What I Learned From A Therapist About Being More Vulnerable In Relationships
By now we know it takes vulnerability to establish long-lasting and healthy relationships of all kinds. For someone like me, who is aware of this but a hot mess when it comes to execution, this is easier said than done. So, I spoke to a professional on tangible tips to explore my vulnerable side. India Douglas, LMSW works at a school in Brooklyn, New York teaching underserved kids the fundamentals when it comes to understanding feelings.
She also became a teletherapist at Brooklyn Center for Psychotherapy for all ages and genders during the pandemic at a time when vulnerability issues became a hot topic of discussion. Her background with the building blocks of emotions, I felt was perfect to break down the root of my vulnerability issues and how to move forward.
While she has never treated me, for the purposes of this story, I did share with her a few intimate details about my struggles with opening up wholeheartedly to those I care about. "Your diagnosis would probably be somewhere within the anxiety wheelhouse. It sounds as if you have issues opening up because you fear the response of what would happen if you did and the what-ifs," she explained. "If you get treated at Brooklyn Center for Psychotherapy, you might get an unspecified anxiety disorder diagnosis (found in the DSM-5). Later, they might put a specifier in there, based on whatever past experiences you share with your therapist."
Below find her tips for myself and others like me to navigate the ins and outs of being vulnerable.
How you should work on being more vulnerable:
"Before you get vulnerable with someone else, that vulnerability needs to start with yourself. You have to start by asking yourself the questions that you've been dodging in the back of your head. Begin journaling and really thinking about any traumas that you've had. Also, if something that you struggle with is anxiety—which is just the fear of the unknown—write down a list of what you're afraid of, and then the possible outcomes. Ask yourself, 'What if that did happen? Is it the worst thing? Is it the end of the world? What are you fearing from being that vulnerable? What reaction am I afraid of getting?' Write it down, look at it, stare at it and then figure out, 'OK, if this happened how would I respond to it?' It takes away that fear of the unknown.
"Vulnerability lies a lot with understanding your triggers. A lot of people are triggered by things that are attached to trauma or situations that happened in their childhood. When another person doesn't know these triggers, their reaction can come off negative. But when they do, then you open up a conversation and better communication between each other. So, if you're not open to understanding what your triggers are, how can you possibly be open to being vulnerable with somebody else? That's why people need to take time before they get into romantic relationships to get to know themselves—which can sometimes take years. That doesn't mean you can't date in the meantime, but it does mean that the more you know about yourself, the more you can share with your partner."
How to be more vulnerable in your relationships:
"When it comes to a romantic partner, I suggest taking each other out on dates. One takes the other out on a date and on that date, that's the date planners' day to be vulnerable and talk there about things. Don't approach the date like 'I got a bone to pick with you.' It shouldn't feel like a meeting or something you're dreading. It should be more like, 'This is my date day so I get to pick the spot and choose the topic of discussion this time.' And then next week is your date day to go where you want to go and discuss what you want to discuss. You can do this with family members too if you're trying to build or repair that relationship. Maybe not indefinitely, but for a period of time that gets you both to a better place.
"The number one thing I recommend is couples counseling. The best relationships are where you're in therapy, your partner is in therapy, and you are jointly in therapy. That is the best way to move forward. [Also,] there are card games like We're Not Really Strangers. That's a fun way to kind of get to know someone that you're interested in a bit deeper, and literally laying your cards on the table."
How to be open and expressive if you’re afraid of being vulnerable:
"For someone who is not good at being vulnerable, it might feel like, 'I want to be vulnerable with you but I'm scared of being vulnerable with you, and by me having even this conversation with you, is me being vulnerable.' Lean into your strengths instead of focusing on your weaknesses.
"If your strength is drawing, draw a picture that expresses how you feel; if your strength is music, play a song that expresses how you feel; if writing is your strength, write a letter or a card—everybody has certain strengths. You want to play off those strengths, they will empower you."
Being vulnerable with someone who is not receptive:
"If you do step out of your comfort zone and are vulnerable with someone, and they're not receptive, then that is a sign that this person is not ready to be vulnerable back with you. It takes two. Instead, focus on why you're seeking validation from this person who's incapable of giving you what you're giving of yourself. If you feel like this is a person that you want to work on things with, speak to them about it. Have them own up to it. And if they're unable to do that, then move on to somebody else who's willing and ready to be just as vulnerable as you, because it doesn't work if one person is putting in all the work."
How to receive someone’s vulnerability when being outwardly emotional doesn’t come naturally:
"By saying to them that you hear them and you are appreciative of them being vulnerable with you. Then add that you need some time to digest what was just said to you so that you can give them the proper reaction to that vulnerability. Sometimes when people have a hard time being vulnerable and then other people being vulnerable back, they go into a shell. That's something that needs to be shared with the other person so that they don't feel like, 'Wow, I just laid it all on the line and this person just blinked at me.'"
Patterns, behaviors, and language that should be established to create a space for vulnerability:
"Setting boundaries is a good place to start because once you establish your boundaries, you can figure out who you can trust. Once that trust is established, then the vulnerability just spills out. I feel statements which go something like, 'I feel like this and because of that, I would like this from you moving forward.' Ifeel statements are good because you're starting from the feelings and it's not an attack on that person. It's just you talking about how you feel."
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Featured image by SDI Productions/Getty Images
Originally published on March 31, 2021
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Jazmine A. Ortiz is a creative born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn and currently living in Staten Island, NY. She started in the entertainment industry in 2012 and now works as a Lifestyle Editor where she explores everything from mental health to vegan foodie trends. For more on what she's doing in the digital space follow her on Instagram at @liddle_bitt.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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So, here’s the deal: if you’re over the age of 35, perimenopause can last anywhere from a few months to an entire freakin’ decade. And so, if you’re wondering why I’m talking about menopause more often these days…now you know.
Okay and just what does perimenopause and especially menopause have to do with your skin? Chile, where do I even start? SMDH. Probably the easiest way to explain it is that when your estrogen and progesterone levels drop (which is what automatically happens during that time of life), it can directly impact how your skin both looks and feels. Your skin may feel drier, thinner, or appear less “full” (meaning plump) — and all of that can make it look older than you want it to.
Honestly, that’s why a lot of skincare products are marketed as being “anti-aging”; it’s their gentle way of saying skin that is perimenopausal or menopausal. In fact, I actually read that during the first five years of menopause, it’s pretty common to lose as much as 30 percent of the collagen that’s in your system (check out “We Lose Collagen As We Age. 10 Ways To Naturally Boost It.”). And since collagen plays such a significant role in your skin retaining moisture, having elasticity, and avoiding the fine lines and wrinkles that most of us would prefer to put off for as long as we possibly can, it’s important to do what can be done, even now, to keep a youthful and radiant glow.
So, let’s get into it. Because there is indeed such a thing as menopause skincare (the anti-aging industry brings in literally billions of dollars every year because of it), I want to share 12 things that you can proactively do to care for your own skin: whether you’re in perimenopause, menopause, post-menopause or just…curious.
1. Eat More Phytoestrogens
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Okay, so since you lose quite a bit of estrogen during menopause, if you don’t want your skin to look like you did, you should consider consuming some phytoestrogens. Those are foods like dried fruits, garlic, plums, pears, apples, onions, and collards that come from plant-based estrogen. Since phytoestrogens are able to do everything from bring more hydration into your skin to boost your collagen levels, if you want to “push pause” on the aging process of your skin from the inside out, eating phytoestrogens is certainly one way to do it.
2. Also, Consume More Collagen-Enriched Foods
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We already touched on what collagen is able to do, which is why it’s a good idea to eat foods that are rich in this particular structural protein as well. Chicken, broccoli, bone broth, berries, cashews, egg whites, and citrus fruit can get you right in this department. Know what else can? Green tea.
3. Enjoy Some Dark Chocolate
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Women who are postmenopausal should consume dark chocolate on a consistent basis because it helps with their heart health. Something else that research reveals is dark chocolate is great when it comes to boosting cognitive function (which can also decline during menopause when it comes to your memory). Your skin could use dark chocolate because it increases blood circulation to it. Also, dark chocolate can protect your skin from damaging UV rays. And since dark chocolate helps to reduce stress, that is just one more reason to snack on it — and perhaps why you should consider applying a dark chocolate face mask a couple of times a month, too (you can check out some more info via StyleCraze on all of that here).
By the way, it should go on record that the key is not to pick up a Hershey’s bar on your way home. You need to eat the kind of dark chocolate that contains no less than 65-70 percent cocoa. Yep, the less sweet and more chalk-like it tastes, the better (just sayin’).
4. Put Aloe Vera Juice in Your Drinks
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The antibacterial, antioxidant, and anti-inflammatory properties in (pure) aloe vera juice can do wonders for your system. Not only is it full of antioxidants and vitamin C, but aloe vera juice can also help to improve digestion, regulate your blood sugar levels, improve your oral health, soothe heartburn, and keep your vision healthy and strong. As far as your skin goes, aloe vera juice will definitely help it to maintain a proper level of moisture. As a bonus, it can also help to increase collagen production and improve elasticity in your skin.
Oh, if the thought of drinking aloe vera juice straight makes you slightly want to throw up in your mouth, take it from me that if you put a tablespoon in your juice or smoothie, you will hardly even notice that it’s there.
5. Up Your Water Intake
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Our bodies are made up of mostly water; so, of course, we need it. How much? For regular maintenance purposes, many health experts say that we, as women, can benefit from nine cups a day. If you want to shed a few pounds, 1-2 liters are recommended. And when it comes to dealing with menopause, in general, and avoiding dry skin that comes from it, at least do the bare minimum (although adding a couple of glasses of water to that would be ideal). The bottom line here is hydrate, hydrate, HYDRATE. If you want to get a leg up on menopausal skin, that’s gonna be how you do it best.
6. Take a Probiotic
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You’re gonna be hard-pressed to read something on gut health and not see a probiotic mentioned (check out “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.”). That’s because there is plenty of data out here to support that taking a probiotic can do wonders for keeping your intestinal health in great condition. Your skin will thrive off of a probiotic because, not only is it proven to decrease the amount of water that your skin loses, but it also helps to improve the quality of your skin too.
7. “Seal Your Skin” with Marula Oil
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If you want your skin to look as young as it possibly can, it’s always a good idea to look for products that contain a lot of antioxidants, essential fatty acids, and amino acids; one of those is marula oil (which is an oil that comes from marula fruit). In fact, one of the reasons why it gets a shout-out here is a lot of skincare experts recommend that you use it to “seal in moisture.” And since that is a great way to keep water in your skin (for longer) after taking a shower or bath, if you’re looking for the perfect oil to keep your skin feeling super soft and hydrated, hours after washing up, marula oil is one to keep in mind (plum oil is pretty bomb too, by the way).
8. Hyaluronic Acid Is Your Friend
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Over the past several months, something that I’ve been becoming more and more of a fan of is hyaluronic acid (check out “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday”). As far as menopause goes, it can actually help to naturally treat vaginal atrophy in postmenopausal women. Also, when it comes to your skin, since it actually has the ability to make it more flexible — well, that can make fine lines and wrinkles less of a visible issue.
9. Do Chemical Peels
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Last fall, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “I've Been Doing At-Home Chemical Peels. Here Are The Pros And Cons.” I did it because, ever since I started doing chemical peels, I’ve started to see a nice shift in both the appearance as well as the texture of my skin. Anyway, since fine lines and acne are two things that oftentimes come with menopausal skin (more on pimples in a bit), and that is just what chemical peels help to treat, applying them on a consistent basis could be a wise move. You can get a potent chemical peel from a skin professional, or you can do what I do and go the lighter route at home. I’ve had no regrets (other than not fully following the directions and getting a mild chemical burn on my face once in the beginning) since doing so.
10. Try CeraVe (No Joke)
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I can’t remember the last time that I watched television, and a doggone CeraVe commercial didn't come on at some point. Personally, I’ve never used any of the products before — I might consider it now, though. Apparently, “the ceramides in CeraVe” are exactly what our skin is longing for during perimenopause and menopause. Long story short, ceramides are the fats that are in our skin cells; they actually make up around 30-40 percent of the outer layers of our skin. And since you not only lose quite a bit of ceramides during menopause, their structure tends to change too — next time you’re at the store, picking up a CeraVe moisturizer certainly couldn’t hurt.
11. Do Research on “Menopausal Acne”
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It’s like it never ends. Lawd. Okay, so why in the world, would we as grown-ass women, end up with acne? The bottom line here is just like hormonal fluctuations can trigger breakouts in teenagers, pretty much the same thing can happen to us during perimenopause and menopause. From what I’ve read and researched, as far as how to treat it, you can do similar things that you did as an adolescent (if acne was an issue), including applying benzoyl peroxide and topical retinoids. Although, if you’ve never been to a dermatologist before, this may be the time to do it. They may be able to customize a skincare regimen that can make getting through this season of acne a lot easier for you.
12. Don’t Forget About Sunscreen
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Even though we’re more melanated than any other demographic (and I love that for us!), it is ridiculous to think that skin cancer cares about that. Know what else some of us need to let go of? The belief is that we only need protection from the sun during the summer months. Listen, so long as the sun is shining, rays are beaming, and they can ultimately damage our skin (even in the wintertime). And since menopause makes skin thinner, which ultimately means that it’s more vulnerable, you definitely need to make sunscreen a part of your daily skincare routine, now more than ever. You can check out a list of some of the best sunscreens for our complexion(s) here.
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Menopause skin prep. Chile, you ain’t gotta tell me — I’m right there with you, somewhere in perimenopause. Hopefully, this intel will make shifting into the transition easier to bear…so that “Black not cracking” can remain intact. Even during the seasons of (perimenopause) and menopause.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images