Billy Chapata On Why This Generation Struggles With Love
There's something about a man who's not afraid to be vulnerable.
Mask off. Walls down. Baring all, including the soul that the former tries to protect. With vulnerability comes an honesty so refreshing, it's like water—it's truth unwrapped. It's love personified, for to be vulnerable is to be selfless.
Though in the case of Billy Chapata (also known as iambrillyant)—author, writer and poet extraordinaire—that same vulnerability that's written and released for the world to receive, is actually a form of selfishness on his part. I first became introduced to his poetry and affirmations in a series of tweets that came across my timeline.
I decided then and there that I wanted to know the man behind the words. One of the first things I asked him in our interview was about his confidence and his fearlessness in his writing. I learned then the true purpose behind the self love poet. "I get people all the time who are like I'm so scared to let my writing out," he says. "When you write from a selfish place, you're not thinking about what people may think or anything like that. That's how I overcame that fear. When it becomes a selfish intention, you stop caring about what people think and what they may say.
At the end of the day, a lot of my writing is really for my inner child, for me to heal, and affirmations for my future daughters."
If selfishness produces words of wisdom where hearts are healed and wounds are restored, then by all means, we encourage him to be selfish—as f*ck.
Through Billy's writing, many have been able to delve deeper into the concept of love, challenging their own perspectives, and forcing inner reflection that becomes the foundation of freedom. His words hit home and they hit hard, so it's no surprise that he's grown a massive following—over 340,000 across his social channels—that makes his many affirmations go viral.
With three books under his belt, his life lessons become our instruction manual on navigating matters of the heart. But there's more to the teacher than powerful prose. So, we dug a little deeper to learn about the man behind the musings, how he overcomes fear, and his perspective on love.
How did you first get into poetry?
Billy Chapata: I started writing when I was like eight or nine, ever since I could hold a pen or pencil. I've been writing for a very long time. Anything that pertains to writing just came really natural to me from that age, and I was so musically inclined too from that age. I write to heal, I write to survive, I write to learn, I write to reflect. And through poetry, I'm able to do that. Writing became a means of survival.
We often see a lot of men who are afraid of vulnerability. What made you open to it and able to share your vulnerabilities with the world?
Billy: My dad passed away when I was like three years old, so in terms of energy, I've been surrounded by female energy for a very, very long time. My aunts, my mom, my sister, they kind of just raised me, and I got to see many sides of the feminine condition. Even as a man, I had to teach myself certain things in terms of the cliché stereotypes that a man has to adhere to in society, but it became so much easier to me because I realized how much power there is in vulnerability. It's kind of weird how not having a father figure in my life emancipated that side of me, and emancipated my writing.
I'm just able to be so open and so vulnerable and not feel judged at all.
Would you say this generation has a false perception of love? What's your perception of the current state of love?
Billy: I think this generation of love is just very skewed, and it's very misleading. I don't necessarily feel like it's this generation's fault, I feel like the media has a lot to play in it. But it's very skewed, and this generation, we base love on the premise of it being a feeling, and the problem with feelings is that feelings are fleeting. So if you feel happy or you feel sad, whatever the case may be, feelings are fleeting—they come and go. And the problem with basing your idea of love on the fact that it's a feeling is that you're also giving me the permission to just come and go as well.
Love, in all honesty, is a choice.
And that's the thing that this generation doesn't really understand. When certain obstacles happen, when certain things happen, we have this tendency of just giving up because we feel like this person doesn't stimulate me anymore, or this person doesn't do this for me anymore, or I don't feel this way. And instead of just choosing to try or continue loving this person, we're basing it on feelings. And I think that's the biggest issue. I think that's why it's so skewed.
And not to say that you should stay in a relationship or connected with someone when it's getting bad or poisonous, but it's like any small thing that happens now it's like, "Nope, this person's not for me." Or, "I don't want to be with this person anymore." And it's just based off feelings of the choice. And I think that's the biggest difference between this generation and older generations.
Do you think there's a lack of accountability that's causing the disconnect? That people aren't willing to look at themselves and what they contributed to the problem?
Billy: We have this tendency of taking accountability of all the great things. When something good happens it's like, 'Yes, this is what I've put in work for, I just spoke this into my life, I manifested this, this is what I deserve. This is meant to be. I did this.' And then when something bad or undesirable happens, we tend to shift the blame onto other people. We tend to shift the circumstances and that lack of accountability is the reasons why we feel like we're very scared to peel that surface off and dig deeper. And really look at our wounds and see why we behave the way we behave or why we react to certain situations that we react to it.
And I think that's a big issue, there's a lack of accountability when anything undesirable happens.
We're just very scared of what we may discover. I think we're very scared of not being in control. This generation, we lack faith in ourselves or in a higher being, whatever your religion may be. We don't trust our intuition as much, we're not as vulnerable, we're not as honest with ourselves. We just like to play on the surface. We don't like to dive deeper because we're just scared we'll drown, and I think that accounts for a lot of relationships that go bad because we just kind of insta-Relationships or connections without really doing the work on ourselves. We haven't taken our wounds out on a date and just really explore them and see why we behave a certain way we behave, and when something bad happens we shift that blame on someone or something else. Sometimes that's not necessarily the case, sometimes it's just the case of really knowing ourselves before getting into a connection.
In your piece "An ode to a future lover," you say that there are things that past lovers taught you that you are trying to unlearn. What are some of those things and what did past lovers teach you about yourself?
With time, I've learned that love and attachment have nothing to do with each other. I think a lot of the people that I used to be with they were very attached to the idea that I had to be around for the love to mean anything, or that I had to be calling you all the time to be in love with you. I had to learn that the person that you're with has to understand that if I'm not around at certain times, that doesn't make my love any less present, or if I'm not calling you back after two hours it doesn't mean I don't love you any less.
What's the sexiest thing about a woman to you?
Without a doubt, her mind. It's not going to be the same for every woman, but the majority of women the thing that really turns me on is her mind and her way of thinking. At the end of the day, I view everyone as just a vessel, but if your mind is on another level that you can think about things so beautifully and view life on a much more intricate level, or you just have this innate colorfulness about you where you're just very kind, sweet or very caring, very involved in anything that improves you spiritually and mentally, and you're all about your growth, I think that's so sexy.
I think women who are just all about improving themselves are just beautiful women.
And that all starts with the mind and the way she shapes her thoughts and the way she thinks about herself. I think women who know their self-worth are so beautiful. And that's something that comes from the mind, it's all how you shift your perception about yourself. Nothing beats that. I feel like that's sexier than any curves or body part or anything like that.
What does being a man mean to you?
I have this duality about me that's able to empathize with men and women. I think what being a man means to me is being able to be vulnerable, and really put my thoughts out there, because not many men will do that or are too scared to do that because of how society views them for being vulnerable.
I think being a man for me is just about really tapping into my self worth and understanding that regardless of how vulnerable I am that doesn't make me less of a man. Or regardless of how soft I can be, that doesn't make me less of a man. And I think that's something I want to pass on to my son, just be emotionally intelligent and vulnerable. I'm giving myself the opportunity to be the man that a lot of men are afraid to be.
Take a moment to view some of our favorite selections by the poet by clicking through the gallery below.
For more of Billy Chapata's wise words, follow him on Twitter and Instagram.
- How To Become More Vulnerable - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Top Women Poets Who Empower - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images