7 Signs A Great Boyfriend Could Be A Bad Husband
Not too long ago, I watched a video featuring relationship coach Stephan Labossiere. The topic was "A Lot of Women Will Run from Being with a Great Man" (indeed!) and his initial point was this: "A lot of times when you see these relationships be dysfunctional and people say that love just didn't win? No, it's because love was never there…love isn't what was driving your relationship, so that's why it failed."
"Love can conquer all, it really can, but it has to be real…people aren't operating in love. They are operating in infatuation, they are operating in fear…there are women who say they want that great man, but don't think they deserve that great man."
To me, when two people make the decision to have the title "boyfriend and girlfriend", a big part of the purpose of that time in the relationship is to see if love—rather than infatuation, fear or even just the obsession with being in some type of relationship rather than none at all—is really there.
At the same time, the reason why so many break-ups tend to be so brutal (to the point of sometimes being just as traumatizing as a divorce) is because folks assume that just because someone is great to date, they automatically are wonderful to marry. NOPE.
Listen, if the word "boyfriend" was a synonym for husband, there would be no need for the word in the first place. A dating relationship is very different from a marriage (just ask anyone who's married!). And as I'm about to share with you, it can be very easy to have a boyfriend who is all-of-that-and-then-some who would totally suck as your partner for life.
How is that even possible? You'd be surprised.
His Values Don’t Line up with Yours
When you're dating someone, while it would be cool if you both were on the same page when it came to things like religion, politics and family, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker if you're not. If anything, not seeing things that same way can make for some riveting conversation and debates.
But when you're married, sharing core values is pretty important. What are both of your views on money? What are both of your expectations when it comes to needs in a relationship? Do both of you value intimacy the same way? What are both of your personal goals? How do you both want to use your gifts and talents? Does family matter a lot or a little? Are you both civil rights-minded and community service-oriented or not? Is God the top priority in both of your lives?
Be careful. These things may not seem like a big deal now, but a whole lot of people are in divorce court over not being able to get on the same wavelength when it comes to core value issues.
He Has Poor Boundaries with Family and Friends
GiphyThis. One. Right. Here. Shoot, even the Bible says that people should "leave and cleave" once they get married (Genesis 2:18-25), yet it's insane how many men are mama's boys and how many women still expect their daddy to buy them stuff (or financially bail them out of things).
When someone is just your boyfriend, you might not even know that half of his income goes to taking care of his immature and totally toxic family members. Then you marry the guy and your own heat isn't on because he's still making his family a bigger priority than his marriage.
While I'm not saying that you should automatically dismiss a man for having poor family (and friend) boundaries, I do recommend that you pay attention to how he moves when it comes to them. Oh, and that you gift him with the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. If he doesn't set limits now, you'll both live to regret it…later.
He Doesn’t Plan Ahead
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Ask most relationship experts and they'll tell you that a clear sign of a commitment-phobe is he doesn't like to plan ahead. I'm pretty sure you can see where I'm going with this point, right? If you're dating someone who breaks out into hives at the very thought of setting a date more than three days in advance, you might want to look further into why that's such a problem for him. Unless he has the kind of profession that makes it difficult to stick to a schedule, it really shouldn't be that big of a deal.
Although a man who doesn't plan may seem all sexy and spontaneous when you're dating 1) if he doesn't plan dates, I'm not so sure he has plans for your relationship and 2) if he's not in the habit of being a planner, if you do somehow end up married to him, you're setting yourself up to always be in an unpredictable headspace right along with him.
How are we gonna pay the mortgage? No plan.
Are we going to your parents or mine this Christmas? No plan.
I'm ready to leave your no-planning-butt. Now what? Still, no plan.
He Isn’t Proactively Supportive of Your Goals
If I could name one thing that I don't think single people think about nearly enough when it comes to choosing a spouse, it would be underestimating how important it is to have someone who sees you as a life partner and team member; someone who is truly interested in what your purpose in life is and personal goals and aspirations are.
If you've always wanted to be a book author, it might be hard to detect if your boyfriend cares one way or another because, unless you live with him, you can separate your writing time from the time you spend with him. But if you and this same guy don't discuss your vision and desires for your life before saying "I do", you could discover that, not only is he not the most supportive cat on the planet, his expectations may actually compete with what you want to do when it comes to time and resources.
Pay attention now to how much (or little) your boyfriend proactively rallies around your life plans. If he isn't doing it much now, you're setting yourself up for a real let-down if you think that somehow he's going to miraculously change once you become his wife.
His Lifestyle Is TOTALLY DIFFERENT Than Yours
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You like to travel. He's a homebody. He works out religiously. You can't recall the last time you set foot inside of a gym. You're vegan. He's a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. You're eco-friendly. He thinks recycling is being tedious. He's mad frugal with cash. You've got $200 in your savings account. He goes to church three days a week. You're more into lay activities at home. He likes the country. You're a city girl.
The cool thing about dating someone who has a totally different lifestyle than you is they can help to expand your perspective on things. But if you marry someone with these same lifestyle variances and neither of you are open to compromise, the same differences that were such a turn-on can become the very things that make both of you uncomfortable and resentful, just months into your union.
Hey, I'm not saying that opposites don't attract. I'm simply saying that you need more than attraction to make a marriage work. You need some symmetry and harmony up in there too.
He’s Inconsistent
If you were to ask me right now to provide you with a list of five things that I wish I had required in my past relationship, chile, consistency would be mentioned twice! One of my favorite definitions of the word is "constantly adhering to the same principles, course, form, etc." When a man is consistent, he makes you feel like you can trust him. Like he's got a strong sense of character and integrity. Like his word truly is his bond.
When you're only dating someone, you might not interact with him enough to know how consistent (or inconsistent) he is about things—things like paying bills, showing up to events on time or remembering things that you mentioned were important to you. Or, if he does drop the ball, you might not think it's that big of a deal.
Ask any wife whose husband puts them on the roller coaster ride of inconsistency and they'll tell you to not overlook this blaring red flag. It's hard to sleep well at night when you don't know if a man is gonna do what he said—or not.
He Doesn’t Bring Up Marriage. Like at All. EVER.
Le sigh. As hard as it may be to hear—and I know about this point better than most—some men make great boyfriends and bad husbands because they never intended to become more than a boyfriend. Although they like the idea of being in an exclusive relationship, what they want to avoid is the legalities of having an actual spouse. To them, that feels too locked in and permanent.
A while back, I penned a piece about the fact that if a man is truly husband material, he's gonna be someone who desires to be married. Not in maybe-someday-like-15-years-up kind of way. I mean the "It is a priority to find my wife and commit to her in the next couple of years" kind of way.
If you've been seeing someone for several months now and he hasn't said a single solitary word about marriage, it could be because he enjoys being no more than your boyfriend. If you're cool with that, cool. If not, don't feel the least bit guilty or pushy for asking him if—as Boris Kodjoe's character in Brown Sugar so cornily rapped—marriage is on his menu.
If he gives you a blank stare or tries to change the subject, the answer is probably "no". If you stay and then dish out ultimatums up the road, he very well could marry you, but if he wasn't ready (and a man can only get truly ready on his own), well, the title for this piece could end up being quite fitting—and super infuriating too.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
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Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images