Why You Should Stop Caring About Being “Feminine Enough”
Does anyone else feel like they aren't feminine enough?
Last year I was having dinner with a friend and we started discussing feminine energy. I shared that I wanted to be more feminine or get better at exuding it, whatever that meant. She laughed, leaned in, and said, "Erica, you give off feminine energy. You have nothing to worry about."
The thing is, I was never worried about being "feminine enough" before that.
Feminine energy is characterized as "being." It's centered on receiving, flowing, creating, feeling, and being vulnerable. On the converse, masculine energy is rooted in "doing." It's based on giving, planning, achieving and remaining focused. We are constantly floating between our masculine and feminine energy, and maintaining a healthy balance of both energies allows us to live a harmonious and fulfilling life. Unfortunately, we live in a society dominated by "doing," and patriarchy deems feminine energy inferior and only purposeful for domestic duties. So, many of us live out of balance because we fear seeming weak or unproductive. But feminine energy is powerful.
I started thinking more about the power of feminine energy when I stumbled upon Ayesha K. Faine's work Women Love Power in 2017. I loved that she was helping women recognize the importance of harnessing their feminine energy and telling the world that bringing feminine energy to the forefront would be crucial in establishing balance and harmony worldwide. I also enjoyed learning about my feminine archetype (I was a Gamine then). Ayesha taught us how our archetype manifested in our lives, how to use feminine energy to be successful, and how I could use it to gain a deeper understanding of myself and improve my relationship with others. Her work was empowering.
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Recent conversations about feminine energy seem focused on shaming. Statements like,
"You're not feminine enough."
"You're too masculine."
"You need to lean into your feminine,"
seem to have replaced with statements like,
"You need to do this to get a man."
"You don't know how to let men lead."
and (my favorite),
"This is why men don't like you."
The conversation is tired, old, and problematic.
Attempting to shame someone into embracing more of their feminine energy isn't helpful or loving. Black women can be loved and encouraged to make decisions that will help them love, nurture, and care for themselves. Encouraging Black women to embrace softness instead of unyielding strength is an act of love. Reminding Black women they are worthy of receiving help from others and that they aren’t a burden is an act of love. Creating safe spaces for Black women to be vulnerable and receive care is an act of love. All of these things give Black women the freedom to incorporate more feminine energy into their lives in a way that benefits their mental, emotional and physical well-being. None of these benefits are men-centered or men-focused.
Everything can't be about men. Everything can’t be about appealing to the male ego. If you are someone that wishes to be in relationships and community with men, it's natural to care about what they think. But it isn't healthy to be controlled by what men think. Because who is the deciding voice on whether or not you're “feminine enough”?
Who are you giving that power away to?
I would hope no one. But I'm on the internet more often than not, and I have conversations with women I love all the time. The femininity conversation always goes back to finding ways to maintain or obtain a man's attention. And it doesn't serve us to be men-centered in that way.
Centering men in our decisions can cause us to abandon ourselves. We attempt to bend, fold, contort and conform to fit a phenotype or personality that doesn't come naturally to us and become resentful when it doesn't result in us being chosen. It's madness and deeply unfulfilling. But the reasons were ready to listen to someone tell us were inadequate or fail to measure up are understandable. We’re scared. We don't want to be alone. We don't want to be the person that doesn't get chosen.
But allowing people to continually profit off of our insecurity is hurting us.
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Some of the femininity rhetoric is anti-Black and being used to shame Black women for adapting to environments that required us to lean into more “masculine energy.” For example, I struggle with letting people help me; many of us do. It's not intentional. I'm not resisting my feminine energy to be combative or difficult; I doubt anyone is. Framing the conversation that way doesn't help. There are various reasons someone may be unable to embrace more feminine energy. Maybe their environment isn't safe enough for them to be "soft." Perhaps they aren't around people that can lead in non-egocentric ways. Maybe they had to become hyper-independent to survive as children.
The way we approach people and the way we approach having these conversations with ourselves is important. Conversations rooted in kindness, compassion empathy are transformational. Conversations based on shame lead to low confidence and a lack of self-love.
If you're going to embrace more feminine energy, do it for yourself. Do it because you love yourself. Do it because you see it improving your life and your well-being. Don’t do it because you’re seeking the validation and approval of a stranger. Don't do it because you're hoping to obtain something outside yourself because you can't control anything outside of you.
Stand in your power and be the deciding voice on whether or not you are enough.
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Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
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When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
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Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED