There are times when you meet someone and you just naturally vibe with that person, to the point that every time you're in that person's company you're comfortable. That's how it was with a former friend of mine who I'll call “Kay."
Kay is a few years younger than me, but we both share a lot of the same experiences and interests, and everything just meshed. We met at work and immediately hit it off. We took our breaks together, arranged to have our desks near each other, ate lunch together and even hung out after work—we were tight.
As time went on, I ended up leaving the company and she stayed on. We attempted to meet up outside of work a few times; however, it just wasn't the same. I couldn't for the life of me understand why we drifted apart, but eventually I was able to understand she was my friend for that particular season and within that particular climate. The season was my time at the company—she became a person that I could vent to about issues at work and vice versa, and we understood each other within that particular climate.
Eventually, I had to come to terms with the fact that outside of the work climate, we were totally different people with totally different interests other than the ones we shared while on the job. I had to accept the fact that even though to this day we remain acquainted via social media and will hug and speak when we see each other, we are no longer friends. I don't know what's happening with her on a day-to-day basis and that's okay because our friendship served a particular purpose for a limited time, and those memories will always be special.
Like everyone, I've now come to accept it as a part of life. Losing a friend is indeed not much different than breaking up with someone romantically. Anytime you bond with someone and that bond is broken, you're going to hurt. What these experiences have taught me is that some people are only put in your life for a season, and eventually, that season will come to an end. It's as simple as that. Here are a few of my takeaways from friendships that have come and gone.
Understand the Climate of the Friendship
As human beings, we bond with people and form friendships in all sorts of places. Whether it's through work, school, the gym, or any number of other social groups, unless you're entirely anti-social most people form friendships in the aforementioned atmospheres or “climates." What most people don't foresee; however, is the effect “climate change" can have on these relationships. This was my experience with Kay. Once I left the atmosphere of our relationship (work) the climate of our friendship changed, and unfortunately, it didn't change for the better.
People Lose Their Compatibility
Throughout the changes I've been through with friends who have come and gone, I've come to realize that sometimes it's not the climate—it's the connection between the people that diminishes. This is exactly what happened between a former friend of mine and me. We met when we were in middle school and bonded immediately. When high school came along we were still very tight, but somewhere between meeting new people and starting to date, the connection that once made us inseparable began to diminish.
She began to make friends with people whom I wouldn't normally associate with and began to participate in things that I wasn't cool with—this put a wedge between us. Eventually, we just stopped talking altogether. Years later, we attempted to reconnect as adults, but unfortunately, the friendship couldn't be revived. It just wasn't the same between us. Like Kay, we remain connected via social media and we're cordial when we see each other, but other than her social media posts I really don't know who she is anymore. What I learned from that experience, however, is that compatibility is the fuel to any relationship. You can like someone but no longer be compatible. Though it can be a hard pill to swallow, it's just the way life goes.
Our season was over.
People Grow Differently and I Respect That
This is something I struggle with to this day. While I've had people in my life who I've cared about, but was able to let them go their separate ways, I have one friend who I can't let go of. This person is more like a sister to me than just a friend. She is someone who I could never see myself simply moving on from. This is very tricky for me because there is nothing wrong with this friend, she is a beautiful person inside and out—we are simply on different levels in life.
This makes it difficult for us to spend time together. She is going through some very difficult things and has been going through these situations for a while now. She has sought my advice, and I've offered it and even offered to help her out of her situation, but for some reason, she never removes herself from her situation. This is a person I've been friends with as far back as I can remember, and I can't ever see myself totally abandoning her, but I have kept my distance from her for several reasons.
One reason I remain distant is the fact that her situation is “toxic," and listening to her woes began to affect my life negatively. I was constantly worrying about her and trying to come up with ways to help her, but in all honesty she either didn't want my help or she wasn't ready for the changes that came with it. It hurts to keep my distance because I miss her, but also because I can see she is so much greater than her circumstances. As much as I try to build her up she still remains blind to her potential.
Not to sound cliché, but I had to learn to love her from a distance. When she's ready to rise up from everything that keeps her from flourishing I'll be right here for her, but for now, I can't expose myself to her negative aura. I know this may seem to contradict everything I wrote previously, however, it is my opinion that some bonds should never be broken, even if they are weakened at times. So while our bond is weakened currently, it isn't broken, and I have faith that our time apart is only temporary.
As I've grown older, I've learned to keep my circle small but strong.
I have a few good friends that I can count on and they can count on me as well. I've found that reciprocity is an essential element for friendships to thrive. Within my current friendships, we build each other up to be the best we can be. My new circle of friends is mainly composed of people who I believe aren't just here for a season but are people I am confident I can weather any storm with, and I'm sure they feel the same. While I cherish all the connections I've made throughout my life because I've generally been able to take away something valuable, I'm fine with the fact that some people just aren't my friends anymore, and I wish them the best.
What about you? What life lessons have you learned from friends who have come and gone?
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- It Is Okay To Lose Friends Over The Years, Doesn't Mean You're A Bad ›
- Friendships: Being okay with losing friends | by Odinakachukwu ... ›
- Losing Friends With Grace | Psychology Today ›
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- What Does the Bible Say About Losing Friends? ›
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
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Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
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If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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