![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![5 Things Being A Never-Been-Married Before Marriage Life Coach Has Taught Me](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMjg5NDU3MC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc0OTA5NzAxMH0.h1j5l1zAG9wfaZtSnSiqPdc4mXBt1I8vzy3Mo7XZHAo/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C0%2C0%2C167)
5 Things Being A Never-Been-Married Before Marriage Life Coach Has Taught Me
Before you're tempted to roll your eyes and not read this all the way through, trust me—I've heard it all. Pretty much, not one week goes by when someone hears that I'm a marriage life coach who's never been married before and they say, "How can you offer insights on marriage if you've never been married before?"
My response to that is too long for this article. For now, I'll say two things. One, I'm not a wife but I am a child of more than one divorce. Don't sleep on what kids observe and the takeaways that they glean from their own parents' experiences. Second, being that pretty much half of all marriages end in divorce, what are folks saying? That married people know how to be married? The stats seem to say otherwise. (Just sayin')
GIPHY
I've learned, sometimes the hard way, that it's not so much someone's "status" that makes them worthy of speaking on certain topics. Wisdom and revelation come in many forms.
A homeless person can offer a great deal of insight on finances. A substance abuser has quite the perspective on self-control. And yes, a single individual can be quite useful in the area of marriage (I've even reconciled a couple of divorced couples along the way!).
In my roughly 10 years of being a life coach, there are a few things that I've learned about marriage. Things that have made me more resolved than ever that it's better to wait until "it"—the person and timing—is right than to get married, just so I can say that I'm not single anymore. Here's what they are:
Vows Are S-E-R-I-O-U-S
GIPHY
Personal vows are nice. They really are. But a lot of the wedding ceremonies where I've heard them? The couples weren't really vowing anything. Sure, they talked about how they felt and the memories that they shared, but if you're signing up to give someone a front row seat into every aspect of your life, there needs to be some "better or worse" and "until death parts us" stuff said too.
And that's the thing. A vow is serious. It's literally "a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment". Marriage is not casual. Marriage isn't even supposed to be temporary. In fact, something I oftentimes say is, "I bet if divorce were illegal, most couples would find a way to make it work." Because I agree with what Lawrence's daddy (from Insecure) said in the season three finale—a lot of relationships don't last because a lot of people don't want to put in the work to make it so.
Vowing until death is a LONG time. It's not until you are mad or tired or "not feeling it anymore". It's supposed to be until death parts you. The people who've been brave enough to have the integrity to honor what they promised on their wedding day will tell you that marriage ain't easy but it will teach you things about yourself—and about love—that you wouldn't learn any other way. That alone makes marriage well worth it.
It's More Important to Be "In Like" Than "In Love"
Tenor
If you're an engaged person reading this, PLEASE do yourself a favor and COMMIT to seeing a marriage counselor or therapist at least a couple of times a year. Don't wait until one (or both) of you wants to sign divorce papers to give therapy a shot. I say that because marriage counseling is not some magical solution. It's just a way to offer up another perspective, along with some (hopefully) helpful tips.
One piece of advice that I have to offer is this—care about being in like far more than being in love; especially during the tough times.
I say that because "in love" is oftentimes feelings-oriented, and since human beings are emotional creatures, feelings are always subject to change. "In like" on the other hand is about friendship—trust, humor, mutual respect, support…liking the other person.
Whenever I have a couple who are at their wit's end, I find that so long as they still like each other, I can help get them back to being in love. When it's the other way around? Not so much. Because feelings without a foundation of friendship leaves…not much at all to stand on.
Your Sex Life (or Lack Thereof Speaks VOLUMES) About Your Relationship
I once heard someone say that good sex is 10 percent of a marriage while bad sex is 90 percent of it. Why? Because the bedroom tends to set the tone for the rest of the rooms in the house. Sex isn't just about gettin' off (although that is one of the best parts of it, no doubt!). It's also about communication, intimacy, and establishing/maintaining a real connection.
Another way to look at this is, sex doesn't "make love", sex celebrates it.
STARZ
That said, listen, I don't care how much a couple claims they're in a healthy marriage. If the sex is lacking (if it's something they do once every couple of months even though they are physically capable of having it more), they're not doing as well as they should be. Not by a country mile.
All of this reminds me of what I once heard a woman who'd been married to her husband for over 60 years say. When she was asked what made her relationship with her husband so different from her other relationships, she matter-of-factly said, "We have sex. I don't screw any of my other friends."
Let the church say "Amen."
If You're a Bad Forgiver, You'll SUCK at Marriage
Reverend Billy Graham's wife Ruth Graham Bell once said, "Marriage is the union of two good forgivers." Hmph. Let me tell it, one of the main reasons why so many marriages don't succeed is because one or both people missed the entire memo on this.
SHOWTIME
No matter how awesome a person is, they are still a human being and human beings make mistakes. Not every once in a while, either. So, if you're someone who holds grudges, doesn't let go of the past, or only forgives on your terms and you're married—you probably should've stayed single.
How do you know if you are a good forgiver? You don't do the silent treatment thing. You're intentional about talking things out to come to a mutual resolve. You don't withhold affection or attention as a form of punishment. You don't bring the same stuff up over and over again. (This one is sooooo important) You forgive your spouse the same way you'd want them to forgive you.
If you're rolling your eyes at any of this and you are married? Good luck in staying married. If you're single and rolling your eyes—stay single.
Marriage Is Still Beautiful (And Relevant And Necessary)
GIPHY
I keep hearing that millennials are finding marriage to be obsolete. That's a shame because there is something about having a person who promised before your family, friends—and don't forget about God—that they would have your back, no matter what, until you take your last breath.
From where I sit, marriage isn't the problem. Choosing the wrong partner, having an immature concept of love, being selfish, not wanting to put in the work, being delusional about marriage—these are the real issues. (Or, as one man who'd been married 40 years once told me, "The problem with you young girls is you pick irresponsible men. I would never leave my wife, period." WHEW-WHEE.)
GIPHY
I don't know about you, but whenever I see a senior couple walk hand-in-hand, my heart melts. No matter what they've been through, they chose to stay. That's marriage. And to me, that is absolutely beautiful.
Sitting in countless marriage life coaching sessions has shown me that. It's taught me to honor marriage and to remain single until I can mean everything I just said. And for that, I am truly grateful.
Related Stories
Denzel Washington Shares the Secret to His & Pauletta's 35-Year Marriage - Read More
How I'm Getting Over The Marriage Bug This Wedding Season - Read More
I'm Afraid Of Marriage - Read More
10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married - Read More
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 10 Sex Resolutions To Make This Year - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Care More About The Wedding, Than The Marriage? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Should You Wait For A Man To Be Ready? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Should I Wait For A Man To Be Ready? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Best Marriage Advice During Hard Times - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What To Know About Hiring A Life Coach - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images