It has always been odd to me to hear that some people think that they shouldn’t marry their best friend. Aside from the fact that best means things like “of highest quality,” “most suitable” and “to the highest degree,” I’m also aware of what science says about friendship.
For instance, did you know thathealthy friendships(please make sure that they are healthy, chile) help to reduce stress, significantly decrease your chances of dealing with depression or anxiety, help you to avoid drama and trauma, help you develop a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence and they can even add years to your life?
Now, for the life of me, I don’t understand why anyone would want to marry someone who doesn’t consider their partner to be the best at these types of things; especially since you are vowing before God and loved ones that you are going to keep them around for the rest of your life. C’mon now.
Yet even beyond who you choose to be your spouse, you really should be uber-selective about your friendships, across the board. Know what else? You should be big on taking inventory of your friendships too. Why? Well, think about some of the purposes of this practice within a company. Knowing what you have at say, a retail store, helps you to know what you have to offer, it makes the company run more efficiently and it helps you to provide better service overall.
At the end of the day, friendships aren’t much different. Taking inventory by asking — rather than assuming — your friends certain questions (oh, I’d say once or twice a year), helps you to get a good idea of where they stand (with you), what they need (or expect) and how you both can work together to make your friendship stronger.
As far as what kind of questions to ask, a few years back, I penned, “10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins” for the site. It can at least inspire you to come up with some inquiries of your own. Today, though, I want to share with you a question that I’ve asked most of my friends over the past several weeks. To tell you the truth, I’m not exactly sure what inspired me to do it.
What I will say is that, with some insights intact, I’m hella glad that I did.
The One Question You Should Ask Your Friends…Soon.
GiphyPersonally, I think it’s very easy to become lazy in a friendship; especially if you consider it to be a good one. Kind of again like a marriage, once you and your friend “get into a groove,” you can find yourself making a lot of assumptions, potentially taking one another for granted, and not really “digging deep” to see if the relationship is truly fulfilling — or if it’s just…well…familiar. And honestly, I think that’s why some friendships end up drifting apart.
It’s not because of some ridiculousness or even a serious issue or underlying problem. What ended up happening is someone stopped being proactive with the other and so…there was a shift…sometimes to the point of shifting away from each other.
Charge it to the journalist and life coach in me yet I think that one way to keep all of this from happening is to ask your friends some questions. What I have learned is doing this can cause you both to pause and really think about the friendship and the role that it currently plays in your lives.
One question, in particular, that can offer up a real ah-ha moment for you if you’re willing to ask it and you’re open to discussing their answer, is this one:
“What is one thing that I bring to your life?”
As someone who has performed this lil’ social experiment, in my opinion, it’s beneficial on a few different levels:
First, more times than not, you’d be amazed by how quickly your friends will be able to provide you with an answer — and you might be surprised by what that answer is. And whatever “it” may be, it can help you to understand certain things about your personality, your communication skills, and how you relationally prioritize things.
Two, it can help your friend to understand what they need you (most) for or why they keep you around beyond surface things like you both have a lot of fun together or you’ve known each other for a certain amount of time.
Three, it can shed light on if you provide for yourself what you offer to others…because some of us have a tendency to be better friends to the folks around us than we even are to ourselves (AMEN?! — check out “Self BFF: 7 Signs You're Your Own Best Friend”).
Four, if your friend then asks the same question, you both can discuss the good things about what you each offer and what also can be (potentially) challenging about it.
And finally, five, if multiple people say the same thing — ask yourself what that says about you and your character overall.
For me, I heard two specific things a lot: clarity and loyalty.
And while, initially, those are things to be very proud of, I also chuckled as a few of my folks and I “unpacked” those words a bit. On the clarity tip, sometimes I have a habit of “counseling my friends” (even when they don’t want it) because yes, clarity is what I’m seeking — even when clarity is not what they need from me all of the time. In other words, sometimes folks just want to talk without you working with them to find a solution (at least initially).
And loyalty? Oh, it’s the running joke within my circle that I am a straight-up chihuahua for my friends. Don’t mess with them, period. Yet sometimes, the challenge with that quality is you have a shorter line of mercy and grace for the people in their lives than they do. A self-aware friend knows that you’ve got to make sure that you support others without trying to damn near force them to act like you would…or even prioritize traits like loyalty on the level that you do (because they might not).
So yeah, as I was listening to my friends and also doing some self-reflecting and journaling, knowing that I provide clarity and loyalty to most and above other things (make sure to hold each other to one word or thing only; it will help you to stay focused), I saw that yep, if someone were to put that on my epitaph, I wouldn’t be mad at all — I’m always gonna seek answers and even my last name means “loyal protector”…it all tracks.
At the same time, it’s not good enough to just be those two things. When you love someone, you want to give them the best of you — and so, it’s now time to provide clarity and loyalty on a higher level…so that I can become an even better friend.
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So, when you get a sec, text the question over to some of your friends. See what answers you get. Then ask them why they said what they did. Again, if you’re open (and they are willing to ask the question too), it can help you to see how others see you. It can also help you to be better at what you offer them…after taking (relational) inventory — which ultimately benefits you both.
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Featured image by Leo Patrizi/Getty Images
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