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Boy…oh boy…OH BOY. If there is one question that I really wish I could get to the source of who originally asked it — or more importantly, brought it back up — “ So, what do you bring to the table ?” would be in the top five…easily.
And look, it’s not even that I think it’s a bad question. It’s just that it’s become so distorted and even weaponized at this point to where I personally think people have lost sight of how it actually should be processed — and then addressed. I mean, just look at how triggering it is for some people:
@camerinj #stitch with @jadaamorr its a trick question ladies dnt fall 4 it
See what I mean? So anyway, since the question is clearly not going anywhere anytime soon (chile), I wanted to provide some perspective on it. A perspective that hopefully will make it feel like a genuine question — whether you’re asked it or you decide to ask someone else.
Let’s all take a seat at the table, shall we?
“I Am the Table!” Sounds Arrogant (and a Bit Delusional) AF. Here’s Why.
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C’mon. Is it a surprise to any of y’all that 50 percent of individuals say that social media has impacted their relationship in a pretty negative way? Hell, it shouldn’t. And honestly, the many ways that it does is an article all on its own. For now, I want to touch on one that gets overlooked more than it probably should: parroting.
What I mean by that is people who watch someone on TikTok or Instagram say something, it catches on and suddenly everyone thinks that it’s a profound statement. Case in point — when a lot of people are asked, “So, what do you bring to the table?” and the response is (usually quite rudely, I might add), “I AM THE TABLE!” I don’t know why anyone thinks that answer is sufficient or even remotely appealing.
I think we all get that the table is a metaphor for the relationship and trust me, the more you value your time, effort, and energy out in these dating streets, the more you want to know if someone is going to waste those things or not (more on that in a bit).
So, since the table is the relationship in this case, boldly declaring that you ARE the relationship only comes off as sounding entitled and selfish — and who wants to date someone like that? Besides, mimicking what you hear others saying (so damn much) is actually a bit of a cop-out. I mean, imagine asking a man what attributes he brings to a relational dynamic and all he simply says is “myself.” You see how off-putting that is?
In my opinion, social media has caused that question to be far more triggering than it actually should be. No one is “the table.” And anyone who believes that are far better off sitting at their table… alone.
Women Tend to Have Old Testament Scrolls While Men Have “Three Items or Less”
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Not too long ago, another relationship coach and I were discussing a similarity that we noticed when it came to what women look for in a man vs. what men look for in a woman. While many women will literally pull out a journal and read off their list for five minutes (LOL), guys tend to keep things very simple:
- Fit, friendly, feminine
- F — k us, feed us, need us
- Sex, sandwich, silence
And yet, when their wants are stated, oftentimes, they are pulled apart to shreds for it. Why is that? Why is there such a social conditioning that it’s okay for us to want the world and men should settle for next-to-nothing? Why are the three things that they oftentimes state really all that big of a deal?
At the end of the day, men and women are different (God made it that way and science cosigns on it all of the time), so our needs, wants and expectations are going to be too. A man who is expected to protect and provide is oftentimes going to want things that will fuel him in order to make that happen (like sex, nourishment, and some peace). Being asked if we can deliver that shouldn’t be something that stresses any of us out. If you are able to deliver that, cool. If not, that’s fine too. But don’t villainize them for asking.
And speaking of asking, when you get a chance, ask five of your male friends what they want a woman to bring to a long-term relationship and see if there are not only similarities but SIMPLICITY in their responses. If there is any part of you that is tempted to go on the defensive, ask yourself why. A relationship is supposed to be full of reciprocity . This means that both people should get what they need out of it…not just one. And if a man is willing to read your scroll (if you have one), you should at least entertain their three-point list. It’s only fair…right?
Wise People INVEST Not SPEND
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A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “ Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time? ” Listen, I am a firm believer that you can ABSOLUTELY waste your time with someone. That’s because I’m a word-literal person and I know that waste means “to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return; use to no avail or profit; squander.”
Giving. Without. Receiving. An. Adequate. Return. Is. A. Waste. Of. Your. Time.
This is why I’m all about coffee dates on the first date (why should he spend hundreds of dollars or you have to sit with him for two hours if one or both of you aren’t feeling any real chemistry or potential connection?) This is also why I don’t mind the “table question” coming up within the second or third date , especially since there are a significant amount of studies that say a lot of people have sex within the first month if not on the first date (check out “ How Many Dates Should You Wait to Have Sex? ”) — and believe me, once oxytocin has its way, it’s easy to throw all kinds of common sense and discernment out of the window.
Asking someone what they bring to the table , early on can help you see if they are a good fit for what you need at said table. If they aren’t, that’s not a slight on them or you (if you don’t meet their needs). It’s simply a way to make sure that you’re not spending who you are and what you have to offer on someone/something that’s already showing signs that it will never turn out to be a wise investment.
And just what’s the difference between spending and investing?
SPEND: to pass (time) in a particular manner, place, etc.; to use up, consume, or exhaust
INVEST: to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something; to furnish with power, authority, rank, etc.; to furnish or endow with a power, right, etc.; vest
If someone wanted you to invest in their business, you’d want to see some solid intel that would prove it to be a wise decision — a wise investment. Just giving away money and hoping for the best is how you can end up spending which has a huge chance of turning into wasting .
When it comes to relationships, asking what someone brings to the table and being asked the same thing in return basically means, “We both should invest wisely. Let’s discuss if that will be the case,” instead of assuming that time will eventually reveal these things once we are already…caught up in each other.
“Bringing” Means QUALIFIED
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Anytime I hear someone go on and on about what they deserve in a relationship, the definition of deserve is what immediately comes to mind. “Hmph. So, what you’re saying is you are QUALIFIED for what you want?”
Qualified: having the qualities, accomplishments, etc., that fit a person for some function, office, or the like.
I will forever die on the hill that a part of what it means to be entitled when it comes to relationships is someone expecting — or worse, demanding — what they themselves are not. For instance, folks will be out here talking about how they won’t settle for less than six figures when they are in five-figure debt while not even making half of that. Other folks will say that they deserve someone in great shape when they haven’t seen the inside of a gym in years.
And perhaps that’s part of the reason why some men and women struggle so much with being asked about what they bring to the table. It’s because it keeps them from being able to deflect from the question of if they are indeed qualified for what they are expecting themselves.
Another way to look at this is, why would it be stressful for someone to ask you what you bring to the table or what qualifies you to want the things that you do in the relationship if you have solid answers? And not a resume rundown either because a resume is for a job, not a relationship. If you feel like you deserve to have a long-term spouse and you know that you have qualities that fit the bill of that type of relationship , being asked what those are isn’t annoying — it’s your time to shine.
Qualified people are never afraid of being asked to show their qualifications. I’ll just leave it at that.
A Set Table Is a Prepared One
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Remember how much it used to suck to get a pop quiz when you didn’t do the reading that was already assigned? It’s almost like we tried to cop an attitude with the teacher because we were ill-prepared.
And that’s basically what a lack of self-accountability looks like and baby, it’s an epidemic out in these streets, just how many people are severely lacking in that area. When you know that you are a solid candidate for a long-term relationship, folks can ask away — matter of fact, you are almost thrilled to share what you’ve got to offer. Oh, but when you’re lacking, you’re unsure of yourself or you prefer to focus more on what they can do for you than what you can do for them…suddenly their making inquiries feels like a personal attack.
At the end of the day, tables look different in different homes based on personal preference and need. Same for relationships. So, while the “So, what do you bring to the table?” question doesn’t — and quite frankly, shouldn’t — have the same answer for everyone, let’s get away from acting like it’s the most offensive question on the planet…when really, it’s about as realistic and practical as they come.
Nothing’s wrong with being asked what you bring to the table…when you know what you’ve got to offer and that it’s something that’s mind-blowingly good.
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In a xoNecole exclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause , marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression , anxiety , like all of it, mental health challenges , all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry ’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy . If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures , and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood , her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff , which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You , which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Santia Barnes, known more commonly as @Trackbaby001 on Instagram, earned the highest-paid contract ever for a woman in American football. Also, she is the first female athlete to have her own shoe company. With a combined social audience of 3 million followers, she’s established herself as a mega-influencer in the health/fitness and lifestyle space. But surprisingly, in our 48-minute phone call, we only discussed this for roughly 60 seconds. Instead, I had a beautiful conversation with Santia and her husband Isaac, a successful tech entrepreneur , about their dream-like partnership.
His company was one of the fastest growing in his county for two years, and he is the only Black entrepreneur to win a federal aviation award for being a government contractor. Plus, he previously won a $13.4 billion contract with the Air Force and Space Force (cues, "he got money" in my best Quinta Brunson voice). But seriously, both of them have such an amazing story alone – yet they made it even better by finding each other. It almost sounds too good to be true, right? Well, Santia felt the same way. In fact, on their first date, they actually tried to disqualify each other. Here’s how it went.
Let’s start from the beginning. How did you two meet?
Isaac: Well, firstly, we connected through the divine grace of God. But we met on Bumble and talked there, and she gave me such a hard time (laughs). But we built a connection online and then took it offline to the phone and eventually in person. Since that meeting, we’ve been stuck like glue.
Santia: Yes, we met on Bumble. But I’ve gotta add to that. I was pretty much done with love, relationships, and especially online dating. But it was right around Valentine's Day, and I felt like God was telling me to try just one more time. So, I created my profile and made it very blunt; I was super clear about what I wanted. I started swiping for a few days and eventually came across his profile, and I noticed our profiles were very similar.
I felt like it was rare for a man to be that intentional. Also, I like that he was attractive and an entrepreneur. I felt like he could understand my life. It took him a couple of days to swipe back, though, and I was little in my feelings. I was literally going to delete the app when he DM’d me . So, it was really the grace of God.
Tell me about your first date. What was the chemistry like?
Isaac: She was late (laughs). But we went to Seasons 52, which made sense because I’m vegan, and she likes to eat healthy. So I made reservations, but again, she was late. Eventually, she got there, and when she did, I saw the entire room shift. It was the weirdest thing. I’ve never seen that in real life. It was like the whole restaurant was looking at us. So we got a table, and immediately, it felt like our energy flowed together so smoothly.
You know how first dates can be awkward? This was exactly the opposite. She grilled me, and I grilled her. We asked some of the deepest questions ever. It was like we were trying to disqualify each other. After dinner, I walked her back to her car because she was recently injured. And in that moment, God talked to me. I knew that this is what it is.
Santia: We talked for like three hours on that date. I remember in the conversation, I said, “Not to be weird, but your energy makes me feel very calm.” That was a big green flag for me. I also remember him walking me back to my car and not trying anything but genuinely just caring for my leg. I was like, this is different. It was an A+ date.
"We asked some of the deepest questions ever. It was like we were trying to disqualify each other. After dinner, I walked her back to her car because she was recently injured. And in that moment, God talked to me. I knew that this is what it is."
Photo courtesy of Santia and Issac Barnes
So, what are some of these intense disqualifying questions y’all asked?
Isaac: We asked everything. We talked about our thoughts on kids, marriage, church, gender roles , family, past relationships, and trauma.
Santia: Yeah, we asked everything they tell you not to. But that’s how I knew he was the one; he didn’t get uncomfortable.
Okay, so if you were still dating, walk me through that next step. What was that conversation like when you two decided to take it to the next level?
Isaac: I had a business trip I had to go to in Orlando, and because of my connection with the Creator I knew she needed to go on this trip with me. She was overcoming tearing her ACL and just needed a break. So we took a road trip together. We drove from Atlanta to Orlando in the car for 8 hours, and we just did the work. We got into childhood trauma and aspirations. It got deep –
Santia: Like, I cried. I discovered stuff about myself I haven’t talked about with anyone else.
Isaac: In that moment, I developed a deeper sense of trust in her because of her vulnerability . And after that trip, I just knew. She still had some concerns, but I was good (laughs).
Santia: Yeah, because I felt like something had to be wrong. Like, I remember calling my mom and she tried to help me just embrace it. Eventually, I actually asked him, “ What are we ?” And he literally said, “You’re going to be my wife.” And I still was like, are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend though, and he did – and I said yeah. (laughs). But that was only like a month in. It was very quick.
It seems like communication has been a core part of your relationship. What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourselves individually through loving each other?
Isaac: That’s hard to answer just for this week. A lot of our stuff is self-discovery. But I’ll say, I learned how skeptical I was that this is possible. Also, I learned that all of what I went through is crafting me to be who I am today. Through this relationship, I’ve learned to embrace my 100% authentic self. Her love matters more to me than anything else, and that’s my #1 priority.
So if she accepts me how I am, who is the world to tell me I can’t be this way? She has allowed me to see myself more than any other human, and because of that, I have to shower her with as much love as possible.
Santia: I don’t even know where to start. He’s taught me a lot since day one. He made me more confident in who I am. As an influencer, you don’t always know who is there for the right reasons. But he’s made me feel 100% more confident in standing on who I am. He’s also taught me so much about business. He taught me how to open up more, not feel shame in who I am, and how to set boundaries and stick to them.
And Issac has melted every fear, doubt, and insecurity I’ve had about relationships. I could keep going, but overall, he has a really amazing way of teaching me in a loving way. Having someone that sees and understands me – and not just the social media me – but Santia Barnes, the individual, has been beautiful, and I’ve never experienced it until now.
"Issac has melted every fear, doubt, and insecurity I’ve had about relationships. Having someone that sees and understands me – and not just the social media me – but Santia Barnes, the individual, has been beautiful, and I’ve never experienced it until now."
Photo courtesy of Santia and Issac Barnes
How do you guys navigate past struggles, baggage to work toward your relationships?
Issac: On our honeymoon, I vowed that I would come into this relationship with a clear understanding of what’s holding me back so I can be my best self going through our marriage. For example, on our first day over there, we both wrote down all of the negative anchor thoughts we had around money and finances, and we literally went through every thought.
I found 50 financial aspirations, and every time I read something that I didn’t agree with, I wrote it down. And we talked about where these negative thoughts came from, going back to childhood.
Santia: We do that all the time. If anything comes up, we talk about it, try to get to the core of it, dissect it, and we solve it.
Okay, seriously do ya’ll argue at all (laughs)?
Santia: I mean, if we feel something, we say it.
Isaac : The way we got there is that we established early on that if we’re going to do this we have to be on the same team. We have a championship we’re trying to win, and that’s a family legacy . If something is going on, I’m gonna treat it like my teammate is going through it, and we’ll work through it. But it’s impossible not to have any challenges.
Santia: We don’t have to yell, scream, or be disrespectful though. We can talk in a calm voice and disagree. As long as we know that we’re on the same team, we’re good. I always know we’re not purposely trying to hurt each other, and I know that he's my partner. Looking at it from that lens changes things. We’ve only had two real arguments . It was early on, and when we dissected those too, we realized that back then, we didn’t know each other the way we do now. We weren’t sure we were on the same team (laughs).
Do you guys have any rituals or daily practices that help keep your relationship strong?
Isaac: To cement our process, we listen to our spiritual practice. We practice Sabbath every Friday evening until Saturday evening. So that means no work, no outside communication, we’re just in each other’s skin for 24 hours and experience the world together. Then we recap our week, things we’re grateful for from each other and from God, things that bother us, and then we process it right there. We do that every week.
Santia: We also go over a Bible verse and dissect it together. We have a lot of processes because when you have a plan, you can’t really fail.
Isaac: And the Bible verse always relates. It’s crazy. (laughs)
Photo courtesy of Santia and Issac Barnes
What are your love languages?
Santia: Mine is acts of service, gifts, and words of affirmation
Isaac: Mine is physical touch, acts of service, and words of affirmation.
Are there any challenges you guys had to work through?
Santia: This is my first time living with a man. So things that guys do – like not flushing the toilet, putting dishes in the sink when I’m washing the dishes, and stuff. Honestly. I was really scared about that because I love my space. But surprisingly, I adjusted very quickly. We both work from home and have our own offices, too. So it just kinda works out.
Isaac: For me, it was going from being a single man to adjusting to her needs. For example, she likes flowers. To me, that meant I occasionally bought her flowers. But to her, that means, nah, I want them multiple times a month. Date nights meant occasionally to me; she wants them weekly. It’s just about making sure our needs and expectations are articulated correctly. We come from different worlds, so it’s important to do that.
Finally, I’ll close with how did you know it was love?
Santia: We took a trip to NOLA – another road trip. I cried again and just remembered thinking there’s no one like him. I was like, God, if he’s not my person, this is a cruel joke. But more blatantly, like three months into us dating, I was so conflicted because I was like, I’m falling, and I don’t want to be hurt again.
I remember I had a dream where I was in this dark room and there was this figure there, and I knew it was God, and in that dream, I feel like he told me clear as day that Isaac was my person. Plus, my Mom hates everyone I’ve ever dated, but she was like he’s gonna be my son-in-law. I had so many confirmations that I eventually just let go.
Isaac: It was multiple moments. I really got confirmation on the first date , but I became sure in one moment. I was sitting in my office, and she came in, and we were talking about her making history. So I started showing her some of my awards, too, and at that point, she still didn’t know what I did. And she was like, why don’t people know about this, and I showed her my Facebook page – where I had made a small post with a few likes (laughs). And she was like, do you know how many young Black children don’t know this is possible? It was different.
I felt like a hypocrite because I do everything for the next generation. So, she allowed me to see myself in that totality and still hold me accountable. The only person who had done that for me was my Dad and [he] passed away a few days before my 18th birthday. So after that, that did it for me. Then we went to the DR for my brother's anniversary, and she met my family and I saw how well she blended with my family, and I just knew.
Santia and Isaac are continuing to grow their individual businesses and love journey. Through that process, they have created an intentional dating platform on Instagram called @dateintentional1 .
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Featured image courtesy of Santia and Issac Barnes
