Never fall in love with someone’s potential. Lawd, if there’s a sentence that makes absolutely no sense to me — one that has been making its rounds for decades at this point, one that has gotten so much louder since social media — it’s this one. Folks are really out here thinking that they are being insightful, profound, and hell, even realistic by basically saying that if you want to have a long-term relationship, you should avoid anyone who is a work in progress. SMDH.
Meanwhile, I can’t tell you how many articles (which are actually more like testimonies) I’ve read, from both men and women, that a part of what made them choose who they did and love them in the way that they do now is because that particular individual was willing to invest in what? THEIR POTENTIAL.
Two men who immediately come to mind are actor Denzel Washington and director Ryan Coogler. Money was tight for Denzel when he and his wife Pauletta went on their first date. So much, in fact, that she actually covered the cab fare. A whopping 40 years later, they’re still married. During Ryan Coogler’s humble beginnings, it was actually his then-girlfriend-now-wife Zinzi who purchased his first filmmaking software while he was playing football on a scholarship. I’m pretty sure that most of you all know how that turned out for him — well, them.
So yeah, I’m not interested in people venting, ranting, or advising that people not get involved with someone based on their potential. At this point, I think the saying has gotten so popular that folks don’t even really get what potential means or how it can actually be a wise move to do just that. Because, as author Roy T. Bennett once said, “Believe in your infinite potential. Your only limitations are those you set upon yourself.” And listen, if we’re supposed to see ourselves through this kind of lens, why wouldn’t we extend this same type of care and consideration for others?
For the skeptics, I’ll go deeper, though.
First Up, Let’s Define “Potential”
- Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am pretty word-literal. So, let’s start all of this out by revisiting what the definition, and some synonyms, of the word “potential” actually are.
Potential: (adj.) possible, as opposed to actual; capable of being or becoming; (n) possibility; potentiality; a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed
Synonyms: hidden, likely, future, conceivable, probable, dormant, embryonic, thinkable, plausible, undeveloped, unrealized, imaginable
You know what immediately comes to mind when I take in all of what potential means? The biblical definition of faith: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1 — NKJV) While we’re here, hope means “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” Yeah, don’t get me preachin’ about the fact that when you have faith in something that has not yet manifested, that doesn’t always mean that you’re going to get your way; hope tells us that having faith in something or someone is about EITHER knowing that you can have what you want OR that things will turn out for the best. Best means “of the highest quality, excellence, or standing” and “most advantageous, suitable, or desirable.”
So, when you put all of this together, something (or someone) that has potential is something (or someone) that is capable of being or becoming something — there are things within that are hidden yet likely, dormant yet conceivable, undeveloped yet probable. And by having faith in this reality and then investing in it, you are confident that things will either turn out in the way that you want them to…or in a way that will work even more to your advantage, one way or another.
With the foundation established, let’s keep building...
What Potential in a Relationship Looks Like
GiphyLet’s go back to Ryan and Zinzi Coogler for a moment. Back when he was playing college football (on scholarship from what I’ve read), clearly there was a love that he had brewing for film, and Zinzi saw that in him; there was a seed, and she watered it — and it’s a huge understatement to say that the seed grew. Okay, so that’s something that should go on record about people and their potential: something has to exist, even if it's in an embryonic stage, in order for anyone to recognize it and then nurture it.
And why is this relevant? Because I think that when a lot of people say that you should stop dating potential, what they mean is you shouldn’t pour into something that isn’t there. For instance, getting into a relationship with a guy who has told you that he has no interest in getting married (or marrying you) and yet staying anyway, believing that there is some “potential” there — how is that possible? Potential means that something exists…and he told you that what you desire doesn’t. And basically, that is a total waste of your time (check out “Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?” and “‘National All Or Nothing Day’ Reminds Us That Sometimes It Needs To Be Just That”). On the flip side, if there’s a guy you’re interested in, he’s interested in you too, he knows you want to be married someday, and he’d prefer to wait until he’s more financially stable and secure — there is some potential there.
With that being said, potential in a relationship also tends to come with some sort of plan. Yeah, that’s one of the reasons why I like Wale’s song “Matrimony” so much. When Usher sings the hook and says that his lady has his heart, a part of the reason why she knows that is because he’s making plans for her. Y’all, when a relationship has some real potential to it, some actual possibilities, if there is a real future there, there are gonna be some expressed plans — and some follow-through. Not necessarily according to your timing, yet there will be some movement. That is, if both people are taking the potential of where things could go literally and seriously — not one of you…BOTH OF YOU.
Next point.
Do You Have a Problem with “Potential” or Are You Just an IMPATIENT Person?
Yeah...she's preachin' right here. And it's an excellent intro to this particular point that I'm about to make.
As someone who has over 18 years in the game of working with couples at this point, whenever the topic of potential has come up, what I’ve often realized (especially when it comes to women) is there tends to be a lot of impatience going on. Meaning, when a woman will say, “I don’t date potential,” what they tend to mean is they’re not going to wait for what they want to have immediately to come into fruition. And so, in their mind, they think that putting that declaration out into the atmosphere will rush things along — oftentimes prematurely. And as a wise person said, “The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing.”
Example. Say that you’re seeing a guy who you really like. The challenge is you’ve always wanted a “6-6-6 guy” (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”), and he’s currently in med school, so his finances are super tight. Are you gonna toss the possibilities of what could be aside because he doesn’t have present money yet the POTENTIAL is there? Are you really that impatient?
Here’s another scenario. I can’t tell you how many women email me to say that they’ve met someone who they’re diggin’ on the surface, and yet, since the guy isn’t exactly “their type,” they are literally talking themselves out of seeing how far things could go. Are you soimpatient that you can’t go on a few more dates in order to find out instead of just assuming that, since some things are presently unrealized (remember, that’s a synonym of potential), there’s no point taking things any further? You know, I Corinthians 13:1 tells us that love is patient. One definition of patient is understanding; a definition of patience is “an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.”
Y’all are grown and gonna do what you want. My two cents? Don’t be out here so caught up in “not dating potential” that you end up being your biggest obstacle towards ultimately getting what you truly desire — what you could have if you’d only be willing to understand that some things do require time. Like it or not, that’s how life works.
Finding Your Complement Helps to Keep “Potential” in Balance
GiphyOkay, so how do you know when you’re moving in the extreme when it comes to loving someone’s potential? Chile, when I tell you that my third book will be touching on that in a very mighty way. There’s a guy from my past who…let’s just say that we had a TON of potential. I saw it. He saw it. People who knew us and even strangers who observed us would say it to us. It was kinda wild. Problem was, even though our connection had a ton of potential, what he wanted out of life when it comes to relationship goals vs. what I did were very different — they didn’t complement one another. And so, 1000 percent, I ended up wasting a colossal amount of time because I was hanging on to the potential of the connection while not paying attention to the reality of the relationship based on how he viewed marriage vs. how I did.
Yeah, making sure that you’re investing into your complement is crucial. By definition, when something complements you, it literally helps to complete you. Not so much in that rom-com Jerry Maguire kind of way (the real ones know) because, in order for a relationship to be healthy, two complete people, within themselves, need to be together. I mean “complete” in the sense of helping to bring some resolve and conclusion to things.
If you need me to expound, what I mean by that is — if a committed long-term relationship is a desire/goal of yours, your complement will help to complete that. You won’t be dating for years on end (check out “Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married”). There won’t need to be a billion conversations about where things are going. You won’t have to question if you’re both on the same page. He will want to “finish” the current season as quickly and realistically (not either or, both) as he can so that you can start the next one. Yep, potential and completion are intimate partners. So are completion and conclusion.
Now, one more thing before I get out of your hair when it comes to this topic.
Loving Someone’s Potential Is What a Healthy Relationship Is All About
GiphyAnother reason why it irks me so much whenever people profess to not date potential is because, since I know what the word means, it actually sounds hella arrogant. Why? Because ALL OF US ARE A VESSEL OF POTENTIAL. No one has reached all of their goals. No one is walking perfection. No matter who any of us choose to be with, if they are good and right for us (not either/or…both), they are going to challenge us to become a better version of ourselves.
So, do you know what that means — you’re always going to be dating/courting/married to potential…and whoever you’re with is going to be doing the same.
If you don’t want to accept that reality, your best bet is to remain single (which certainly has its benefits) because you’re not going to be a very good partner when it comes to helping another person become a better version of themselves…which is a HUGE purpose behind being in a relationship in the first place.
Indeed, a hill that I will forever die on is a healthy relationship, a solid connection, true love, at the end of the day, will show fruit of two people who saw POTENTIAL in one another, nurtured what they saw, and thrived, and flourished, over and over again, because of their mutual support, investment, and commitment into that potential.
So yeah, clearly, I am someone who, eight times out of 10, totally rolls my eyes whenever someone rah-rahs about not wanting to “date potential.” If the possibilities are there, if some plans are discussed, if signs of said plans are being executed, and there is patience during these seasons— that is just how a relationship operates and functions.
Bottom line, don’t date what isn’t there at all.
Date what has a seed that you are capable of watering…as the same thing is done for you.
You know, dating potential has made some mind-blowing things happen for people.
Ask Pauletta. Ask Zinzi. ‘Nuf said.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
Jeff Bergen/ Getty Images
"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
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While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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