A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Gaslighting, Love Bombing & 5 Other Triggers To Call Out In Your Relationships.” A part of the reason why I did it is because I totally agree with an article that ran on TIME’s site earlier this year: “Gaslighting, Narcissist, and More Psychology Terms You're Misusing.” As a life coach, I can tell you that it can be super annoying (at times) to see folks just throw words around when it’s clear that they are just parroting what they heard someone else say.
An example? Narcissist. The more I watch people rant about how an ex in their life was a narcissist, the more I oftentimes see narcissism in that very individual. A narcissist is entitled. A narcissist has an inflated sense of self. A narcissist refuses to see someone else’s side of things, they constantly need attention and validation, and they don’t take criticism well. So no, someone isn’t a narcissist simply because things didn’t work out with you or they didn’t get on the same page as you as far as your relational expectations are concerned.
Okay, but that’s another discussion for another time. For now, what I want to talk about is another psychology term that gets worn out: toxic.
7 Signs You Have a Toxic Relationship With Yourself
While the dictionary defines it as something (or one) that is poisonous or harmful, in the world of mental health, toxic is about being an abusive type of individual — whether it’s mental, emotional, verbal, spiritual, relational, or otherwise. Someone is not toxic just because they don’t see eye to eye with you or their views differ from yours. “Toxic” is significantly detrimental to your overall health and well-being.
That said, can you have a toxic relationship with yourself? Absolutely. I’m about to share seven ways that it can manifest. And not from the casual TikTok angle either; these all can be significantly poisonous and extremely harmful if you don’t get a hold of them — even if doing so requires therapy. And sis, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. Good therapy is toxicity’s kryptonite.
Okay, so what are some signs that you truly have a toxic relationship…with you?
Signs You Have a Toxic Relationship With Yourself #1: You Don’t Hold Yourself Accountable
GiphyThe amount of people in my past world (including my own family) who were masters when it came to lacking personal accountability? LAWD. That’s why I make it my personal mission to hold my own self accountable. In fact, several people in my world say that I am almost too self-aware, if that’s possible (it’s possible; Aristotle once said that the excess of virtue is indeed a vice. Anything in the extreme is out of balance). I’m pretty sure that’s why I talk about it and write about it as much as possible (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”).
Personally, I find people who lack personal accountability to be dangerous to themselves and others. If you think I’m exaggerating, ponder how a lack of accountability operates. It doesn’t take responsibility for its actions. It deflects, excuses, and justifies wrong behavior. It plays the victim a lot. It finds a way to blame everyone in the world for what it does. It tends to be personally and professionally stagnant. It’s emotionally immature and superficial. Does that sound un-dangerous to you?
So, why do so many people struggle with self-accountability? If you grew up in a home where your parents, quite frankly, sucked at it, if you’re not used to people owning their stuff and apologizing to you, if you’re afraid to really deal with your areas of weakness — all of this could have a starring role. Whatever the case may be, no one can be a fully self-sufficient and thriving adult unless they are willing to take accountability for what they say and do. Folks who think otherwise — yes, on some level, they have some sort of toxic relationship with themselves.
Signs You Have a Toxic Relationship With Yourself #2: You Don’t Honor Your Boundaries
GiphyListen, as someone who knows what it’s like for someone to know my limits and then be like, “Girl, whatever. I’m gonna roll right over them” — I will forever be on-repeat when it comes to screaming from your rooftop and mine about how important it is to have clear and firm boundaries — not walls or barbed wire fences…boundaries. A boundary is a limit, and you have every right in the world to set the limits that you need in order to live out your life to the fullest.
So, why is this such a struggle for so many people? Fear is a huge reason. They might be scared that they will lose someone if they set a boundary. They might be afraid that other people’s boundaries in response to their own boundaries will change relational dynamics (sometimes it will, and that is okay). They might not want to deal with the consequences (or fallout) that come with setting boundaries.
When it comes to all of these, not doing what’s best for you because you’re fearful of how someone else will react? That simply isn’t a good enough reason because, as a boundaries-setting queen, I can promise you that the people who are healthy for you are going to honor your limits — and even honor you for having them.
You know, it really is true that people who are upset by another person’s boundaries are very oftentimes the ones who like to run over them or take advantage of the individual who set them in the first place. I don’t care if the boundary is with a friend, co-worker, romantic partner, or (please catch it) family member. People who respect others will get that a limit is set for that person’s own protection — and healthy people support those who do what will keep them safe and secure.
If you’re the one who keeps shifting your boundaries around to accommodate others…guess who the main culprit is when it comes to not protecting you? Yep…YOU.
Signs You Have a Toxic Relationship With Yourself #3: You’re Not Living Out Your Purpose
GiphyWhen you get a chance, please check out “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose” and “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose.” Y’all purpose is more than just important; PURPOSE IS PARAMOUNT because it literally means “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” This is why I am aggressively adamant in telling singles that if you don’t know your purpose or you are dating someone who doesn’t know theirs, the last thing that you need to be thinking about is marrying them. Why? It’s because two people need to know what they were put on this planet to do first so that they’re clear on who will best complement them.
And even beyond relationships, it’s critical to know what your purpose is. Personally, I believe that’s why a lot of people are dissatisfied with their life. I mean, how can you truly be fulfilled if you don’t know what your life mission truly consists of? And if you’re not intentional and in constant pursuit of answering that question, on many levels, that is indeed toxic — because to be here without knowing why, on some levels, is harmful to your well-being.
So, how can you know that you know what your purpose actually is? Something that I advise is if you can define your purpose in three words or phrases, almost immediately, you’re probably very clear. For instance, whenever folks ask me what mine consists of — marriage, sex, and the Sabbath are my purpose. They are all covenant principles and things that I am very passionate about. In many ways, they all work together, too. I pretty much breathe them. I write and teach on them daily. Money isn’t a huge factor on whether they will be a part of my life, for the rest of my life. And supernatural insights come to me about them (folks tell me that all of the time).
What about your life can you say those things about? Whatever “it” is, there’s a huge chance that it is directly tied to your purpose. And what if you have no clue? Check out these articles here, here, and here. They all contain questions that can help you to connect some dots.
In the meantime, never be comfortable with not knowing your purpose. To stay in that kind of space, knowing that it’s the literal reason for why you’re here? That is a toxic mindset. A billion times over.
Signs You Have a Toxic Relationship With Yourself #4: You Make an Olympic Sport Out of Self-Deprecation
GiphySomething that’s interesting about self-deprecation is that a lot of people think that it’s only about putting themselves down. Although that is a big part of it, self-deprecation actually has a few different layers. If you don’t know how to take compliments, that’s a manifestation of self-deprecation. If you let others take credit for the work that you’ve done, that’s a manifestation of self-deprecation. If you downplay yourself and what you bring to the table — any table — that’s a manifestation of self-deprecation. And that’s just for starters.
So, why do so many people struggle with it? If they weren’t affirmed much and/or if they received backhanded compliments throughout their childhood and adolescence, that could be one reason. Another could be if their religious experience defined humility in a very unhealthy way. Yeah, a lot of folks struggle with being humble to this day, and it’s because they think that it’s all about looking down on themselves when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Humility is actually being so strong in your self-worth that you don’t need to hog the spotlight, announce everything that you do for other people, or always be in a mindset of competition. Humble people don’t need to be jealous or envious. Humble people can help others win. Humble people are empathetic and compassionate because they know that life isn’t all or just about them.
That’s why Scripture says things like, “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted” (Luke 14:11 — NKJV) and “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV) If you were told something different, you could think that seeing yourself as “less than” or letting others treat you that way is being humble when really — it’s self-deprecating.
And surely you can see how problematic all of this is. How can it even remotely be healthy for you to speak poorly about yourself or to approach life as if you don’t hold enough value to be a relevant and necessary voice in this world? Yeah, you can’t have a healthy relationship with yourself if you don’t see yourself in a healthy way. Not sure how else to break down this one. If this is where you struggle most, make humility the goal; let self-deprecation…GO.
Signs You Have a Toxic Relationship With Yourself #5: With You, Everything Has a Negative Slant
GiphyOne of my closest friends, I call her “glass half full” and she calls me “glass half empty.” Both conclusions are accurate. She almost always sees things with a mega upswing while I’m over here being slightly cynical with no hesitation or apologies. For the most part, it’s because one of my spiritual gifts is discernment (if you are a Bible follower and you’ve never taken a spiritual gifts test before, a good one is right here), and in the world we live in, discernment (which literally means “acute judgment”) is becoming a lost art and is definitely on the endangered species list. Yet, I do have to make sure that I don’t let my natural negativity bias get in the way.
A negativity bias is something that all humans naturally have. In short, it’s an automatic inclination to look for the negative or worst-case scenario of things. However, just because it’s common, that doesn’t make it “right” or beneficial. There are plenty of articles in cyberspace that address how negativity infects your health, your brain, your productivity, your sleep patterns, and 1000 percent your relationships. Hmph. There’s one woman I know who, pretty much everyone who knows her, says that she’s completely draining to be around — and that’s because she always sees things in a negative light. It’s almost like she’s unhappy if anything positive is going on. It’s bizarre.
Listen, the reason why I shared what I did about myself and my discernment gift is that it’s one thing to be practical…realistic…aware; it’s another to be out in these streets always thinking that something is too good to be true; constantly believing that everyone has an angle or agenda; making mountains out of molehills; being more problem-than-solution focused; being hypercritical; being contrary…just to be contrary; being a chronic complainer; thinking that everything that doesn’t go your way is the worst thing to ever happen to you and/or not being open to seeing things differently (than in “darkness”). If you felt triggered reading all of that, could it be because it reflects how you see a lot of the world and/or yourself? If that is indeed the case, there’s no time like the present to become a more positive person.
Get around positive people. Become proactive about your health. Be careful about the content that you take in. Get a sense of humor. Do things for other people. Respect your words more. Practice gratitude.
The thing about being negative is it takes far more than it gives. Settling for that, on any level, is definitely a toxic way to live your life.
Signs You Have a Toxic Relationship With Yourself #6: Your Coping Mechanisms Are Unhealthy and/or Totally Counterproductive
GiphyIn short, anything that you do in order to manage the stress levels in your life is your coping mechanism (they are not to be confused with defense mechanisms, by the way; that’s another message for another time). By this definition, not all coping mechanisms are bad. For instance, if you meditate, unplug from social media, and go on solo dates — these are good tactics for dealing with life’s stressors.
On the other hand, if you’re a shopaholic or workaholic; you stay in unhealthy relationships (including friendships); you’re an emotional eater; you run to sex (this used to be one of mine); you sleep a lot (as a way of a mental or emotional escape); you abuse drugs or alcohol; you’re non-confrontational to your detriment (meaning, you keep letting people do and say whatever to you in order to “keep the peace”)…these are just some examples of having very unhealthy coping mechanisms — ones that are indeed toxic.
Right now, I have a friend who is realizing that she is a victim of narcissistic abuse. Her coping mechanism has been to choose men who love bomb her. It’s been a vicious cycle and, quite frankly, pretty painful to watch because, all of this time, she thought narcissism was confidence and love bombing was chivalry. Neither was the case — not by a long shot. So now…she’s in therapy trying to unlearn all of that mess. And what she’s also discovering is she hasn’t been “coping”; she’s been avoiding. For years, because all of this has been her pattern, she thought it would be easier to stay on the hamster wheel of dysfunction than to deal with some childhood traumas that are directly associated with why she does some of the things that she does.
And honestly, I think that’s why a lot of people remain in unhealthy or, at the very least, totally counterproductive coping mechanisms. They’ve built up such a tolerance to their habit of choice that they think it’s easier to remain with it than to get the help that they need to break free. And you know what? Even if the train of thought is understandable, that doesn’t make it any less — say it with me now — TOXIC. Bottom line, if you don’t deal with stress well and you seek out things that can exponentially make your life even more stress-filled (if not immediately, eventually)…that is toxic.
Signs You Have a Toxic Relationship With Yourself #7: Your Relationships Lack Reciprocity
GiphyAs we prepare to close this out, I think the easiest way to explain this one is, if you see your own self from a place of lack, not deserving much or having to prove your value, you will choose people who mirror all of that. I know this to be true because I used to be one of these people. Certain childhood issues definitely played a role (your own parents can raise you to become codependent if you can never do enough to please them or they are emotionally manipulative in order to control you). So did having some really poisonous female friends (bad female friends aren’t discussed enough, y’all). And so, I thought that my life was to consist of constantly overdoing for others and doing without in the process.
YES. THAT IS TOXIC.
When you do things for other people without getting anything in return, that is an act of service, a form of ministry, and that is fine. At the same time, when you give someone the title of being your friend (check out “Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'”) or a part of your tribe/circle, something that should automatically come with that is some freakin’ reciprocity. Yes, you should expect that they will be there for you, just like you are for them. Yes, you should expect that if you’re meeting needs, they are willing to do the same. Yes, you should expect that if you’re celebrating them, they should be celebrating you. Folks who try and tell you that you shouldn’t just expect but require this from your “people”? Watch out for those folks…they are the ones who will drain you dry, chile.
When you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself, you don’t get how much reciprocity should be a part of your world. Oh, but the healthier “you and you” become — it’s so easy to see a relationship for what it is and then shift if it’s not really…a relationship (feel me?). Hear me when I say that reciprocity is not a “bonus” in true relationships — it’s a given.
____
It’s the late Eartha Kitt who once said, “It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.” So true, so true. And now that some signs of a toxic self-relationship have been shared, the good news is you have the power to change it — all of it. You don’t have to wait on anyone else to feel good about you and do right by you.
And sis, there truly is no time like the present. Gift yourself with a toxicity detox. It’s time.
PAST TIME. Don’t you think?
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- How I Broke Free From A 7-Year Situationship That Wasn't Serving Me ›
- Are You Addicted To Toxic Relationships? ›
- What A Toxic Relationship Can Reveal To You About Yourself ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
We have less than 40 days left in 2024, and while I'm not one to rush goals just because it's the end of the year, it can be fun to challenge yourself to think about ways you'll close out this year big.
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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One thing about Black women: we gone switch that hair up. And it’s the holidays so we are also going to add some razzle-dazzle.
This guide offers a curated collection of holiday hair and beauty inspirations designed to celebrate the diversity and beauty of Black women, emphasizing elegance, versatility, and creative expression. Each style suggestion embraces natural textures, protective elements, and statement-making glamour, ensuring you shine brightly throughout the festivities.
Here's a roundup of holiday hair and glam ideas tailored for Black women, focusing on elegance, versatility, and creativity. Each style embraces natural textures, protective styling, and statement-making glam.
Holiday Hairstyle Ideas:
- Natural Hair: Embrace your natural curls, coils, and kinks with festive updos, twist-outs, braid-outs, or wash-and-go styles adorned with jeweled hair accessories, metallic headbands, or shimmering hair tinsel.
- Protective Styles: Opt for stylish and low-maintenance options like box braids, cornrows, Senegalese twists, faux locs, or crochet braids, incorporating festive elements like colored hair extensions, metallic cuffs, or decorative beads.
- Wigs & Weaves: Experiment with versatile and glamorous wigs and weaves in various textures, lengths, and colors, adding holiday flair with curls, waves, sleek styles, or statement-making hair accessories.
Holiday Glam Makeup Tips:
- Bold Lips: Make a statement with vibrant red, berry, or metallic lipstick shades that complement your skin tone and outfit.a
- Shimmering Eyes: Enhance your eyes with shimmering eyeshadows, metallic eyeliner, or glitter accents for a festive glow.
- Flawless Skin: Achieve a radiant complexion with a flawless foundation, subtle contouring, and a touch of highlighter.
- Statement Lashes: Accentuate your eyes with dramatic false lashes or a generous coat of mascara for added allure.
These suggestions are a starting point for your holiday hair and beauty journey. Feel free to personalize each look, experiment with different techniques, and express your unique style. The most important thing is to have fun and celebrate the magic that is you!
1. Stacked Bantu Knots
Raimonda Kulikauskiene/Getty Images
Hair:
- Bantu knots with loose, defined curls framing the face.
- Add gold or metallic hair cuffs for festive flair.
Glam:
- Glittery gold or copper eyeshadow.
- Bold red lip for a classic holiday vibe.
2. Sleek and Sophisticated
Ryan Destiny
Getty Images
Hair:
- Straight middle part or side part with layered waves and a high-gloss finish.
- Optional: Add crystal hair pins for extra sparkle.
Glam:
- Cat-eye liner paired with nude glossy lips.
- Soft bronzed cheeks for a warm glow.
3. Holiday Halo
Ciara
Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images
Hair:
- A textured halo braid with faux locs or braiding hair for volume.
- Decorate with small ornaments or pearls for a whimsical touch.
Glam:
- Smokey eye with silver shimmer accents.
- Dark berry lipstick for a bold statement.
4. Textured Top Knot
Ari Lennox
Gilbert Carrasquillo/Getty Images
Hair:
- High knot with natural texture or extensions for volume.
- Wrap the base with a velvet ribbon or festive scarf.
Glam:
- Metallic lids in emerald or sapphire shades.
- Subtle highlighter on cheekbones and nose.
5. Hollywood Waves
Jodie Turner-Smith
Amy Sussman/Getty Images
Hair:
- Classic finger waves or soft, voluminous curls for a vintage look.
- Use clip-ins or bundles for added length and fullness.
Glam:
- Winged eyeliner with lashes for drama.
- Crimson lipstick for timeless elegance.
6. Braided Beauty
Rihanna
Samir Hussein/WireImage
Hair:
- Fulani-inspired braids with gold beads or strings.
- Finish with a low bun or leave braids flowing.
Glam:
- Shimmery eyeshadow in gold or bronze.
- Glossy lips with a hint of sparkle.
7. Afro Chic
AJ Odudu
JB Lacroix/WireImage
Hair:
- Fluffed-out afro with metallic accessories.
- Secure with a decorative headband.
Glam:
- Dewy skin with a subtle blush.
- A soft pink lip for contrast.
8. Retro Glam Ponytail
Tia Mowry
Anna Webber/Getty Images
Hair:
- Sleek, high ponytail with flipped ends or added curls.
- Wrap the ponytail base with rhinestones or silk.
Glam:
- Bold eyeliner with graphic shapes.
- Matte lips in a deep plum shade.
9. Goddess Locs
Meagan Good
Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images
Hair:
- Bohemian-inspired locs with curly ends.
- Add holiday sparkle with silver or gold accents.
Glam:
- Bronzed eye makeup with a glossy finish.
- Warm nude lipstick with overlined edges.
Hair:
- Stranded twists styled into an intricate updo or bun.
- Secure with jeweled pins or barrettes.
Glam:
- Rose gold eyeshadow with natural lashes.
- Soft mauve lipstick for a delicate finish.
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