7 Things Every Bonus Mom Should Know
I got married in March and immediately jumped into Bonus Mom mode a few weeks later when our son, Dillon, came down to visit for spring break. From that trip, I said to myself, "Piece of cake! I've got this down packed!"
Oh, but summer came, and the first few weeks humbled me in ways that made me question if I was doing anything right!
Time went on and I gradually moved passed my "new mom" jitters. But along the way, summer grew me by teaching me what it means to be a bonus mom when you merge lives with a partner who has kids. Because I am still mastering these golden nuggets, writing this post is just as much positive reinforcement for myself as it is for you. And I believe drilling these things into your mind is a great way to keep you in a good space and help you grow as a bonus parent.
Read on to learn the seven things every bonus mom should know.
Expect An Adjustment Period
Since Dillon lives long distance, we miss out on the consistent interaction that I wish we had.
As summer started, I noticed that he seemed more disengaged from me than he was during his previous visit. This was initially disappointing because it felt like I was starting over. I wondered what triggered the relapse and even felt like I was spinning my wheels trying to build the relationship.
But as time passed, he couldn't help going back to the kid who crawls up next to me for movie night or asks if he can go with me to do random things. He drifted back to the carefree kid that talks my head off about the most recent happening that I should be in the know about.
Dillon went back to the car DJ who puts me up on what the young people are listening to these days. He started requesting family nights, sleepovers, and quality time. He went back to normal. And when I thought about it, he ALWAYS does.
From this thought, I realized that I should expect an adjustment period. It is different going from one house to another, especially when you add in the dynamic of a newbie being there. Although it never feels good when he is totally curving me, doing my part means being understanding to the adjustment until it turns into a seamless transition.
Kids Are Good Judges Of Character
I believe the reason that the bond between me and Dillon is always rekindled is because children are a good judge of character.
Children observe the way you care for them and how you respond to certain situations. I believe Dillon knows that I love him and that I will ensure that he has what he needs when he is in my care.
Why? He has seen it.
Children know how you feel about them by how you treat them. Keeping this at the forefront of your mind is a great way to avoid going crazy over all the small things that do not matter in the big scheme of things.
Be Consistent
Consistency is key with children.
Dillon taught me that children's expectations are based on repeated behaviors. For example, I am primarily responsible for being the fun parent.
Our first extended trip together consisted of me taking him to do a million and one things. I continued that tradition through the next few times we connected, so naturally, when he came down for the summer and I told him I actually had to work, he tilted his head to the side and said, "Oh, I get it. You are trying to surprise me! You're not serious right?"
Because I consistently did fun things when he came down, he was caught off guard by the idea of sitting still for a few days. It didn't matter to Dillon that he doesn't necessarily do fun things every day at home, it mattered that he felt I was being inconsistent.
My husband and I enrolled Dillon in more summer camps than he could fathom, alleviating pressure to balance work with a trip to the arcade or the trampoline park every day. However, this situation taught me the importance of consistency in everything I do with my son. That means loving him the same; trying the same; taking care of him the same; and reinforcing core principles the same.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Be dedicated to showing your bonus child who you are to them and how you feel about them. Be conscious of your influence. Ask yourself, "What am I teaching through my actions?"
Even when you do not realize it, you are consistently teaching your child something. Make sure that something is something worth teaching.
This summer, I consistently taught principles regarding good character. Almost every morning, I reminded Dillon to be a better person today than he was yesterday. I encouraged him to do at least one nice thing for someone throughout his day, and I stressed the importance of having a good attitude.
I reinforced my message so much that he eventually knew the spill before I said it. And even though Dillon may not understand why I consistently reiterate these concepts or repeatedly do certain things, it will make a difference in his view of the world as he grows older.
Parenting is a lot about molding your child to be the best that he can be. Choose a way to consistently help your child be better in some way.
Do It Your Way
Diving into parenting can be intimidating, especially when you are a bonus parent.
When Dillon first got here for the summer, my mind was cluttered with feedback and nervous anxiety about what the boundaries were for parenting. I wanted to be respectful of his biological parents, and truthfully, I didn't want to do anything that would make Dillon dislike me.
The first few weeks of his stay were stressful simply because I was tip-toeing around doing it my own way for fear of the outcome.
Eventually, I made the decision to use my own parenting style. I got this in my head and stuck with it. I developed my own routines, my own morning talks, my own techniques for discipline, and went with it. And guess what? Everyone survived!
Allow For Organic Relationship Building
Everything takes time. Do not try to force relationship building or get frustrated if it doesn't happen on your timeline. Let things happen organically. Allow your child to learn you better as you do the same. Find things that you have in common and take an interest in things that are important to the child.
Dillon and I bonded over something as simple as watching Avenger movies. He enjoyed talking to me about the movies and giving me background on the characters. Over time, this turned into our thing. Movie night was our way of connecting. It made him feel comfortable to talk to me about something that was on his level.
Nothing happened when I was trying too hard or wasting time worried about whether he liked me. Think about it this way: You are a good person. Why wouldn't someone like you after they get to know you? Keep that train of thought in your head and allow time to be your friend. Don't panic. You will get there.
Be Patient
Be patient with your child. It can be tough being a little person in a blended family. Kids pick up on things that adults think they are cleverly hiding. Sometimes the pressure of trying to make everyone happy can feel overwhelming. Try to understand the child's perspective and make the decision to do your part to alleviate that pressure in any way that you can.
Just as important, is being patient with you. You are new to this. Do not beat yourself up over mistakes or worry about how it will be viewed by others. Instead, do your best. Learn from your shortcomings, and focus on being a better parent every day.
You are more than capable of doing this! Don't let hiccups rain on your parade. Keep going!
*Article originally published on kandiceguice.com
Featured image by Sai De Silva on Unsplash
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Kandice Guice is a lifestyle and beauty writer who doubles as an attorney and entrepreneur. She prides herself on helping multidimensional women discover personal and professional fulfillment by encouraging them to live with ambition, sass, and a whole lot of pizzazz. When Kandice isn't closing corporate transactions or writing blog posts, she is usually cheering on her husband as a football coach or looking for new travel adventures with friends and family. Check her out at kandiceguice.com and follow her on all things social @kandiceguice.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy