If there are two things I think a lot of us heard while growing up that subconsciously programmed us to make unwise choices where our hearts are concerned it's, "He only mistreats you because he likes you," and, "Don't be so focused on whether or not you're attracted to someone that you miss out on a really nice guy."
That first statement? Many of us heard that as children. By the way, a little boy doesn't mistreat a little girl because he likes her. Usually, he does it either because he wasn't taught how to treat little girls or because he's not mature enough to know how to express himself. And little boys who aren't redirected from this way of acting grow up to be men who do the same thing.
That second one? I'm willing to bet a lot of us still hear that to this day, whether it's from our nosey auntie who's trying to figure out why we're single, the church lady who thinks that since she took that advice it should apply to all of us, or our mom who is waiting for us to give her some grandchildren.
I know I personally heard that a lot while growing up in the church. Whenever a cutie would break my heart, some woman somewhere would either flat-out tell me (or somehow imply) that if I wanted a good man, his looks would have to take the backseat. If I wanted to be treated well, I'd have to settle for someone who wasn't aesthetically-pleasing but was indeed a nice guy.
And you know what? A couple of times I fell for that totally dysfunctional way of thinking.
I allowed individuals who really didn't know what the heck they were talking about convince me that when it came to love, I either had to choose a fine man or a kind man—both simply did not co-exist.
As a result, I wasted my time and the time of certain men in my life who were as sweet as pie but also weren't what I was fully drawn to. I let how nice (pleasing, agreeable, pleasant) and kind (benevolent, helpful, considerate, gentle and loving) a man was to me make me overlook other things that I wanted. Y'all, at the end of the day, even being with someone just because he's a "nice guy" is a form of settling. And to make a man feel like he's some sort of consolation prize for what I really want? That's not nice. It's mean. Very much so.
Why am I sharing all of this with you? It's because, ever since I can remember, I have watched women on screens and heard women I know claim that the reason why they've let some really good men get away is because they are "too nice". While there are some women who sadly seem to get off on being mistreated, who seem to think that masculinity and some forms of abuse go hand in hand, I think there are even more women who are actually trying to convey something totally different. The real issue isn't that the good man they aren't into is too nice.
I'll give you a personal example of what I mean. When I think about a particular someone I dated, who I wasn't really attracted to but seemed too nice to not at least give things a shot, once the relationship ended and folks asked me what was up, sometimes what came out of my mouth was, "He was too nice" when that wasn't really the case at all. The real issue was I wasn't attracted, I was bored, he didn't really thrill me—he simply wasn't "it".
But since I was programmed to believe that fine men will dog you and nice guys are less than appealing, I chalked it up to mean that a guy I'm not into must be "too nice", when the reality is simply that I want more than just a nice or kind man.
The reason why I use the word "programmed" is because even my own mom has said to me, virtually all of my life, "I just want a kind man for you." I get that. It's wise to want to be with someone kind. But when I reflect on the men she wanted for me, every single one of them made my stomach hurt. It's not that they weren't attractive in their own way. Not at all. But the thought of spending the rest of my life with them? Listen, marriage is too serious and (is supposed to last) too long to start off not being physically and sexually into your partner. And I wasn't interested in ANY of them in that way.
Whenever I expressed that, I was basically told that I was being superficial; that one day I would realize that looks aren't everything (sex either) and I'd wish that, rather than being alone, I'd gone for the nice guy. Maybe, but that never really or fully set well with me. There had to be more to it than that.
Then one day, without even really looking for him, I met a man. He's the kind of guy that old and young women, white and Black women, men (including straight men) can all agree that he is quite the specimen to behold. You know what else? He's soooo nice. He's also brilliant, funny, ambitious, generous, spontaneous, fun, good to his mama, a gentleman—the list goes on and on.
Before you get excited for me, we're just friends. Good friends but still, it's only meant to be platonic (my choice). Yet some people come into our lives to remind us that everything we're looking for does indeed exist. We don't have to settle for one or the other. We can get the whole shebang.
My oh so very fine and kind friend helped me come to the ah-ha moment of my not wanting to be with a man because "he's too nice" was really my way of saying "he's really great in the nice department but what about everything else? Sure, he's mega-kind but that's kind of all that stands out about him." To me.
Understanding that this is what was really going on beneath the surface has helped me to realize that I'm not someone who only wants a good-looking guy nor am I a woman who would rather have a bad boy than a good man. I'm simply someone who desires balance. Be fine and nice. Be super-masculine and kind. Don't be just good-looking and also don't be just a nice guy. BE BOTH.
Going for someone just because of the physical or sexual is shallow. At the same time, forcing yourself to be with someone just because he's nice is unhealthy. It's unhealthy because it can cause you to think that nice and kind men don't come in the packaging you truly desire. And that is simply not true.
Again, I know some women who turn down nice guys because they aren't very nice to themselves; that's another article for another time. But if, like me, you've been saying "he's too nice" when what you really mean to say is "the only thing I really like about him is how nice he is", I give you permission to reframe your way of thinking and let go of the guilt or second thoughts related to letting the nice guy go and moving on.
I get it now. It's not that I'm turned off by nice guys. It's simply that I want more—A LOT MORE—than that. Unapologetically so. Nice is A quality that I want in a man but it's not THE only one.
Church ladies, I'll wait until I get it all. Thank you very much.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
These Dating Habits Are Why You're Still Single - Read More
Can Having A Type Hold Your Love Life Back? - Read More
Dating For Potential & When To Say When - Read More
- 7 Types Of Men To Avoid - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 7 Types Of Men To Avoid - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 6 Signs You're A Sexually Mature Woman - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Do women really go for 'bad boys'? Here's the science that settles ... ›
- Dear 'nice guys™': this is why I don't want you – Athena Talks ... ›
- 37 Women Explain What Self-Proclaimed 'Nice Guys' NEVER Seem ... ›
- 9 reasons women are turned off by "nice guys" - Toggle ›
- Are Nice Guys Really Unappealing? | HuffPost ›
- Why you get turned off when someone shows too much interest ... ›
- Why Nice Guys Are Really Just Men That Women Aren't Ready For ›
- Nice Guys Turning You Off? | Dr. Diana Kirschner | YourTango ›
- A relationship expert explains why women are so put off by nice guys ›
- Women Who Are Turned Off By Nice Guys | Psychology Today ›
RELATED
Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images