4 Things That Are Within Your Control. 3 Things That Aren't.
Recently, some friends of mine and I were discussing what our biggest pet peeves are. When it came time for me to share, I didn’t even hesitate. Due to certain family members, past friendships, and some of my clientele, Lord knows, I can’t stand it when people refuse to take accountability for their life or the problems/issues/drama that they cause — they blame what they say or do on other people, they constantly complain without making any changes, they make excuses or try and justify triflingness…I really could go on and on.
Yet the form of unaccountability that gets overlooked, far more than it should, in my opinion, are the people who attempt to control everything about someone else’s life when they need to be far more focused on their own. Like, how in the world are you over here worrying about me and what I’ve got going on when I can point out at least five things about your own world that should keep you good and busy? Whew, chile.
When I brought this up to my friends, one of them said, “You should write something about that because I think a lot of signals get crossed because a lot of people aren’t really clear about what they can control and what they can’t.” And since there are a ton of control freaks out here (for a myriad of different reasons), I decided to take her up on her suggestion — because maybe, just maybe, some people have control out of control because they need to put the word in its proper perspective.
So, let’s see what happens. Over the course of eh, 10 minutes (depending on how fast you read and how many times you have to switch tabs to keep your boss from seeing what you’re doing), let’s talk about some of the things that you actually do have control over along with some other things that you absolutely do not. By getting clarity on both, it could bring more peace into your life and more harmony when it comes to dealing with everything and everyone that’s around you (here’s hoping, y’all).
You CAN CONTROL Your Words
Giphy“Don’t mix bad words with your bad mood. You’ll have many opportunities to change a mood, but you will never get the opportunity to replace the words you spoke.” (Unknown)
Someone who can’t control their words is someone who can’t control themselves. There’s no wiggle room on this, either. And that’s why it half tickles/half annoys me whenever I see someone on a social media video say something that is reckless as hell, only to follow it up with something along the lines of, “That’s just the way that I am” with their variation of an Elmo shrug.
Please stop. You are that way because YOU CHOOSE to be that way — and chances are, you keep not controlling your mouth/tongue/words because there haven’t been enough consequences (yet) to get you to reel all of that thatness back in.
Listen, as someone who is known for being very direct and extremely candid, I get that there are some of us out here who are more comfortable being, let’s say, “verbally bold” than others. Yet there is also something to be said for timing, motive, delivery, and tone — and no matter what is going on around you, you have control over all of those.
So, how do you get control of your words if that’s not something that you’re used to doing? Listen and then ponder what is being said before speaking. Check the reason behind why you’re about to say…whatever you’re about to say. Ask yourself if whatever you’re about to share is going to do more harm than good. And above all else, free yourself from needing to get the last word all of the time. A person who is confident that their words are solid enough that they don’t need a ton of explaining or defending? That is someone who has mastered their tongue far more than most.
There’s a reason why Scripture says that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21), and an untamed tongue is “unruly evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8). It’s because words are powerful. You know who is even more powerful than words, though? The vessel who is able to control which ones come out of them.
You CAN CONTROL Your Attitude
Giphy“You can control your attitude. Set it each morning.” (Earl Nightingale)
Not too long ago, I was asked in an interview about what I can see in adults that their parents totally dropped the ball on. The first thing that came out of my mouth was “Attitude. Too many people are all over the place emotionally because they don’t seem to know how to keep their attitude in check. It’s like they look like adults while acting like toddlers.” A big part of this is because they never fully or properly learned that although you can’t always control what happens to you, you can absolutely control how you respond or react to those things — and doing so is a sign of peak emotional maturity.
That’s why it’s always a huge red flag to me when someone flies off of the handle and then goes on to say that they did so because of what so-and-so said or did. That’s not taking accountability for your words/actions because no one made you do anything. If you feel otherwise, there is some growing up, in the lane of your attitude, that needs to be done.
So, what if you’re someone who is not used to keeping your attitude in check? That’s a good question. Something that you may want to start doing is journaling about if you tend to have more of a negative or a positive kind of attitude. If it’s the former, be intentional about surrounding yourself with more positive people and things. Another thing to do is get real about yourself if you operate from a mindset of lack or from a mindset of gratitude. The reason why I say this is because, if you always think that something is happening to you instead of for your greater good, that can keep you in a bitter and ultimately counterproductive state.
Another tip? Get a grip on the reality that the only person you can control is yourself. In fact, I’d venture to say that what pisses a lot of people off about others and their words/actions is they — wait for it — can’t control them. A lot of us spend a lot of time on what we think people should do, based on how we see things; then, when things don’t go according to our plans and perceptions…here comes the attitude (more on that in a bit).
Now am I saying that you should suppress your feelings? No. What I am saying is taking the time to get quiet and still enough to ponder and process before responding (and especially reacting) is a really wise and mature idea. And yes, no matter what is going on, doing this is something that you absolutely can…control.
You CAN CONTROL Your Boundaries
Giphy"Our boundaries define our personal space — and we need to be sovereign there in order to be able to step into our full power and potential." (Jessica Moore)
I grew up in a household that, quite frankly, didn't give a damn about my boundaries. What's even wilder is the fact that, even as I became an adult, that didn't change very much. Some of it was due to abuse, flat-out. And then some of it was due to the fact that…I really think that more parents should go to therapy once their children are somewhere around college age. It can take a lot of self-work to reprogram your mind to see the people who you once raised as adults who have every right in the world to tell you "no" once they are responsible for their own life.
Helicopter parenting and controlling parents are kind of another topic for another time. At the same time, I do think they are a good lead-in for this next thing that you can control — and that is your boundaries. Now for the record, boundaries aren't walls. Boundaries aren't barbed-wire fences, either. Some folks need to hear that because what they think is a healthy boundary is actually a loud reaction to pain.
No, what I'm speaking of is a limit — and yes, as an adult, you have the right to set limits with whomever you want to, and no, you don't owe people a justification or an explanation for doing so. As I oftentimes say, going beyond a "no" is privileged information; no one — and I do mean no one — has an automatic right to it.
And here's what's wild about setting limits — once you do so, you're able to see who is good at respecting boundaries and who isn't because the moment someone tries to get you to break down your boundaries to them, those are typically the ones who are looking for loopholes, just so that they can break them.
You know what else is wild about boundaries? They can manifest in all sorts of unexpected ways. For instance, anyone who knows me (according to my definition of the word; check out "5 Signs You Really Know A Person") knows that I'm a pretty generous person. Oh, and don't have someone be a fellow Gemini (A LOT of my world is) because I'm really gonna show out! Even as I'm typing this, it's a friend's birthday, and when I asked him what he wanted, he said "nothing"; that he was blessed, had the need for nothing, and really just wanted to chill.
We've been friends for many years at this point, so in times past, I used to "railroad him with generosity" and do things for him anyway. While he was always gracious, it would end up putting tension on the friendship because he was never as excited as I would've been (on the receiving end), and that would make me feel like he didn't appreciate my efforts. Maturity has taught me that, actually, I was disrespecting him by not listening to what he said he wanted/needed on HIS day. It wasn't about what I thought about it — it was about honoring him and his limits…whether I agreed with them, understood them, or…not.
Yeah, boundaries are a mutha, yet never get out of your psyche that you are in complete and total control when it comes to the limits that you set for your own life. Do it without fear. Do it without reservation or apology. Do it exactly where you need to. Hmph. Let me tell it, the more folks who settle into the empowerment of this particular point, the less they will need to control things that they can't control.
We'll get into those "can'ts" after one more point.
You CAN CONTROL Your Timing
Julia Child Hbomax GIF by Max - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphy"Until you value yourself, you will not value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it." (M. Scott Peck)
This an interesting one because, off the top, you might be tempted to give it a bit of pushback. After all, you can't control the universe… universe-ing and even Scripture tells us that there is a time and season for everything (Ecclesiastes 3). While things do change, we can't always determine how, when, or why they will.
That said, what I mean by timing is you can control how YOU move — and you can. You can determine what's a waste of your time (by definition, if it's not giving you an adequate return on your investment, for the most part, it is a waste). You can determine if/when it is a good idea, for your sake, to say or do something at any given time. There are certain things that you can do that will actually help you to reclaim some of your time (check out "Here Are 10 Ways To Absolutely Reclaim Your Time, Sis"). You can also teach yourself how to become a more patient individual so that you don't move emotionally or impulsively. And how can you master that?
- Slow down
- Be mindful (learn how to make the most of each moment you are in)
- Stay grateful
- Strengthen your self-control skills
- Remind yourself that receiving something when it's best for you is best
Also, listen to your body and your conscience. If you're about to do something and your body immediately becomes anxious or tense, take a moment to ask yourself, "Why?" Patient people tend to be more peaceful than others because they aren't trying to rush matters — they just stay in a state of readiness for them. And yes, on many levels, that is absolutely something that we all can control (the readiness, that is). A state of readiness has a very profound influence on timing.
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You CAN’T CONTROL Other People
Giphy“Control leaves no room for trust.” (Glennon Doyle)
I’ve got a girlfriend who used to say all of the time that “should” is a really big word. Initially, I didn’t really understand where she was coming from — until she said it so much that it low-key got on my nerves enough that I decided to hone in on when and how I applied “should” in my own life. And boy, was it a revelation. I couldn’t believe how many times I unnecessarily found myself feeling triggered, upset, or disappointed, and it was all because I was should-ing all over the place — they should say this, they should’ve done that, it should’ve gone this way. How arrogant of me.
Why do I use the word “arrogant”? Because my shoulds were nothing more than projections that were based on my own perspectives. Someone should make a big deal about birthdays because I do? Someone should text by the EOD because I tend to do it immediately. Someone should take a particular approach to a political or moral issue simply because I do. Yes, y’all — that is ego oozing all over the place. Besides, how would you feel if someone was should-ing all over you?
The quote that comes along with this particular point is actually a pretty profound one because the author is right — a lot of control comes from a lack of trust. When it comes to intimate relationships, sometimes it’s not trusting that they will stick around, rise to the occasion or meet your needs. When it comes to humans, in general, it’s more about trusting in the fact that just like you are an individual who deserves the safety and respect to be your own self, they deserve the same thing; that where you and someone else complement one another, awesome….where you don’t, trust the universe to handle it instead of (poorly) attempting to exert your power over them to make them more like you.
Yeah, life flows a lot smoother and sweeter when you’re not should-ing all over everyone. I can personally attest to that, chile. Stop trying to control other people. It’s arrogant and ultimately…futile.
You CAN’T CONTROL What Happens Outside of Your Home/Personal Space
Giphy“Anything you can’t control is teaching you how to let go.” (Unknown)
This is why, even when people try to gaslight me about how strict my home-sanctuary boundaries are, it doesn’t phase my ambivert ass one bit. Because the more I accept that I can’t control things beyond my home and personal space, the more I am perfectly fine with controlling those two areas and the energy that comes into them.
Not only that but…peep the quote for this particular point. Even though everything around us can teach us something (if we’re open to learning), who wants to be a student 24/7 with no time off? Controlling where you dwell and your personal space actually gets you time “off of the clock” so that you can better handle/manage the chaos that oftentimes comes with people, places, things, and ideas that are outside of yourself.
I promise you that the more you focus on making your house a home and the more that you are intentional about how your energy is affected, the easier it is to accept that if someone talks crazy to you in the grocery store, there’s no need to totally fly off of the handle. Handle things in a responsible way, knowing that in just a few moments, you can head back to your space of peace…your home.
You CAN’T (TOTALLY) CONTROL the Future
Giphy“If you try to control everything, and then you worry about things you can’t control, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of frustration and misery.” (Unknown)
Final one. The reason why I say that you can’t totally control the future is that using discernment, common sense, and applying the things that we just talked about all definitely play a role in influencing how your future will go. Yet when you factor in that, you can’t control people and the space beyond your home, this means that there will be a ton of times when life simply does not go as desired or planned. You can’t control someone loving you the way you may want them to. You can’t control if a crisis happens or not. You can’t control if one day you lose your job (for reasons that have nothing to do with you).
Listen, when my place burned down three days before Christmas back in 2021, it was amazing how calm I was. As firemen were hosing it all down, I went to my already scheduled pedicure appointment. Why? Because I can only control what I can control, and I had to trust that even though my present was looking totally off the chain (and not in a good way), seasons change, and, at some point, the future would reveal some things to me.
One came from an instructor that I had a few months ago. Long story short, she revealed that the exact date of the fire was the date on a particular calendar of a rebirth that marked a certain era that only a few people would be a part of because it was marked by trauma. My middle name means rebirth, and the era is something that I am very passionate about — so it all tracked. I couldn’t control the future, yet not trying to is how I moved into the revelations that I received. Hmph. Funny how life works that way. Surrender over what you can’t control and watch how much it matures what you can control.
____
A writer by the name of Katie St. Claire once said, “No one has the patent on you.” Rest in that as far as what you can control, and also remember that this point applies to others too.
Goodness. If we all just focused on controlling what we actually can control, this world would be a lot less chaotic, that’s for sure. Yet hey — you can only control you, so focus on that and let the chips fall where they may with everyone else…elsewhere.
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Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images
- What Are Intrusive Thoughts & How Do We Manage Them? ›
- The Art Of Saying "No" To Things You Don't Want To Do ›
- You Just Might Be A Control Freak (In Recovery) ›
- This Hack Can Instantly Get You Out Of A Bad Mood ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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