I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend
There's no telling how much of, a lot of "stuff", we could be spared if we really thought about what words like "relationship" and "friendship" mean.
Relationship: a connection, association, or involvement; connection between persons by blood or marriage; an emotional or other connection between people
Friendship: the state of being a friend; association as friends; a friendly relation or intimacy
I don't know about you, but the words in these definitions that stand out to me most are "connection" and "intimacy". Hmph. After being ghosted by someone I've known for most of my life, I realize that what we were lacking, in a lot of ways, were both of these things.
GIPHY
Ghosting Happens. Even in Friendships.
Ghosting. I know that's a word that's most often given to dating scenarios. It's when you think you've made a real connection with someone, that real intimacy is established. Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, "poof", they're gone—no call, no text, no email. No real rhyme or reason either.
Ghosting is something that I personally don't get—or respect. It's cowardly. It's childish. And it's emotionally harmful. Even if something is not working, running from it rather than discussing it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. That doesn't mean I haven't experienced it, though.
The worst ghosting experience I've ever had was with a female friend, not a guy I've dated. I've literally known her for most of my life so it's impossible to capture our entire "friendship" in one article. I'll just share a bit of what led up to the ghosting.
She was in a toxic marriage and had an affair as a result. Between the pride, lying, and fall out from trying to make her marriage work and still mess around with the other guy, I was working overtime to try and hold her accountable and still be a support system.
Tenor
After about two years, it all started to take its toll. I was coming to realize that I was caring more about her marriage and our friendship than she was. And so, a couple of days before the turn of a new year, I wrote her an email to let her know just how draining the entire…situation had become. How next year, there needed to be more mutuality; that I loved her but I wasn't going to keep doing most of the work.
Her response? Silence. Complete and total silence.
I was floored. At first, I thought she was taking space to get herself together. But as three months turned into six and so on, I realized that "gettin' ghost" is exactly what she did. Wow. How did we go from our families knowing each other, us seeing each other at least every other week, and talking on the phone for hours on end to me not even knowing if she was alive for almost 15 months?
As a writer, something that can be an occupational hazard is that we tend to not only communicate but—overly communicate. With us, people tend to know exactly where we stand. And so, right around the 15th month mark, I wrote her to let her know that it blew my mind that after all we had been through, I didn't even know if she was still married or not, let alone where things stood with us.
For about six more months, there was still silence. Amazing. Ghosted and ignored.
Then one day, she wrote me. She talked about how much she appreciated my support and she was sorry that I couldn't feel "the love" from her (even though she used to tell me quite a bit that she didn't know if she was capable of loving anyone, so…how could I feel it?). That she felt like my email 21 months prior was a shift in our dynamic and so she was being quiet.
Wow again. So, I set boundaries—and that means we're not friends anymore?
I wrote her back to let her know that she was loved and kinda left it at that. But as I thought about how it all played out, it brought me to a particular conclusion:
A Healthy Relationship Has No "Ghosts".
HBO's Insecure
If you think back to the the times when you've been ghosted (and perhaps even have ghosted someone—SMH), what's usually the common thread that you see in hindsight? It's usually that one person was FAR MORE INVESTED than the other was, right? One was usually feeling the other more. One was usually doing more work than the other. One was usually more committed too. This means that the connection and intimacy was totally imbalanced. And that? That is unhealthy.
Connection: anything that connects; a connecting part; link; bond
Intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group; a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.
When both people are bonded, when both people are loving each other, when both people have a detailed knowledge and understanding of one another—how can ghosting ever be an option, let alone actually happen?
For clarity's sake, I'm not saying that sometimes seasons don't change and people outgrow one another. But to not give what was shared the dignity of talking things through and gaining a mutual understanding? That is the ultimate form of disrespect. That makes the relationship anything but a real connection or a truly intimate. Accepting that fact? That is what keeps ghosting from affecting you so much.
HBO's Insecure
That's why I have no regrets about reaching out to my "friendly ghost". CLEARLY, I wouldn't have gotten the answers I needed and the conclusion I was looking for if I hadn't. And, in doing so, it has caused me to recommend to others that if they ever get ghosted by someone they thought they were in relationship with to:
- Get personal clarity if there was a real connection and a healthy level of intimacy.
- Accept that if there was, ghosting wouldn't have happened in the first place. Because running away wouldn't be the solution. Ever.
How do I know? Because one definition of ghost is a "semblance", or an assumed or unreal appearance. Ghosting happens when something is assumed to exist—that actually doesn't.
Healthy relationships—friendships included—don't ghost each other.
There is too much realness, mutuality and respect between them to let that happen. And it's that realization that keeps "ghosts" from "haunting" you. Ever.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- The Self-Care Of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- I Love Her But I Don't Like Her Anymore - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Choosing Health Over Length: How To Create Boundaries With Friends You’ve Outgrown - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images