True Friendships Are About More Than Sunday Brunches & Photo Ops
Lately, we drop friends like flies and many of us do it under the guise of ridding ourselves of haters or cling-ons. Scroll any social media platform and it will be overrun with anecdotal threads of friend-dropping over some of the smallest and most easily solvable issues. Often the issue is not that someone has done us wrong but rather that we have misunderstood what friendship is and how to operate in it with integrity.
A lesson that I learned well in undergrad is that not every one of my friends serves the same function in my life. In the same way, I do not serve the same function in each of my friends' lives. Coming to grips with this truth, enabled me to leave behind the childish notion that friends do everything together, think the same things, and function co-dependently.
That is not friendship. That is dysfunction.
When we demand behavior of our friends that is simply not within their character, personality, or interests - we show how little we know about them and how little we respect individuality and the primary function of friendship. Friendship is a mutual exchange of love and support, real talk and hard conversations, anticipation and celebration, adventure and shared stillness. Each of these can look differently depending on the one-on-one relationship between friends. None of these must be identical to any other friendship. When we are deceived into believing that all our friendships must function exactly alike, we rob ourselves and others of the ability to be true to ourselves and in our relationships, ultimately stealing opportunities for growth and evolution.
Friendship is more than Sunday brunches, Instagram photos, and being each other's bridesmaids. Just for the photo opp. Just because we look like we should be friends. Just because we're cute in photos together.
When we push past the superficial, we can get to the good stuff of our friendships. Here are three key thoughts on friendships - how to choose them, honor them, and grow them.
Decide Who You Are And What You Value
There is little we can ask of others in relationships of any kind when we are not clear on who we are, what we bring to the table, and what we value. This is the first key to understanding and appreciating your friend circle. Ignorance of your own values and needs will have you constantly linking up with people with whom you don't mesh. This often leads to misunderstandings, you trying to change them, and them resenting you for not accepting them as they are.
When you know who you are and what you value in life and relationships, your discernment of people will be that much keener and point you in the direction of friendships that will last.
Define What Friendship Means To You
Watch any high school flick and it's easy to see how many have been conditioned to believe that friendship means blind loyalty and the absence of individuality. As adults, it's our duty to check ourselves on how we see friendship, not only to maintain healthy relationships but to ensure that we don't alienate others with our bogus expectations. Not everyone who could potentially be a true friend to you has to enjoy all of the things you enjoy. In many cases, they don't have to have all the same views as you either - be clear on what views are harmless and which are harmful.
If you cannot appreciate your friends for their unique qualities, opinions, and abilities - chances are, you are either never going to enjoy the beauty of friendship or your life will be a revolving door of friends who you've pushed away for not being what you want them to be. If you need someone to control and tell you what you want to hear, you want a 'yes-woman' not a friend. Be clear and do the self-work to evolve from that way of operating if you don't want to end up alone.
Be Clear On Your Go-To's
More often than not, no two friendships are the same even within the same social circles. There may be one or two people within your circle with whom you pray and discuss spiritual principles and there may be one or two other people with whom you're more comfortable discussing political views and reality television.
This is not an exercise in creating cliques within a clique. It is how emotionally intelligent, observant, and considerate people use their discernment. Why would you ask your friend who is struggling with her belief in God to pray with you? That is not her strong suit and there is no shame there, it's fact. Knowing your friends' strengths and how they show up best in your life is paramount to maintaining healthy friendships.
Make Sure You Show Up As A Friend, Too
Society has a way of causing us to look outward at what everyone else is doing while we gloss over how we're showing up in the world. Are you a good friend? One of the best ways to draw quality friendships into your life is to decide to be a good friend. To operate in integrity in your relationships. To show up for those you care for as honestly and lovingly as you can without depleting yourself.
Friendship is a gift. It is more than an Instagram Boomerang or girls' night out. To get to the crux of its beauty, we have to commit to valuing the uniqueness of each relationship we have. That's where the treasure lies. That's where our lives can be enriched and we can enrich others'
Featured image by Shutterstock.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why I'm OK When Certain Friendships In My Life End
Dear Queen: An Open Letter To The "Strong Friend"
How To Build A Squad Of Empowering Friends
Your Best Girlfriend Just Might Be Your Soulmate
Originally published October 17, 2018
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- How To Make Friends As An Adult - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.