In an ironic twist of social discourse, recent conversations around femininity have been largely led by masculine voices. With popular male internet figureheads claiming stake in the discussion of what femininity, softness, and womanly expression should look like, it’s left the definition to become a byproduct of the masculine perspective.
But walking in one’s true feminine energy is much more complex and unique than simply being defined by what masculinity isn’t. It’s intuitive and creative, seductive and nurturing, strong yet, surrendering. And while femininity may be the common thread that connects all women, it’s dualistic enough to present itself in more than one fashion.
As women actively reclaim what femininity means and embark on their feminine journey, it’s important to have a roadmap to guide you along your path.
“Femininity is just the aspect of connecting to your womanly essence — but you can be deeply in your masculine energy and still be connected to femininity,” says Sola, the creator of Solelectra and The Feminine Frequency Podcast.
For the TikTok creator and faith-based femininity coach, embarking on the feminine path comes down to one’s ability to relinquish control and surrender to life’s divine offerings. “When one embarks on the feminine path, it’s your collective commitment to surrendering to the unknown,” she tells xoNecole. “The more that you have the ability to surrender and let go of your addiction to control, the more you're polarized towards your feminine energy.”
Sola first began the practice of discovering her feminine path after she found herself in need to control the dynamics of a past relationship. When the relationship ended, she sat with God to reflect on how she could better herself from the shortcoming she experienced during the involvement. “God was telling me that in order for the dynamics in the relationship to function, there needs to be duality,” she reflects. “Two people can't be in their feminine, and two people can't be in their masculine.”
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Because of our collective demonization of the masculine, it can feel shameful to not present your femininity in a dainty or frilly manner, but you shouldn’t suppress your divine design. “It doesn't matter how much pampering you do, you're still in your masculine. It's this core aspect of your being,” Sola says.
Many of us spend years living outside of our unique, feminine design to fit into societal boxes, but understanding where you land in the full range of feminine expression can help you unlock your feminine potential on a deeper level. Originally based on the framework of archetypes by Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, psychiatrist Jean Shinoda Bolen defined several archetypes of womanhood that are specifically associated with femininity — and they include:
The 7 Feminine Archetypes
- The Mother: represents nurturing, compassion, and unconditional love. It is often associated with the biological mother but can also manifest in other forms of caregiving.
- The Maiden: represents a youthful spirit, optimism, and vivacity. It is associated with the stage of life before marriage and motherhood.
- The Queen: represents leadership, sovereignty, and power. It is associated with mature femininity and the ability to rule with grace and compassion.
- The Huntress (also known as The Wild Woman): represents independence, strength, and self-reliance. It is associated with the ability to protect and provide for oneself.
- The Sage (also known as The Wise Woman): represents wisdom, intuition, and spiritual insight. It is associated with the ability to see beyond the material world and to connect with the divine.
- The Mystic: represents a connection with the spiritual world, mystical experiences, and an innate focus on her inner world and solitude.
- The Lover: represents magnetism, presence, and sensuality. It is associated with sexual energy and an appreciation for love, beauty, and ease.
Each archetype is directly connected to their core desire in life — with the more masculine archetypes being hyperfocused on leaving a mark and providing structure, as the more feminine archetypes are more drawn to connecting to others and embarking on some spiritual journey.
Sola shares that when it comes to finding your archetype, read through each one and see which ones you find yourself being intuitively drawn to,in order to determine your best match.
If you take The 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes™ test, curated by the late Ayesha K. Faines, and find that you fall into a more masculine-leaning archetype, Sola encourages you to lean into the polarity and not deny the nature of your being.
“I do believe God created certain women to be more polarized to their masculine energy. That doesn't mean they can't connect to their femininity, but it all comes back to you being really honest about what is motivating your heart's desires and what is it that you actually truly seek in this world,” she continues.
From her experience, gaining a deeper connection with her feminine energy has benefited her on a personal, professional, and social level because “everything starts with the heart.” If you desire to build more meaningful relationships with others and yourself, moving with a heart-centered approach is far more rewarding than insisting on leading from a place of control or insecurity.
“You have to really check your heart and see where it's coming from,” she shares. “Because when you're coming from a place of loneliness and operating out of insecurity, you can find yourself having an unhealthy approach to creating community, getting into a relationship, and making friends. We must shift our hearts out of a place of lack — because we’re tapping into the current of God, which is love. If you’re tapping into the current of force, that’s the opposite of love.”
For women who are looking to incorporate new practices that can help connect them with their feminine energy, Sola says to walk by faith and relinquish the need for control. Finding hobbies that require you to not have an end goal in mind — like freestyle dance classes or roller skating, can be healthy ways to get your mind in the practice of relinquishing control and receiving the flow of what’s in the present moment.
“Being in your feminine is allowing yourself to be in the constant state of receiving the present moment. There's no goal. There's nothing you're trying to get,” she says. “It's surrendering to the flow of creativity and life in general.”
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
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From Monogamy To Polyamory: 'I'm In An Asexual Poly Marriage With My Husband Of 7 Years'
Have you ever wondered what it's like to be asexual and in an open marriage? Relationship Coach Mikki Bey shared her first-hand experience with us as well as answered some of our burning questions.
Like a lot of people, Mikki met her now husband, Raheem Ali, online. As soon as they met, they instantly fell in love and got engaged on their first date. Just 90 days after they met, the couple tied the knot and have now been married for seven years. Raheem and Mikki aren’t your typical married couple, and despite being married for almost a decade, their marriage is anything but traditional. Mikki and Raheem have what she calls an "asexual polyamorous marriage."
Defining Her Sexuality
It wasn't until last summer that Mikki found the language to define her sexuality. "I didn't have the language for it until last summer," she explained to xoNecole. "Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing.”
Mikki always thought she was broken because she had no interest in sex. Mikki noticed after her friends came to visit and started discussing their sexual fantasies that she realized something was different about her. “At that point, I knew something was definitely different about me since I do not have sexual fantasies at all. It was truly news to me that people are at work thinking about sex! That was not my experience.” This led to Mikki researching asexuality, which she soon realized fit her to a T. “It felt like breathing new air when I was able to call it by name," said Mikki.
"Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing it."
Asexuality refers to people who experience little or no sexual attraction, experience attraction without acting on it sexually, or experience sexual attraction differently based on other factors. Like most things, asexuality falls on a spectrum and encompasses many other identities. It's important to remember, however, that attraction and action are not always synonymous: some asexuals may reject the idea of sexual contact, but others may be sex-neutral and engage in sexual activity.
It's possible that some asexuals will have sex with someone else despite not having a libido or masturbating, but others will have sex with a partner because it brings a sense of connection.
From a Traditional Marriage to Kitchen Table Polyamory
Although Mikki never really had a high sex drive, it wasn’t until after the birth of her son, that she noticed her sex drive took a real nosedive. “I never had a high sex drive, but about a year after my son was born, I realized I had zero desire. My husband has a high sex drive, and I knew that it would not be sustainable to not have sex in our marriage at that time.”
She was determined to find an alternative to divorce and stumbled upon a polyamory conversation on Clubhouse. Upon doing her own research, she brought up the idea to their husband, who was receptive. “It’s so interesting to me that people weigh sex so heavily in relationships when even if you are having a ton of sex, it’s still a very small percentage of the relationship activity," Mikki shared.
They chose polyamory because Mikki still wanted to be married, but she also wanted to make sure that Raheem was getting his individual needs and desires met, even if that meant meeting them with someone else. “I think that we have been programmed to think that our spouses need to be our 'everything.' We do not operate like that. There is no one way that fits all when it comes to relationships, despite what society may try to tell you. Their path to doing this thing called life together may be different from yours, but they found what works for them. We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us,” Mikki explained.
"We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us. We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sex partners to lifetime partners if it should go there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it."
She continued, “We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sexual partners to lifetime partners if it should get there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it. Our dynamic is parallel with kitchen table poly aspirations.”
Kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous relationship in which all participants are on friendly terms enough to share a meal at the kitchen table. Basically, it means you have some form of relationship with your partner’s other partner, whether as a group or individually. A lot of times, KTP relationships are highly personal and rooted in mutual respect, communication, and friendship.
Intimacy in an Asexual Polyamorous Marriage
Mikki says she and her husband, Raheem, still share intimate moments despite being in a polyamorous marriage. “Our intimacy is emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, although non-sexual. We are intentional about date nights weekly, surprising and delighting each other daily, and most of all, we communicate our needs regularly. In my opinion, our intimacy is top-tier! I give my husband full-body massages, mani-pedis and make sure I am giving him small physical touches/kisses throughout the day. He is also very intentional about showing me his love and affection.”
Raheem and Mikki now use their lives as examples for others. On their website, thepolycouplenextdoor.com, they coach people interested in learning how to be consensually non-monogamous. “We are both relationship coaches. I specialized in emotional regulation, and Raheem specializes in communication and conflict resolution. The same tools we use in our marriage help our clients succeed in polyamory."
Mikki advises people who may be asexual or seeking non-monogamy to communicate their needs openly and to consider seeking sex therapy or intimacy coaching. Building a strong relationship with a non-sexual partner requires both empathy and compassion.
For more of Mikki, follow her on Instagram @getmikkibey. Follow the couple's platform on Instagram @thepolycouplenextdoor.
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