
In Pursuit Of Happiness: Why Joyful Connections Make The Best Adult Friendships

Many of us, 25+ women, are mindfully exiting toxic relationships and transforming good relationships into great ones by healing our inner child and returning back to childlike play. In the context of a post-lockdown society, we’re recovering from avoiding connection for years by discovering ourselves in community and interdependence, as is most rewarding.
They say raising a child takes a village, but we don’t stop needing a village to become well and good people in adulthood - after all, we are but tender children looking for love, safety, and fun on the inside.
After the obligations and responsibilities of work and home life, there is little left of us, which is why and how we spend what little time we have with others matters. We cannot rely on convenience or proximity to form rich adult friendships that fill our cup, but rather something more substantive.
As a Brooklyn-based community builder who runs a collective to help women make adult friendships, I would say the best return on investment in new friends comes from meeting people where their joy exists.
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When it comes to the development of such friendships, we might need to return to the sandbox and the vulnerability of asking another human if they want to play with us. As kids and young adults, community is compulsory. By way of school, church, extracurricular activities, sports, cul-de-sac friends, and third place galore, we were surrounded by peers from all walks of life, even if we didn’t necessarily intend to be.
Unlikely to consider if these spaces were even truly fun, safe, or beneficial, I’m not sure we even knew that community was what we were participating in.
A lot of folks struggle to make friends beyond their early twenties because the security blankets have been removed.
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21 is the average age that most meet our best friends, according to The Friendship Report, a global study commissioned by Snapchat in 2019. We can theorize this is because of factors like college environments, frequency of social events, bonding over canon events like first serious romantic relationships, and simply having idle time.
As we age and our responsibilities start to weigh heavier and heavier, we connect less over levity, play, and gossip and become more concerned with romantic partners - which society assigns greater importance - taxes, mortgages, children, increasingly aching bones, and the looming anxiety of legacy.
Here’s the thing: Loneliness is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Our health quite literally depends on having fruitful connections that aren’t grown from obligation. We need friends who choose us because they love to see us happy and light.
We need friends who choose us because they love to see us happy and light.
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The average American spends a very sad 41 minutes a day socializing. We are not socialized to value regular attendance to third places or interest-based activities/hobbies, so this makes sense, but it’s the greatest inhibitor to finding other adults we’re delighted by rather than trauma bonds with coworkers who also hate your boss or neighbors who are fine, but don’t share our values.
Not only do we need to find third places, not only do we need to commit intentional time daily to investing in friends, but we also need to connect with our friends over soul-enriching and genuinely fun activities. Things that help us know each other intimately. What we do while we spend time with friends is what makes the friendship.
According to Jeffrey A. Hall of the University of Kansas, it takes over 200 hours of committed time to truly build a friendship, but as the time committed to leisure increases, so does the reported quality of the friendship. Hence, meeting our friends where our joy is.
Hence, meeting our friends where our joy is.
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I was not the kind of person who ever got to make friends for a good or long time. I moved a lot as a child, went to university across the country from my family, where I didn’t have the ideal experience, then moved across the country again to New York post-college - a city notoriously densely populated and yet incredibly lonely.
I was experiencing no shortage of interactions with people, but a shortage of A) time outside of work and B) vulnerable experiences that don’t involve going to a bar to truly bring me closer to other humans. Today, I have certainly met my people.
While I’m emotionally available to kind folks always, my cup is filled constantly by those who have met me where I am happiest with consistency. I know the context of the way these relationships developed has greatly impacted them.
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Last year, a new friend of mine noticed I volunteer at a local food bank every week. We are both founders and hobbyists with little extra time on our hands who really value being of service to the community, so I asked her to join me.
Over the period of a year, she and I developed a ritual of buying each other coffee, coming to our “sacred place,” as we call it, and spending time in the kitchen catching up on family chat, dating gossip, therapy updates, and everything in between. We kiss goodbye and promise to see each other soon, and we always do.
Several of my friends are travelers, so we spend time eating delicious food and putting our toes in the finest sand in the world together. Several of my friends are obsessed with and work in music, so we enjoy attending the concerts of our favorite artists. My friends and I each have our rituals of sheer, unadulterated joy.
My friends and I each have our rituals of sheer, unadulterated joy.
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When I plan events for my community collective, I keep this in mind. We don’t just meet over dinner to talk about work - we do yoga together, we make homemade pasta, we grab ice cream, we learn breathwork, we run around the park, we go on nature walks, we meet to debrief books.
It dawned on me recently that because we grew up forced into dynamics with each other, we never truly learned what community means to us and don’t know how to choose it. As we age, the foundation of our survival shifts from being liked by others to liking ourselves and building a small but mighty team of people who support us in doing so and brighten that light in us out in all of its luminosity.
Your friendships and community are, in essence, a team of people who are co-creating your reality, with each person offering a slice of deliciousness to round out your life pie.
Valuing yourself and committing time for joy is the gateway to friends who bring you joy and want to find you there.
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Roscoe Dash joined xoMan host Kiara Walker to share the journey of his personal and spiritual evolution—from the party anthems that made him famous to a deeper life rooted in faith, family, and purpose. This episode offers an honest look at how the artist has grown beyond early fame, addressing fatherhood, masculinity, creativity, and healing.
Dash opened up about the internal transformation that has guided him away from chasing the spotlight and toward seeking peace. “Faith and fear can’t occupy the same space,” he said, underscoring his shift toward a more spiritually grounded life. Throughout the interview, he emphasized the importance of self-reflection:
“The most important conversations to me, honestly, outside of the ones you have with God, is the ones you have with yourself in the mirror.”
Dash is focused on the man he’s become. “I’m not the accolades I’ve achieved—I’m the person who achieved them,” he added, pointing to a broader understanding of identity and worth. A large part of that growth has come through fatherhood, especially raising daughters, which he said has deepened his understanding of love. “Love is unconditional and love loves to love no matter what,” he shared.
He also spoke candidly about the pressures of fame and its impact on creativity. “Chasing fame can kill your creativity as a musician,” he warns. Instead, his advice to other artists is simple but clear: “Keep your focus on your art form, whatever that may be, and stay passionate.”
The conversation also touches on gender dynamics and emotional safety in relationships. “Safe men make soft women. If she feels safe, she’ll melt like butter,” he said, challenging traditional notions of masculinity. Roscoe also offers wisdom on discernment and spiritual testing: “Sometimes the devil will give you what looks better than your blessing.”
Ultimately, Dash has learned to embrace peace over chaos. “All I can do is control what I can control. And that's how I respond to things and what I'm giving out,” he said. It’s a thoughtful, soulful side of Roscoe Dash that many may not expect—but one that leaves a lasting impression.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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I Tried It: 3 Low-Maintenance Wigs That Will Elevate Your Look This Season
There's nothing like the feeling you get when your hair is done. It can instantly boost your confidence and put you in a great mood. I've never been a stranger to hair trends and I often experiment with the latest braided styles and colors.
But there are moments when I just don't feel like doing my hair. I'm natural and a lot of times I will braid or twist my hair up and cover it with a scarf or turban. However, when I crave a different look without the hassle of styling, I reach for a wig.
I've always had a love-hate relationship with wigs. Sometimes, I struggle to get them to lay flat and don't get me started with the bonding glue process. So when it comes to wearing wigs, I like to keep it nice and breezy around this b--- (word to Katt Williams), especially in the summertime.
That's why I jumped at the chance to try these three versatile wigs from Luvme Hair. Each one offers a unique look and is surprisingly low maintenance, which aligns perfectly with my philosophy that wearing wigs should make life easier. Let’s dive into the three styles below.
Headband Wig
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This was the first wig I tried on, and I instantly fell in love with it. So much so that it took me weeks to even consider trying the other two. I’m partial to colored hair, especially blonds, browns, and reds, so I was skeptical about the jet black hair. However, I think the color, combined with the curl pattern, worked surprisingly well for me.
One of the things I really liked about this wig was that I didn’t have to braid my hair down first. I could simply throw it over a low ponytail, which is the epitome of a low-maintenance style. The headband has combs inside and velcro on the ends, ensuring a secure fit.
Half Wig
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I had never worn a half wig before, so I faced some challenges. I cornrowed the bottom half of my hair where the wig would sit, but I believe this made it more difficult to use the combs. It might just be me though. I straightened the top part of my hair to blend it with the wig, which looked cute for about five minutes.
Firstly, I have a brown/blonde color mix on the ends of my hair, and the half wig is black. So, I had to hide some of the color (I didn’t have time to dye the wig). Secondly, straightening my hair myself is always a hassle because it never lasts long. Add to that the summer humidity, and you get a hot mess. Despite all this, I managed to get some cute pictures before things got out of control, and that’s all that matters, right?
Would I consider this a low-maintenance hair style? Yes and no. I think it’s unrealistic for me during the summer, especially since I enjoy summer activities. However, when the weather cools down, I’ll definitely rock it, dyed, of course.
Bob
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Now, this is the wig I was nervous about. I never had a bob and I didn't think I would like it. But once I put bobiana on, my mind instantly changed. I finally understood why the gworls rave about the bob so much. It was giving boss. It was giving grown woman. It was giving the bob means business. Iykyk. It was the ultimate statement.
I will say when I first put it on, one side of my wig just would not lay flat. It took some trial and error, but I finally managed to get it to look good. With the bob, I highly recommend braiding your hair down first as small as you can so it can lay as flat as possible. I really liked the ash blonde color, which is perfect for summer. The length also makes it a great low-maintenance style for the season, so you don't have to worry about the hair making your neck sweaty.
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