Dating For Potential & When To Say When
When it comes to matters of the heart, I've found that in many cases, people show us who they are long before we, ourselves, choose to see it.
Before we're ever blinded by love. Before we even see the prospect of love coming, we're overwhelmed by thoughts of potential and even more so, overwhelmed by our ability to unearth this potential from the next person. This, potential, is typically the thing that allows us to ignore the blood-red flags that come at us like darts in the beginning of relationships that we eventually convince ourselves became shaky overnight, when in reality they were never built on solid ground. Just on potential.
However, for every couple of horror stories we've heard about choosing a mate based on potential we've heard a fairytale or two. You've heard about the woman who stayed down while her man was down and out, and eventually reaped the benefits of this unrelenting loyalty. The other side to this story and the part that we all fear, is being the woman who stays down and ends up with a do-nothing type of man. Shamyra Howard, a licensed therapist specializing in sex and relationships confirms that it's not uncommon for women to feel pressure to remain with a partner who has "potential" in order to prove her loyalty and support. And, none of us want the latter.
Leaving me to wonder, can dating a person solely based on charm or any other stunning characteristic combined with potential ever lead us to the promise lands of a healthy, symbiotic relationship?
To bluntly answer these questions, Howard reminds us of one major fact: most humans possess potential.
She further elaborates, explaining, "Potential is great, but how a person uses their potential is way more important than just possessing it. Potential is having the will and skill to be effective. Reality is actionable proof of how will and skill is executed. My family would never eat if they solely relied on my potential to cook everyday!"
Her advice? Well, really it's simple: "Don't fall in love with someone's potential, fall in love with their reality." She along with several other relationship experts warn us against dating on the merit of potential that hasn't been backed by action.
However, should you try your hand at choosing a mate on the strength of potential, make sure that it's flourishable. In other words, certified relationship coach J.L. Kirkwood, suggests that you get out the moment a person's potential isn't paired with actions that lead to growth.
"If you are with a person who says they are going to do something and doesn't keep their word — has a lack of consistency, cannot find self-motivation, isn't interested in taking his career or relationship to the next level, doesn't have direction, then you may have to begin looking elsewhere."
Kirkwood adds, "This is especially true if you're leveling up. In the end, this person could begin to bring you down. It's draining trying to keep pulling the train along with no help."
As far as potential is concerned, it seems that there's really only one thing to be said about it: actions speak louder than words — a universal truth that we should hold onto. For better or worse.
Featured image by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images