10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend
I already know. Some of y'all read the title of this piece and thought, "How in the world can anyone get to the point where they end up with a close friend who is also toxic?" Good question. I think a great example of how this can go down is the movie Something Borrowed (Ginnifer Goodwin, Kate Hudson). If you've never seen it before, it's really easy to catch because, just like BET plays Baby Boy incessantly, E! plays Something Borrowed all…of…the…time. (Sidenote—I wonder how much Taraji and Tyrese get paid every time Baby Boy airs. I recently read that the cast of Friends makes $20 million annually just on reruns alone!)
Anyway, the reason why the movie is relevant to this post is because it's about two BFFs—Darcy (played by Kate) and Rachel (played by Ginnifer). And yes, while it is a rom-com, it is also the perfect depiction of what it's like to be in a very close friendship that is anything but healthy for you. It also shows why sometimes, you need to make the oh so difficult decision to bring the relationship to a close (or at least give the bestie a demotion).
If you're not interested in watching the film or this has somehow piqued your curiosity to the point that you want to know some of the red flags to look out for right at this very moment, I've got 10 of 'em. Ten strong signs that, no matter how much you love someone, know someone or are attached to someone, it really is time to consider moving them out of the "close friend" category, so that some true friends can fill up that spot.
1. They’re Self-Absorbed.
I say it often because it's true. Unfortunately, a lot of people in this world don't want friends; they want fans. One way to detect this type of individual is to pay attention to the folks who constantly make everything about them. You call to tell them something and they turn the focus onto what they have going on. You're going through a hard time and they find a story about their life that sounds worse. Or worse, you're experiencing a great moment and they somehow find a way to one-up you. Why do they do these types of things? It's so that you will put your focus totally onto them because they feel like, of the two, they are more important—and relevant.
Be careful getting too close to a person like this. Chances are, if you're not always on the rah-rah tip with them, they will desert you—oftentimes without warning—in order to find someone who will be.
2. They’re Manipulative.
I remember a former married couple who was absolutely exhausting. The reason was because the wife, hands down, is one of the most manipulative people that I have ever met in my entire life. What really tripped me out about her is, whenever I brought that fact to her attention, it would trigger her. I could call her out for lying, cheating and sneaking to get credit cards that her husband knew absolutely nothing about (none of that is hypothetical, by the way) and she could roll with it. Oh, but tell a sistah she's got a manipulative spirit and she's about ready to fight. And you know what? I have learned that "hit dog will holler" rings true when it comes to manipulation. Folks can't stand to be told that they are because manipulative is such an ugly thing to be.
How can you know for sure if someone in your world is manipulative? Do you have a friend who likes to control you by playing the victim or guilt-tripping you? When they do something wrong or shady and you bring it to their attention, do they deflect by changing the subject? Do they try and pressure you into doing things that you don't want to do (especially if it's for them)? Maybe they come at you in ways that cause you to doubt yourself or undermine your confidence level?
Manipulative people are some of the most cryptic individuals because, when you're around them, although you know that something isn't quite right, sometimes, until you're reading an article like this one, you're not exactly sure what that something is. Now that you know, what do you plan to do about it?
3. They’re Never Wrong.
I don't trust people who don't have anything to regret. I also don't trust folks who can never admit when they are wrong and/or apologize. On the regret tip, I feel like it's dangerous to never have or show remorse for your actions (you can read more about that here). As far as not admitting when you're wrong or refusing to apologize, I mean, how arrogant can you be to not want to humble yourself in that way?
I once read an article about why it's so hard for some people to acknowledge their errors or apologize when they make a mistake (or a poor choice because those are not always one and the same). According to the author, some of the reasons are because some people don't know how to separate their error from their character (meaning, they feel like if they say "I apologize", it means they are saying that they are a "sorry individual") or that it lets the other individual totally off the hook for what they might need to own in the situation.
To me, admitting that I'm wrong helps me to grow and apologizing restores peace to my relationships. People who don't care about either of these? How can you have a healthy relationship with them if they don't want to evolve or they don't want to make sure that you're good after they've offended, hurt or harmed you? Exactly.
4. They’re Competitors and Copiers.
Once upon a time, I had a "friend" who was slick envious. But because of the low self-esteem that I had at the time, I didn't notice. How did I come to realize that she was that way? For one thing, other people told me that (yeah, sometimes your other friends can hip you to whether or not someone is toxic). Other than that, if I shared an idea with her, sometimes she would say that she recently had a similar brainstorm (hmm…). Or, if I tried an "off color" of lipstick, a few weeks later, I'd see her with it. Whenever I hit a milestone that I wanted to celebrate, she was always too busy to come. Or, if someone complimented me in their presence, they'd find a way to backhand it or discredit it.
Toxic people don't know how to let someone else bask in their individuality and progress. So, if you've got a friend who fits the bill of everything that I just said, just know that their hater-isms aren't "just how they are". They envy you and nothing good can ultimately come from constantly taking in that kind of energy.
5. They’re Shady Outside of Your Presence.
Look, even an enemy can smile in your face. That's why, the older that I get, the more that I define loyalty and trustworthiness by how my friends act whenever I'm not around. If you're a true friend, it shouldn't matter what someone says about me when they're in your presence. If it's gossipy or not true (sometimes gossip is true, it's just not anyone's business; that's why I separated it from "not true"), you shouldn't want to listen to it—this includes giving the kind of body language that shows you're interested in hearing more. Shoot, if you're a bestie, you should take it a step further and shut the conversation all the way down.
The word "friend" should be synonymous with the word "advocate". Advocate literally means "to speak in favor of". If you can't say, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that your close friends have your back, both in and outside of your presence, are you sure they are truly your friends? Are they really?
6. They Don’t Respect or Honor the “Codes”.
Whenever I come across articles with questions like "Is it OK to date your friend's ex?", I'm like, "Why does this require 500 words or more to come up with the answer?" It's a hard "no" for me. Ugh. And eww. I've got some friends with some okay-looking boyfriends or husbands, but that's just it—because they are with my friend, I can't get past seeing their men like I would a cute second cousin at a family reunion. They are with my friend. They've been intimate with my friend. Whether they know it or not, my friend has told me some things that make me impressed that they are with them. So yeah, even if my friend breaks up with their man, I'll pass.
All of this reminds me of a convo I had with a bestie. As we were discussing a shirt that I used to own that connected people to their sex partners by way of proxy to illustrate how easily HIV can spread, I said to her, "If that shirt is true, we've technically slept together." Her ex and my ex have dated the same woman; slept with her too. See my point?
My friend and I can't control that. But I can certainly control messing with the man she has now—both in the present and future.
So yeah, if you're not sure that your friend thinks along these same lines or that they wouldn't dishonor any other friend loyalty codes that you may have, that's something else to pay close attention to. A code-breaker is one of the worst things that a so-called friend can be. On so many levels and for so many reasons.
7. They Don’t Really Care About Your Feelings.
Semi-recently, I had a conversation with a guy friend about something he did that really hurt my feelings. Just to paint a clear picture, not only did he do something to hurt me, but when I conveyed how it made me feel, he ghosted. For months. As I shared with him just how devastated I was, he went on to talk about how, while he didn't want to hurt me, he didn't know how to handle the situation and so he figured that silence was best; not for my sake but his own. Do you know what that boils down to? Ole' boy didn't really care about my feelings. And you know what? A lot of people have friends—close friends—who are a lot like him.
If you've got someone in your life who isn't empathetic or compassionate, who doesn't provide a listening ear or shoulder to cry on when you need it, who doesn't try and be there for you when you're hurting (whether it's because of something they did or life did, in general)—they are showing that they are emotionally detached from you. How can relationship be real or lasting without a true intimate connection? Without both individuals caring about how the other truly feels and showing that by showing up?
8. They Take Way More Than They Give.
I've shared before that I once had a "friend" who, in the entire almost two decades of being friends with her, I can only recall one thing that she ever gave me. It was a five-dollar ring. Me, on the other hand? You never know who's reading this stuff, so I won't get into specifics. Let's just say that I spent thousands of dollars easily. I mean, I can think of one gift alone that was close to that.
You probably read that and focused more on how much I spent vs. how little she did. I get it. But here's the thing—most of my inner circle are pretty big givers; not all of the time, but when we're inspired to do something super special for one another, it's a done deal. And yes, sometimes the price tag is way more than $39.95.
Besides, my issue with this particular person isn't that she didn't give as much as I did; it's that she didn't really give at all. Oh, but she was always ready to take. Toxic people tend to do that. They're selfish. They're opportunistic as well. What it all boils down to is, so long as you're meeting their needs, at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to them. That's not how a true friendship works. Not by a long shot.
9. They Are Always in Some Sort of Drama.
Always in a mood. Constantly falling out with someone. Overreacting to every darn thing. Needing to be the center of attention—online and off—all of the time. Making mountains out of molehills. Addicted to gossip. Super picky. Easily stressed. Mad controlling. DRAINING. This is what it's like to be a drama queen or king. If you read all of that and was exhausted, chances are, someone in your life is one. And drama? It is the textbook definition of toxic.
So, why do so many of us stay clique-tight with people who are dramatic? Not too get super deep and psychological, but I personally think that it has something to do with our childhoods. If our parents or other relatives were like this, we're probably used to it. That's the bad news. The good news is, now that you're grown, you can choose who you want to be around. Do you really want to choose drama? (Don't answer right away. Allow that to sink in for a bit.)
10. They Keep You Around Solely for Their Benefit.
You've got a great career. You have impressive resources and connections. You've got a big heart. You're unbelievably supportive and loyal. You're long-suffering (you're the kind of individual who can put up with a lot). Who wouldn't want to have someone like this in their corner?
You know the saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemy closer"? A toxic person even feels this way about their friends. They don't keep people close out of love, respect and appreciation. They keep them close because their friend has something (or many things) that they want. In other words, they're a user. You deserve so much better than that.
Whew. Now that all of that has been brought out into the open, I will say that since none of us are perfect, you may have some close friends with one or two of these issues. But if your eyes got big to more than half, you may think that that person is your close friend but really they are someone you need to distance yourself from, quick, fast and in a hurry. Because being close to you is a privilege and if someone is toxic, they are taking advantage of that. They are slowly chipping away at you too. You deserve a true close friend. Baby, if yours fit this list, they are so…not…it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Should You Take An Ex-Friend Back?
10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships
I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend
According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images