What I Learned About Making Friends As An Adult
When I was younger I always thought everything in life would get easier with age because I'd have complete control of my life. Being underage meant my choices were limited when it came to making decisions. I always felt I fell into things rather than picked them especially when it came to friendships. As I got older I thought building friendships would be just as easy as it had been but better because I'd be making a decision based on shared interests instead of location. Personally, that wasn't the case for me at all when it came to making friends as an adult.
The truth about making friends as an adult is that it can be disappointing if you don't have the right mindset.
From grade school through college, finding your crew and becoming instant best friends was easy, but those were simpler times. Although there are plenty of apps and websites that make it easier to make friends as we get older, forging and maintaining friendships will take a little more effort. After I made a cross-country move, I knew I had to put myself out there if I wanted to make my new city my home.
If you're on the market for new friends because of a move or just want to expand your circle of influence, keep these three lessons I've learned in mind:
Be Cautious
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Although you get wiser with age, "stranger danger" doesn't just apply to children. Unlike school, your future friends haven't been vetted by the admissions office. On apps that connect you directly with other people looking for friendships, the proposed meeting place is usually in a bar or club, so be careful.
When I first heard of Bumble BFF, I was excited to try it but I quickly decided it wasn't for me. With girls that I had great conversations with, I nor the other person would ever suggest meeting up. I realized unless I was open to friend dates, the app was pointless, so I began considering taking the leap until something in my gut changed my mind.
The people who were immediately open and persistent about hanging out always had a similar story: They were solo-traveling women who were only in town for one day and wanted a partner to go clubbing with. It could've just been anxiety clouding my judgment but something about that always seemed off to me. Even though going out for drinks sounds fun, I joined the platform for long-term friends so it didn't seem worth the risk.
Many people have made lifelong friends on the app so I still suggest others give it a try despite my experience. Just be smart and trust your instincts!
Remain Open-Minded
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Apps like MeetUp that allow you to join social groups and clubs are a great no-pressure way to meet new people. After setting up an account, you can browse hobbies and groups that pique your interest.
Don't immediately filter your search results. Try doing something outside of your comfort zone or that you've been meaning to do.
For years, joining a gym has been on my to-do list but after a while, getting in shape wasn't enough of an incentive to keep me going. I found a jogging group in my area on the app that meets up a few times a week in the morning and evenings. I didn't initially love the idea of exercising outside but the sense of community from the group kept me motivated.
Staying open-minded doesn't just apply to your interests but where you're open to meeting friends. I met one of my best friends at my first job in Los Angeles. At work, I had a tendency to be introverted and preferred to keep my personal and private life separate, but ditching that rule proved extremely beneficial for me.
Don't Force It
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It's great to get out of your comfort zone but there's nothing wrong with stepping back inside of it. If you feel out of your element or lonely, you might stay in unpleasant situations for longer than necessary.
I've never been much of an athlete but a friend from home recommended amateur sports teams as a way to socialize. I joined a soccer league and although the people were fun, I was absolutely terrible at it and didn't have much in common with them except our love of after-game drinks. I quickly realized amateur players may have less patience for beginners than the pros so despite wanting to fit in, I knew it wasn't going to work out.
Thankfully, I found options that were more my speed. It didn't matter whether I joined Meetup, Bumble BFF, a book club, meditation group, or an amateur sports league. I know that the most important contributing factor to finding my core group of friends here was not an app, but a great mindset.
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Chantel Turner is a Los Angeles based writer who's passionate about mental health, philosophy, and pop culture. You can reach me by email at CTTWrites[at]gmail.com or https://chantelturner.contently.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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