
No, You Shouldn't Be Triggered By The "What Do You Bring To The Table?" Question.

Boy…oh boy…OH BOY. If there is one question that I really wish I could get to the source of who originally asked it — or more importantly, brought it back up — “So, what do you bring to the table?” would be in the top five…easily.
And look, it’s not even that I think it’s a bad question. It’s just that it’s become so distorted and even weaponized at this point to where I personally think people have lost sight of how it actually should be processed — and then addressed. I mean, just look at how triggering it is for some people:
@camerinj #stitch with @jadaamorr its a trick question ladies dnt fall 4 it
See what I mean? So anyway, since the question is clearly not going anywhere anytime soon (chile), I wanted to provide some perspective on it. A perspective that hopefully will make it feel like a genuine question — whether you’re asked it or you decide to ask someone else.
Let’s all take a seat at the table, shall we?
“I Am the Table!” Sounds Arrogant (and a Bit Delusional) AF. Here’s Why.
C’mon. Is it a surprise to any of y’all that 50 percent of individuals say that social media has impacted their relationship in a pretty negative way? Hell, it shouldn’t. And honestly, the many ways that it does is an article all on its own. For now, I want to touch on one that gets overlooked more than it probably should: parroting.
What I mean by that is people who watch someone on TikTok or Instagram say something, it catches on and suddenly everyone thinks that it’s a profound statement. Case in point — when a lot of people are asked, “So, what do you bring to the table?” and the response is (usually quite rudely, I might add), “I AM THE TABLE!” I don’t know why anyone thinks that answer is sufficient or even remotely appealing.
I think we all get that the table is a metaphor for the relationship and trust me, the more you value your time, effort, and energy out in these dating streets, the more you want to know if someone is going to waste those things or not (more on that in a bit).
So, since the table is the relationship in this case, boldly declaring that you ARE the relationship only comes off as sounding entitled and selfish — and who wants to date someone like that? Besides, mimicking what you hear others saying (so damn much) is actually a bit of a cop-out. I mean, imagine asking a man what attributes he brings to a relational dynamic and all he simply says is “myself.” You see how off-putting that is?
In my opinion, social media has caused that question to be far more triggering than it actually should be. No one is “the table.” And anyone who believes that are far better off sitting at their table…alone.
Women Tend to Have Old Testament Scrolls While Men Have “Three Items or Less”
Not too long ago, another relationship coach and I were discussing a similarity that we noticed when it came to what women look for in a man vs. what men look for in a woman. While many women will literally pull out a journal and read off their list for five minutes (LOL), guys tend to keep things very simple:
- Fit, friendly, feminine
- F — k us, feed us, need us
- Sex, sandwich, silence
And yet, when their wants are stated, oftentimes, they are pulled apart to shreds for it. Why is that? Why is there such a social conditioning that it’s okay for us to want the world and men should settle for next-to-nothing? Why are the three things that they oftentimes state really all that big of a deal?
At the end of the day, men and women are different (God made it that way and science cosigns on it all of the time), so our needs, wants and expectations are going to be too. A man who is expected to protect and provide is oftentimes going to want things that will fuel him in order to make that happen (like sex, nourishment, and some peace). Being asked if we can deliver that shouldn’t be something that stresses any of us out. If you are able to deliver that, cool. If not, that’s fine too. But don’t villainize them for asking.
And speaking of asking, when you get a chance, ask five of your male friends what they want a woman to bring to a long-term relationship and see if there are not only similarities but SIMPLICITY in their responses. If there is any part of you that is tempted to go on the defensive, ask yourself why. A relationship is supposed to be full of reciprocity. This means that both people should get what they need out of it…not just one. And if a man is willing to read your scroll (if you have one), you should at least entertain their three-point list. It’s only fair…right?
Wise People INVEST Not SPEND
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?” Listen, I am a firm believer that you can ABSOLUTELY waste your time with someone. That’s because I’m a word-literal person and I know that waste means “to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return; use to no avail or profit; squander.”
Giving. Without. Receiving. An. Adequate. Return. Is. A. Waste. Of. Your. Time.
This is why I’m all about coffee dates on the first date (why should he spend hundreds of dollars or you have to sit with him for two hours if one or both of you aren’t feeling any real chemistry or potential connection?) This is also why I don’t mind the “table question” coming up within the second or third date, especially since there are a significant amount of studies that say a lot of people have sex within the first month if not on the first date (check out “How Many Dates Should You Wait to Have Sex?”) — and believe me, once oxytocin has its way, it’s easy to throw all kinds of common sense and discernment out of the window.
Asking someone what they bring to the table, early on can help you see if they are a good fit for what you need at said table. If they aren’t, that’s not a slight on them or you (if you don’t meet their needs). It’s simply a way to make sure that you’re not spending who you are and what you have to offer on someone/something that’s already showing signs that it will never turn out to be a wise investment.
And just what’s the difference between spending and investing?
SPEND: to pass (time) in a particular manner, place, etc.; to use up, consume, or exhaust
INVEST: to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something; to furnish with power, authority, rank, etc.; to furnish or endow with a power, right, etc.; vest
If someone wanted you to invest in their business, you’d want to see some solid intel that would prove it to be a wise decision — a wise investment. Just giving away money and hoping for the best is how you can end up spending which has a huge chance of turning into wasting.
When it comes to relationships, asking what someone brings to the table and being asked the same thing in return basically means, “We both should invest wisely. Let’s discuss if that will be the case,” instead of assuming that time will eventually reveal these things once we are already…caught up in each other.
“Bringing” Means QUALIFIED
Anytime I hear someone go on and on about what they deserve in a relationship, the definition of deserve is what immediately comes to mind. “Hmph. So, what you’re saying is you are QUALIFIED for what you want?”
Qualified: having the qualities, accomplishments, etc., that fit a person for some function, office, or the like.
I will forever die on the hill that a part of what it means to be entitled when it comes to relationships is someone expecting — or worse, demanding — what they themselves are not. For instance, folks will be out here talking about how they won’t settle for less than six figures when they are in five-figure debt while not even making half of that. Other folks will say that they deserve someone in great shape when they haven’t seen the inside of a gym in years.
And perhaps that’s part of the reason why some men and women struggle so much with being asked about what they bring to the table. It’s because it keeps them from being able to deflect from the question of if they are indeed qualified for what they are expecting themselves.
Another way to look at this is, why would it be stressful for someone to ask you what you bring to the table or what qualifies you to want the things that you do in the relationship if you have solid answers? And not a resume rundown either because a resume is for a job, not a relationship. If you feel like you deserve to have a long-term spouse and you know that you have qualities that fit the bill of that type of relationship, being asked what those are isn’t annoying — it’s your time to shine.
Qualified people are never afraid of being asked to show their qualifications. I’ll just leave it at that.
A Set Table Is a Prepared One
Remember how much it used to suck to get a pop quiz when you didn’t do the reading that was already assigned? It’s almost like we tried to cop an attitude with the teacher because we were ill-prepared.
And that’s basically what a lack of self-accountability looks like and baby, it’s an epidemic out in these streets, just how many people are severely lacking in that area. When you know that you are a solid candidate for a long-term relationship, folks can ask away — matter of fact, you are almost thrilled to share what you’ve got to offer. Oh, but when you’re lacking, you’re unsure of yourself or you prefer to focus more on what they can do for you than what you can do for them…suddenly their making inquiries feels like a personal attack.
At the end of the day, tables look different in different homes based on personal preference and need. Same for relationships. So, while the “So, what do you bring to the table?” question doesn’t — and quite frankly, shouldn’t — have the same answer for everyone, let’s get away from acting like it’s the most offensive question on the planet…when really, it’s about as realistic and practical as they come.
Nothing’s wrong with being asked what you bring to the table…when you know what you’ve got to offer and that it’s something that’s mind-blowingly good.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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Be Careful. Those Casual Friendships Can Be Red Flags Too.
A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to someone vent about an area of frustration that they couldn’t seem to get to the root of — why they keep getting taken advantage of by certain individuals. When you’ve been a life coach for as long as I have (and you were a journalist before that), you learn how to ask certain questions that can cause people to consider things that they may never have before.
So, when I asked her, “What is the common thread with all of those folks? And sit still for two minutes before answering,” when she finally heard her own self speak, her eyes got wide and her mouth dropped open: “They’re all people who I’m not really sure what they are in my life.”
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
There’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
A couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
I’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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