Have you ever kept returning to a relationship you knew wasn’t good for you? Although you experience brief highs, the relationship continuously spirals out of control. Unfortunately, you’re in a toxic relationship. And despite how media nowadays glorifies unhealthy attachments, you’re only traveling down a path of destruction.
Very Well Mind describes a toxic relationship as making you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked.
And continuously returning to a toxic relationship is like sipping a slow poison that taints every aspect of one's being. Like the insidious pull of drug or alcohol addictions, these relationships wield a baffling power. Many stand on the sidelines, wondering why women don't just "walk away." The truth is the grip of a toxic relationship is often tight, anchored in deep emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical ties.
“I think that we have to understand societally that, number one, we tend to thrive in the idea of the toxic relationship just in general,” said Dr. Donna Oriowo, LICSW, M. ED, CST.
Dr. Donna Oriowo
Photo courtesy of Dr. Donna Oriowo
“We don't exactly revere, support, or uplift people who have a good relationship with themselves. And we often think of relationships as being proprietary, so someone that you would own or someone who would own your body and soul,” she added.
Dr. Oriowo is a sex and relationship therapist in the Washington DC metro area and the owner of AnnodRight. She primarily works with African-American women on issues related to sexuality, relationships, self-esteem, colorism, and texturism. Dr. Oriowo sat down with xoNecole to help us understand the addiction to a toxic relationship and person and the reasons behind it.
Are You Addicted to the Person or Relationship, or Both?
According to Banyan Mental Health, people can experience an addiction to another person. Their presence becomes a powerful draw, an overwhelming attraction that dominates your thoughts and actions. It's a tumultuous mix of emotions, where peaks of joy are intertwined with the pain they deliver. The same individual causing the pain transforms into the source of relief, a distorted dependency masquerading as comfort.
“A person can fall into a pattern of familiarity and seek out the type of relationships that would give them that same level of familiarity, something that you're used to, not necessarily that you're addicted to but something that you know,” Dr. Oriowo shared.
Breaking free feels daunting, like severing an invisible thread that tethers you to an emotional rollercoaster, especially if a couple is in the honeymoon phase.
The honeymoon phase of a toxic relationship can be deceivingly enchanting. At the outset, everything seems picture-perfect: intense affection, deep conversations, and overwhelming attention paint a facade of ideal love. This period often masks the lurking issues, as the involved individuals are deeply engrossed in the intoxicating whirlwind of passion. However, beneath this rosy surface lies a foundation not of trust and mutual respect but of manipulation and control, which soon surfaces once the initial euphoria fades.
“The honeymoon phase feels so great and so good, and then you feel so connected and so loved and so seen that everything else feels like a hiccup,” she explained.
Dr. Oriowo continued, “A hiccup that is avoided if you do something different or if they do something different or if you try something different so you may want to try different things but the tension building and thus the explosions. They often are not lessening as they're often getting worse. But that means we tend to cling to the parts we like.”
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Thriving in the Chaos of a Toxic Relationship
The chaos of a toxic relationship exerts a compelling allure for some. This attraction is not about a love for dysfunction; rather, it's deeply intertwined with the dynamics of addiction.
For instance, some individuals cling to the sporadic positive moments. Amid the pervasive conflict and hurt, these rare episodes of affection or reconciliation act as a powerful anchor. The pursuit of these fleeting instances of happiness often justifies enduring extended periods of pain.
In a toxic relationship, sexual intimacy can often play a significant role in keeping individuals tethered. The incredibly intense or fulfilling physical connection can be misconstrued as a sign of genuine affection or deep emotional bonding. In the context of behavioral psychology, such intimate moments can indeed be considered "intermittent rewards." The individual may then endure prolonged periods of distress, holding onto the hope for the next rewarding intimate moment, mistaking it as a sign that the relationship is salvageable or improving. This cyclical pattern of highs and lows can make breaking free from a toxic relationship even more challenging.
“When we're having sex with someone else, certain chemicals are released in the brain that help us to feel intimate and close with that person. So, it can make you feel like all the world is good,” Dr. Oriowo revealed. “Emily Nagurski’s book ‘Come As You Are’ also talks about how people talk about how great the sex is. When there is a level of emotional disconnect or uncertainty, the sex can feel like a connecting factor, so the sex feels even like it is the best sex ever. And it is enough to keep you there and keep you going [forward] and keep you staying there even though the relationship in and of itself is actually not that great and certainly not good for you.”
Another instance that keeps a woman in a toxic relationship is self-esteem. A woman's self-esteem profoundly influences her choice of partners and the dynamics she may unconsciously gravitate towards. When a woman views herself through a lens of doubt or inadequacy, she may find herself drawn to partners who echo or amplify these sentiments, thinking that's what she "deserves."
“Self-esteem greatly impacts partner choice, and I am writing a book about this. Our self-esteem is informed by what we know about ourselves; thus, how we feel about what we know, right? When you know yourself and like yourself, you are more likely to seek out people who want to be in a relationship with you, which also mimics how you are in a relationship with yourself. You're looking for people to be in concert with you, not people who will be in opposition to you,” Dr. Oriowo said.
“Women with higher self-esteem are less likely to choose partners they do not want. They're more likely to speak up for themselves. They're more likely to exit relationships that feel like they don't meet their desires, their wants, their needs,” she added.
Dr. Oriowo also noted that “self-esteem is on a spectrum.”
“It’s not you have it, or you don't. You may level up how you feel about yourself, that the current relationships you hold are no longer feeding you in the way that you need for it to feel like a reciprocal relationship,” she added.
Over time, this tolerance for harmful behavior can entrench her further in detrimental relationship patterns, making it challenging to recognize or seek healthier dynamics.
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The Fear of Being Alone
The fear of being single is a powerful force that can bind a woman to a toxic relationship. In a society that often equates partnership with success, validation, or completeness, the idea of solitude can seem daunting. This fear and societal pressure might push a woman to cling to a harmful relationship, choosing the familiarity of toxicity over the uncertainty of being alone.
“Many women often are in communities where it is so-called better to be in any relationship than be single. And so, the tolerance level for toxicity in relationships is greatly increased. Just because we are thinking about it may be perfectly sanguine and acceptable to be in a toxic relationship,” she stated.
“But I would also like to note that it seems that we are turning a corner where more women are perfectly sanguine, especially Black women, who seem to be leading the charge in this. They're perfectly sanguine and happy to remain single. If it means that they will not be in a subpar relationship,” Dr. Oriowo explained.
In understanding the intricate web of addiction to toxic relationships, Dr. Oriowo unraveled layers of emotional complexity, deeply rooted fears, and societal pressures. Though marred with dysfunction, these relationships mirror our vulnerabilities and the lengths an individual might go to seek validation or avoid pain. Recognizing the patterns can be the first step toward seeking healthier connections, breaking the addictive cycle, and finding genuine stability.
As you navigate our relational world, it's essential to prioritize emotional well-being, self-worth, and genuine connection over-familiar yet damaging cycles. Only then can someone break free and pave the way for healthier, fulfilling relationships they deserve.
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Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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You'd Be Amazed How Much These 10 Essential Oils Can Give You Some Blissful Sleep
If you’re someone who has a sleep routine (or you’re seriously thinking about creating one), please make sure that you incorporate scent into it. Although things like a cooler temperature in your bedroom, incorporating nature sounds (like rain or ocean waves via a sound machine or even a YouTube channel) and even sipping on some tart cherry juice are proven ways to get you the quality of rest that you’re after, science says that your sense of smell shouldn’t be overlooked.
In fact, aromatherapy is quite powerful when it comes to promoting calm and relaxation, helping to put you into an optimistic mood, reducing stress, preventing insomnia, and improving how soundly you are able to sleep throughout the night. And so, since I’m such an essential oils fan (and I truly am!), let’s get into 10 that will help you to rest well — thanks to the way that they smell along with a few other benefits that they are able to offer you too.
Essential Oils for Better Sleep
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1. Lavender
When it comes to essential oils that are best for you in the “rest and relaxation department,” lavender may be the most popular one. That’s because it is well known for doing everything from reducing pain and inflammation and making menstrual cramps less intense to lowering anxiety and increasing your melatonin levels. On a super scientific note, something else that’s cool about lavender oil is it works with your body’s neurotransmitters in order to reduce restlessness if you happen to be someone who doesn’t sleep soundly due to tossing and turning all throughout the night.
2. Cedarwood
Although I’ve always liked the earthy scent of cedarwood, something that caused it to earn my respect was reading about how it’s an all-natural way to improve the attention span of children who’ve been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Beyond that, as far as calming oneself goes, cedarwood oil is able to soothe arthritic discomfort, reduce coughing (if a cold is what’s keeping you up), decrease the itchiness and irritation that comes with eczema, lower your stress levels, and, yes, improve your quality of sleep if you’re someone who happens to rest yet not really…rest well.
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3. Patchouli
Another oil that has a solid reputation for decreasing bodily inflammation is patchouli. Some other things that make it stellar are the facts that it helps to ward off depression-related symptoms (if that is what keeps you up at night), puts you in a better mood, boosts your immunity (so that being under the weather doesn’t prevent you from catching some zzz’s) and it even intensifies your libido — ‘cause chile, ain’t nothin’ like the sleep that you get after having an orgasm…or two. Oh, and it absolutely must go on record that patchouli oil also acts as a sedative if you’ve been dealing with insomnia as of late as well.
4. Marjoram
Women who are looking for an all-natural way to regulate their hormones (check out “5 Signs Your Estrogen Is Too High. 5 Signs It's Too Low.”) might want to speak with their doctor (or homeopath) about trying marjoram oil. Some research says that it can help to balance hormones which can make PMS and the latter stages of perimenopause more tolerable (which can make falling and staying asleep easier to do too). Marjoram is also helpful when it comes to reducing pain, easing digestion, and alleviating anxiety.
Plus, since marjoram is an oil that is high in magnesium and magnesium is a nutrient that can help you to get to sleep, stay asleep, and then wake up feeling refreshed — so long as you’re not pregnant or breastfeeding (you should consult your doctor first if you are because it can sometimes produce side effects in your case), you definitely should give marjoram a shot.
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5. Ylang Ylang
Typically, when I think of the essential oil ylang ylang, what comes to my mind is how it can make for a very eventful evening…if you catch my drift (check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm”); however, it can actually help you out in more areas of your life than just your bedroom. Ylang ylang is another oil that helps to reduce pain and anxiety. Something else to keep in mind about ylang ylang is if you’re having a hard time falling asleep due to something like a headache or even respiratory issues, putting a couple of drops into a diffuser could bring some relief. That’s because ylang ylang is also classified as being a sedative — one that can even help to lower the blood pressure in your bae (healthy men) if need be.
6. Fennel
As a doula, something that I’m well aware of is the fact that fennel seeds can help (some) mothers to produce more breast milk. It doesn’t stop there, though. If sleep is evading you due to gas or constipation, fennel oil can help you out there. Some scientific research also says that it’s the kind of oil that can help you feel less anxious if you’re trying to rest after a long hard day. And, since fennel is known for making sleeping better when it’s in tea form, I don’t see why it wouldn’t do the same thing as an essential oil too.
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7. Valerian Root
If you’re looking for the kind of essential oil that will help you to relax, on pretty much every level, look no further than valerian root. The properties in it are going to help to calm your nervous system, soothe headache tension, lower your stress levels, decrease menstrual cramp discomfort, bring relief to hot flashes (that come with perimenopause) and yes, it’s an all-natural approach to insomnia as well. Although many choose to use it in supplement form, applying valerian root oil to pressure points like your feet can also provide a very relaxing and impactful effect.
8. Jasmine
If you check out my article, “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last” from back in the day, you’ll see that jasmine is another essential oil that is considered to be a pretty potential one if you’re looking to boost you (or your partner’s libido). I get why too because its floral-meets-fruity scent can be quite sensual. Beyond the bedroom, jasmine can help you to feel less stressed and anxious, experience less menstrual-related discomfort, and make you feel less depressed — and yes, it contains properties that qualify the oil to be a sedative. This is especially the case if you blend it with another soothing essential oil like lavender.
9. Clary Sage
If pretty much nothing but perimenopause symptoms are what’s keeping you awake at night, you might want to keep a bottle of clary sage oil on your nightstand because it can help to decrease night sweats by naturally “leveling out” the estrogen that may be on a bit of a roller coaster ride in your system right through here. Other things that this oil can do is reduce stress and help to relax your system. Not to mention the fact that if menstrual cramps are what’s keeping you up, some women say that rubbing some of the oil (add a carrier oil like sweet almond or avocado to the oil to dilute it a bit, please) to your abdominal region can provide quite a bit of relief.
10. Vetiver
Final one. In my opinion, it’s kind of surprising that vetiver essential oil isn’t mentioned more in the holistic care space. For starters, it has been celebrated for providing support for children with ADHD as well as decreasing nervousness and anxiety in adults. Some other ways that this oil can benefit you is it’s the kind of aphrodisiac that raises testosterone levels while lowering cortisol ones (cortisol is a stress hormone that’s in your body) which can intensify orgasms and promote great rest — and yes, it’s also mentioned quite often in the sleep-inducing space.
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You know, I once read that since 2010, the amount of people who rely on sleeping pills to get to sleep has pretty much doubled. Since the side effects of the long-term use of over-the-counter sedatives include things like headaches, muscle weakness, digestion issues, and even louder snoring and sleeplessness, consider trying one of these essential oils before popping a pill. As you can see, not only can certain oils help to lull you to sleep — but they can help in so many other areas too. Happy resting, chile.
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