know better what you’re looking to achieve as far as sex is concerned, every time that it transpires, maintain a level of positive energy, remember what your end goal is, and then determine in your mind to enjoy the moments as they come. Remember, manifestation isn’t to add stress…it’s to cultivate clarity.
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At the end of the day, the O Method is simply a way of reminding you that your mind plays a huge role in your sexual pleasure, and when you channel it and your energy exactly where you want them both to go, you’ll be amazed what your body is capable of doing…and accomplishing.
So, what kind of orgasm are you wanting to achieve? You’ve got a tool to get you there. USE IT.
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