A few nights ago, while catching up with a male friend who I’ve known since…shoot, forever, I found myself involved in what tends to happen a lot in my life: an impromptu counseling session. As we were going over what each of us had missed in each other’s lives since our last chat, when it came to the romantic aspect of his life, I was glad to hear that he was still with the same woman that he had been with since our last convo (which had been a while).
Backstory? He went through both a marriage as well as a divorce that was hell on wheels on a whole ‘nother level, so it had taken him some time to trust again.
Anyway, as he was sharing all of the things that he found to be refreshing about his now long-term girlfriend, as I always tend to do, I asked what were some potential red flags as well — because if she’s still his girlfriend and nothing more, there must be some type of reason…right? One of the things he said was, “She really wants to get married, and I don’t.” He’s in his late 40s, and she’s not too far behind, so I said, “So, are you dangling her?”
He was quiet for so long that I then heard myself say, “If you’re being honest and she’s staying, either she’s hopeful or in denial. Yet, if you’re not being real about where you stand, you’re being selfish, and you should let her go.”
Wasted time.Wasted freakin’ time. It’s the mutha of all muthas.
On the heels of this, one day, I know that I need to do a part two of “Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife” from back in the day because, as much as some of us don’t want to hear it, some guys may like us — hell, even love us — and yet, they never considered us to be wife potential…not for them. Yep, sometimes, all they ever see is a sex buddy or girlfriend because their mental and emotional levers never go past that point.
And no, it’s not automatically because they are dogs (I hate when men or women refer to each other or themselves as canine) or even that they’re being manipulative or malicious. Sometimes, they don’t want more than what they currently have with us — and it really is just that simple. Real talk, when they are being honest (and we’re accepting what is being said), it really only gets strange when we know that, we want so much more and so we stick around…hoping that they will do something different than what they are currently doing — even when they said that they have no foreseeable plans of doing so.
Whew, chile. All of this reminds me of a throwbackSex and the City episode (from season two, to be exact) where Carrie (who, in my opinion, is the white version of Joan Clayton — if you know, you know) said something that has always stayed with me — something that explains one version of how something known as emotional self-harm presents itself. And y’all, I actually think that it’s a great way to illustrate some of the reasons why I was inspired to broach this topic.
Just so it all makes really good sense, let’s begin with a clip from the “La Douleur Exquise!” episode. And then we’ll dive into signs that you actually could be a lot like Carrie when it comes to emotional self-harm — and, if that is the case, what you can do about it…so that you can get (and stay) free from hurting yourself in that way.
Okay, so the clip is providing context; however, the best part of the episode is towards the end of it when Carrie says this:
“On the way home, I was furious; not with Big but myself. I was the real sadist. He might be the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.”
In the clip, she used the word “masochist” and in the quote, she said “sadist.” Just so we’re all on the same page:
Masochist: a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others
Sadist: a person who enjoys being cruel
Y’all, none of us have the time to unpack ALL of the red, orange, and yellow flags of Carrie and Mr. Big’s relationship. What I will say is, from this episode alone, you can’t assume that someone wants what you do, when you want them to, just because they have sex with you or like hanging out with you. Therefore, don’t assume. ASK.
However, peep how Carrie basically questioned if what she was going through — if what she was choosing to send herself through — was pretty much a form of emotional self-harm. Did she somehow get some kind of “payoff” from Mr. Big’s actions causing her pain? Was there some part of her that found an odd sense of comfort in the familiarity of being cruel to herself by tolerating things that she literally told her friends that she didn’t want?
Was she a victim of emotional self-harm?
When it comes to the topic of self-harm, in general, oftentimes, it’s the physical side of it that gets addressed. Today, I’m going to share some things about what emotional self-harm looks like — and not just when it comes to romantic aspects of life, either. In order to fully heal, ponder if you fall into any of these unhealthy patterns across the board.
What Is Emotional Self-Harm?
GiphyWhen it comes to physical forms of self-harm, probably one of the best ways to describe it is it’s a way of not-so-healthy way of coping when your emotions become extremely overwhelming. When self-harm transpires, someone may cut, burn, bruise themselves, or do something that causes physical pain or damage on some level. Well, emotional self-harm is when you use your own thoughts and feelings to also do damage to yourself.
And while that could manifest in the form of self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse, illegal activity, or fighting, what I want to hone in on is how it can also appear in the form of remaining in sexually unwise dynamics, emotionally abusive relationships or situations that keep you in the pattern of low self-worth, cyclic and counterproductive behaviors, and (avoidable) drama and trauma.
So, where does emotional self-harm stem from? Many mental health specialists say that it oftentimes comes from childhood-related issues, although things like low self-esteem and certain attachment styles may play a factor in it, too. Know what else can lead to emotional self-harm? UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS (and yes, I am yelling it!), which can include someone telling you one thing and you decide to hear something else or trying to force, coerce, or guilt someone into giving you more than they want to.
Two other things that can cause emotional self-harm are if you are super self-critical (which is not the same thing as holding yourself accountable; check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”) or if you are a perfectionist.
When it comes to Carrie, there areso many think pieces out in cyberspace about how exhausting of a character she was, in hindsight, on a billion different levels. Yet, when it comes to this specific instance with Mr. Big, I’d say that her attachment style and her expectations were a big part of the problem. Did Mr. Big show mixed signals? Sometimes, yes. More times, more than anything though, his words and actions displayed that he simply wasn’t as into her as she was into him.
The emotional self-harm came from Carrie thinking that if she did more, she could change his mind (been there, done that). Oh, but as a wise person once said, “You’ll never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.” Going into denial about that? That is another form of emotional self-harm because while you’re out here giving your all with not the best ROI (return on investment), it’s basically because the guy simply isn’t on the same page as you — perhaps not even in the same book.
Okay, but like I said earlier, even beyond romantic relationships, you can harm yourself emotionally, in general, in a myriad of different ways. Today, I’m going to briefly touch on six of them.
6 Signs That You Participate in Emotional Self-Harm…Perhaps Without Even Knowing It
GiphyI’ve researched emotional self-harm for a hot minute, and so I can already tell you that this is about to get interesting because, after I go through some really telling signs of participating in some form of emotional self-harm, you might realize that you do it far more often than you would think.
1. You talk down on yourself.
Looking back on some of the things that certain adults in my life said to me during my adolescence, I’m surprised that I’ve got the confidence that I do. I get that a part of it is because I’ve done some “reprogramming” over the years to get my mind to see myself as worthy of healthy adjectives instead of emotionalized toxicity (meaning, adults who projected their toxic s-it onto me).
If you’re someone who doesn’t speak highly of yourself or a pastime of yours is being self-derogatory, ponder why. Were you told how wonderful you were in your childhood? Have you tricked yourself into believing that self-degradation is a form of humility (IT’S NOT)? It’s hard to get people to treat you with excellence when you don’t even do it — and that starts with how you speak of yourself…to yourself.
2. Your ego is in your intuition.
The ego that is involved in some people’s intuition is going to jack up so many areas of their lives if they’re not careful (check out “When You Should Trust Your Gut & When You Shouldn't” and “So, Experts Have Something To Say About Your Intuition's Accuracy”). For instance, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched women self-sabotage their relationship, and it was all because they were invading their partner’s privacy and/or jumping to all sorts of conclusions — and that was because of their unhealed issues with former men caused them to think that their projection was intuition in their current relationship. SMDH.
Listen, when it comes to this point, two things: 1) women don’t have a monopoly on true intuition — it’s something that men and women have and 2) if your ego or pain is abundant, there’s a huge chance that whatever assumptions or decisions that you are making, intuition isn’t leading you…some form of negativity or even paranoia is.
3. You live in the land of generalizations.
Did you know that a sign of being a bitter person is if you make grand generalizations? All men cheat. Generalization. Everyone uses people. Generalization. No one can be trusted. Generalization. And when you are a bitter individual, it’s almost a guarantee that you are going to end up subjecting yourself to some type of emotional self-harm.
That’s because bitter people tend to have a very jaded perspective which causes them to approach things from that same type of head and heart space. Yeah, if you’re one for generalizations, please be really careful with that.
4. You jump to conclusions. A LOT.
Honestly, something that goes hand in hand with this one is you make assumptions — and we all know what assuming does (it makes an ass…you know the rest). So, why do so many people do it? A big part of the reason has to do with impatience, and when you don’t have all of the intel or facts, that can definitely lead to premature conclusions. So can having preconceived notions or judgments about something or someone or being overly confident that you know more than you might.
The problem with all of this is when you move too fast, or you make gross assumptions, relationally, that can be off-putting to others while professionally, it could rob you of certain chances and opportunities — all of which could lead to emotional self-harm when you really stop to think about it.
5. You “should” too much.
I’ve got a close girlfriend who delivered me from “should-ing” many years ago. And, although initially, I gave her quite a bit of pushback, in hindsight, I’m so glad that I did. Really, this is its own article; however, for the sake of time and space, I’ll just say that if you’re the type of person who stays in toxic, cyclic, or counterproductive dynamics with people based on what you think they “should” do because of what you would do if you were them, you are going to stay disappointed, if not hurt, A LOT.
For one thing, to impose a “should” on someone else? That tends to have a lot of ego attached to it because others are not you. Secondly, if you keep tolerating what you shouldn’t, as you wait on what you believe that someone “should” do, you are going to keep hurting or harming yourself on some level in the process. When it comes to humans, sis, all you can do at the end of the day is recognize what they are doing (or aren’t doing) for what it is — and then decide if you are going to participate or not. That’s it. You’ll harm yourself a lot less often the moment that you accept this fact.
6. You make mountains out of molehills.
If it’s not a big deal, why are you making it one? That was another thing that was so draining about Carrie…a lot of the time. She didn’t really seem to be very emotionally self-aware, and so when things didn’t go her way or as planned, she would oftentimes act like it was the end of the world — and that was just a waste of time, energy, and emotions. “Sweating the small stuff” is definitely a form of emotional self-harm; it’s also a sign of being a low-key control freak. Trying to control what you cannot? Oh, you will definitely hurt or harm yourself that way — one way or another.
How to Overcome Emotional Self-Harm
GiphyOkay, so now that you know a little bit more about how you can literally put yourself in self-harm’s way on the emotional tip, let’s explore a few things that you can do to prevent it from happening in the first place.
Remind yourself of what “harm” means.
Due to the ish that I’ve been through and the things that I’ve been able to help others through, I’ve personally come to the conclusion that a part of the reason why a lot of people go through harm is because they aren’t fully clear about what it means. Sure, they get the general concept of it; however, did you know that harm doesn’t just refer to physical injury? No, you are also harmed if there is mental damage, evil, wrongness, or even moral injury that occurs.
And what would be considered a “moral injury?” Being a part of something that is traumatizing or even witnessing someone else going through it is. Betrayal is another definition of moral injury. So is someone who pressures you outside of your personal beliefs, standards, and boundaries.
Uh-huh, now that you know all of this, there’s a greater chance that you’ve been harmed, more times than you thought, right? And, there are possibly more instances when you’ve subjected yourself to emotional self-harm, too (like involving yourself in things that go past your limits). Once you can see something for what it really and truly is, that is how you can put together a clear plan on how to start the healing process. Harm has been defined.
Now, what needs to be done to avoid it?
Prioritize HEALTHY over HAPPY.
I really can’t believe how much of a god people make out of happiness. Sure, that might sound odd to hear on the surface yet think about it. You’ll blow up your marriage simply because you’re not happy anymore? You constantly eat stuff that isn’t good for you because it makes you happy? You spend — or is it waste? — money because shopping makes you happy?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times: children are consumed with being happy all of the time. A part of what comes with being a mature individual is you do what is healthy — and no, that isn’t always (and definitely not automatically always) going to make you happy. I’ve had many clients who have wrecked their lives for the temporary highs of happiness.
Please hear me when I say that you tend to stay out of (self) harm’s way so much more when being healthy — sound, strong, flourishing, safe, and whole — is the goal.
Train your mind to not overthink.
Once upon a time, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “8 Ways To Be So Much Kinder To Yourself. Starting Today.” What I didn’t include (yet probably should’ve) was how you really aren’t doing yourself a bit of good to overthink. All that results in is creating problems that don't exist, hindering you from making actual decisions and/or (potentially) putting stress on yourself both physically and mentally. And how can any of this be anything less than forms of emotional self-harm whenever you do it? Think, yes. In excess to the point of stress? No.
Live in reality.
It will never not be that one of my favorite Scriptures is the Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” Reality isn’t based on feelings over facts or truth — and honestly, that can make living, in reality, difficult at times when you’d rather be in some sort of fairy tale that you may have conjured up in your head.
Yet, as I’ve said many times on this platform, fairy tales are defined as being stories for children and unrealistic ones at that — so, living for the fairy tale? That is sho ‘nuf a form of emotional self-harm.
___
This is a lot to take in — I get that. Still, I hope that you will take all of what I just shared seriously and literally because I believe that a big part of the reason why so many people end up hurt by others is because they are unaware of the emotional self-harm that they are causing themselves.
From very up close and personal experience, I can tell you that if you address the latter, you can master avoiding the former (at least as much as you used to). And you can definitely prevent yourself from being the “Carrie” in your own friend circle (anymore).
Sis, like Carrie, you’ve been “tying yourself up” only for others to hurt you, start unraveling. TODAY.
Emotional self-harm will never benefit you. Start the healing process…now.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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According To Science, Being 'Dickmatized' Is A Very Real Thing, Y'all.
I don’t know if it’s because there’s something in the water or what, but if there’s one question that I’ve been asked over and over again this year, it’s if there truly is such a thing as being dickmatized. Now, I don’t mean if the actual concept exists because we all know that if something shows up in theUrban Dictionary (half kidding/half serious), it must be real — and, according to it, being dickmatized is “when the d-ck is so good [that] you become utterly hypnotized by the guy that gave it to you.”
Since a hypnotic state is literally about the ability “to influence, control, or direct completely, as by personal charm, words, or domination,” — I guess that, technically, this article could end here. However, if you’ve been reading my content for a while, you already know that I’m going to unpack this way beyond the surface.
Because, if you genuinely are in, let’s call it, a “semi-complex sexual situation” (or is it an addiction?) with a guy right now that has you thinking his eggplant is damn near taking over your bedroom and 75.97 percent of its surrounding areas, we need to figure out how it got to that point and how you can set yourself free — or at least how you can keep things under control (if that is indeed what you want to do).
If you’re ready to choose to accept that mission, let’s look into what being dickmatized is truly all about.
What Does It Really Mean to Be Dickmatized?
Personally, whenever I think of the word “dickmatize,” the first thing that comes to my mind is the movie Love Jones. If you’re a real one, you already know the scene that I am referring to. It’s when Nina was riding in the taxi (you know, the Lyft before Lyft) with her BFF Josie as she was explaining how her first date turned into her first time having sex with Darius. Y’all know what that woman said: “It was like his d-ck just…spoke to me.”
Now that’s fiction (even if it’s good fiction), so to bring some reality and validity to her point, I decided to do some investigating. First, starting with myself. As I reflected on my past sex partners, I mean, if we’re going to be word-literal, there are some penises that were prettier and “easier to receive” (read between the several different lines there, chile) than others.
I’ve also had enough of them in my lifetime that I really want y’all to get over the shoe myth or the assumption that the taller a man is, the bigger things for him can be (NOT TRUE; penis size has to do with genetics more than anything). While you’re at it, please also ditch the “a big one is the only way that I’ll be pleased.” It can’t be said enough that vaginas are about 4” long, and they have to stretch to accommodate beyond that.
Meaning, find a man who wants to please you, regardless of size, and you’ll be good; there’s no need to learn this the — no pun intended — hard way.
Okay, but back to the point: If dickmatized is another word for sexmatized, then yes, I’ve been there. Definitely three partners, off the rip, get a standing ovation in my eyes, yet it wasn’t just because of their member; our chemistry was off-the-charts, the foreplay was on-point, the oral sex was bananas, and yes, they made it their priority and goal to make sure that I orgasmed. Salute to them. And has this winning combo ever caused me to lose my mind? I mean, if by that you mean that I mistook great sex for a healthy relationship — sure.
However, I think that being dickmatized goes a bit — again, pardon the pun — deeper than that.
That’s why I asked some of my friends and clients if they thought that they’d been dickmatized before. No joke, one woman got a glazed look in her eyes and simply nodded “yes.” LOL. When I asked her to expound, she shared that she once had a partner who she had very little in common with, and yet, they kept having sex for years on end, and it was literally because she was consumed with and by his skin, lips, and penis: “No matter how much we didn’t connect on the mental tip, if he let me see that thang, I was butter.”
Another woman said that she actually cheats to this day (check out “I Talked To Some Women About Why They Cheat. Here's What They Said.” and “Women Cheat More Than We Think. What To Do If That’s You.”) with her dickmatizer. According to her, she loves her man, but he will never top the sex that she has with the other guy. Chile…CHILE.
Then, I hopped onto YouTube to see what it had to say on the topic. A little over seven-minute video entitled, "Signs That You Are Dickmatized” featured a woman who said that a telling sign that you are, indeed, dickmatized is if you are in denial about it because if he is say, married or has a billion kids or is unemployed and yet you find a way to rationalize being or staying with him, it must be because his d-ck has you caught up.
Or if you’re sitting in church (or wherever) and all that you can think about is “him” or what happens when you’re with him, sexually, that’s another surefire indicator that you are probably dickmatized. Hmph, as far as social media goes, if you’re on pretty much any platform and you put “sneaky link” in the search field (or you hashtag it)…I’ll put it to you this way — how could sneaky links not be the result of some serious dickmatizing on some level because, at the end of the day, you’re sneaking around to have sex and not much else— and oftentimes you’re taking some fascinating risks in order to do it.
Yeah, it really does seem like a case for being dickmatized is only getting stronger. Okay, but so far, all that I’ve talked about are opinions. Is there anything that science says to back that being dickmatized is rooted in some actual facts?
Science Can Actually Explain How “Good D” Can Turn You Out
GiphyLet’s start with an article that I read on a health-related site that asked if men or women experience more pleasure during sex. What it basically said was since men orgasm 90 percent of the time and women only do 50 percent of the time, men get the upper hand in that department. Okay, so if what the research is saying here is that your partner being able to “get you there” constitutes as the ultimate pleasurable (sex) experience, then the guys who have helped you to cum — extra brownie points if it’s vaginally because that’s harder for many women to achieve — would put you on the path to being dickmatized.
Let’s keep going.
Another article that I checked out contained some pretty solid research regarding what happens to the brain whenever there is penile stimulation. Long story short, it increases blow flood to the part of your brain that is designed to regulate emotion. Then, if you happen to have an orgasm while all of this penetration is going on, it will amplify the part of your brain that plays a role in your decision-making process (bookmark that).
Then there are all of the hormones that are able to rush through your system during sex. Prolactin helps to regulate stress; dopamine cultivates feelings of pleasure and motivation; I can’t tell you how many times I have said in a sex-related article that oxytocin literally bonds you to your sex partners (and it can cause you to feel like you can trust the person who you are sleeping with), and endorphins literally mimic the feeling of a morphine hit.
That morphine point is a real doozy. Why? Because morphine helps to take pain away, and endorphins naturally do the same thing. Oh, and I can’t let vasopressin slide. It also likes to make its presence known during copulation and here’s the thing about it: it literally makes it difficult for your brain to distinguish the difference between what is right and what is wrong (uh-oh).
So, think about it: If there’s a guy who takes you to peaks of pleasure that others can’t, then every time he enters you, he gets all into your feelings and alters the decisions you make, and even if you know that either he’s no good for you or things are never really going to go anywhere, sex with him (temporarily) removes feelings of discomfort and makes it hard for you to know what’s actually right for you…and then you keep messing with him over and over…and over again — do you see how this is the perfect (once more, pardon the pun) cocktail for being, well, dickmatized?
Add to this one of my favorite “Wow, I had no clue” random information websites, Cracked. It features an article entitled, "5 Bad Sexual Decisions (And Why We Make Them).” In it, it shares studies that state that the folks go back to “ex-sex” because they are in denial that things are over. Not only that, but a lot of women will have unprotected sex with men solely based on their level of attraction to him (and thinking that if he looks good, the risk of STIs will go down — SMDH). Hmph.
When it comes to that second point, I also think that some women believe that raw sex makes them feel special when, honestly, men who will “wrap it up” to protect your health and prevent unwanted pregnancies are who actually care about you. #pleaseletthatmarinate
Oh, and while some articles out here profess that good sex can “make you fall in love” (insert eye roll here), I have way too much respect for love to jump on that bandwagon. What I will say is if you’re not a constant student of learning the differences between infatuation, lust, love, and being in love, good sex can certainly mimic it (y’all be careful out here).
Bottom line, it looks like science has indeed provided us with enough data to support the fact that even if it didn’t come up with the word “dickmatize,” if you feel like good D has consumed you at some point in your life, it’s probably not all up in your head. Some sho’nuf body changes helped to make it a reality for you.
3 Signs It’s His…You Know and Not Really Him. One (Main) Thing to Do About It.
Sis, if you read all of this and then said, “Seeeee…it’s not my fault that I’m in a cul-de-sac sexual situation. It’s science” — yeah, let’s not play those games because, if dickmatizing pretty much only happens from having sex then you already know what can un-dickmatize you, right? RIGHT?! Okay, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Again, because the feelings that come from mind-blowing coitus can cause things to get a little tricky from time to time, how can you really know if you’re dickmatized — or not?
1. All you really have in common with him is sex. Listen, liking the same movies or DoorDash take-out does not make a solid relationship. If you know for a fact that if you took away the sex, there wouldn’t be much left to go on, then that is a great indicator that you are a victim of dickmatization. The dangerous thing about this particular point is time is something that you can’t ever get back, so is it worth it to have mind-numbing sex if you really want a relationship? Only you know that, my dear. Do be honest with yourself, though.
2. Your vagina and your common sense are always in debates (and your vagina is usually losing). It’s actually pretty natural to want to do things that make us feel good. The problem lies whenever you try to abandon all truth, facts, and logic in order to try and justify whatever that “pleasure source” may be. That said, it was actually a business website that provided some great points about how to know if you lack common sense in some area (even if you are an educated individual): you underestimate risks; you overcomplicate solutions; you misjudge time; you overanalyze simple situations (if it’s just sex, don’t make it more than that), and you pretty much suck at reading social cues (like, he may be having sex with you but that doesn’t mean you’re his only partner and/or that he has any future plans beyond sex for/with you).
3. You are lowering your standards. Look, some folks like to be dickmatized. That’s all they are really looking for and so, for them, for now, life is good. However, if you’re sticking around for the penis, all the while believing that you and “that guy” are going to turn into a 2.0 version of Darius and Nina — IT WAS A MOVIE. And sis, if you want a relationship, don’t deceive yourself into thinking that good sex will (automatically) turn into that.
Listen, although casual sex can be a lot of fun, I say often that casual means that something has no real aim or purpose, so if you want a relationship and you’re in a purposeless dynamic — you are lowering your standards, and that is, let’s go with, highly unfortunate.
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Okay, so as I’m about to wind all of this down, look at the feature pic again. Like really look at her. If the first thing that you noticed is she looks a lot like Denise Huxtable after she married Lt. Martin Kendall (the real ones know), I would agree. If the second thought that came to mind is, “Damn, are they a real couple because her stare is hella intense?” — that’s why I picked it. She is the epitome of what being dickmatized can look like.
And since I shared so many ways that sex can lead to dickmatization, well, if you want to get out of its clutches, you already know what you need to do. If his d-ck has you trippin’ (insert Total’s “Trippin’” right here), staying away from it — detoxing, if you will — is how to get on the road to logic, common sense, and genuine freedom.
Really, and totally wanting to do that? Yeah, that’s another matter entirely. For now, I will conclude with some pearls of wisdom from a client, though: “Girrrl, it took me a good six months to not act like I was coming off of a drug. But after I went cold turkey [insert Anthony David’s song about that here], I realized that all I was getting was good sex. I wanted more. Women can have both. They just have to choose it.”
YOU CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND SEX. YOU. JUST. HAVE. TO. CHOOSE IT.
If you’re currently and certifiably dickmatized right now, which way you leaning? Into the consequences of sex and science or the decision to get all of you want and not just — a piece of it (the puns keep on coming)?
Being dickmatized can be euphoric and also stagnating AF.
Please read this over again…and then choose wisely. Very.
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