A few nights ago, while catching up with a male friend who I’ve known since…shoot, forever, I found myself involved in what tends to happen a lot in my life: an impromptu counseling session. As we were going over what each of us had missed in each other’s lives since our last chat, when it came to the romantic aspect of his life, I was glad to hear that he was still with the same woman that he had been with since our last convo (which had been a while).
Backstory? He went through both a marriage as well as a divorce that was hell on wheels on a whole ‘nother level, so it had taken him some time to trust again.
Anyway, as he was sharing all of the things that he found to be refreshing about his now long-term girlfriend, as I always tend to do, I asked what were some potential red flags as well — because if she’s still his girlfriend and nothing more, there must be some type of reason…right? One of the things he said was, “She really wants to get married, and I don’t.” He’s in his late 40s, and she’s not too far behind, so I said, “So, are you dangling her?”
He was quiet for so long that I then heard myself say, “If you’re being honest and she’s staying, either she’s hopeful or in denial. Yet, if you’re not being real about where you stand, you’re being selfish, and you should let her go.”
Wasted time.Wasted freakin’ time. It’s the mutha of all muthas.
On the heels of this, one day, I know that I need to do a part two of “Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife” from back in the day because, as much as some of us don’t want to hear it, some guys may like us — hell, even love us — and yet, they never considered us to be wife potential…not for them. Yep, sometimes, all they ever see is a sex buddy or girlfriend because their mental and emotional levers never go past that point.
And no, it’s not automatically because they are dogs (I hate when men or women refer to each other or themselves as canine) or even that they’re being manipulative or malicious. Sometimes, they don’t want more than what they currently have with us — and it really is just that simple. Real talk, when they are being honest (and we’re accepting what is being said), it really only gets strange when we know that, we want so much more and so we stick around…hoping that they will do something different than what they are currently doing — even when they said that they have no foreseeable plans of doing so.
Whew, chile. All of this reminds me of a throwbackSex and the City episode (from season two, to be exact) where Carrie (who, in my opinion, is the white version of Joan Clayton — if you know, you know) said something that has always stayed with me — something that explains one version of how something known as emotional self-harm presents itself. And y’all, I actually think that it’s a great way to illustrate some of the reasons why I was inspired to broach this topic.
Just so it all makes really good sense, let’s begin with a clip from the “La Douleur Exquise!” episode. And then we’ll dive into signs that you actually could be a lot like Carrie when it comes to emotional self-harm — and, if that is the case, what you can do about it…so that you can get (and stay) free from hurting yourself in that way.
Okay, so the clip is providing context; however, the best part of the episode is towards the end of it when Carrie says this:
“On the way home, I was furious; not with Big but myself. I was the real sadist. He might be the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.”
In the clip, she used the word “masochist” and in the quote, she said “sadist.” Just so we’re all on the same page:
Masochist: a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others
Sadist: a person who enjoys being cruel
Y’all, none of us have the time to unpack ALL of the red, orange, and yellow flags of Carrie and Mr. Big’s relationship. What I will say is, from this episode alone, you can’t assume that someone wants what you do, when you want them to, just because they have sex with you or like hanging out with you. Therefore, don’t assume. ASK.
However, peep how Carrie basically questioned if what she was going through — if what she was choosing to send herself through — was pretty much a form of emotional self-harm. Did she somehow get some kind of “payoff” from Mr. Big’s actions causing her pain? Was there some part of her that found an odd sense of comfort in the familiarity of being cruel to herself by tolerating things that she literally told her friends that she didn’t want?
Was she a victim of emotional self-harm?
When it comes to the topic of self-harm, in general, oftentimes, it’s the physical side of it that gets addressed. Today, I’m going to share some things about what emotional self-harm looks like — and not just when it comes to romantic aspects of life, either. In order to fully heal, ponder if you fall into any of these unhealthy patterns across the board.
What Is Emotional Self-Harm?
GiphyWhen it comes to physical forms of self-harm, probably one of the best ways to describe it is it’s a way of not-so-healthy way of coping when your emotions become extremely overwhelming. When self-harm transpires, someone may cut, burn, bruise themselves, or do something that causes physical pain or damage on some level. Well, emotional self-harm is when you use your own thoughts and feelings to also do damage to yourself.
And while that could manifest in the form of self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse, illegal activity, or fighting, what I want to hone in on is how it can also appear in the form of remaining in sexually unwise dynamics, emotionally abusive relationships or situations that keep you in the pattern of low self-worth, cyclic and counterproductive behaviors, and (avoidable) drama and trauma.
So, where does emotional self-harm stem from? Many mental health specialists say that it oftentimes comes from childhood-related issues, although things like low self-esteem and certain attachment styles may play a factor in it, too. Know what else can lead to emotional self-harm? UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS (and yes, I am yelling it!), which can include someone telling you one thing and you decide to hear something else or trying to force, coerce, or guilt someone into giving you more than they want to.
Two other things that can cause emotional self-harm are if you are super self-critical (which is not the same thing as holding yourself accountable; check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”) or if you are a perfectionist.
When it comes to Carrie, there areso many think pieces out in cyberspace about how exhausting of a character she was, in hindsight, on a billion different levels. Yet, when it comes to this specific instance with Mr. Big, I’d say that her attachment style and her expectations were a big part of the problem. Did Mr. Big show mixed signals? Sometimes, yes. More times, more than anything though, his words and actions displayed that he simply wasn’t as into her as she was into him.
The emotional self-harm came from Carrie thinking that if she did more, she could change his mind (been there, done that). Oh, but as a wise person once said, “You’ll never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.” Going into denial about that? That is another form of emotional self-harm because while you’re out here giving your all with not the best ROI (return on investment), it’s basically because the guy simply isn’t on the same page as you — perhaps not even in the same book.
Okay, but like I said earlier, even beyond romantic relationships, you can harm yourself emotionally, in general, in a myriad of different ways. Today, I’m going to briefly touch on six of them.
6 Signs That You Participate in Emotional Self-Harm…Perhaps Without Even Knowing It
GiphyI’ve researched emotional self-harm for a hot minute, and so I can already tell you that this is about to get interesting because, after I go through some really telling signs of participating in some form of emotional self-harm, you might realize that you do it far more often than you would think.
1. You talk down on yourself.
Looking back on some of the things that certain adults in my life said to me during my adolescence, I’m surprised that I’ve got the confidence that I do. I get that a part of it is because I’ve done some “reprogramming” over the years to get my mind to see myself as worthy of healthy adjectives instead of emotionalized toxicity (meaning, adults who projected their toxic s-it onto me).
If you’re someone who doesn’t speak highly of yourself or a pastime of yours is being self-derogatory, ponder why. Were you told how wonderful you were in your childhood? Have you tricked yourself into believing that self-degradation is a form of humility (IT’S NOT)? It’s hard to get people to treat you with excellence when you don’t even do it — and that starts with how you speak of yourself…to yourself.
2. Your ego is in your intuition.
The ego that is involved in some people’s intuition is going to jack up so many areas of their lives if they’re not careful (check out “When You Should Trust Your Gut & When You Shouldn't” and “So, Experts Have Something To Say About Your Intuition's Accuracy”). For instance, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched women self-sabotage their relationship, and it was all because they were invading their partner’s privacy and/or jumping to all sorts of conclusions — and that was because of their unhealed issues with former men caused them to think that their projection was intuition in their current relationship. SMDH.
Listen, when it comes to this point, two things: 1) women don’t have a monopoly on true intuition — it’s something that men and women have and 2) if your ego or pain is abundant, there’s a huge chance that whatever assumptions or decisions that you are making, intuition isn’t leading you…some form of negativity or even paranoia is.
3. You live in the land of generalizations.
Did you know that a sign of being a bitter person is if you make grand generalizations? All men cheat. Generalization. Everyone uses people. Generalization. No one can be trusted. Generalization. And when you are a bitter individual, it’s almost a guarantee that you are going to end up subjecting yourself to some type of emotional self-harm.
That’s because bitter people tend to have a very jaded perspective which causes them to approach things from that same type of head and heart space. Yeah, if you’re one for generalizations, please be really careful with that.
4. You jump to conclusions. A LOT.
Honestly, something that goes hand in hand with this one is you make assumptions — and we all know what assuming does (it makes an ass…you know the rest). So, why do so many people do it? A big part of the reason has to do with impatience, and when you don’t have all of the intel or facts, that can definitely lead to premature conclusions. So can having preconceived notions or judgments about something or someone or being overly confident that you know more than you might.
The problem with all of this is when you move too fast, or you make gross assumptions, relationally, that can be off-putting to others while professionally, it could rob you of certain chances and opportunities — all of which could lead to emotional self-harm when you really stop to think about it.
5. You “should” too much.
I’ve got a close girlfriend who delivered me from “should-ing” many years ago. And, although initially, I gave her quite a bit of pushback, in hindsight, I’m so glad that I did. Really, this is its own article; however, for the sake of time and space, I’ll just say that if you’re the type of person who stays in toxic, cyclic, or counterproductive dynamics with people based on what you think they “should” do because of what you would do if you were them, you are going to stay disappointed, if not hurt, A LOT.
For one thing, to impose a “should” on someone else? That tends to have a lot of ego attached to it because others are not you. Secondly, if you keep tolerating what you shouldn’t, as you wait on what you believe that someone “should” do, you are going to keep hurting or harming yourself on some level in the process. When it comes to humans, sis, all you can do at the end of the day is recognize what they are doing (or aren’t doing) for what it is — and then decide if you are going to participate or not. That’s it. You’ll harm yourself a lot less often the moment that you accept this fact.
6. You make mountains out of molehills.
If it’s not a big deal, why are you making it one? That was another thing that was so draining about Carrie…a lot of the time. She didn’t really seem to be very emotionally self-aware, and so when things didn’t go her way or as planned, she would oftentimes act like it was the end of the world — and that was just a waste of time, energy, and emotions. “Sweating the small stuff” is definitely a form of emotional self-harm; it’s also a sign of being a low-key control freak. Trying to control what you cannot? Oh, you will definitely hurt or harm yourself that way — one way or another.
How to Overcome Emotional Self-Harm
GiphyOkay, so now that you know a little bit more about how you can literally put yourself in self-harm’s way on the emotional tip, let’s explore a few things that you can do to prevent it from happening in the first place.
Remind yourself of what “harm” means.
Due to the ish that I’ve been through and the things that I’ve been able to help others through, I’ve personally come to the conclusion that a part of the reason why a lot of people go through harm is because they aren’t fully clear about what it means. Sure, they get the general concept of it; however, did you know that harm doesn’t just refer to physical injury? No, you are also harmed if there is mental damage, evil, wrongness, or even moral injury that occurs.
And what would be considered a “moral injury?” Being a part of something that is traumatizing or even witnessing someone else going through it is. Betrayal is another definition of moral injury. So is someone who pressures you outside of your personal beliefs, standards, and boundaries.
Uh-huh, now that you know all of this, there’s a greater chance that you’ve been harmed, more times than you thought, right? And, there are possibly more instances when you’ve subjected yourself to emotional self-harm, too (like involving yourself in things that go past your limits). Once you can see something for what it really and truly is, that is how you can put together a clear plan on how to start the healing process. Harm has been defined.
Now, what needs to be done to avoid it?
Prioritize HEALTHY over HAPPY.
I really can’t believe how much of a god people make out of happiness. Sure, that might sound odd to hear on the surface yet think about it. You’ll blow up your marriage simply because you’re not happy anymore? You constantly eat stuff that isn’t good for you because it makes you happy? You spend — or is it waste? — money because shopping makes you happy?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times: children are consumed with being happy all of the time. A part of what comes with being a mature individual is you do what is healthy — and no, that isn’t always (and definitely not automatically always) going to make you happy. I’ve had many clients who have wrecked their lives for the temporary highs of happiness.
Please hear me when I say that you tend to stay out of (self) harm’s way so much more when being healthy — sound, strong, flourishing, safe, and whole — is the goal.
Train your mind to not overthink.
Once upon a time, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “8 Ways To Be So Much Kinder To Yourself. Starting Today.” What I didn’t include (yet probably should’ve) was how you really aren’t doing yourself a bit of good to overthink. All that results in is creating problems that don't exist, hindering you from making actual decisions and/or (potentially) putting stress on yourself both physically and mentally. And how can any of this be anything less than forms of emotional self-harm whenever you do it? Think, yes. In excess to the point of stress? No.
Live in reality.
It will never not be that one of my favorite Scriptures is the Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” Reality isn’t based on feelings over facts or truth — and honestly, that can make living, in reality, difficult at times when you’d rather be in some sort of fairy tale that you may have conjured up in your head.
Yet, as I’ve said many times on this platform, fairy tales are defined as being stories for children and unrealistic ones at that — so, living for the fairy tale? That is sho ‘nuf a form of emotional self-harm.
___
This is a lot to take in — I get that. Still, I hope that you will take all of what I just shared seriously and literally because I believe that a big part of the reason why so many people end up hurt by others is because they are unaware of the emotional self-harm that they are causing themselves.
From very up close and personal experience, I can tell you that if you address the latter, you can master avoiding the former (at least as much as you used to). And you can definitely prevent yourself from being the “Carrie” in your own friend circle (anymore).
Sis, like Carrie, you’ve been “tying yourself up” only for others to hurt you, start unraveling. TODAY.
Emotional self-harm will never benefit you. Start the healing process…now.
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Either way, we’re breaking down how to harness the alluring black cat energy to attract and cultivate your purrrfect match, or how to deepen your current relationship.
What is Black Cat Energy?
Black cat energy has made a splash all over TikTok since 2021 where users have popularized “the black cat/golden retriever” theory based on the notorious attributes of felines and pups.
Pet owners and those who have had the pleasure of engaging with furry friends know that cats tend to have personality traits of being more independent, cautious, and unbothered until they develop a relationship with you – then you’ll be graced with their loveable side – whereas dogs, much like golden retrievers, are often overly excited to see you, bursting with happy energy, and seeking your affection, even if they just met you.
Black cats especially possess an elusive, regal, and pompous vibe that makes them irresistible. You can’t simply win these mysterious creatures over with your mere presence. You’ll have to earn their affection.
And if by a stroke of luck, they open up to you, they’ll always keep you wanting more of them. That same je ne sais quoi is what TikTokers are raving about, claiming that if you channel black cat energy into your love life, you’ll summon the person of your dreams and make them fall in love with every part of you.
What’s more, according to The Spruce Pets, single women in Japan who own black cats are believed to attract more suitors. In parts of Great Britain, a black cat is the quintessential wedding gift because they’re believed to bring good luck and happiness to the bride.
Why the Black Cat/Golden Retriever Dynamic Works
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Anyone can be the black cat or the golden retriever in the relationship, but TikTokers and some relationship experts say the best way to ensure long-lasting compatibility is for the woman to be the black cat, while the man exudes golden retriever tendencies.
Dating coach Anwar White solidifies finding the yin to your yang, instructing women to find their complement. “Most people look to date their clone and you’re going to need to date looking for your compliment – that is what is going to bring you the most success.”
In the 14 years he’s been a dating coach, he shared the best complementary personalities that make for a good match. “If you’re a type A, boss babe, you’re going to be looking for the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the guy that wants to get done whatever you want to get done. This is the engineer, the federal employee, or an architect. It’s very much black cat/golden retriever vibes.”
No matter what stage you’re at in your love life, it’s never too late to transition from subservient golden retriever to omnipotent black cat.
TikToker @jaclyn.dasilva explains that she used to be in her golden retriever energy in her marriage – catering to her husband, and what he needed and liked until she learned how to epitomize the black cat energy.
“We have this beautiful energy as women. When we learn to put all that beautiful, nurturing energy into ourselves that is when they want us. That is when they chase us. Now I think about what I want to eat. What do I want to drink? What book do I want to read? And I put my energy into myself.”
She continues, “And now he’s the one chasing me. He’s the one who can’t get enough of me. When we see ourselves as the prize, that is when he sees us as the prize. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Be about you, he’ll be about you.”
How To Embody The Black Cat Principles In Your Dating Life
Dating and maintaining a flourishing relationship in today’s technology-driven world is no easy feat. We have abundantly more access to swipe right or left on apps, or serendipitously meet a great catch in person than our parents and grandparent’s generations.
And yet, with all the potential options, somehow it seems more difficult to stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right or to maintain a long-term symbiotic relationship. Fortunately navigating dating and relationships becomes easier when you know exactly who you are–your different quirks, flaws, and assets–and when you keenly understand the little things that titillate your world and accept the nuances and icks of a person that you know are not aligned with you.
A woman relishing in her black cat energy and femininity knows exactly what she wants and needs and doesn’t detour from who she is for anyone. These are the qualities of black cat women:
High Standards
Nothing says you’re the main character or HBIC like flaunting high standards and sticking to them.
TikToker Anna Kristina, the self-proclaimed creator of the "black cat theory" shared how to become the ultimate black cat and have men eating from the palm of your hand. “You have to be inconvenient. You have to be bitchy. You have to have standards and certain expectations. The higher the expectations, and the more unrealistic, the better.”
Elusiveness
Relationship TikToker Tomisin Atobatele offers women insights into the essence of being elusive. "I want you to stop being eager to tell men everything you’re thinking and feeling, and especially tell men exactly what you desire. If a guy asks you what you want out of a guy, or what you’re looking for, I want you to be vague…When you’re vague, and someone’s interested in you, it forces them to do work in order to get those answers.”
"And just that fast, you’ve created a scenario where he’s thinking about you," he added. "He’s thinking about your needs. He’s thinking about your wants and desires. And in the process of him thinking about your wants and desires, his focus is on you.”
Firm Boundary Setter
Self-preservation, respect, and overall happiness stem from healthy boundaries. A woman basking in black cat energy knows exactly when and how to implement boundaries. Black cats have boundaries. They will let you know when they are done getting petted," said TikToker Marian Bacol.
“They will let you know when they want to give you attention. They will stare you down if they are done with you. They are clear on their boundaries and they’re not afraid to enforce it. They don’t give love and affection to anyone and everyone the way that dogs do. Cats are more selective and that’s how you have to be with your energy.”
Unapologetically Authentic
A sure way to have a man perpetually falling for you is to be authentically you without changing who you are, solely for him.
“If you want him to chase you as opposed to you chasing him, you need to remember this one thing…whatever attributes you have: your style, your hair color, your whatever you’ve got going on – you don’t change for him," said life coach Margarita Nazarenko. "The black cat would never change for a man and that’s what’s going to make him chase you.”
She cements the rule with an analogy: “The rule is: if you make the best chocolate cake and he likes apple pie, make him the best chocolate cake, not a sub apple pie.”
Famous Couples That Successfully Personify Black Cat/Golden Retriever Energy
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These power couples prove why women who helm their black cat energy make their men swoon:
Rihanna & ASAP Rocky
"[The relationship] is going great. I don’t think there’s a more perfect person because when the schedules are hectic, she’s very understanding of that," A$AP Rocky told Billboard about his relationship with Rihanna. "And when the schedule’s freed up, that’s when you get to spend [the] most time together. It’s all understanding and compatibility.
Ashanti & Nelly
Lauren Speed Hamilton & Cameron Hamilton
Lauren Speed Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton are proof positive of the Love Is Blind concept. More recently, the married couple got real on their podcast about the struggles of expanding their family through fertility treatments. "When I saw what you were going through, terms of taking the medications, doing the daily shots, knowing that IVF and all this stuff wasn't really something that you naturally wanted to do but you did it for me," Cameron shared in episode 2 of The Love Seat podcast with Lauren, his voice beginning to crack.
"You showed me a new level of love that I'd never seen before."
Kristy Scott & Desmond Scott
Zendaya & Tom Holland
"You can’t really find anything against Zendaya, she’s kind of like the perfect person," Tom Holland shared about girlfriend Zendaya in a 2021 interview with Backstage. "It was so wonderful to have someone like her in my corner, to help me grow through that process … Having her as a friend has been so valuable to the success and happiness of my career and life."
Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade
Ciara & Russell Wilson
"For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me," Russell Wilson told Access Hollywood about wife Ciara.
Serena Williams & Alexis Ohanian
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