If you're anything like me, you've got a list of all the things you want in a man. Maybe it's that he is tall, ambitious, and spiritual. Or that he's romantic and treats his mom well. But I'd venture to say that nowhere on that list did you pencil in "must have kid from prior relationship." In fact, it's probably quite the opposite.
Yet, realistically, adding the "no kid" requirement to your list of must-haves could have a huge impact on your dating pool. A recent study by John Hopkins indicates that 63% of men who reported a birth had at least one child outside of marriage…and that's A LOT of men.
Based on this information, there is a high possibility that you will bump into a cutie you vibe with, only to find out that he has a kid.
Rather than immediately throwing the whole man away, there are four considerations that women should evaluate on a case by case basis.
What kind of father is he?
Someone once told me that the best way to determine whether or not I should become serious with a man was to imagine him being the father of my child. She encouraged me to ask myself whether his personality traits, work ethic, and character embodied the type of man I would choose to forever influence a little life I loved.
Ironically, that thought process helped me scratch off lots of guys from my dating list. And even more ironic was that seeing the love my husband had for our son confirmed that he was someone I could trust to lead my family.
Watching him do things like drive a total of 16 hours to make it to his son's birthday party and back home in time for work the next day, showed me the lengths he'd go to for someone he loved. Pay close attention to the type of Dad your guy is to his child. It says a lot about how he values important relationships.
What is the dynamic between your guy and the mother of the child?
The world stereotypes blended families as full of drama. However, I've also witnessed peaceful situations where people make it work. Like anything, there will be growing pains and tough times.
The standard is not perfection, but you should be on the lookout for mutual respect between parents. Take note of whether the situation is fairly fresh and how they communicate with each other.
There is no one size fits all solution for the dynamic that works best. The key is to pay attention to the interactions and determine whether you can live with them if they stayed the same forever.
How do you fit in?
As I got more serious with my husband, I loved that he made sure I never felt second. In every situation, he's got my back and values my emotions.
Sure, kids demand a ton of attention. But that doesn't mean that you should be sidelined as a result.
Reconsider moving forward if you always feel like a second-class citizen who comes after the demands of the child, or if the mother of the child dictates how the guy interacts with you. However, be sure that you are being realistic and reasonable in your expectations. An accountability partner can often be helpful for a self-check.
Who are you, really?
It takes a special woman to step in as a bonus mom. Check the content of your heart. Under the right circumstances, could you be selfless enough to love a child you did not birth as if he or she is your own?
Thinking through these questions will help you determine if your issue is with having an extra life to love, or largely centered on avoiding drama. If it is the latter, love could be right around the corner with an open mind and the proper amount of vetting.
Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole articles:
Blended Family: How To Be A Better Bonus Mom
Jada Pinkett Smith's Co-Mothering Conversation With Will Smith's Ex-Wife Was Powerful
This Ex-Couple Turns Pain into Power After Reading Letters to Each Other's Spouses
Mashonda & Alicia Keys' Co-Mothering Relationship Is A Reminder That Blended Families Can Be Lit
Featured image by Getty Images
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- Dating a man with kids - eharmony Relationship Advice ›
- What it's like dating a man who already has kids ›
- Dating a Guy With Kids? 6 Things You Must Find Out! | HuffPost ›
- Best advice I ever got for dating a guy with kids: Be like a cat, not a dog ›
- What You Should Know About Dating a Man With Children | HuffPost ›
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
