I'm not a parent, but I have oodles of love nieces and two goddaughters. If there's one thing that I make sure that they all hear, on repeat, it's "A bad girlfriend can do far worse to you than a bad boyfriend ever will." Oh, believe you me, I'm speaking from up close and very personal experience. My first female childhood friend was evil. Pure evil. There's no time to get into just how much I am using "evil" literally, but let's just say that by the time I actually removed her from my life, she had done such a number on my self-esteem that it has taken years to heal some of the cracks that she put in my foundation as it relates to self-image, men, boundary-setting, family dynamics (what I should and should not tolerate) and even children (long story; my first book breaks it all down though). But if there is a silver lining to all of her toxicity (and a few others along the way), it's the fact that I now know what a friend is.
All of this reminds me of someone I know who used to get really irritated with me—and rightfully so—whenever I would refer to a boyfriend as "my husband". I can't tell you how many times she would say, "Shellie, I earned the right to call my man that. You have not." She's right. She earned it because she was actually married.
Same thing—albeit in a slightly different way—goes for "friend". It's also a sacred word; something that should not just be tossed out there simply because you and someone else like the same things or agree on some of the same issues.
Give life a little bit of time and it will teach you that friendship is a big responsibility and a huge calling.
So, before you bestow someone with that blessed title, please make sure that they check off all of the following boxes—and that you've done the same thing for them—first.
Watch How They Handle Private Information
Mama used to say, "If they gossip to you, they will gossip about you." In the day and age where people seem to thrive off of salaciousness, I'm not sure if that's 100 percent true because almost everyone talks about somebody's business on a daily basis (celebrities are people too, y'all). But what I will say is if someone is bringing information to you that, if you were the one that they were talking about, you would feel some type of way, that is a bit of a red flag. Also, be cautious of someone who wants to know all of your business but is vague as hell when it comes to their own (not only nosey but controlling and manipulative folks tend to be wired that way). One more thing—if something that you share with them comes back to you, don't simply take on the "Next time, I'll simply tell them not to say anything" approach. We're all adults here, so people with a good sense of judgment—and respect for privacy—should know what should be repeated and what shouldn't.
A good friend is a safe space to share information. Before you decide to call anyone a friend, make sure that you can say that about them without any doubt—or evidence to the contrary—in your mind.
Go Through Some Difficult Times First
I missed the whole Teen Moms series on MTV. But what does pull me in from time to time is Unexpected on TLC (whew…these babies having babies can really tug at you). An episode that I recently saw featured a five-generation teen mom (let that sink in) who used to be popular at her high school; that is until she got pregnant. Although she had hoped that her friends would show up for her at her baby shower, they did not. In response, she said, "These are the times when you really get to see who your friends are." Indeed.
It's very easy to be "friends" with someone when everything is on the upswing in our lives. It's when we lose our job, go through a heartbreak or need a few dollars, that you really get to see who's truly got your back. That's why it's imperative that you hold off on calling anyone your friend until you see how supportive, encouraging and available they are during a challenging moment or trying season in your world. Johnny Gill used to sing about fair-weathered friends and they definitely exist more than the solid ones do. That's why you need to give some time to go through some stuff with them, in order to see how they handle it all…first.
See How They Respond/React to Your Triumphs
We recently published a feature on that fine man Thomas Q. Jones. When I thought about this particular point, the visual for LeToya Luckett's "Back 2 Life" song came to mind. If you've never seen it before (or it's been a while), Thomas plays her love interest. He also has a female BFF who he even shares a birthday with. He's super excited for LeToya to meet his bestie, so they decide to meet at a restaurant. All good, right? Uh-uh, check out his friend Cynthia's energy at the 2:40 mark. Ain't nothin' about that woman happy that her friend is in a relationship.
I was just telling someone not too long ago that something that used to get me into trouble was not properly discerning opportunists in my space. Be careful because some people are "friends" with you because they want the perks of being in your personal space. But if they can't be genuinely happy (emphasis on "genuine") for you, even if they don't reap any benefits from your success or resources, this is another flag that should not be ignored.
A good and true friend is thrilled for your come-ups—personally and professionally. There's no subtext or envy or manipulative tactics that ever cross their mind.
Make Sure They Honor Your Boundaries
Boundaries are limits and yes, even friendships should have them. What should platonic boundaries look like? Your friends should honor your time. Your friends should respect your nos. Your friends should back off when you tell them that they are pushing too much or going too far. Your friends should honor "codes" (whatever codes the both of you agree to). Your friends should not try and monopolize your other relationships. Your friends should not be abusive in any way. Your friends should give you space when and as you need it.
One of the reasons why a lot of friends are of the past is because one or both people did not respect each other's boundaries. You're gonna be in for a very messy and ugly journey if you decide to make someone your friend without putting some boundaries in place. You're also gonna be in a world of hurt if you're not intentional about readjusting yourself in regards to them, the moment that they continuously disregard them.
Process How Humble, Patient and Compassionate They Are
For years, a lot of the people in my world were pretty narcissistic. That's why, these days, humility is paramount in my relationships. I strive to be that way and I only feel comfortable around those who put forth the concerted effort to do the same. Humble people listen well. Humble people apologize when they are wrong. Humble people are kind and have no problem putting others before them. Humble people value their relationships. Humble people also don't humble brag or talk about how humble they are.
Two other qualities that I look for—no, require—are patience and compassion. Patient people know that no one is perfect, including themselves, so they are willing to rock with the individuals in their lives as they grow and evolve. As far as compassion goes, "compassion" literally means that when you see that someone is suffering, you want to do what you can to alleviate it. The circle I have now? I can't tell you one time that I've been in need and someone in it hasn't been there to help—no tab-keeping or questions asked. I am intentional about being that same way towards them too.
Because really, if you can't expect humility, patience and compassion from the people who are closest to you, who can you expect it from?
Ponder If You Can Mutually Meet One Another’s Needs
Recently, I was having a conversation with someone who I've known for almost two decades now. As we were talking about how they have a tendency to make enemies due to how poorly they handle their dating situations, they said, "I'm great at friendships. I'm just bad at relationships."
Hmph. That statement right there deserves its own article. For now, the reason why I'm bringing this up is because I challenged them, almost as soon as it came out of their mouth. "Are you truly a good friend if everything is solely your terms? If you're not doing your best to not only get your needs met, but to meet the needs of others?"
When a friendship is real and both people want it to last, reciprocity is paramount. It's not about if you and another person have the same needs; it's about if both of you know what one another's needs are and, so long as they are realistic, you are willing to meet them.
If you are constantly doing most of the work, and when it comes to your needs, there are always excuses, justifications or deflections as to why they can't be met and/or you find yourself saying, "Damn. Are friendships supposed to be this hard?", that's another indication that being friends with that person may not be the best idea.
Give the Relationship More Than a Few Months to Develop
One more thing. Back when I was a teen mom director for the local arm of a national non-profit, one of the exercises that I would do with my girls is ask them, "So, how long would I need to know you before I could borrow fifty dollars?" Most of them would look at me crazy and, about 80 percent of them, would say 1-2 years, at the least. Then I would follow that up with, "OK. So, the last sex partner you had, how long did it take for him to hit?" Talk about being blindsided, as a lot of them said a day or a week, max. "Hmm, so what you're telling me is that you value fifty bucks more than your own body?"
You know you. You know what you bring to the table when it comes to your relationships. That's why it is totally OK—encouraged even—to take your own sweet and precious time before deciding to bestow the title of "friend" on anyone. Don't force it. Don't rush it. Don't let them force it or rush it. Just let time and observation do their thing.
Just like it typically takes more than a few months to trust someone enough to give them money or have sex with them, it should also take time to see someone's character and consistency in the friendship department. True friendships are a real blessing so, really, what's the rush? Exactly.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships
According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends
How To Build A Squad of Empowering Friends
5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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