

My Eureka Moment For Why I’m Not Into 'Nice Guys'
If there are two things I think a lot of us heard while growing up that subconsciously programmed us to make unwise choices where our hearts are concerned it's, "He only mistreats you because he likes you," and, "Don't be so focused on whether or not you're attracted to someone that you miss out on a really nice guy."
That first statement? Many of us heard that as children. By the way, a little boy doesn't mistreat a little girl because he likes her. Usually, he does it either because he wasn't taught how to treat little girls or because he's not mature enough to know how to express himself. And little boys who aren't redirected from this way of acting grow up to be men who do the same thing.
That second one? I'm willing to bet a lot of us still hear that to this day, whether it's from our nosey auntie who's trying to figure out why we're single, the church lady who thinks that since she took that advice it should apply to all of us, or our mom who is waiting for us to give her some grandchildren.
I know I personally heard that a lot while growing up in the church. Whenever a cutie would break my heart, some woman somewhere would either flat-out tell me (or somehow imply) that if I wanted a good man, his looks would have to take the backseat. If I wanted to be treated well, I'd have to settle for someone who wasn't aesthetically-pleasing but was indeed a nice guy.
And you know what? A couple of times I fell for that totally dysfunctional way of thinking.
I allowed individuals who really didn't know what the heck they were talking about convince me that when it came to love, I either had to choose a fine man or a kind man—both simply did not co-exist.
As a result, I wasted my time and the time of certain men in my life who were as sweet as pie but also weren't what I was fully drawn to. I let how nice (pleasing, agreeable, pleasant) and kind (benevolent, helpful, considerate, gentle and loving) a man was to me make me overlook other things that I wanted. Y'all, at the end of the day, even being with someone just because he's a "nice guy" is a form of settling. And to make a man feel like he's some sort of consolation prize for what I really want? That's not nice. It's mean. Very much so.
Why am I sharing all of this with you? It's because, ever since I can remember, I have watched women on screens and heard women I know claim that the reason why they've let some really good men get away is because they are "too nice". While there are some women who sadly seem to get off on being mistreated, who seem to think that masculinity and some forms of abuse go hand in hand, I think there are even more women who are actually trying to convey something totally different. The real issue isn't that the good man they aren't into is too nice.
I'll give you a personal example of what I mean. When I think about a particular someone I dated, who I wasn't really attracted to but seemed too nice to not at least give things a shot, once the relationship ended and folks asked me what was up, sometimes what came out of my mouth was, "He was too nice" when that wasn't really the case at all. The real issue was I wasn't attracted, I was bored, he didn't really thrill me—he simply wasn't "it".
But since I was programmed to believe that fine men will dog you and nice guys are less than appealing, I chalked it up to mean that a guy I'm not into must be "too nice", when the reality is simply that I want more than just a nice or kind man.
The reason why I use the word "programmed" is because even my own mom has said to me, virtually all of my life, "I just want a kind man for you." I get that. It's wise to want to be with someone kind. But when I reflect on the men she wanted for me, every single one of them made my stomach hurt. It's not that they weren't attractive in their own way. Not at all. But the thought of spending the rest of my life with them? Listen, marriage is too serious and (is supposed to last) too long to start off not being physically and sexually into your partner. And I wasn't interested in ANY of them in that way.
Whenever I expressed that, I was basically told that I was being superficial; that one day I would realize that looks aren't everything (sex either) and I'd wish that, rather than being alone, I'd gone for the nice guy. Maybe, but that never really or fully set well with me. There had to be more to it than that.
Then one day, without even really looking for him, I met a man. He's the kind of guy that old and young women, white and Black women, men (including straight men) can all agree that he is quite the specimen to behold. You know what else? He's soooo nice. He's also brilliant, funny, ambitious, generous, spontaneous, fun, good to his mama, a gentleman—the list goes on and on.
Before you get excited for me, we're just friends. Good friends but still, it's only meant to be platonic (my choice). Yet some people come into our lives to remind us that everything we're looking for does indeed exist. We don't have to settle for one or the other. We can get the whole shebang.
My oh so very fine and kind friend helped me come to the ah-ha moment of my not wanting to be with a man because "he's too nice" was really my way of saying "he's really great in the nice department but what about everything else? Sure, he's mega-kind but that's kind of all that stands out about him." To me.
Understanding that this is what was really going on beneath the surface has helped me to realize that I'm not someone who only wants a good-looking guy nor am I a woman who would rather have a bad boy than a good man. I'm simply someone who desires balance. Be fine and nice. Be super-masculine and kind. Don't be just good-looking and also don't be just a nice guy. BE BOTH.
Going for someone just because of the physical or sexual is shallow. At the same time, forcing yourself to be with someone just because he's nice is unhealthy. It's unhealthy because it can cause you to think that nice and kind men don't come in the packaging you truly desire. And that is simply not true.
Again, I know some women who turn down nice guys because they aren't very nice to themselves; that's another article for another time. But if, like me, you've been saying "he's too nice" when what you really mean to say is "the only thing I really like about him is how nice he is", I give you permission to reframe your way of thinking and let go of the guilt or second thoughts related to letting the nice guy go and moving on.
I get it now. It's not that I'm turned off by nice guys. It's simply that I want more—A LOT MORE—than that. Unapologetically so. Nice is A quality that I want in a man but it's not THE only one.
Church ladies, I'll wait until I get it all. Thank you very much.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Try This “I Am” Manifestation Technique To Make Your Desires A Reality Faster
We all have a dream life that we spend our free time daydreaming about. You know, the one with a loving partner, high-rise apartment, thriving career, and endless abundance. But as much as we can dream about it, there has to be a little extra sprinkle of “magic” to make it become a reality, and that’s when manifestation comes in.
The uptick in manifestation techniques is nothing new to the internet. Since The Secret and the Law of Attraction became available on YouTube in the early 2010s and fast forward to today, where #manifestationtok and #spiritualtok surging in popularity, it’s clear that there are a number of different ways to get what you want out of life with the right action, affirmation, and visualization.
Still, with so many ways to manifest, from scripting to the 3-6-9 Method, it can be hard to know which one to lean into. But there’s one new technique that’s promising to yield “instant results,” and we’re curious about it.
The "I Am Sure" Manifestation
@hothighpriestess Replying to @A I M E E 🖤 lG: hothighpriestess 🤍 this is the “I am sure” method #iamsuremethod
The “I Am Sure” manifestation gained traction this summer by TikTok creator Sara Perl of @hothighpriestess, who initially introduced the method.
In her original video breaking down the concept, she detailed the steps to use the technique for those looking to “manifest overnight.” To do so, start by stating “I am sure,” followed by “your desired manifestation in the present tense.” If there’s a job, promotion, or text from a crush that you want, then you’d say, “I am sure that I got X job,” or “I am sure that I make a $100K salary.” Repeat this out loud 10 times, or for faster results, write them down on a piece of paper and say it back to yourself whenever the desire comes up.
Using your words and speaking in the present tense, affirmatively, “puts you in the frequency that has that desire,” as Perl states. “We know our thoughts create our reality, but our words create our reality even faster.”
No matter how you choose to manifest your dream life, there’s nothing like channeling a powerful affirmation and some faith to get what you desire. In every instance, though, allow yourself to dismiss any doubt that may try to cloud your hopes in good things coming into your life, and don’t hold too tightly onto the “how” or “when.” Trust the process and know that the “thing” that you desire is just waiting for the perfect time to enter your life.
Happy manifesting.
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Featured image by Tassii/Getty Images