I got married in March and immediately jumped into Bonus Mom mode a few weeks later when our son, Dillon, came down to visit for spring break. From that trip, I said to myself, "Piece of cake! I've got this down packed!"
Oh, but summer came, and the first few weeks humbled me in ways that made me question if I was doing anything right!
Time went on and I gradually moved passed my "new mom" jitters. But along the way, summer grew me by teaching me what it means to be a bonus mom when you merge lives with a partner who has kids. Because I am still mastering these golden nuggets, writing this post is just as much positive reinforcement for myself as it is for you. And I believe drilling these things into your mind is a great way to keep you in a good space and help you grow as a bonus parent.
Read on to learn the seven things every bonus mom should know.
Expect An Adjustment Period
Since Dillon lives long distance, we miss out on the consistent interaction that I wish we had.
As summer started, I noticed that he seemed more disengaged from me than he was during his previous visit. This was initially disappointing because it felt like I was starting over. I wondered what triggered the relapse and even felt like I was spinning my wheels trying to build the relationship.
But as time passed, he couldn't help going back to the kid who crawls up next to me for movie night or asks if he can go with me to do random things. He drifted back to the carefree kid that talks my head off about the most recent happening that I should be in the know about.
Dillon went back to the car DJ who puts me up on what the young people are listening to these days. He started requesting family nights, sleepovers, and quality time. He went back to normal. And when I thought about it, he ALWAYS does.
From this thought, I realized that I should expect an adjustment period. It is different going from one house to another, especially when you add in the dynamic of a newbie being there. Although it never feels good when he is totally curving me, doing my part means being understanding to the adjustment until it turns into a seamless transition.
Kids Are Good Judges Of Character
I believe the reason that the bond between me and Dillon is always rekindled is because children are a good judge of character.
Children observe the way you care for them and how you respond to certain situations. I believe Dillon knows that I love him and that I will ensure that he has what he needs when he is in my care.
Why? He has seen it.
Children know how you feel about them by how you treat them. Keeping this at the forefront of your mind is a great way to avoid going crazy over all the small things that do not matter in the big scheme of things.
Be Consistent
Consistency is key with children.
Dillon taught me that children's expectations are based on repeated behaviors. For example, I am primarily responsible for being the fun parent.
Our first extended trip together consisted of me taking him to do a million and one things. I continued that tradition through the next few times we connected, so naturally, when he came down for the summer and I told him I actually had to work, he tilted his head to the side and said, "Oh, I get it. You are trying to surprise me! You're not serious right?"
Because I consistently did fun things when he came down, he was caught off guard by the idea of sitting still for a few days. It didn't matter to Dillon that he doesn't necessarily do fun things every day at home, it mattered that he felt I was being inconsistent.
My husband and I enrolled Dillon in more summer camps than he could fathom, alleviating pressure to balance work with a trip to the arcade or the trampoline park every day. However, this situation taught me the importance of consistency in everything I do with my son. That means loving him the same; trying the same; taking care of him the same; and reinforcing core principles the same.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Be dedicated to showing your bonus child who you are to them and how you feel about them. Be conscious of your influence. Ask yourself, "What am I teaching through my actions?"
Even when you do not realize it, you are consistently teaching your child something. Make sure that something is something worth teaching.
This summer, I consistently taught principles regarding good character. Almost every morning, I reminded Dillon to be a better person today than he was yesterday. I encouraged him to do at least one nice thing for someone throughout his day, and I stressed the importance of having a good attitude.
I reinforced my message so much that he eventually knew the spill before I said it. And even though Dillon may not understand why I consistently reiterate these concepts or repeatedly do certain things, it will make a difference in his view of the world as he grows older.
Parenting is a lot about molding your child to be the best that he can be. Choose a way to consistently help your child be better in some way.
Do It Your Way
Diving into parenting can be intimidating, especially when you are a bonus parent.
When Dillon first got here for the summer, my mind was cluttered with feedback and nervous anxiety about what the boundaries were for parenting. I wanted to be respectful of his biological parents, and truthfully, I didn't want to do anything that would make Dillon dislike me.
The first few weeks of his stay were stressful simply because I was tip-toeing around doing it my own way for fear of the outcome.
Eventually, I made the decision to use my own parenting style. I got this in my head and stuck with it. I developed my own routines, my own morning talks, my own techniques for discipline, and went with it. And guess what? Everyone survived!
Allow For Organic Relationship Building
Everything takes time. Do not try to force relationship building or get frustrated if it doesn't happen on your timeline. Let things happen organically. Allow your child to learn you better as you do the same. Find things that you have in common and take an interest in things that are important to the child.
Dillon and I bonded over something as simple as watching Avenger movies. He enjoyed talking to me about the movies and giving me background on the characters. Over time, this turned into our thing. Movie night was our way of connecting. It made him feel comfortable to talk to me about something that was on his level.
Nothing happened when I was trying too hard or wasting time worried about whether he liked me. Think about it this way: You are a good person. Why wouldn't someone like you after they get to know you? Keep that train of thought in your head and allow time to be your friend. Don't panic. You will get there.
Be Patient
Be patient with your child. It can be tough being a little person in a blended family. Kids pick up on things that adults think they are cleverly hiding. Sometimes the pressure of trying to make everyone happy can feel overwhelming. Try to understand the child's perspective and make the decision to do your part to alleviate that pressure in any way that you can.
Just as important, is being patient with you. You are new to this. Do not beat yourself up over mistakes or worry about how it will be viewed by others. Instead, do your best. Learn from your shortcomings, and focus on being a better parent every day.
You are more than capable of doing this! Don't let hiccups rain on your parade. Keep going!
*Article originally published on kandiceguice.com
Featured image by Sai De Silva on Unsplash
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Kandice Guice is a lifestyle and beauty writer who doubles as an attorney and entrepreneur. She prides herself on helping multidimensional women discover personal and professional fulfillment by encouraging them to live with ambition, sass, and a whole lot of pizzazz. When Kandice isn't closing corporate transactions or writing blog posts, she is usually cheering on her husband as a football coach or looking for new travel adventures with friends and family. Check her out at kandiceguice.com and follow her on all things social @kandiceguice.
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Feature image courtesy
Meet The Millionaire Real Estate Developer Transforming Georgia’s Landscape And Generational Wealth
Delphine Bryant is trying to change the world, one real estate listing at a time. As a breast cancer survivor, she understands the importance of building a legacy that her children can be proud of, which is why she’s using her platform to educate others to create generational wealth of their own.
A distinguished real estate developer and entrepreneur, Bryant is also a millionaire with a portfolio of over 100 luxury and affordable homes across Georgia.
Known for her expertise in crafting properties that speak for themselves, she has a keen eye for design and a strong affinity for community development. Her goal with every property and business endeavor is to transform landscapes and enrich lives in the process.
“When they tell you that you have breast cancer and it's the fast-growing one, I was like, okay, am I dying or not, but I started focusing on making my dreams bigger than my problems,” Bryant recalls to xoNecole.
“I was like, I’m going to fight. I want to be able to fight as much as I can. So, during that process of fighting, I was still looking at real estate because I started real estate in 2012 while I was still a registered nurse, which would help me have extra income.”
Bryant’s health kept her at home during this time due to a low immune system and weakness from rounds of chemotherapy, but one thing that did not change was her determination to succeed. She used the time to lock in and learn the ins and outs of the real estate world.
“Navigating myself in the real estate world, I started looking at new construction and just focusing on seeing how much profit I would get from new construction as to holding properties, which I sued to do for the first five years in the business,” Bryant explains.
“I started realizing there’s so much money in getting into new construction and learning about the development world.”
She adds, “So, I pushed myself, paid a mentor about $40,000, who taught me how to buy land and subdivide it, and then I started building new construction. That has helped me a lot. Getting into the real estate world and seeing my coworkers, who were nurses and doctors, making so much money but not investing it, I started telling them what I was doing, and they started investing in some of my projects. Many people just saw me growing and kept asking how can you do this? How can you do that? So I also began mentoring in the space.”
Having acquired over $8 million in real estate assets, Bryant knows something about investing in suitable properties and helping others get more bang for their buck. Her number one lesson is not to get caught up in spending so much money, time, and effort into making a property “look a certain way.”
“I always advise people, if you’re going to buy and hold a property, you don’t want to invest too much to make that house look a certain way,” she says.
“Because you’re holding it, you want to rehab it. If you’re buying, let’s say, a property that needs rehab, you want to rehab it but spend less money if you’re going to hold it. On the other hand, if you plan to sell it, that’s a different ball game because buyers coming in want to make it look like a brand new house.”
“For those holding on to the property, you can spend half the fee you planned to rehab it. That way, the house still looks almost the same, brand new, but you're spending less money,” Bryant continues.
“And once you send an appraisal there, you will probably appraise it for almost the same price you sell it. Then, you can cash the equity out of that house, have someone stay there paying the mortgage while you get cash flow every month, and help that house appraise every three to four years.”
When it comes to investing, Bryant says it is essential to avoid properties with significant issues, such as the foundation, plumbing, etc., because they will eat up a person’s profit. She stressed the importance of leaning on resources like a real estate inspector who can assess whatever needs to be done to the property rather than a general contractor.
“A licensed inspector will pick up everything wrong on that property, and then you can take that list, that inspection list, present it to your general contractor; that way, you know how much you want to spend on a house before you ever invest in it. It is essential, or else you’ll see a house that sometimes looks pretty, but the AC is bad, or the roof needs to be taken down, so you want to make sure that you get a home inspector to assess what needs to be done to a property before making that investment.”
Additionally, she stresses the importance of evaluation. What is the market? What’s the market trending? These are questions that Bryant says are imperative to not throwing your hard-earned money away to renovations that won’t necessarily make you a profit.
“I love what I do,” Bryant concludes. “I make sure that I do my due diligence. I’ve never lost money in real estate. I wake up in the morning feeling very grateful. One of the things is that I have a history of breast cancer, and I’m a breast cancer survivor now, so I’m just grateful to be alive. I look at life differently but wake up feeling tons of gratitude.”
“I want to encourage people that real estate is an easy way to grow wealth that is not a liability. It’s an asset. You can transfer it from generation to generation,” she adds.
“A lot of us look at real estate, and we get scared, but if you do your numbers and educate yourself in real estate, you can make so much money quickly. I always encourage people to buy a house and get into the real estate world because you can transfer those assets to your children from generation to generation."
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Feature image courtesy of Delphine Bryant