Many of us, 25+ women, are mindfully exiting toxic relationships and transforming good relationships into great ones by healing our inner child and returning back to childlike play. In the context of a post-lockdown society, we’re recovering from avoiding connection for years by discovering ourselves in community and interdependence, as is most rewarding.
They say raising a child takes a village, but we don’t stop needing a village to become well and good people in adulthood - after all, we are but tender children looking for love, safety, and fun on the inside.
After the obligations and responsibilities of work and home life, there is little left of us, which is why and how we spend what little time we have with others matters. We cannot rely on convenience or proximity to form rich adult friendships that fill our cup, but rather something more substantive.
As a Brooklyn-based community builder who runs a collective to help women make adult friendships, I would say the best return on investment in new friends comes from meeting people where their joy exists.
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When it comes to the development of such friendships, we might need to return to the sandbox and the vulnerability of asking another human if they want to play with us. As kids and young adults, community is compulsory. By way of school, church, extracurricular activities, sports, cul-de-sac friends, and third place galore, we were surrounded by peers from all walks of life, even if we didn’t necessarily intend to be.
Unlikely to consider if these spaces were even truly fun, safe, or beneficial, I’m not sure we even knew that community was what we were participating in.
A lot of folks struggle to make friends beyond their early twenties because the security blankets have been removed.
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21 is the average age that most meet our best friends, according to The Friendship Report, a global study commissioned by Snapchat in 2019. We can theorize this is because of factors like college environments, frequency of social events, bonding over canon events like first serious romantic relationships, and simply having idle time.
As we age and our responsibilities start to weigh heavier and heavier, we connect less over levity, play, and gossip and become more concerned with romantic partners - which society assigns greater importance - taxes, mortgages, children, increasingly aching bones, and the looming anxiety of legacy.
Here’s the thing: Loneliness is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Our health quite literally depends on having fruitful connections that aren’t grown from obligation. We need friends who choose us because they love to see us happy and light.
We need friends who choose us because they love to see us happy and light.
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The average American spends a very sad 41 minutes a day socializing. We are not socialized to value regular attendance to third places or interest-based activities/hobbies, so this makes sense, but it’s the greatest inhibitor to finding other adults we’re delighted by rather than trauma bonds with coworkers who also hate your boss or neighbors who are fine, but don’t share our values.
Not only do we need to find third places, not only do we need to commit intentional time daily to investing in friends, but we also need to connect with our friends over soul-enriching and genuinely fun activities. Things that help us know each other intimately. What we do while we spend time with friends is what makes the friendship.
According to Jeffrey A. Hall of the University of Kansas, it takes over 200 hours of committed time to truly build a friendship, but as the time committed to leisure increases, so does the reported quality of the friendship. Hence, meeting our friends where our joy is.
Hence, meeting our friends where our joy is.
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I was not the kind of person who ever got to make friends for a good or long time. I moved a lot as a child, went to university across the country from my family, where I didn’t have the ideal experience, then moved across the country again to New York post-college - a city notoriously densely populated and yet incredibly lonely.
I was experiencing no shortage of interactions with people, but a shortage of A) time outside of work and B) vulnerable experiences that don’t involve going to a bar to truly bring me closer to other humans. Today, I have certainly met my people.
While I’m emotionally available to kind folks always, my cup is filled constantly by those who have met me where I am happiest with consistency. I know the context of the way these relationships developed has greatly impacted them.
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Last year, a new friend of mine noticed I volunteer at a local food bank every week. We are both founders and hobbyists with little extra time on our hands who really value being of service to the community, so I asked her to join me.
Over the period of a year, she and I developed a ritual of buying each other coffee, coming to our “sacred place,” as we call it, and spending time in the kitchen catching up on family chat, dating gossip, therapy updates, and everything in between. We kiss goodbye and promise to see each other soon, and we always do.
Several of my friends are travelers, so we spend time eating delicious food and putting our toes in the finest sand in the world together. Several of my friends are obsessed with and work in music, so we enjoy attending the concerts of our favorite artists. My friends and I each have our rituals of sheer, unadulterated joy.
My friends and I each have our rituals of sheer, unadulterated joy.
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When I plan events for my community collective, I keep this in mind. We don’t just meet over dinner to talk about work - we do yoga together, we make homemade pasta, we grab ice cream, we learn breathwork, we run around the park, we go on nature walks, we meet to debrief books.
It dawned on me recently that because we grew up forced into dynamics with each other, we never truly learned what community means to us and don’t know how to choose it. As we age, the foundation of our survival shifts from being liked by others to liking ourselves and building a small but mighty team of people who support us in doing so and brighten that light in us out in all of its luminosity.
Your friendships and community are, in essence, a team of people who are co-creating your reality, with each person offering a slice of deliciousness to round out your life pie.
Valuing yourself and committing time for joy is the gateway to friends who bring you joy and want to find you there.
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- My Female Friendships Were The Most Heartbreaking & Loving Relationships Of My Twenties ›
- 10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships ›
- True Friendships Are About More Than Sunday Brunches & Photo Ops ›
- Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are “Inconvenient” ›
- A Definitive Guide On How To Make Friends As An Adult ›
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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