Her Voice
The fact that we receive instant gratification from little red notifications is very telling. I, too, was guilty of being completely enamored and somewhat obsessed with an online presence. Likes, comments, DMs, reactions, and follows. It wasn't until a recent four-month social media break that I realized how much social media has changed human connection. I initially took a social media break to be more productive. I was and I have been. With all this masculine energy flowing through me, I'm out here slayin' my fourth-quarter goals. But then it got quiet—almost too quiet.
As the silence grew, I started to feel completely isolated and lonely.
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In this moment, I started to question the impact social media has on human connection and relationships. It took my online absence for some friends to check on me or even remember that I existed. I mean, granted I was overly consistent with my social media posts, but online presence shouldn't be a prerequisite to express concern.
People assume if you're not frequently posting content or taking a break from social media that something is wrong. And it is also assumed because they see glimpses of your life through curated pictures that everything is OK. Is it just me or does anyone else see how backward this logic is?
I want to say by no means am I offended by this behavior. These are instances I have noticed and I am sure others have experienced too as we navigate the dynamics of human connection in a technologically advanced world.
The Dynamics of Friendship
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First, let me just say that I am grateful for every single one of my online connections. It brings me so much joy that they have been a part of my journey. And I am even more grateful for those online connections that have turned into offline friendships. To meet those people in person and create real-life moments and memories has been simply beautiful. I'm a Sagittarius y'all—making new connections is what I do. I'm also one of those friends that will make every effort to check-in or simply show up. Regardless, if it's offline or online, it's just the way I'm wired.
With the overconsumption of social media, I would say the level of effort in friendships is affected, if not dead. And it doesn't matter if it's a new friend or a close friend. We have deprioritized human connection when it's one of the most basic needs. How?
The notion is if you can be seen, heard, celebrated, or valued online, then there is no need to connect with you offline. The norm has become if friends can communicate with you via likes, comments, and reactions, then there's no need to call or text.
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But the reality is curated pictures cannot account for what people think or feel. Social media somehow has become a foundational element or the sole basis for friendship but the concept of friendship is built on so much more. A solid friendship requires a level of depth only human connection allows for and is irreplaceable. We are made to feel through the presence of each other.
Do we even realize that we are establishing friendships based on picturesque content and pre-planned captions that are designed to increase a following as opposed to real-life moments? I said this once, and I'll say it again: With social media, we are constantly paying attention to someone else's life instead of our own. However, I understand that friendships are harder to maintain in our 30s and 40s. I also understand that some of us are still recovering or healing from trauma or loss. I know that the majority of us are still trying to navigate what we consider to be a new normal on top of everyday life. And sometimes, we just don't have the energy to generally deal with people, too.
Therefore, social media has become a tool that allows us to keep up with the lives of our family, lifelong friends, new friends, and colleagues. Remember, the original intention of Instagram was to primarily share photos taken by mobile devices. But now within the last few years and the pandemic, Instagram has evolved to some next-level shit. Not only did we turn into a business, but we also turned the 'gram into a complete online world that we live in.
A Word About Social Media and the Dynamics of Dating
I have to admit, at first, I thought men sliding in my DMs, liking all my pictures, and heavy in my comments was hella cute. But now, not so much. We often complain about how men and women behave in the DMs and comments. However, in all honesty, we allowed this shit. We taught each other this behavior was acceptable. In the words of Henry Cloud, "You get what you tolerate." We set a standard that seems pretty low to me, so who are we to complain or say anything at all?
The reality is we've normalized sliding in the DMs to the point that some men don't know how to communicate let alone interact with women at all. There's no effort in this. We continue to reward men for the bare minimum and lack of effort. It's not to say that successful dating stories or relationships haven't started in the DM, because they have. Yet there is still a whole lot of fuckery going down in the DM.
I say all this to demonstrate how dating has changed with social media which was fueled by a pandemic.
Finding Balance with Social Media, Online Presence and Human Connection
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I don't know if balance will ever be restored when it comes to human connection. The more technologically advanced we are as a society, I think we may continue to lose human connection. I personally have always enjoyed making in-person connections through the elements of presence. It's the energy for me. There is something about energy and physical presence that pictures or words just cannot replace. I want to be caught up in moments and memories. And I want to be intoxicated with all feelings that come with it. This is what human connection is all about – the ability to have experiences that evoke feeling. We need eye contact, touch, laughter, and intimate conversations for true connection. It's imperative to our mental health. It's all the things that make us human.
Social media should not be a complete alternative for human connection, initiating a date, or maintaining friendships as we tend to overuse or abuse it, but the way this pandemic is going, social media is not going to let up.
We somehow redefined and reinforced human connection through social media. And for me, while I realize this is what our society has become, I don't have to play along with it either. I do think we should find a healthier balance in the way we use social media for human connection. It's hard to say what a healthy balance would look like as this balance could be different for everyone.
I would say it starts with recognizing some hard truths about ourselves and our society, using boundaries, and choosing not to accept certain acts or behaviors as our new normal.
The only thing we can do is find ways to keep human connection alive. We need to continue to seek the type of human connections that are authentic, whole, worthy, and deserving more so offline than online.
For more love and relationships, features, friendship tips, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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Twitter followers pleaded with Madam Vice President Harris to introduce maternity leave or to provide women with the support they need to make their own decisions, whether that is choosing to be a stay-at-home mother or to work. Some suggested for our government to model our healthcare system after our foreign counterparts which allows one parent to stay at home and one parent to work.
Other responses stated the solution is to invest in livable wages for the childcare workforce or implement a mask mandate in schools so parents can feel safe sending their children to school. In the end, Twitter agreed that the factors that contribute to women not returning to the workforce are not entirely due to our poor childcare system alone.
How Childcare Affects Working Black Mothers
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Yahoo News reports before the pandemic, Black mothers struggled to access affordable childcare and had lower workplace flexibility. The cost of childcare has increased pressure on Black mothers who were juggling work and childcare responsibilities.
According to the National Women's Law Center, Black women over the age of 20 have faced the largest drop in employment since the start of the pandemic and have an unemployment rate of 7.6% as of July 2021. Black women also experienced more job losses since July 2021, while women overall gained jobs.
The Stats
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According to CNBC, about 3 million women have left the workforce since the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic in 2020. And in September, 300,000 women left the workforce, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics jobs report. News outlets report that getting women back into the workforce is a key factor in sustaining the U.S. economy. The industries that suffered the most job losses are state and local government, and private education. Combined, this is a total of 676,000 jobs lost before the pandemic.
Not only is childcare expensive, but childcare industries are also suffering a shortage of workers as many are taking jobs with higher pay. U.S. News states the childcare business has operated in a broken market. Low wages for workers and high costs for consumers. Coupled with the pandemic, the lack of affordable childcare limits jobs people can accept and harder for many to climb the corporate ladder.
Since the pandemic, 9% of licensed childcare programs have permanently closed. Between December 2019 and March 2021, roughly 16,000 centers and in-home daycares in 37 states no longer exist. With that said, many women are opting to stay home with their children and accept lower-paying wages rather than spend their entire paycheck on increased daycare tuition.
The Great Resignation
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Many women, regardless of color and age are carving their own path. It's not just about the lack of childcare, it's about the quality of life for all women. Single, married, kids, or no kids. We straight up told Uncle Sam, "NO. I am not doing this anymore." And honestly, America needs to catch up to our neighboring countries in achieving a desired work-life balance.
Even though remote work is readily available, the way our workforce is structured and systemized just ain't it. We are still pouring the majority of our time into a job title and not truly living.
In an article by CBS News, the number of job transitions for women has surged to 54% in 2021 compared to a year ago. The pandemic allowed many of us to reassess not just our careers, but our happiness and well-being. We took a moment to sit with the fact that we were burnt out. With infinite time on our hands, we had to realize what is important to us. We had to ask ourselves if our current jobs and salaries are worth the sacrifice. And for many women, the most important thing to us is freedom, time, and flexibility.
Women have begun to bet on themselves and take risks. And why wouldn't we take the risk? Women are resilient. We tend to always land on our feet. It's a movement, not a crisis. We are living authentically, flourishing in our purpose, thriving in our element, and securing the bag. Since the pandemic, women have quit their corporate jobs to pursue their true passion or entrepreneurship.
According to a study by Northwestern Mutual and OnePoll, 10% of Americans have quit their job to pursue their dreams. The study also revealed 50% of women are willing to explore making a bold move like this compared to men at 44%.
The Solution
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Women have fought so hard throughout history for equal rights, status, and pay. Now, there is a call to action to use this newfound power to fix something we didn't break or mismanage? It's not the responsibility of a specific gender, women, to fix this economy. The solution starts with realizing how much our society has changed as a whole, the direction women are moving in, and building a structure and/or system to accommodate those changes. And the reality is, we are moving far away from traditional jobs or careers more and more. I will say the solution is complex and it always will be. When it comes to policy and programs, it's difficult to know where to start without adversely affecting another group of people, budget, economy, and/or industry.
While the majority of people leaving the U.S. workforce are women, it is not without cause. I know because I was one of them. As we entered the pandemic and we navigated a mandated quarantine, I too was faced with the decision of whether or not I was going to reenter the workforce. Once you have experienced the level of freedom and flexibility that most people dream of, it's a hard thing to walk away from let alone give up. You'll do almost anything to protect this level of peace. Once you realize your full potential and that you have the power to create the life you want to live, the possibilities are endless. I mean, we have women moving overseas and converting vans into living spaces now.
For me, the writing was on the wall. I decided I wanted to choose how I show up in the workforce. It was my choice to make regardless of tradition, conditional beliefs, cultural norms, and social standards. I refused to blindly continue to buy into companies that were solely concerned with my performance or my level of profitability. And like many of my sisters, I chose myself. I always will. Now here I am, a published writer, an independent consultant, and a small business owner.
I have to say, what a time to be alive.
And as we begin to close out 2021 and prepare to enter 2022, there is no better time to be a woman.
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When female rappers entered the scene, they showed up with bars as prolific or better than their male counterparts — dressed from head to toe in a sexy tomboy flair that was beyond captivating on stage. Black women emcees have created their own lane, starting from battle rapping about systemic challenges in the Bronx, N.Y., to going all the way "Up" with Cardi B celebrating sexual liberation.
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However, some of the biggest challenges in hip-hop music lie in the lack of radical feminism in the genre that shows a vast display of Black women artists of every shade, size, and sexuality—without being hypersexualized. They all need to be seen and celebrated as a mass-market artist.
Over the last few generations, the evolution of hip-hop's purpose and sound has changed dramatically—mainly for mass production and consumption. That's expected because change is inevitable in every form of music, but hip-hop is unique. It was used to amplify the voice of the unheard and highlight systemic oppression related to race and class issues. However, its hypermasculine aspect has always made combating sexism one of the most complex areas to address and has posed a challenge to forging progressive, long-term opportunities for Black women rappers.
Hip-hop scholar Kylie Thompson states in the analysis, When Feminism Meets Hip-Hop, "Some female hip-hop emcees have been able to challenge the sexist culture of the industry and assert a black feminist voice; albeit the large-scale commercialization of hip-hop makes it especially difficult for women's voices to be heard in a political context that runs counter to pervasive patriarchal structures. Thus, women must carefully adapt, form, and manipulate language in order to make their music both marketable and political."
These circumstances have made it significantly more difficult for women rappers to compete in a market that could care less about women succeeding in it because a high percentage of the content is about objectifying them.
Cardi B Megan Thee Stallion GIF by Recording Academy / GRAMMYsGiphyBlack women emcees carry a different burden on their shoulders: to be Black, female, get the same opportunities as their male counterparts and remain in high demand on the global charts. Black artists shouldn't just be the backbone to the sound. They should also be the face of the evolved sound.
This is a tribute to icons and hold them accountable so we can all show up better for all Black female hip-hop artists in the game, respectfully!
Let's take a deep dive of the evolution of hip-hop, amplifying the various forms of feminism throughout the genre's history, addressing hypersexuality, colorism, pretty privilege, and body positivity:
Black Feminism in Hip-Hop: Radical vs. Liberal
Before we can talk about the state of Black women artists in hip-hop, we must first broach the subject of feminism and the essence it carries in the music. Though every Black women artist isn't as intentional about being a feminist, most of the world automatically perceives them to be because of the lineage that several Black women iconic emcees started prior. There are two primary forms of feminism that are often conveyed in hip-hop; radical and libreral feminism, they are both needed, but the bigger question is whether they are both as appreciated by today's society.
Radical Black feminism came first because it was the only acceptable way to compete in the market with their male counterparts in the 70s. Hip-hop feminism centers Black women's voices via hip-hop as a means to increase agency, self-definition, and self-determination. Self-definition, according to scholar Patrick D. Bennett, refers to how Black women express their identities and experiences for themselves, while self-determination allows for Black women to choose who or what they want to be. In the documentary My Mic Sounds Nice: The Truth About Women and Hip-Hop, legendary hip-hop artist Roxanne Shantel said, "It wasn't about make-up or having outfits ready, I rapped in whatever I had on when I had a show or battle rap because it was about talent not looks."
In this timeframe of hip-hop, if you weren't a lyricist as a women emcee, you couldn't compete. And Black women rap artists like MC Lyte, Salt-N-Pepa, J.J.Fad, Queen Latifah, and the one-and-only Ms. Lauryn Hill, didn't hesitate to challenge sexism, addressing men and how they talk to or talk about women.
Queen Latifah GIF by VH1 Hip Hop HonorsGiphyHip-hop thought leader Imani Perry has written about this struggle within the male-dominated field, stating, "As a masculinist form with masculinist aesthetics, hip-hop and the art form's masculinist ideals of excellence and competitiveness have often forced women to occupy roles gendered male."
And the freedom men have to be anything they want to be, and most of society enables them without question, isn't the same expectation that applies to women—who are more likely to get harshly criticized by society collectively.
As hip-hop evolved in the 90s, the sound changed dramatically from women hip-hop artists, and liberal feminism became more mainstream and left radical feminism a bit in the shadows of hip-hop instead of it being its main focus. Kylie further states that "liberal feminism boils down to individualism, positing the individual as the 'be all, end-all of social life. This line of reasoning essentially aims to change or undo the socialization of individuals so that women can have and do what men can have and do." Liberal feminism brought forth undeniable individuality but took away from perpetuating social change and ignored the more significant issue of patriarchy.
In comparison, radical feminism addresses the collective issues the patriarchal system often looks away from. There is space for both radical and liberal feminism. But when it becomes too much of one versus the other, it often becomes detrimental to Black women rappers' progression in the industry.
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Hypersexuality orchestrated by female hip-hop artists has become one of today's modern-day forms of feminism — to some, it may be an illusion, and to others, it may be perceived as power. The rise of liberal feminism exploring sexual liberation stemmed from the '90s with female artists Lil' Kim and Foxy Brown, both having an aligned rise in the industry that led to a divine royal battle. They brought unapologetic power to Black women's stance in hip-hop; both of them were phenomenal rappers that everyone wanted to listen to.
If you weren't listening to Notorious K.I.M., you were listening to Chyna Doll. But their sexualized stance also subconsciously brought a lot of pressure to other Black women artists in the industry.
In the documentary, My Mic Sounds Nice: The Truth about Women and Hip-Hop, Missy Elliott talked about feeling that "maybe I gotta go a little tighter to be sexy to be more acceptable," after Kim and Foxy took over the scene.
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This changed the game entirely for women emcees and has made it a lot harder for radical women rappers to have a chance at success in mainstream hip-hop because most music today is being based on sexualization and very little content that speaks to the reality of the everyday woman.
Feminist writer Ariel Levy affirmed this further by saying that such a culture isn't progressive when women are capable of acting as participants of their own objectification. So we can't just blame men for objectifying us when now we are taking part in the same perspective to convince society that Black women rappers are enough and are as valuable to their male counterparts and that we'll agree to produce what sells most, delivering a homogeneous perspective of female dominance in today's hip-hop climate.
We have to be held as accountable as our male counterparts if we want to see sustaining change.
Communications studies professor-Jared Ball of Morgan State University wrote, "Today's contemporary hip-hop from women paves a space for these women, instead, to become the representative, as they have been increasingly able to compete and succeed with the men in the same genre. Regardless of artistic intent and the artist's desire to claim agency of their own bodies, these still may not exempt them from objectification."
So though Black women rappers are finally taking up more of the spotlight, their integrity is being challenged based on how they'd like to present themselves. Do all women in the game want to show more skin, or is it encouraged by people behind the lens of those scenarios?
twerk good form GIF by Nicki MinajGiphyTo paint a picture of how powerful hypersexuality is in the industry, let's think of some of the most popular Black women rappers, Nicki Minaj, Cardi B, and Megan Thee Stallion. Though Minaj may be a bit more well-versed in the content she raps about, her biggest hits stem from the hypersexual lens. Lyrics like these featured in her song "Boss Ass Bitch":
P-p-p-pussy like girls
Damn, is my pussy gay?
It's a holiday, Play-With-My-Pussy Day
Pussy this, pussy that, pussy taken
Pussy ride dick like she a Jamaican
Pussy stay warm, pussy on vacation
You loose bitches need a pussy renovation
Y-y-you could eat it with a pussy reservation
P-p-pussy 'bout to get a standin' ovation
Clap, clap, clap for this pussy, nigga
The line, "But I can't give this pussy to a pussy nigga" depicts the imagery of manipulation and power plays gained through sex.
Most of Megan Thee Stallion's Billboard hits are all hypersexualized, from "Body," "Cry Baby," "Thot Shit," and "Savage," to "Hot Girl Summer."
In Stallion's song "Cry Baby," she raps:
Lay on my stomach, toot it up, do the crybaby (crybaby)
Look back, hold it open, now he annihilated (yeah)
Moaning like a bitch when he hit this pussy
Damn, he probably wanna wear my hoodie (ah)
Choke me, spank me, look at me, thank me (thank me)
If I give it to another nigga, he'll hate me (he'll hate me)
Spit, slurp, give him that work
Fell too fast for me, now the nigga hurt."
Cardi B Booty GIF by Megan Thee StallionGiphyAnd as a result of parading the excess liberal feminism, she was recently awarded three Grammys in 2021 for "Best New Artist," "Best Rap Song," and "Best Rap Performance"—so in more ways than one society is fully here for hypersexuality being the center of the conversation.
And Cardi B's Billboard hits like "Up," "WAP," "Wildside" have been in high demand based on the several weeks they stayed glued to the top 10 spots on the Billboard charts. So at this point, their success sets the mark for what's in demand from Black women artists compared to vice versa. Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion's "WAP" came in at No. 2 on the staff's pick of the best rap songs for 2020, and it spent four weeks as No.1 spot on the Billboard charts.
Then you have our good sis Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda," which spent 26 weeks at No.1 on the Billboard charts and perpetuates the image that appeals to mass audiences. Because of its success, this type of music will continue to be produced.
In that sense, liberal feminism supersedes the industry beliefs of radical feminism and its ability to sell. Sex sells, and songs about the collective do not.
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The one-and-only Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (That Thing)," produced in 1998, was No. 1 on the Billboard charts for 22 weeks? The insanely talented and lyricist Missy Elliott still doesn't have a Billboard No.1 hit to this day, which is disheartening because of the impact she has had on hip-hop music, coming through with unmatched energy and bars as charismatic as any man or woman before or after her—yet it is not as valued collectively by music executives and society.
Where does the hip-hop industry allow women like Rapsody, Tierra Whack, NoName, Chika, and Little Simz the same opportunity to shine like most mainstream women artists that often project the homogeneous lens to thrive and compete in this highly ego-driven industry?
Pretty Ugly GIF by Tierra WhackGiphyIn many ways, we can't fully blame liberal women artists because they are trying to compete in a market that was never built for them, but the question is at what cost? Hip-hop scholars mentioned, "Many women have turned to claim or embrace their sexualities under the guise of true empowerment because they feel valued as a sexual object... But this liberal sexual empowerment, claiming the right to assert the individual agency to sexualize oneself, is only an illusion because the power given still comes from men and the male gaze."
And the biggest question of them all is why are most mainstream Black women artists light skin, bi-racial, or racially ambiguous, and the majority of the underground women rappers are dark skin women?
It's far from ironic that this is very much on script with the extensive history of colorism that affects Black women more than Black men in the music industry.
Colorism, Pretty Privilege And Body Positivity In Hip-Hop
Colorism to many ears may come off like a tiresome topic, but it's a very much-needed conversation in regards to dark skin Black women being misrepresented in the industry. And often, feelings of inadequacy crafted by colorist themes materialize in Black female rappers as well. Years ago, Lil' Kim spoke about her deep-rooted insecurities based on her complexion and body, leading to her extensive obsession with tons of cosmetic surgeries and skin bleaching.
Kim stated, "I have low self-esteem, and I always have. Guys always cheated on me with women who were European-looking. You know, the long-hair type, really beautiful women that left me thinking, 'How can I compete with that?' Being a regular black girl wasn't good enough."
Lil' Kim's struggle with being a "regular Black girl," and the apparent rejection of her Blackness by Black men even before entering the rap industry shows that America's European standards of beauty produce a proclivity for light skin by men and a lack of self-confidence in Black women, as seen in Lil' Kim.
lil kim GIF by VH1 Hip Hop HonorsGiphyWith these European standards of beauty palpable in every part of the media and pop culture, its presence in rap is not nonplus. However, rap could change this narrative of "light is right." That toxic mindset and pretty privilege often co-exist in the hip-hop industry, allowing many individuals instant success if they fit a certain aesthetic. An interesting exception was when Saweetie went viral after she dropped her single "Icy Girl" and Hot 97's Ebro Darden didn't perpetuate the same narrative during an interview in February 2018. He described her freestyle as "basic" and mentioned she needed to work harder to "impress" him.
Regardless of his commentary, the bar is very low for certain female rappers to have easy access to success over their peers based on complexion. The industry is not as much fixated on thought-provoking lyrics and their impact. When you add the layers of additional intersectional walks of sexuality, particularly darker shades of women, and fatphobia–there is an inevitable amount of trauma and rejection to work through.
2018 GIF by BET Hip Hop AwardsGiphyGrammy-nominated artist Chika told The Root,, "I am not the spokesperson for body positivity. I'm not the spokesperson for being dark-skinned. I'm not the spokesperson for having a nappy-ass dread head. I am none of those things. Stop asking me questions that you should figure out for yourself."
The reality is Black men aren't pressed because they are dark skinned or wear their fades or cornrows, but Black women are often trolled for their Blackness, and the guidelines are incredibly rigid and overwhelming to maneuver through. It's like just being Black and a woman is a more significant problem.
When white women wear our same hairstyles and get the additional surgeries enhancements, it's edgy and glorified, but let a Black woman be herself, and it's a problem. In Lizzo and Cardi B's song "Rumors" the duo challenges stereotypes of their personal trauma of not ever feeling like they amount too much, Lizzo is tenaciously working through fatphobia commentary.
And Cardi B recently addressed rumors about her BBL and other surgeries to enhance her assets. The reality is, there have been an underlying, deep-rooted issues in hip-hop that normalize the practice of artists suppressing their pain and insecurities.
This needs to be dismantled so Black women artists can have the space to not always feel like they need to take life-threatening measures for validation or to compete.
The Future For Black Women In Hip-Hop
Saweetie Dojacat GIF by Trés SheGiphyThe moral of the story: We need the balance of both worlds—radical and liberal feminism. There is room for both conversations to be had; everything does not revolve around sex, we can also make space to address the other hundreds of topics that we face as women. The market is currently too fixated on one area over another. And it continually takes away many opportunities from radical artists and leaves women questioning their integrity regarding showing more skin than they're comfortable with to be competitive in this market.
Some of the things women mainstream rappers can do to help shed light on rappers opposite of them is to seek them out and propose a collaboration. Whether it be a single, being an opener at their show, or just promoting their work to change the narrative of there being only one main type of women rapper in today's hip-hop.
The world may have found ways to commodify the sound, but there is power in unity and sculpting a new art form of hip-hop music.
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I had wanted to respond right away to the offer. But I decided to listen to my intuition and take the weekend to sit with the email I received late one Friday afternoon. I started to rationalize their response in my head, almost wanting to accept the offer. I thought to myself, "Don't take it personally. Don't get offended, this is business."
I'm nice, not naive.
Corporate America taught me, and a big four consulting firm raised me.
And they taught me extremely well. Corporate America might have ruined my life at one point, but they didn't leave me without the knowledge and experience to succeed at anything I do. It broke me down and built me up, but I bounced back one hundred times better. Now, I can make boss moves like this.
BTW, this is the only damn thing I am thanking Corporate America for.
Everything inside of me knew my client was trying it and trying me. On the real though, I low-key love it when people try me because they don't expect the clap back. And one thing about me is I will clap back when necessary. And I do it with grace and eloquence. Always. Come that Sunday night, I strategically drafted an email to my client clarifying my role, scope of work, work product, and deliverables. I stated all the facts. Come that Monday morning, I clicked on the send button and the email was sent.
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I was confident. I know who I am. I know what I'm doing. And I told no lies. There are ethics to this shit.
Not only did I know my client was trying it, so did my circle. This is where the importance of the right people in your circle comes to play. A remote working session with two of my homegirls allowed me to further talk through the situation. When I gave them my life update, their initial reaction was, "OH, HELL NO." They were angry and in their feelings for me too. One of my friends also pointed out, "They tried to box you into a title and role you were never doing as an 'employee' when you're an independent consultant." She was right, and I had completely looked over this small detail.
Maybe this is why I felt slighted as all hell.
Because I'm not working for someone anymore, I am working with them. And that's where some clients have it all the way fucked up. I have most of the say so, not them. I set my rates and hours, not them. My homegirls immediately reminded me of my worth. And I was ever so grateful. It gave me the confidence to stand by my response and be prepared to make certain decisions.
Listen.
If your friends don't remind you of your worth, they ain't it.
If your friends don't help you plan your exit strategy, they ain't it.
If your friends don't help you to play big, they definitely ain't it.
If your friends don't encourage you to be bold and brave, they ain't it either.
I walked away from a six-figure salary and title, what makes anyone think I wouldn't walk away from a client?
Not all money is good money. Your currency is your time, energy, and peace. You cannot put a price point or a market value on these things.
You have to know your worth more than any dollar amount or currency in this world.
And I want to remind you to always know your worth in any space.
For more job search tips, career advice and profiles, check out the xoNecole Workin Girl section here.
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However, my husband had just graduated from dental school and got a job in Dallas, TX. I truly believed God had shown me that this was the perfect time to transition. And although I knew the unknown wouldn't be easy (new city, new experience of defining work for myself), I could've never imagined just how difficult this change would be.
I've read a lot of inspirational blog posts about leaving your 9-to-5 and pursuing your passions, entrepreneurship, and #blackgirlbosses. They usually tell us to push fear aside, chase after our dreams, and be OK with failing because the process is worth it in the end. But in all my reading, I've never seen anyone talk about the other struggle that comes with entrepreneurship, specifically that of an independent black woman.
You see, when I left my job, I didn't have a set plan. I had just launched a blog with an idea to parlay that into a larger business, but the logistics weren't there. So, I used the first few months of unemployment to seek God and gain clarity and direction for my vision. Then, I began to work toward it: writing blog posts, promoting content on social media accounts, adding in YouTube videos, and creating a monthly newsletter. And all the while, my income remained at zero. Sure, I had a few final checks roll in from my previous job, but after they were deposited, it was nada.
For the first time in a very long time, I didn't have an income.
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And I quickly realized that this was challenging for my independent self.
But, I know you're thinking, you mentioned that your husband graduated from dental school, right? Yes, my husband is a dentist, which is another reason why the timing of the transition worked out. He was now going to have an income to support us both, so I truly had the opportunity to not work traditionally or be concerned about making money so that I could focus on starting my business.
You would assume that provision would put me at ease, but I have to be honest: it did the opposite. I know there are many women who would love for a man to fully provide for them, and although I understood that it was a blessing, I wouldn't quite say my feelings toward it were joyous.
I continued battling with these feelings one evening as my husband and I talked. I was discouraged by the different expenses that came along with starting my own business and even more so by the fact that I needed to keep spending without contributing financially to our household. Now, this type of conversation wasn't new for us. I'd cry about my no-income insecurities and my husband would remind me that although he's working, it's our money; I am working toward something greater that will benefit us in the future, and I contribute in so many ways beyond the finances. And even though, mentally, I knew all these things were true, emotionally my heart couldn't accept them.
"Maybe I'll get a real job," tears filled my eyes as I spoke. "That way I can bring money in and not feel like a leech." My husband looked at me lovingly and asked, "Babe, why can't you just let me take care of you?"
It was at that moment that I realized a profound but sad truth: I didn't know how.
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I don't know how to be taken care of. It hurts to write this, but I need to let it sink in.
I'm newly married and now in a position to be taken care of, but I don't know how to allow my husband to do that.
And I realized it's because throughout my life, I have rarely had that luxury. When I was younger, I used to love singing along with Ne-Yo to "She Got Her Own". It wasn't until I got older that I realized she had no other choice.
How many black women are independent because they've had to be? Because as a child, you saw your single mother struggling to raise you and your siblings, so you made it a point to take the pressure off her, at least when it came to providing for you? In my hometown, we could start working at age 15 and a half, and six months after my 15th birthday, I had my first job at Kroger. Of course, I didn't make much, but I was able to use my little paychecks to buy my school clothes and take a small burden off my mother.
In college, I saw those around me receive financial help from their parents, yet I was solely responsible for all my expenses. I applied for every scholarship available to help pay my tuition, bought a used car with my refund check, and worked multiple internships to pay my rent and cover books, food, and gas. I had no other choice.
And not only have I continued providing for myself, but I am also the one who usually financially supports my family. So, it makes sense that being a "receiver" is foreign to me when I've been used to my "giver" role—marriage included. When my husband and I first got married in 2018, he was in dental school while I worked. Although he contributed financially from his tutoring gigs or DoorDash runs (bless his heart), I was the real breadwinner for the first two years of our marriage.
Although my husband constantly reminds me that I supported us then so that now he can, it's still so easy for me to feel uncomfortable in this position.
There is a sense of comfort that comes with knowing you're fully taken care of and you don't need to hustle and grind to make ends meet. Many black women have given themselves that comfort because they didn't have other dependable options.
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I have prided myself on being an independent black woman. I'm proud that I was able to take care of myself and still can if need be. But, I am coming to realize that if left unchecked, this self-sufficiency can hinder me from experiencing a different type of freedom.
There is so much power in having a choice, and for so long, my only choice was to depend on myself. But this season is teaching me that I can provide for myself in a new and much-needed way: by allowing someone else to support me.
Working so much to provide for my financial needs caused me to neglect many personal aspirations. But now I am able to support a different part of myself because I'm choosing to receive.
Accepting support is a form of self-care, something even the most Destiny's Child-esque independent women need. And it's more than OK to embrace this option when you're blessed to have that choice—sometimes it's the best way to truly look out for you.
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