What About Your Friends?
And while I guess one could see it as a way of trying to not “throw anything away,” I want to share some of the reasons why recycling and upcycling relationships could actually be counterproductive while ultimately doing you more harm than good, if you’re not careful. Are you ready to dive in? This one might be slightly a bit of a doozy.
What It Means to Recycle Relationships
ex girlfriend princess GIF by VH1GiphyWhen it comes to the environment, I’m pretty sure we all know that recycling is good for it. When you are “treating or processing (used or waste materials) so as to make suitable for reuse” and what you are doing this to is things like plastic and glass, that is beneficial. However, peep another definition of recycle — “to use again in the original form or with minimal alteration.” When it came to a lot of the men in my world, this is where I used to trip up — badly and often. I mean, if the relationship came to an end, it was for a justifiable and significant reason, right?
Why does the passing of time or even missing someone (even if it’s just the sex) suddenly make those reasons invalid? And while I do think that there are times when getting back with an ex isn’t totally toxic and unhealthy (there are exceptions to every rule), this can’t be the case when you’re literally going back to what and who has remained in their original form…because isn’t there something (or some things) about the “original form” that caused you to call things “quits” in the first place?
That’s why, whenever people come to me talking about intentionally remaining in hamster wheel situations with an ex, something that I will share (again, from personal experience) is in order for returning to your past to actually work, BOTH PEOPLE will have needed to do some personal growing and evolving. Otherwise, all you’re doing is repeating a pattern — oftentimes one that will get you absolutely nowhere than where you’ve already been.
So yeah, before recycling a relationship, think about what the word literally means, because all of us have limited time (much less than we think that we do). And you know what? Why waste it on something that you’ve already experienced? Meaning, if there’s nothing new to see, why even go there? Rinse and repeat: Why even go there?
What It Means to Upcycle Relationships
Okay, so upcycling is a bit different. Back in the day, I lived across the street from a girl who taught me how to upcycle jeans that no longer fit. What we would do was cut down the seam of the pants and then sew the fronts and backs together in order to turn them into a skirt. This is a great example of what it means to upcycle because the definition is “to process (used goods or waste material) so as to produce something that is often better than the original.” I’ll be the first to say that upcycling is way better than recycling.
Still, when it comes to relationships (friendships included), be careful with this. Case in point — there is a woman from my past who was toxic — I mean, TOXIC toxic. Every couple of years, she would reach out to want to “fresh start” our friendship and every time, I turned her down (check out “6 Signs You're About To Let A Toxic Person (Back) Into Your Life”). The main reason was that, although we had similar senses of humor and she was very smart, her intellect was also very cunning and calculated at times — so much to the point where, after getting some distance from her, I didn’t really see where she was holistically benefitting me on any level.
I actually could name more reasons why she was not good for my world than why she was constructive in it. And so, even though, according to her, she had changed and things would be better, the “original bar” was so damn low that I didn’t really see the point. Y’all, if you’re going to upcycle a relationship or friendship, take the literal definition to heart — think about how the original form of the dynamic was and then really ponder if there was enough goodness there to build on the original and make it better. Not a little bit better. LOTS BETTER.
3 Things to Consider Before Recycling or Upcycling Relationships
Break Up Couple GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyOkay, so now (hopefully) you’ve got a clearer understanding of what it means to recycle and upcycle a relationship with someone else. If it’s something that you’re considering doing, it’s important (imperative even) that you ask yourself the following three questions, first.
1. In this season of your life, what do you actually need them for?
Something that wisdom teaches us is, it’s not just okay to have your needs met in relationships, it’s absolutely essential. That said, during the time when the two of you were apart, how did your needs shift? Once you are clear on that, how can bringing them back into your life help you to get some of those needs met? Not only that but are they down to meet them and are you, based on where you are in this season of life, willing to meet theirs as well? If the answer is “no” to any of this, again…what’s the point in returning to what you have already left?
2. Are they “good” or just “familiar” to you?
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for xoNecole entitled, “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?.” If you’re thinking about recycling an ex, I highly recommend that you check it out. Beyond that, something else that you should think long and hard about is if the person is actually good to and for you, long-term, or just someone you are familiar with. You know, it took me a LONG time to fully get over my first love and a part of the reason was the familiarity was nostalgic — and to me, that was comforting.
Once I got past that, though, and then I accepted a lot of his “foot-dragging” and “stagnation patterns” (which had always been there) for what it was — I got that he’s not a bad guy (he really isn’t). Good for me, though? Meh. He’s more familiar than anything else. And sticking with — or returning to — something (or one), just because it’s something (or one) that I’m used to? That simply isn’t good enough. That’s the kind of revelation you come to when you know what you are truly worthy of. TRUST Me.
3. Do you have a pattern of recycling or upcycling relationships?
A poet and author by the name of Naphtali "Tuli" Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.” And lawd, ain’t that the truth? You know, it’s gonna be difficult to know if you are recycling or upcycling a relationship if you’re not willing to admit to yourself that this is a pattern for you. I’ve got a client, right now, who is in a counterproductive situation with a friend. Interestingly enough, what they call “having faith” in them, I call “being used” by them because all that ever really happens is they fight, make-up, and then my client does most of the work to keep things going until they…fight, make-up and do the same thing all over again.
You know what they say — in order to have something new, you must do something new. That said, no one is saying that you can’t maintain peace in your ended relationships or even be “cool with them” to a point. Yet again — and it really can’t be said enough — if you’re just going through the motions of going through the same stuff or you’re not taking the original version of your dynamic and making it better (not you alone; BOTH OF YOU), at the end of the day, it really is a waste of your time — and you should love yourself enough to not waste your time.
I know this is the time of year when people tend to “pop back up.” If/when they do, ask yourself if it’s worth it to recycle or upcycle because, from personal experience, I can tell you that more times than not…it’s not. Doing a new thing is (typically) best.
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Hosting your girlfriends for brunch, a 90’s rom-com marathon, with (lots of) wine, is a special way to celebrate the ladies that have held you through thick and thin.
And no need to come empty-handed. To help, we’ve tapped Marissa Kearney, creator of the viral social platforms, TargetWhileBlack and RetailWhileBlack for her top recommendation on gifts for your gals this Galentine’s Day.
Courtesy of Marissa Kearney
Since 2020, retail shopping expert Marissa Kearney has been bridging the gap between retailers and consumers through her viral social platforms, TargetWhileBlack and RetailWhileBlack. Dedicated to highlighting the best Black-owned and Black-founded brands from big-box retailers, including Target, Nordstorm, HomeGoods, Walmart, JCPenney, and more, Marrisa has garnered a community of over 550k followers and counting.
Understanding the importance of representation in the retail space, Marrisa shares how “Buying Black” is one of the greatest acts of love we can show each other. “It’s been so refreshing to walk into stores like Target and see items that reflect who we are and what we love,” she tells xoNecole. “It makes you feel like you're finally getting a regular shopping experience; like you don't have to go digging to find things that look like you.”
Ready to spread the love? Here, Marissa drops her favorite Black-owned products to make your Galentine’s Day one to remember.
Love Jones Candle
Frères Branchiaux
Love Jones Candle
Want to light up the night and set the vibe? Marrissa recommends this soy candle from Frères Branchiaux to do the trick.
Galentine’s Gift Bag
Black Paper Party
Galentine's Bag
Bag secured. Black Paper Party’s decorative designs are the perfect way to pack your gifts and deliver them in style.
Rose & Geranium Sea Salt Bar Soap
Iyoba
Rose & Geranium Sea Salt Bar Soap
As Marissa mentions, every woman deserved to be pampered. Grab a bar of Iyoba’s calming sea salt soap as a treat to your girlfriends or yourself.
Faux Mink Lashes
Luna Magic
Faux Mink Lashes
Marissa says these lashes from Luna Magic are “the perfect present” for a friend who likes to keep their face beat. Pick up a pair—or two—to make their look complete.
Vegan Sweet & Salty Organic Popcorn
Tabitha Brown For Target
Vegan Sweet & Salty Organic Popcorn
Our fairy god-auntie, Tabitha Brown, just dropped the tastiest (vegan!) snacks to hit the shelves. Add a bag to your charcuterie spread; the ladies won’t be able to put them down.
'Shine' Pillow Pink
Pillowscript
'Shine' Pillow Pink
What woman doesn’t love words of affirmation? This accent pillow from Pillowscript is not only adorable but will give your bestie the perfect pop of color and positivity to her living space.
Hella Awkward Card Game
Hella Awkward Card Game
Turn your Galentine’s into a game night. Put the phones away and break the ice with the new card game, Hella Awkward.
"Black Plum" by Craig
Puzzles of Color
"Black Plum" by Craig
We may live in a digital world, but the joy that comes from analog play never goes out of style. Pick up the pieces of this puzzle and gift it to your gal who loves a good challenge.
Casablanca Eau de Parfum
Brown Girl Jane
Casablanca Eau de Parfum
There’s no better way to say, “I love you, girl,” than through the gift of scent. Brown Girl Jane’s Casablanca fragrance is the perfect way to show your bestie that she deserves all the finer things in life; and more.
Black Girl Magic Rosé Wine
McBride Sisters Black Girl Magic
Black Girl Magic Rosé Wine
To Marissa, the perfect girl's night is not complete without a glass of wine (or two). Keep the libation in rotation and sip slow with the crowd-favorite Black Girl Magic Rosé Wine.
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At first, losing people made me feel a bit ungrounded. I spent most of my time with these friends; shared so many of my secrets. I spent a lot of time ruminating over what I could have done differently to salvage the relationships. But after years of reflection, I realized the only thing that could have saved the relationship was for me to stay the same. Those relationships ended because I changed. I wasn't the same person I used to be and it caused a lot of friction in my relationships.
As we age, many of us lose friends because we evolve—our needs and priorities are different. Sometimes our friendships can withstand the strain of growing into different versions of ourselves, but most times, they won't. And, that's okay.
Finding people that will walk with you through life is rare. So, if you've found yourself navigating a few friendship breakups or experiencing unsteadying moments in your friendships lately, try to keep the following in mind:
1.All friendships won't last forever.
Friendship breakups are difficult because it's hard to imagine yourself parting ways with a friend the same way you see yourself splitting up with a romantic partner—you may not even think it would hurt just as much or even more. People grow apart. People will come into our lives for a season and leave once our time together ends. Some of these endings will feel natural and some may be a bit more traumatic. The ending of a friendship doesn't mean either of you were "bad" people. Nor does it mean you all were never "real" friends to begin with (endings have a way of clouding judgment). The truth is, even good friendships have expiration dates, and that's okay.
2.Your needs in friendship change as you get to know yourself better.
The things you needed from your friends when you were a teenager or in your early 20s are different than what you need as you get closer to 30. When you're younger, you're likely still figuring things out and deciding how you want to show up in the world. As you become more grounded in who you are, liking someone is no longer a good enough reason to continue being friends, especially when your values and beliefs about friendships begin to clash. It can be hard to admit, but sometimes your friends evolve into people you don't like. Being dishonest about how you feel and forcing yourself to be around someone can create resentment in the friendship.
3.Emotional safety matters.
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Feeling emotionally safe with my friends is important to me. Do they respect boundaries? Do we assume the other is operating with good intent? Are they kind to me in public and private? Do they talk about me behind my back? Some of us are accustomed to drama being at the center of our friendships because we used to be ineffective communicators, or we witnessed adults have drama-filled relationships as a child. If we're going to have healthy friendships, we must unlearn unhealthy relationship patterns. We also have to be responsible for the harmful things we've done in the past and commit to doing things differently in the future to establish safety. We may also need to raise our friendship standards.
4.Life is too short for one-sided friendships.
Sometimes we hurt our own feelings by holding on to things that are no longer holding on to us. In a one-sided friendship, the other person has stopped participating, but we keep fighting to maintain our position in their lives. For whatever reason, this person has decided they no longer want to keep investing in a friendship with us, and we have to accept that boundary and move on. Easier said than done, especially if they haven't directly stated they want out. They may stop returning your calls and start canceling plans at the last minute. Magically they're always busy. Sometimes it isn't personal. Your friend may be going through a challenging time and doesn't have the energy to be around people. They may also be finding it hard to communicate what's going on. Either way, you have to decide how you want to be treated and what you're willing to tolerate in the name of friendship.
5.Different stages of your life require different levels of understanding.
As we age, we may get partnered, get married, or become a parent. These new relationships require a substantial amount of time—especially in the beginning. Some of us may have chosen careers that require us to work outside of the standard 9 to 5. At some points, you'll have fewer things binding you together than you do pulling you apart, and sometimes life ushers in a 'quiet season' in your friendship. If you've been missing your friends, tell them you'd like to see them. Sometimes people need a gentle nudge.
6.As you age, quality becomes more important than quantity.
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It's easier to make friends and maintain friendships when you're younger because most of the people you connect to are in your hometown or go to school with you. As you get older, you prioritize certain friendships over others. Studies show that on average, most adult Americans have four close friends. Sometimes you gradually realize that you're spending a lot of time trying to maintain superficial relationships and decide to spend the little time you have pouring into friendships that have the chance to stand the test of time.
7.Every relationship isn't a friendship.
We're taught to make friends as kids in ways that don't benefit us as adults. Being friendly and being friends is not the same thing. You just met someone, and now they're your friend. You just ended a relationship with someone, and now you're friends. Your dating situation didn't work, and now you're friends. Friendship is built. Sometimes we rush into friendships with people to maintain connections, but it isn't always the healthiest decision. Nor is it the most genuine response. A friendship is a mutual agreement and investment from both people. It's important to vet people for friendship, just as you would vet someone for romance. You may know many people, but you don't have many friends.
8.A friend doesn't have to tell you everything to be your friend.
"There's a difference between being in someone's business and being in someone's corner." I don't know who said that quote, but it's one of my favs. Some people associate friendship with how much they know about someone. But, knowing everything about someone doesn't make you all friends. I've seen people get mad at a friend for being what they deemed "secretive." Try not to take someone's non-disclosure personally. A friend may feel stressed out, overwhelmed, or ashamed and not rush to tell you because they're still processing their situation. People are allowed to tell you things when they're ready. They also don't have to share at all.
9.Communication is key.
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It can be easy to think people should just understand and get you, especially if you all have known each other for a long time. But just like a romantic relationship, friendships benefit from communication too. Continue getting to know your friends and be open to seeing their different sides as they evolve. One of the best books I've read on friendship is Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson. This book helped me make sense of my experiences when I started losing friends. I could go back to all my friendships that ended and point out exactly where things went wrong. According to Shasta, "frientimacy" is intimacy experienced in friendships based on positivity, consistency, and vulnerability.
All healthy friendships require a strong foundation built on positive experiences. Consistency is vital because even if we like someone, we will begin to question where we stand with them if they can't make time for us, ultimately making us feel unsafe in the relationship. Without vulnerability, the relationship doesn't have the chance to deepen, which means there will always be a feeling of distance between the two of you. All three things need to work together to make a friendship last. If one of these things becomes unbalanced, the friendship can still last if you all can communicate effectively to get the relationship back on track.
As we get older, our friendships evolve. And while it can be scary to part ways with people, it allows us to connect with people who fit with who we are and who we're becoming. And for that, we can be both excited and grateful.
Remember, friends, are the family you choose, so choose wisely.
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Oprah was an anchor at the station while Gayle was a production assistant. She offered the CBS Mornings anchor to stay at her place to avoid being out in the storm. Gayle even remembers the outfit her best friend lent her for the next day. “It was purple with a scoop neck and bell sleeves,” she said.
Fans have gotten a peek into their friendship over the years. They’ve supported each other in the public eye and have entertained viewers with their stories about one another. Gayle made several appearances on Oprah’s former daytime talk show like the time she surprised her bestie for her 40th birthday. And who can forget their epic cross-country road trip from Santa Barbara to New York City that was documented on Oprah’s show? Fifteen years later, in September 2021, the two best friends reunited for another road trip proving that their friendship continues to be an adventure.
In 2019, they launched The OG Chronicles, which is a video series where they give fans advice about love, friendship, and more. They touched on what it’s like to be everyone’s friendship goals. "I always get, 'This is my Oprah,'" Gayle said. "It's one of the biggest compliments." Oprah also said, "And I always get, 'This is my Gayle.' I understand what that means: long-term, standing in the gap, no matter what I'm here for you."
Being in each other’s lives for 46 years, there are bound to be some disagreements, right? According to the besties, that's not the case. "People will find this hard to believe, but we've never had a serious argument," Oprah said. "It certainly is a beautiful friendship."
We love a beautiful, healthy friendship!
Life, Love and Friendships with Oprah & Gayle | The OG Chronicles | Oprah Mag
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