5 Signs You Really Know A Person
If there are three words that I personally think get abused (or misused) a lot, it's "love," "friend," and "know". I mean, think about it — how is that the same word you would use for your favorite flavor of ice cream is the same word you would use to describe how you feel about your significant other (love)? Or, when you think about all that you and your bestie have been through, how do the people you barely speak to — let alone see — on social media get the same title as they do (friend)?
Most of y'all probably feel me on those two words, but "know"? What's my issue with that?
I always found it interesting, and also pretty cool, that if you read the New King James Version of the Bible, when it talks about a husband having sex with his wife, "knew" is the word that's used (Genesis 4:25). He wasn't smashin' or hittin' — he was getting to know her better.
To me, it cosigns what I think about the word "know"; that, in many ways, just like when it comes to love or friend, it's a sacred word. Folks can't be out here just casually claiming to know someone. There should be a certain kind of criteria that qualifies them to say that. For starters, the five following things must apply.
What It Means To Really Know Someone
You've Had Bonafide Shared Experiences with Each Other
"Know" is a pretty layered word. Two of my favorite definitions of it are "to perceive or understand as fact or truth" and "to understand from experience or attainment." If you know someone, you've experienced some things with them. Experiences are personal accounts.
When I think of experiences, I think of good times and tough times. I think of the people who were there for me during my latest heartbreak or the ones who can call me when they are short on a bill. Even when I think about the people I've gone to the movies with or had lunch with, it served some kind of a purpose beyond the surface. So yeah, for someone to say that they know me, we've spent some personal time together. Definitely.
They've Consistently Communicated with You Within the Last 12-16 Months
How is it that supposedly it takes 21 days to break a habit, but someone who hasn't spoken to you in five years is able to say that they know you? Shoot, with all of the self-work I've done over the past year or so, I barely know me (that's a joke— kinda), so I know folks I haven't seen since college don't.
Even the guys who've known me in the biblical sense, because it's been so long ago, I don't profess to know anymore. I'm pretty sure their anatomy hasn't changed, but time changes people mentally and emotionally, so hopefully they've evolved to the point where it's more accurate to say that I knew them.
My point? A part of the reason why we call people on the phone or take trips with them, etc. is so that we can remain connected to them throughout all of the things in life that change us over time. Things that evolve us and (hopefully) mature us.
I won't lie. Being away from some folks feels like missing two years of a soap opera; you see them again and it's like you didn't miss a thing. But overall, if it's been 1-1½ years and you haven't been in touch with someone, it's pretty bold to claim that you know them. Same goes for them professing that they know you.
Because think about it — if someone knows you so well unless they are in another country without phone access, why haven't you connected with them on some level within the past year-and-a-half anyway?!
Your Relationship with Them Goes Beyond Social Media
Personally, I haven't been on social media for almost a decade, so I'll tread softly here. I will say that when I was on it, the platform was Facebook and my page was pretty much a place where folks would debate hot topics. Aside from counseling, I wasn't doing a lot of "caring and sharing" on there, though. I prefer to get on the phone to do that. To this day, my circle knows that if you have my number (which might be 10 people, literally), that means you know me; that we really are homies.
However, I do know a lot of people who will comment on celebrities or even just people they follow online like they are close friends with them based on what those folks post on their own pages. Listen, people show you what they want you to see. Don't let that make you think that you truly know them, though.
Just because you see things about someone doesn't mean you know them.
They Can Provide More Details than Gossip
Remember how one of the definitions of the word "know" is someone who has facts and truth? Chile, is there more that needs to be said on this one? Who can you say you know facts (opinions are not facts) about? Who can say they know the truth (opinions are not truth either) about you?
For the record, some gossip is truth. But if you let someone into your life to the point that they know you, they shouldn't be the kind of folks who would tell your business. Feel me?
If someone professes to know you and it's only based on hearsay, they don't. They know what they heard, and 7 times out of 10, either that has very little to do with the real you or the people in your circle talk too much and you need to set new boundaries when it comes to dealing with the people you know.
You Agree with Them
This one is my favorite. Knowing is about intimacy and it's hard to be truly intimate when it's one-sided. There used to be a time when, whenever someone would come to me with something they heard from someone who claimed to "know" me, I got frustrated. These days, I don't because no one can claim to know me without my agreeing with them that they do.
I say that because no one knows the truth and facts about me like I do. Therefore, I have a say on who thinks that they do.
Right now, I know who can confidently say that they know me. We've been through some things together, we've connected within the past couple of months (at least), they have my phone number, they've got facts on me (not all of them are stellar but I will admit they are the truth) and there is a mutual intimacy between us.
Yeah. It feels good to know and be known. It feels even better to know I've got total control over that being the case.
Sis, so do you.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Growing up in Brooklyn, New York, Caribbean culture has always been all around me, from the food to the dancehall and soca music to traditions carried out by all of the Caribbean people living in the city. As a youngin, I loved attending the West Indian Day Parade every September because the floats, steel drums, extravagant feathers, and upbeat music made me feel free and gave me a deeper appreciation for the culture.
As I got older, I learned that the yearly Carnivals happening across the Caribbean put NYC’s little festivities to shame. Traveling to the islands themselves and experiencing the people and culture first-hand really gives you a deeper understanding and appreciation for Caribbean culture.
The history of Carnival celebrations in the Caribbean can be traced back to enslaved people who were forbidden from participating in the Pre-Lenten celebrations and thus created their own celebrations and traditions, which over time developed into celebrations of freedom and rebellion. Each country in the Caribbean has its own unique history of celebrations, as well as its own Carnival traditions that set it apart from other festivities.
What started as a Pre-Lenten celebration is now celebrated during a range of months throughout the year and now attracts hundreds of people from all over the world. Here are six carnivals that you should go to this year to experience this culture for yourself.
Crop Over - Barbados Carnival
Crop Over Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 6, 2024
What better place to celebrate carnival than the home of our Bajan Queen Rihanna? While some festivities start as early as May, the official festival season in Barbados starts in July and ends in early August. Crop Over originally started as a way for plantation workers to celebrate the end of the sugarcane harvest season and has now evolved into a much larger celebration. Crop Over is a blend of both old and new traditions, such as the Ceremonial Delivery of the Last Canes, and Cohobblopot, where bands show off their beautiful costumes and play soca and calypso music.
All of the week's festivities culminate with the Grand Kadooment, Crop Over’s big parade featuring all of the bands and droves of people taking to the streets in their beautiful costumes and dancing to the local music.
Other things to do: Visit Hunte’s Garden in Joseph’s Parish and find peace in the picturesque garden while spotting an array of different birds and animals. If you’re looking for beach relaxation, spend a day at Carlisle Bay, the perfect beach for swimming, taking in some sun, and a possible turtle sighting.
Saint Thomas Carnival
Saint Thomas Carnival Dates: April 28, 2024 - May 5, 2024
No passport? That won’t be a problem for U.S. travelers looking to get in on the carnival experience. Saint Thomas, one of the three U.S. Virgin Islands, is known for its crystal clear beaches, scuba diving scene, and overall vibrant culture. The island celebrates its carnival in late April and features a dynamic lineup of events including colorful adult and kiddie parades, calypso competitions, and street parties. Virgin Islanders are known to love to party, so make sure to fill up before the festivities with some local favorites like johnny cakes, callaloo, and conch fritters.
With its rich cultural heritage and lively atmosphere, this is a carnival experience perfect for a first-timer who wants to ease their way into the lifestyle.
Other things to do: Visit one of Saint Thomas’ many turquoise blue beaches such as Coki, Magens Bay, Brewers Bay, or Lindquist Beach. Coki Beach is perfect if you're looking for a more lively experience and want to snorkel without swimming far out, and Brewers Bay is best known for the sea turtles that you can see from the sand. You can also take a short ferry over to Saint John, another of the Virgin Islands, and spend a day at Lime Out, a floating taco and margarita bar.
Spicemas - Grenada Carnival
Courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority
Spicemas Dates: August 7, 2024 - August 14, 2024
Grenada, also known as the Spice Isle due to its production of a variety of spices, has one of the most anticipated carnivals every year. During Spicemas, revelers hit the streets for lively music, paint, oil, dancing, and good times. One of the most important aspects of Spicemas is Jab Jab, a celebration that involves covering one's body in black oil or paint. This tradition started as a post-emancipation masquerade, in which former enslaved Africans would paint themselves black emulating a “Jab” derived from the French word diable, which means devil.
This was a way of mocking their former masters and also represented rebellion and freedom. Since then, the tradition has evolved into a staple of Carnival on J’ouvert morning, a celebration of freedom, and undoubtedly an element that makes Grenada stand out from other Carnivals across the diaspora. Outside of J’ouvert, Spicemas is a beautiful culmination of colorful and vibrant costumes, steel band competitions, delicious rum, and music that you’ll dance to all night.
Grenada is celebrating 50 years of independence this year, so just know that Spicemas is going to be extra special!
Other things to do: For the ocean lovers, the Molinere Bay Underwater Sculpture Park is a must-see attraction. It is the world's first underwater sculpture park and a popular excursion for folks visiting the island. This year, five new installations are being added to the park, which can all be viewed through snorkeling, diving, or a glass bottom boat ride.
Antigua Carnival
Antigua Carnival Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 7, 2024
Every August, carnival lovers flock to the beautiful island of Antigua for its annual carnival festival. First celebrated in 1957, Antigua’s Carnival started as a celebration of emancipation from slavery and has since expanded into a dynamic showcase of local talent, music, and cultural pride. Some events to look forward to are the Party Monarch and Calypso Monarch competitions, as well as the Caribbean Queen’s Competition.
Antigua Carnival is an almost two-week extravaganza that leads into J’ouvert on Carnival Monday and the main parade on Carnival Tuesday. If you love good music, vibrant costumes, and delicious food, this is the carnival for you.
Other things to do: Take a trip to Shirley Heights Lookout for live music and breathtaking panoramic views of the coastline and ocean. And with 365 beaches in total, you’d be missing out if you didn’t fit in a few on your itinerary.
Bermuda Carnival
Bermuda Carnival Dates: June 12, 2024 - June 17, 2024
Also known as Heroes Weekend, Bermuda Carnival may be smaller than some of the other carnivals, but is still a great time. Bermuda is one of the newer carnivals, originating in 2015. Celebrated in June, this long weekend of festivities draws inspiration from other popular carnivals while also highlighting elements of Bermudian culture. You can expect some similar elements as other countries such as daily fetes, soca music, and a parade filled with different bands and extravagant costumes.
They also celebrate Bermuda’s National Heroes during carnival with a national feast. Bermudians have immense pride in their country and culture, and their carnival is the biggest celebration of the year that you don’t want to miss.
Other things to do: Take a day trip to Crystal and Fantasy Caves, beautiful caves formed over millions of years that you can take tours of. Spend a few hours taking in these beautiful natural wonders and seeing some of the formations and underground pools.
Saint Lucia Carnival
Saint Lucia Carnival Dates: July 10, 2024 - July 17, 2024
Home to some of the most beautiful mountains and beaches in the Caribbean, Saint Lucia has the perfect backdrop for an unforgettable carnival experience. Saint Lucia Carnival didn’t take flight until the late 1940s but has grown into a favorite for both novice and seasoned masqueraders. Formerly held in February, this carnival now kicks off in July which allows it not to compete with the highly revered Trinidadian carnival that also happens at that time. Saint Lucia’s Carnival has grown in popularity over the years because of the lively music, delicious food, and turned-up fetes.
One of the highlights is the Parade of the Bands, where masqueraders adorned in elaborate costumes dance through the streets to the rhythms of soca, calypso, and steelpan music. The best way to prepare for the Saint Lucia Carnival is to stay hydrated and well-fed so that you can thoroughly enjoy the plethora of events and parties happening from early morning to nightfall.
Other things to do:The Pitons, Gros Piton and Petit Piton are a UNESCO World Heritage Site and one of the main attractions in Saint Lucia. Take a hike of Gros Piton or just marvel at its natural beauty. If you're there on a Friday night, stop by the weekly Gros Islet Street Party, which is filled with music, drinks, and local food.
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Featured image courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority